Rainforest Cafe

Gosh guys, you know what’s a great restaurant? Rainforest Cafe. I went there for my twentieth birthday with my grandparents and was very surprised to see that they didn’t have their Zagat rating displayed anywhere, but perhaps they were just being modest.

At any rate, if you guys haven’t been to one of these classy taverns, you need to get your bottom into high gear. All around the restaurant, they have these animatronic animals, and they’re always moving, and then every thirty minutes or so they go really wild, shaking their arms, making their animal noises, eating raw wildebeests. +12 I’m not sure if all Rainforest Cafes are the same, I’ve only ever been to one of them, but the one I went to there was a mother tiger and two baby cub tigers. That’s three tigers, for those of you who never learned simple arithmetic! Three tigers, all living in one tiny restaurant!

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not an idiot guys. I know they aren’t real tigers. Obviously nobody in the world is tough enough to capture a momma tiger and her two babies. Maybe a momma tiger, probably a baby tiger, but not the matched set. It just wouldn’t happen. Tigers are too fearless and awesome to let that sort of thing happen, it’s just a fact. Either way, to have three tigers real or fake I think is a testament to Rainforest Cafe’s understanding of how awesome this species is. No other species was displayed in such force. Well I mean there were lots of fish on the walls in the bathroom but excepting Melvin the beta fish I think we can all agree that fish aren’t that awesome. All they do is blow bubbles out of their mouths and poop out chunks of things! They’re the most popular girl in high school of the animal world – fun to look at, but after graduation, you really aren’t interested in taking her home with you. I’ll go to the aquarium, you know, I’ll look at fishes until my eyes bleed, but not when there are three tigers in just the other room to look at, do you get my drift? All I’m saying is there’s a hierarchy of awesomeness and tigers are at the top, and fish are underneath at least polar bears and platypuses and whales. At least. And I appreciate Rainforest Cafe’s understanding of that. +9

The other thing is, this is just a rumor I heard, but word on the street is that they have a dessert at Rainforest Cafe that has sparklers in it! A cake with sparklers in it! How has this been allowed to happen in this nation, guys? Those sparklers could be so dangerous! Didn’t you ever see Smokey the Bear, guys? In his television and magazine ad campaigns? Only you can prevent forest fires! That you is the plural kind, Rainforest Cafe! It refers to you as well! And here you are, lighting SPARKLERS in a RAINFOREST! -18 I guess you were a little confused because it said rainforest instead of just forest, but a rainforest is a forest! It is! That means it’s at risk for forest fires! Don’t you ever watch the weather channel? Even strong rains are often not enough to put out these fires! They often need to just finish burning everything in their path until they’ve run out of things to burn, and then they allow themselves to go out on their own! Everything in their path is a lot, guys, especially in a rainforest. There are so many endangered species that call those areas home, and we need to protect them! Think of all the science in those trees! I was never very good at science so I can’t paint a very good picture for you, you’re gonna have to do it yourself! This is a public service announcement, guys! When you go to Rainforest Cafe, don’t order the cake with the sparklers in it, it’s dangerous and it ruins lives!

Whew. I was getting pretty stressed out there, I think I need a Valium. But I’ll push on for the good of America. In the front of their store, they have an entire gift shop! You guys know how much I love merchandising in stores. I think it’s because my own feeble attempts at merchandising my famous food blog arbitrarycriticism.com have met a wall. But also, if I can be honest with you guys, it’s because I’ve always been afraid that I’m a bit of a hoarder. Not like the kind on TLC. Well actually yes, like the ones on TLC, but in Extreme Couponing, not on Extreme Hoarders. The thing is, it makes me feel really safe to have a lot of things. That way when I run out of something, there’s a backup waiting in a closet or a drawer. I’m really inspired by those guys on Extreme Couponing, with their bunkers. This one guy had like a thousand things of toothpaste! I’m not that bad guys, by contrast, I have four things of toothpaste. Six bars of soap. Eighteen packages of AA batteries. Two backup containers of bubble bath. This is just in my bathroom, guys. I’m just saying I don’t think I have a problem YET, but if I ever go throw a major shock in my life, like getting held at gunpoint or something, it could turn into one. So this isn’t a plea for help, not yet, but it could be one. My point is, these people who merchandise, it gives me the same sense of safety to see lots of things in a restaurant as it does to see lots of things in my medicine cabinet. That’s how much I love restaurants, they make me feel like I’m in my own home. And for them to have fifteen of the same T-shirt lined up there, well that just makes me feel safe! They’re never going to run out of that T-shirt! Fifteen people can buy it before they run out! +19

You know I don’t have fifteen of the same anything. All I’m saying is that if anybody has a problem it’s Rainforest Cafe, so maybe you should be running down their tail!