Batanga

That's right guys. I don't spend all of my time locked up in my bedroom, typing away on my computer and spending hours staring out the window at the rain thinking about sorrow and poetry and what rhymes with "young adult wasteland" and "why do my boobs hurt so bad when I lay on top of them". Sometimes, I leave my house and go to fancy, trendy restaurants in Houston's popular downtown district. And sometimes, I even wear clothes that I haven't slept in. I am an adult, ladies and gentlemen.

I really like Batanga, I've actually been there twice. I like it the most because of a drink they have called "Finn's Revenge." I'm not exactly sure what's in it (even though they print all of the details on the menu); it's something like coconut milk and vanilla rum and ginger beer and basil and mint. It's definitely the most delicious alcoholic beverage I've ever had and it tastes like a milkshake. The real reason I like it though is because of the basil and mint that they put in there. Guys I LOVE drinking alcohol with roughage in it. I always pick it out and eat it, even though my mother, director of the Etiquette School of Central Texas, would probably suggest that that is "rude and disgusting." Look, here's my argument: that may be the only serving of vegetables I eat that week. Would you rather I was a little bit rude at the dinner table with somebody who's obviously, let's face it, I mean look at me, dating me for my looks anyways and doesn't care about my habits.... or that I die of some kind of vitamin deficiency because most of my diet is made up of bowls of strawberry frosted shredded wheat and frozen pierogies? Or as I call them, little pastry puffs of heaven. I think that the choice here is obvious. Finn's Revenge saves lives, and we should respect that. +13

Here's what's actually the best thing about Batanga that I can't believe I didn't start with: hello, it is so freaking fun to say! Batanga! Batanga! Batanga! It seems like it should be someone's catchphrase, or something! Or like a polite way of saying something dirty. "I really need to go to the facilities and batanga." "Man, did you see that hot guy? I'd really like to curl up with him and batanga." "I went out last night and had a few too many Finn's Revenges, and this morning.... bam! Batanga everywhere!" Not because Batanga the restaurant is a dirty kind of place but just because, you know. I want to say the word every day, in every situation. +21

My main criticism of Batanga is of course completely arbitrary. I hate that it's a tapas restaurant! The food is so good, why does it have to be served in such an annoying way! I hate tapas for one very simple reason: I'm an extremely competitive person. When I go to the restaurant, I want to sit down, look at the menu, and then pick the most delicious thing they've got. When my dish comes out, I want to say, "Oh my gosh, this is the most delicious thing I've ever tasted! I'll give up batangaing for life if it means I can only eat this until I die! Though, without batanga, that might be pretty quickly, am I right?" And then everyone that I'm with is super jealous, and they're eating whatever inferior thing they ordered, and they're sullenly dragging their soup through some gross broth or like trying to carve some kind of quail or something pretentious, seething with hatred that I'm so much better at restauranting than they are. That's all I want, OK? That's my idea of a perfect night, of a perfect meal. For me to, you know, be better than everyone else. Tapas? They're like the communism of the dinner table. Everyone gets the same thing. I don't get to sit there, smug and high and mighty, lording over my companions. Now, we're all eating the same bacon-wrapped dates or whatever (an excellent dish actually available at Batanga, it's a new year so I'll give you an actual fact about a restaurant for a change. Just don't get used to it) and we're all closing our eyes and wondering what wonderful thing we did in a past life to deserve this. -90 I wanted to be the only one who did something great in my past life! I want to be the one with all the stored karma credits! If I wanted to live my life in the horrible kind of way where we're all equal, I would move to Cuba. But I don't! I want to be champion of the universe, and Batanga is making it really difficult to reach my goals. So thanks a lot, and I'll be reporting you to Senator McCarthy to be dealt with accordingly.

If I were you I'd get to Batanga now, before it's closed down, and if anyone is interested in signing my petition to end tapas restaurants once and for all, feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.