Lupe Tortilla

Lupe Tortilla is so mediocre and average that I almost didn't blog about it. Actually the only reason I am blogging about it is that I've been busy being a young urban socialite, drinking martinis, watching Wreck It Ralph, and washing my hair more than four times a week, so I haven't had enough time to go eat in restaurants. Your choices were to read this review of Lupe Tortilla or a still unwritten review of the food truck Bare Bowls, which I decided not to go with because I hated it and even I can't bear to be that mean about people.

I will give this to Lupe Tortilla: this is the first time I have ever been introduced to a pitcher of margaritas. Have you had one of these? In my mind, pitchers are for two things: draft beer, or Kool-Aid. Margaritas you order individually so you have to face the shame of flagging down the waiter, you finger shyly raised, to beg him to bring you another, you promise someone else is driving. At Lupe Tortilla they don't mess around. They'll give you as many margaritas as you want, at one time. And for the first time in my 21 year old life, I wasn't carded, leading me to believe that I finally, after all these months, look my age. +8

The topic of margaritas leads me to share some information with you about ladies that I just learned through some of the alcohol education classes I'm taking at college (I know, I know, you all wish you'd taken my major, it's something I hear a lot but come on guys we do real work too next week I'm going to have to do the difficult task of touring St. Arnold's brewery it's tough stuff guys tough stuff). The thing is as you know how much alcohol a person can consume before they feel looped depends on things like body weight or how much food you have in your stomach (I always get confused and think this means how many chips and salsa you consume WHILE drinking which turns out is not the case just overkill on my part). Did you know that a woman's alcohol tolerance is also based on her hormones and can vary from one part of the month to the next? I'm not even talking like three weeks she has one kind and then the fourth a different; I mean every single day, a woman has a different set of hormones and every single day they affect her alcohol tolerance differently. This affects my tolerance for a lot of different things too actually, like red lights, pigeons, people burping in my car, etc.

My only point about this whole thing is that it's like a superpower. Not the days, obviously, where you sniff a shot of tequila and you pass out drunk, but the days when you champ through half a pitcher of margaritas and then stand up triumphant, unafraid of tripping over any imaginary objects, perfectly steady in your ability to hug your drinking partner goodbye. We are woman. We are champion!

I really have nothing else to say about Lupe Tortilla except this: have you ever tried to park over there? I remember when all the restaurants off of 59 and Kirby were friends with each other. They hung out on the weekends, they shared customers, they bought each other drinks at bars. Now? They all have signs in their parking lot: this lot is for Taco Cabana/Cafe Japon/Lupe Tortilla/Haven customers only. Twin Peak customers will be towed! Can you believe it? They're all ganging up on the new kid! This happened to me in third grade when I didn't have any friends for four years because I moved to a new school and I was so much hotter than everyone else and they were all jealous about how good the gravy on my chicken fried steak was. -8 Let's just all play nice with each other guys, even if it is stupid that they have valet parking I mean come on who do they think they are.

That's all I got, if anyone has recommendations for a non-mediocre Mexican restaurant feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!