Eatsie Boys

That's right guys I'm reviewing a food truck! It's full name is Eatsie Boys Intergalactic Food Truck, so if you're like me and didn't catch the Beastie Boys reference just from the font they spell their name with despite the fact that you own 3 of their albums, that reference to their hit Intergalactic Planetary should tip you off. If you're still lost, they have an Eggman sandwich, a pork sandwich called "Sabotage", and many more Beastie inspired menu items. To get into character I'm listening to Solid Gold Hits; to get into character the cooks ONLY listen to Beastie Boys music. Basically I'm in love. +12

So I'm not really sure how to review a food truck since it's not a real establishment so we'll just get started. Picture the scene: the parking lot of Agorra. Two young urban socialites, Catherine and Melissa, hang out on the corner of Westheimer and whatever that cross road is. We're chic. We're handsome. We're waiting for our sandwiches. And then this homeless guy wanders up. OK I'm a Republican but I don't have a problem with homeless people normally, they've never done me any harm, we're all just trying to get by right? So this homeless guy wanders up and the guy at Eatsie Boys says he'll give him a sandwich so now we're all waiting for our sandwiches. A car drives by, and the H.G. says, "Man, that pollution smells bad, doesn't it?" And I think, oh man, he's not even a real homeless guy, he's just part of the Occupy movement! Naturally I start looking for my mace before he starts to ask me to vote for Ron Paul. But we obviously are polite, young urban socialites that we are, and then he transitions from talking about how bad pollution is for you to talking about how bad fatty foods are for you! The guys at Eatsie Boys are straight up giving him a free sandwich just because he hasn't shaved in a while, and he's complaining because it's bad for you! He told us it was going to make our arteries close up! Excuse me guys! If I were interested in my arteries, I'd stick to the salad bar, OF WHICH EATSIE BOYS HAS NONE. This homeless guy straight up told us to stop eating at "places like that" if we could (if we could! Have any of you guys MET my friend Willpower? My willpower will kick that homeless guy's butt!) while we were still young. Eatsie Boys has a bumper sticker on their window that says "Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway, so enjoy!" +78, Eatsie Boys. That's the kind of message I like. -12, homeless guy. Next time you want somebody to care about their arteries you should complain to those Greenpeace guys who are always hanging out around the library. They don't even like the Beastie Boys they only listen to Sarah McLachlan songs while watching slideshows of kittens. Sweet burn.

Here's something cute about the Eatsie Boys. For one thing they have a really cute slogan, it's a lower case e wearing a chef hat and he has really cute little feet coming out of the bottom and a really cute hand. +3 And the other cool thing is that their van is covered in ice cream. I mean it's not ACTUALLY covered in ice cream, geez guys, it's covered in pictures of ice cream. I just think it's cool because most of the food trucks I'm familiar with, in Austin exclusively because I'm not young-urban-socialite enough to have gone to food trucks in Houston too many times before this are in converted school buses or like trailers. This one was made out of what looks like an old ice cream truck! It's almost too cool for me I can only put a +9 because I'm not cool enough to type higher numbers than that.

The best part about the Eatsie Boys of course is that we ate in my car to avoid the hipsters in Agorra and also because I was too hungry to drive home with delicious foods in my vehicle. Seriously guys have you ever been in my car? Shout out to my mini van it's so comfortable for eating sandwiches in I don't know why I don't exclusively eat in it if you eat too much you can just tilt the seat back and fold your hands over your stomach and roll down the windows so you get a cool breeze floating delicately across your face. Plus there are arm rests and a box with 500 forks in the very back if you need extra utensils, that was somebody definitely thinking ahead good one Catherine. Plus my parents just vacuumed out the inside so it has this new car smell again, in contrast to the small pack of animals living in the car smell that it sometimes gets when it rains. The radio doesn't work though so you have to sing your own mood music but that's cool I know about 2/3s of the words to a lot of hits and also there are dome lights that you can adjust brightness wise based on how romantic you want your dinner with Melissa to be. I went for one light on, otherwise referred to as "super romantic." I edited out a couple of jokes about drinking wine in your car right here in case anybody from MADD is reading this.

Anyways guyzos you should check out Eatsie Boys and if not there are so many good food trucks in Houston that obviously deserve our hunger (OK that shout out might have been influenced by the fact that they gave me not one but two free bumper stickers). I heard that homeless guy moved to Portland to protest against wearing shoes so you should be safe. If you have any questions or comments feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!