Witchcraft

For those of you who aren't as hip on the restaurant scene as I am, Witchcraft is the new restaurant that just opened in the Heights, replacing the Dragon Bowl. I'm pretty cutting edge I know. I thought about name dropping the fact that I personally know Ken Bridges, but considering that I only know him from working at Pink's Pizza for a year and a half and not in any cool, food writer kind of way, I think I'll stay away from that. I liked the restaurant alright, but I noticed a few questions that I'd like to raise with you, my viewing audience.

Here's what really got to me: why is it called Witchcraft? Look my boyfriend told me that it was a craft beer and sandwich place, which would make sense, especially if they'd spelled it "Wichcraft" (which they didn't.) Anyway so we got there and they sell craft beer alright, which is cool except I don't like beer at all, but there were no sandwiches on the menu at all! There were burgers and things, but it wasn't called Burgercraft! I also would have accepted this if they'd played nothing but the theme song to the TV show Bewitched and then maybe the soundtrack to the Will Ferrell movie based off of it. But they didn't. The only thing I could come up with is that it was kind of dimly lit in there and they had some heavy, deep green curtains, which seemed kind of witch-y in that if they fell on top of you they looked like they'd suffocate you. Plus our server had long hair, and everyone knows that witches have long hair. Look it's just the Dragon Bowl had such a cool name and this one sucks. -12 Sorry to use such strong language, that does seem kind of mean to say.


Here's the other thing. What's this small plate stuff I'm seeing everywhere. It seems to me that it's just an excuse to pay more money to eat less food, with the only benefit that smaller things, historically, have looked cuter. While I will agree that this works with things like kittens and puppies, I saw a behind the scenes look at foot binding and I'm against it. Here's a list I've compiled for you of things I prefer in a larger size:
1. Diamonds
2. Bottles of tequila
3. Feather pillows
4. Minivans (kind of counter-intuitive, I know, since it has the word "mini" in it, but trust me go big or go home on minivans)
5. Plates of food
I just don't even understand where the desire for this sort of thing comes in. I mean this is Texas, right? Bigger is better? Isn't that a thing people say here? So I'm not really into small plates. I'm into plates as heaped with food as they possibly can be. -9

My final critique is more constructive than anything else. I mean I think we can work through this, with enough cans of Febreeze. Personally I like the Thai Dragonflower flavor, that comes in a pink bottle; alternatively you can try the orange candles they sell at IKEA, they smell pretty awesome too. The only problem is that they lined the walls with these I assume cedar planks, I don't really know guys, I'm not a lumberjack, I can't just tell you what kind of wood things are. Anyway the restaurant to me smelled kind of like the inside of a gerbil's cage. Not like, after you've been on vacation for a week or so and he's been living on his own, but like when you first get a gerbil and everything's new and smells like gerbil chips. That's what it smelled like to me. It wouldn't be a big deal except my roommate has a guinea pig and I happen to be very frightened of that whole area of rodentry. Actually most areas of rodentry, though I will admit that mice are one of the things that are cuter the smaller they are. Anyway I'm not even going to assign a number to this gerbil smell just because I'm sure it will go away.

The burgers were very good there, I just recommend that you don't go expecting any kind of witch-y theme because you will be disappointed. Also I didn't actually try the small plates, I just complained about them. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!