OK so Cavatore's is located at 2120 Ella Boulevard and I went there last Wednesday with my friend Scott. He and I had had a chance to read those prices on the menu online but we were still dressed in our slumming clothes (I'm just kidding we don't have slumming clothes we're in college it's just the stuff we wear.) So we're kind of nervous, are we under-dressed, will we be able to get a table, will the maitre'd think we're white trash, but then we pull up and Scott says, and I quote, "It's in an expletive barn who are they trying to fool?" And you know what? I have no idea. You guys looked at that website (I hope it was your homework for this blog). I have no idea what who they're trying to fool. I don't even understand if they have an actual theme. They serve Italian food, we got that. But they're in an expletive barn, which doesn't seem congruent. They have red and white checked tablecloths, that's Italian, everybody knows that. They have paintings of Italy, but they're done in some kind of Dia del Muerte theme. I mean they served Italian food, but it was really second rate (Scott rated the Chicken Parmesan - if I can remember correctly - about an 89. Better than he can make himself, but not by enough to matter.) Some of the things about them seemed really fine dining - they had really small, unsatisfactory water glasses (don't you absolutely hate that? If I'm going to drink some water, man, then I really want to tuck into it, you know? It's important to stay hydrated! If I'm going to eat some high sodium Italian food then I'm going to need a water glass that I can really suck water out of, not be allotted a single swallow every time the waitress comes around to fill us up -5. And have you noticed that it's only fancy restaurants that do this? I mean for goodness sakes if I'm going to pay more than six dollars for my entree then I want all the free water I can get! You know what? -6 more!), the napkins were cloth instead of the paper you'd expect from the outside of the building, it was too expensive for the quality of food they provided...
I mean does it sound like I'm confused here? I'm pretty confused here. I don't even know how to review Cavatore's. I'd like to say witty things about the crappy blue mints they had as you left (-4) or the lady sitting across from us with the zebra-print cardigan (+10). I just can't! I don't understand the place! Their website says some schlock about their restaurant representing both Texas and Italy, but why does that even sound like a good idea? It doesn't!
It's just. Everybody take a moment and picture Texas. Really settle in, imagine all the imagery that the name of the state conjures. What do you imagine? It's OK, you can say it, I live here, I've heard all the stereotypes before. What you're imagining is some guy wearing a cowboy hat stomping on a rattlesnake with his boots as he rides his horse to school. It's what everybody's thinking about. And now close your eyes and picture Italy. What do you imagine? A wonderland, much like that scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory when the kids get let loose and there's all that chocolate growing on trees and edible tea cups etc etc, but instead of edible tea cups and giant jawbreakers and a river made out of chocolate, we have spaghetti growing on bushes outside your front door, a chicken coop filled with little baby capers just waiting to grow big and strong for your salad, little veals running around on their spindly legs, moments away from the slaughter. A wonderland, filled with the most delicious foods you can imagine. What was the point of this exercise? Merely this. Texas isn't known for its cuisine. I mean we make some freaking great Tex Mex, nobody's going to deny that. But I mean really? What has Texas brought into the culinary world itself? Rattlesnake jerky? Mesquite toothpicks? I wouldn't want to eat any of that in a fine dining restaurant, and I cannot help but think that the reason Cavatore's is so awful and disappointing is that they chose to take a delicious style of cuisine and link it with a dusty state filled with Stetsons and buffaloes. It doesn't make any sense. I mean they had a live musician, this guy playing the piano really loudly next to our table (-9). In a barn. A guy playing the piano in a barn. Look sometimes it's cute and fun to be incongruous and adventuresome, but SOMETIMES YOU SHOULD STICK TO WHAT YOU KNOW BEST! -18
Look guys I hate to be all negative and tell you not to go to this place, but as a final note you should know that in this restaurant that is built in a barn, their menu is written in Italian. They're so unpretentious that they ARE LOCATED IN A BARN, but their menu. Is written. In Italian. If you have any further questions, such as what kind of building Cavatore's is built in or whether or not I ride my horse to school, feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.
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