W Grill

OK guys don’t act like you haven't heard about W Grill offering drive thru margaritas. This is basically the best thing to hit Houston since I came here in 2009, and guys I’m pretty sure they only cost maybe $6.99 for 20 ounces of margarita and while it’s certainly no two dollars a pop at Taquerias Arandas, neither is that the most expensive alcohol in Houston.

Here’s the thing though. I’m not the only person who’s a little uncertain about the legality of this, right? They put a little bit of tape over the straw hole in the Styrofoam cup, and they didn’t give us any straws, so unless you come prepared (or just take the lid off) you’re not going to break any open container laws. +8 for little pieces of tape. But is it just me or is there more to Texas alcohol laws than that? I seem to remember from my Hospitality Law class that I’m taking this semester and even occasionally attend that you can either serve alcohol or you can distribute it, but you’re not really supposed to do both. Right? Tell me I’m not missing something here? If you order a bottle of wine in a restaurant, you can drink it there, but you’re not allowed to take it with you when you leave. Isn’t that right? Obviously I’ve never bought a bottle of wine in a restaurant, that sounds like it’s going to cost more than my four dollar wine budget. For the record, if any TABC agents are reading this, there is no dine-in area at the W Grill, and if that’s how they get off on that technicality then more power to them right guys? Cuz ladies, it’s not just margaritas, they’ve got pina coladas and daiquiris too. (Did you like that sexism? I obviously don’t think men drink fruity slushy drinks like that and I’m going to go ahead and stand by that assertion till the day I die. +3)

Here’s the other thing guys. When I went to the W Grill there was a little snafu with the ordering process and either I didn’t actually order my burger or they just didn’t ring it up for me. Either way I had to sit through that drive thru line twice because there’s no way I’m going to come away from any sort of food establishment without squelching the sclurpy hungry food noises of my belly (they sound like this: rrrrrrrrRRRrr put food in me rRRrrrrRRr preferably a Fuddrucker's burger rrRrrrrrR but really I'll eat anything like a panda or a tire even RRRRrrRRR) The thing is you have to wait for your food to be ready, this isn't McDonald's guys, they don't just keep the burgers in some creepy burger drawer. So I'm sitting there in the first drive through line and there's this dry cleaner behind them called Monarch Cleaners that you have to look at. Monarch Cleaners' logo is a crown with a mustache on it. -89! Isn't that stupid? A crown because it's Monarch, I get that, and then a stache because what? We're on Washington and the hipsters are all already tired of Montrose? I'm just saying everybody has their own particular part of the city and they should stay there, it's just the rules, I don't make them up, talk to Anise Parker about that stuff guys. 

But I think what was most startling about the W Grill is the guy who was working at the window. I know I've seen that guy before. I'm not sure where. He didn't seem like he recognized me, but guys I have a theory. Maybe I have a past life that I can't remember, like I used to be a CIA operative and then they wiped my memory clean of all of my CIA life and then planted fake memories about being a college student. And he was my old partner! I don't think there was any sexual tension between us, I think he was my mentor on the force even though we're about the same age. And even though they wiped my memory completely blank, I could still remember his face because we'd been through so much together! +12 He was really upset that I'd come to W Grill; he's working there on a sting operation, trying to bust people for taking alcohol off the premises for consumption. Normally he'd have to arrest me but because we'd been through so much together, he let me off without even a warning. He hated to see me like this, in a new world with no memory of him, my oldest friend, at all. He couldn't admit that he knew me  because I'm in witness protection, they blanked my memories for my own safety, if I knew what I was capable of I'd be in so much danger, me and Melissa both. Melissa said she didn't recognize him but I know it's just because she's a holdover from my old life too, the bodyguard they've assigned for my protection. I mean I think I warrant someone a little bigger, a little stronger looking, but maybe the knowledge I'm holding isn't as dangerous as all that. Either way he's a real nice guy who works there he saved my life back in 'Nam, you guys should all go check it out. +9

And that's about all I got guys. Like I said they have drive through alcohol there, like this is Louisiana or something, normally I wouldn't celebrate that state but now that we've harvested all they have to offer we don't have to talk about it anymore. Check it out, and a message to my old partner: if you're reading this, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com. I've rested long enough, I'm ready to pick up the fight once more.