Whole Foods

There are two main advantages to going to lunch at Whole Foods. And I'm not talking about going to Whole Foods and buying things to go back to your own home and make; for those of you who are living under a rock (or perhaps are the older school Republicans, who refuse to do hippy things even when they're really trendy; I wish I could stick to my guns like you but unfortunately I do believe in gun control) Whole Foods does indeed have a cafeteria section where you can select foods, point them out, pay for them, and then consume on premise. The first advantage to this is, of course, that you pay for your food by the pound. I think this is pretty cool just because I have this wacked out bathroom scale which seems to have been dropped on it's head as a child, and I like to weigh myself before I eat, know how much I consume, and then weigh myself again. Today for lunch for example I consumed 1.2 pounds worth of salad and quinoa (seriously guys what the hell is quinoa, I only selected it because I thought it would be cool to find out, turns out it only tasted like the parsley that was mixed into it. That's pretty sad, when you're blander than parsley. C'mon quinoa let's get it together). A quick measurement of my weight showed that I actually managed to lose 3 pounds in the time it took me to eat this salad; of course let's be generous to my bathroom scale there was also the substantial amount of exercise walking twelve feet from my kitchen table to the bathroom and back again. +32 Also, it's important to always know how manly you are, and today I was manly enough to demolish 1.2 lbs of food.

The other good thing about getting your food at a grocery store is that there are lots of opportunities for cost saving. Say you want to eat 1.2 lbs of food but don't want to pay for it. That kind of stuff doesn't fly at Taco Bell, but at Whole Foods, no big deal! All you have to do is run a few laps around the store; there are plenty of opportunities for free samples! Today I managed to get a handful of shredded wheats, an orange slice, some brioche (this word sounds as fancy as quinoa but I'm happy to report is much tastier), and a few spoonfuls of some apple thing that they were advertising for Passover. +28 Anyways, not that I've ever felt bad about my scavenging, but I did get some validation today. There was some fancy guy in a suit at Whole Foods at the same time I was, and I'm happy to report that his scavenging reached levels way above my own. I ran into this person, who seemed to have a real, adult person job with a real, adult person paycheck, no less than four times at four separate scavenging stations. He never had any groceries in his stands, and whenever we made knowing eye contact, he seemed not sheepish but cunning and calculating. I hope I can be like him when I'm a real adult with a real adult job.

It's not all pay by the pound food and free scavenging, though. There is a real problem eating in the Whole Foods cafeteria, and that's the fact that it's located in Whole Foods. There are so many cool things to buy there! All sorts of sparkling drinks and fruit juices from fruits you've never heard of! They have drinks with live cultures in them that you have to keep refrigerated, with a warning right on the bottle that there will be sediment in your drink because there is bacteria living inside it! How could you not want to immediately buy that?? Plus it's even worse than that, they have all sorts of specialty chocolates on them, and they're so covered in words like "organic" and "free trade" and "this chocolate was made by pregnant women who would have no other means of supporting their unborn children and your purchase is saving lives" and "buying one chocolate bar supports a Somalian family for six years" that it's impossible to remember that Whole Foods chocolate will make you just as fat as HEB chocolate, but by then you've already spent your whole paycheck and you might as well eat all of it. Look all I know is I went in there to buy lunch and came out with enough food to eat for a week. -16