Chipotle

Look guys here’s the thing I know this woman who works for corporate Chipotle and one time she gave me FOUR COUPONS for FREE BURRITOS. What I’m trying to say is that only nice people work at Chipotle, and I’m never going to give a bias-free review of this place, nicknamed “The Greatest Restaurant on the Planet.” If you guys haven’t been to a Chipotle, you better get your hiney there. If anybody deserves every single one of your spending dollars, it’s the woman who once gave me four free meals. (The best part is you know what I used one of those coupons for? My friend Ken helped me move apartments in the middle of a hot, humid Houston day and I was real grumpy and a real big wreck the whole time so of course I had to buy him lunch and I used a free burrito coupon on it. Isn’t that really great?? He did all the heavy lifting and it was completely free to me! My GOD, I love Chipotle. +1325)

Here’s the thing about Chipotle, guys. Look by now everyone knows that the one thing I hate in this world more than green beans is hippies. I mean what’s to like about a hippy? They don’t have jobs, they sit in the park all day smoking the reefer, they never wash their hair, and they drink soy milk. Oh my GOSH. The thing is, at first glance, Chipotle appears to be a hippy establishment. I mean they have free range chicken meats and they support local farms and they have one ply toilet paper. But here’s the thing, no matter how much they care about ­issues, they’re still much more conservative than those communists over at Freebird’s. (Do you know what they call their brownies over there? Pot brownies. Because they make them in a pot. Get a job, freeloaders!!! -12) I was a little skeptical about Chipotle at first, especially since their website tosses around words like “sustainable” and “organic” like my dad tosses around commas. But this is what is printed on their napkins: “This napkin is made from 90% post-consumer recycled unbleached paper. It could have been an electricity bill or a parking ticket in its past life. Forgive and forget.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Can you believe this?? How could I have accused them of being a hippy establishment?? GUYS, this is a restaurant that is actually encouraging me to use as many napkins as I want! They’re encouraging me to use a different napkin every time I need to clean of my filthy, pico de gallo covered fingers! They’re actually encouraging me to scrub the guacamole off of my chin as frequently as I want, to grab fistfuls of the stuff to erase the food odor from my hands! I can wipe up as much condensation as I want, I can blow my nose, I can stuff it into the cracks in my car where the insulation has come up to get rid of the drafty sensation whenever the car goes over 70 (exaggerated for emphasis Dad don’t worry I don’t go that fast and I’m taking great care of the car)! +a freaking zillion!!!! Compare Chipotle to the mothership of all hippies, Whole Foods: in the Whole Foods cafeteria in Austin, Texas, I once saw a sign over their napkins that read “I used to be a tree, don’t take more than three.” ??? And I once compared Chipotle, the land of consumption and freedom to clean, wipe, and dry as much as I desire, to THAT monstrosity? I’m just so glad that I saw the error in my ways and finally saw the light on what is a beautiful, wondrous playground of joy.

It’s even better than that though, guys. I mean these guys are good. They’ve got it down to the tiniest of deets. Their straws at Chipotle are so THICK! I mean tell me guys, what’s worse than being really nervous at a restaurant, waiting for the AAA guy to show up to get you out of your latest automobile related mess (still joking Dad), playing with your straw, only to take a nervous slug out of your drink and realize that you have inadvertently chewed a hole through your straw! Guys that’s the worst because then there’s that really weird texture in your mouth when you try to suck the beverage through (usually I drink water in restaurants but when I’m stressed I switch to Coke to keep my blood sugar up) like you’re trying to drink from a cheese grater. At Chipotle, they reinforce their straws with titanium to make sure this never ever happens! This is the only time I’ve ever noticed this phenomenon guys, and let me tell you, it is phenomenal. This is Chipotle fixing a need I didn’t even know I had! +91

K I know I already warned you guys that I’m unbiased but just to keep my integrity I’ll go ahead and give you one teensy detail that maybe puts Chipotle in a bad light. It’s just. I usually go to the Chipotle on Kirby Drive, and they have this bar against the wall, and guys, it’s just a tiny arbitrary criticism, I’m sure it’s not even a big deal, I mean four free burritos way outweighs this... it’s just... their bar stools don’t swivel.  -4? -2? -1. We’ll go with -1. Sure, I love swiveling around in my bar stools, sure, it’s especially fun when you’re wearing a skirt and it billows out all around you, but you know what? The last time I went to Chipotle I wasn’t even wearing a skirt. I was wearing pants. So it was a non-issue, OK? Guys it’s not even a big deal! I’m sorry I even said anything, Chipotle, I didn’t mean it, I love you.

All I’m saying is, the next time you want to go to that socialist dump that is Freebird’s, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com and I’ll talk you into going to a real restaurant, like Chipotle!