Guadalajara's

Located at 2925 Southwest Freeway, Guadalajara's is where my biffle's father takes her for time to time for lunches and my parents took me for dinner about a week ago. For those of you who haven't yet made it to middle school, a biffle is someone that you complain about everything to and occasionally allow to borrow your cardigan.

Insert transitional sentence here, I'm afraid this review is going to be dominated by a discussion of Guadalajara's bathrooms. So when we first got to the restaurant, my dad goes to the bathroom and he comes out and he complains that they've put newspapers above the urinals in the men's room but the newspapers are a couple days out of print, and says I should mention it as a negative in my blog post.

Can we all just hold up here? Who knew they put newspapers above the urinals in the men's room? I sure as heck didn't. Before right now, I just assumed that men's rooms and women's rooms were exactly the same, except that they had slightly different hardware. But now... remember when you were younger and you heard about teachers hanging out in the teachers' lounge and you assumed that during their lunch breaks, while you were trading your pickle for your neighbor's gushers (just kidding nobody would go for an uneven trade like that) they were sipping on apple-tinis and listening to dubstep? This is how I feel about the men's room now! Newspapers over the urinal! You can catch up on the news while peeing! This sounds so efficient and such a good use of multitasking! Ladies, do you know what else my dad said to me? He said that Guadalajara's isn't even the only restaurant who's toilets have this feature. He gave me the statistic that one in ten bathrooms that he visits have reading material posted for his leisure. I sure as heck have never visited a bathroom like that! I'll grant you, sometimes I use a bathroom and I'll find a few numbers in case I'd like a good time (mini golf, I assume, or maybe a good book). Occasionally I'll find some valuable information about who's a ho and who's a skanky b***** (have you noticed there's always too many stars in the curse words in bathrooms?). Once in a while there will be an inspirational quote. But never in my wildest dreams did I even imagine that men's rooms would be providing anything better than that. Newspapers! It's really mind boggling! It makes me wonder what else they have in those places! Fainting couches? Ski ranges? Slot machines? Strippers? In the UH library, in the fourth floor ladies' bathroom, there's a plastic orange bed that somebody abandoned there that I've always wondered at its usage. I mean seriously, is it in case I've studied to hard and start to get overheated? People just sleep at the study carrels there can't be a real use for it. Why am I even trying to provide other places a person could sleep? Why would you sleep in a bathroom in the first place? It's right by the door there's no way you wouldn't be awoken every couple minutes by someone who drank too much coffee and the thought of losing consciousness in a place where people relieve their bladders just seems really unattractive to me, call me old fashioned. So that's not as cool as Guadalajara's men's room. At the ladies's room in the Galleria Omni they provide actual towels for you to dry your hands with instead of paper towels, but my friend Scott confirms they have the same service for men, so we don't have an advantage there either. I'm just saying this whole thing has really made me think about how I'm going to redecorate my own bathroom. +34

We'll travel a few feet over into the women's bathroom at Guadalajara's, a location I was able to experience for myself. I had an enjoyable experience overall, nothing to read, but I'm used to that. I get out and I'm washing my hands and I'm reaching for the soap and you know what it says? "Try me." Try me! People shouldn't be offered to "try" the soap in bathrooms! If anything using the soap in bathrooms should be a requirement! It was so polite, so un-presumptuous, like you were doing the soap a FAVOR by trying it, instead of doing humanity your duty, instead of performing your civic requirements. Using soap in a bathroom is like voting. An obligation on you based on your citizenship in this global society! This is how swine flu started, guys! I'm not a medical genius or anything but I'm pretty sure there was some little piglet that drank too much margarita with their trough full of leftovers and after they relieved themselves, the soap dispenser said "try me" instead of "use me or else a worldwide epidemic will grow so large that elementary schools will be forced to shut down to avoid spreading this contagion!" I mean this is serious stuff guys! Maybe I'm just feeling bitter and offended that they have these unequal restroom facilities divided along gender lines and then Guadalajara's isn't even doing their duty to protect the world from SARS. -12

All this talk about bathrooms has really made me feel the three bottles of water I just drank to hydrate myself for the workout of all this typing, so I'll just mention one last thing. Do you know what they serve their children's drinks in at Guadalajara's? Giant fake crayons. Oh my goodness, what on Earth is more charming than that? And then the straw comes out of the tip of the crayon! I'm not sure, I didn't order a kid's drink (though I sorely wanted to) but I think you even get to keep them when you're finished imbibing! I wonder if they serve margaritas in them if you beg hard enough! I bet they do! My point is my apartment is going to go through some serious redecorating soon, with newspapers being displayed above the toilet and crayons replacing all of my regular serious adult shaped beverage containers! +13

Anyways that's the whole review. I'm going to segregate my recommendation here; if you're a man, I definitely suggest you check out Guadalajara's, but if you're a lady, boycott it - and boycott all discriminatory bathroom practices - until this terrible practice has come to an end and finally all genders can relieve themselves equally! If you have any questions or would like to join the cause of equality, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!