Joe's Crabshack

Holy gosh guys, have you ever Eaten at Joe’s? (Side note: shouldn’t the restaurant be called “Eat At Joe’s” instead of “Joe’s Crabshack” since that’s what all their marketing focuses on? I’m not trying to nitpick I’m just saying they should have a more coherent image -8)

The thing is I went to Kemah the other day to feed the catfish, ride the Boardwalk Bullet, etc, and obviously after all that fun and parking spot searching, the beast inside my belly was faMISHed. I know I know usually I review Houston area restaurants and Kemah technically isn’t part of Houston (though really I consider most things south of Dallas part of Houston at this point) but if anybody hasn’t been to Kemah and lives in Houston they aren’t allowed to read this anymore, I don’t care who I alienate with this.

Right so Thomas and I skip into Joe’s Crabshack along with Hank, the yeti he and I won on the boardwalk. We got our table for 2.5 and guys, I immediately fell in love. Do you know what they have in the middle of the tables there? Buckets for you to put your trash in. Just sunk into the table. My first thought of course like all ladies is I’ll never have that much trash in my whole life, but of course just because I’m dainty and woman-like doesn’t mean it isn’t really awesome and convenient! +9! I think I’m going to install a bucket into my kitchen table in my apartment and then hire a waiter to come by and empty it after every meal so I can just throw napkins and watermelon rinds and things into it without any thought of the consequences.

But guys have you ever eaten crab before? I mean I’d eaten it before, but never in a shell! Oh my gosh that was the most fun of my life! So they give you these little knife things that you’re supposed to use as a letter opener, as a crab leg opener rather, and you just slide the knife part in the leg hole and slide up and then inside there’s all this crab meat, and then you dip it into some butter sauce and cram it down your mouth! But it’s even more fun than all of that! Oh my gosh and it’s so messy, I mean I got crab juice on my elbows and behind my ears and all over my face and hands. I’ll let you in on a little secret I’m pretty sure Thomas is actually a blind man because sometimes my habits are a little appalling, like the fact that I was wrestling my dinner for dominance and also the fact that I have approximately 73 dirty socks on my floor at any moment. But oh man it was enjoyable. I mean crab eating should be an Olympic sport, it was that athletic. You know how they say you burn more calories eating celery than you gain from it? I think that’s true of crab in the shell too! +134 Maybe the same amount of calories actually I ate a lot of butter sauce!

And at Joe’s, when you order one of their plates, they give you two halves of crab. I don’t think I need to remind you that two halves equal a whole! I ate an entire crab, guys! +5 I mean most of it I took one of the legs and part of the middle part in a doggie bag. Normally I’d share it with Melvin, he loves asserting himself over lessor undersea creatures, but he’s actually still in the hospital until I get back from vacation. The thing is I don’t know how long you usually spend at your dinners, guys, but sometimes I can be very snappy about my eating when I’m ravenous, and it’s less of a dainty chewing than a shoveling. But guys I was starving, and you know how long we were at Joe’s? TWO HOURS! Two entire hours, is how long it took me to eat that crab! Because I had to fight so hard for it, and because I kept losing seconds to rip my second and third and tenth and thirty-second paper towel off the roll to wipe down my hands. +31 That’s more time than I put into many relationships, let alone a single dinner when we hadn’t even gone to feed Kemah’s ample collection of catfish.

Speaking of guys, let’s address the elephant in the room. What on earth is up with those things? The thing is, cats are for the most part pretty solitary creatures, unless you open up a can of cat food then they’ll all swarm around you from miles away. But there are like a million of those catfish and they all hang out next to the Landry’s on the boardwalk and they swim all over each other, it’s so gross, I mean imagine what it must feel like to be the catfish in the middle and have all those other weirdos just swarming over and underneath you and their weird catfish skin rubbing up against your weird catfish skin ugh it makes me want to lose my crab dinner. But the thing is, they’ll fight each other for the dog food they sell on the boardwalk! Isn’t that so demeaning? I mean, seriously guys, have some decency, there’s probably not even the nutrients you need in there, we can all share I think. -9 But seriously I can’t look away it’s like a car crash but even worse because the only reason I go to Kemah is to look at those weird things. I mean there are some other reasons but that’s the main one.

Back to Joe’s though! I didn’t even tell you the best part! You know how after you eat some places give you those disgusting red mints with your check and you’re like, come on guys, there’s no need to add insult to the injury, I know how much the upcharge was to change my salad dressing you don’t have to rub it in? That never happens at Joe’s Crabshack! You feel great when you pay the bill because they only have green mints there. First dinner and a full work out, and then a green mint??? Guys, why would you ever go anywhere else????

Go there and don’t bother to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com, I already know how great it is and you don’t want to get your keyboard dirty with how filthy your hands are gonna be!!!