Jerry Built

 Oh my gosh guys this place is amazing I don't even know where to start. It's located at 3501 Holcombe, which was it's first positive because it's super super close to my apartment, not like that stupid Burger Guys that takes you thirty minutes to drive to. You're right! I should give them +8 for their address because I love them that much!!

OK so we'll start with my first impression so you don't think I've lost all sense of journalistic integrity. I mean I hated this place when I first walked in, because there's a giant cow on their sign that has all of the portions of it's meat marked in dotted lines, like it's up for slaughter. Gosh, what's more Texas than that? +3 But then I walked in and there's just all these boxes of vegetables lying around with signs, so you know which farm they come from and where all your food's from and if it's organic or sustainable or local. You've got to be kidding me guys. They lured me in here thinking I was going to be in a tough, manly establishment, and then it turns out everyone there voted for Obama? -9 And the worst part is, their patties only have 1/4 pound of meat in them. PORTION CONTROL? In a building that marketed themselves to me which a giant steer I thought I was going to get to eat the majority of? This is certainly no Fuddrucker's, where I choose the amount of meat I want to destroy my body with. And the worst part is that in the dining room, there are hanging plants.
Hanging plants! -6 Can you guys imagine anything more hippy-like and awful? But please guys I want you to look past the decor this is the most charming restaurant in America, please bear with them.

I don't want to ruin all the surprises at once, so we'll start out slow. First up we have the soda fountain that I've described to you before, at Fuddrucker's, with the plethora of choices. Look I'd only ever seen this before at the F-Spot, as I like to affectionately call it, but I guess a lot of people read my review because now those things are popping up everywhere! They even have them at Pei Wei now, or as I like to call it the best Chinese restaurant in town! And now at Jerry Built! They have flavored Sprite guys, I had no idea there were more than one flavor of Sprite! They have GRAPE SPRITE at Jerry Built. And you know what I drank? Cherry vanilla coke! Back in my day we were allowed to have Cherry Coke or we could have Vanilla Coke. We couldn't have both! But at Jerry Built, you can finally realize that childhood fantasy and even better, you only have to press one button, not two, and then you don't even have to stir them together with your straw! Oh the simplicity +9

Then it gets better, there's a chalkboard on the wall and you can write whatever you want! +12 Well I don't think you can write ANYTHING you want it seemed like someone had written the b-word on it and then someone else had come by and erased it. But I don't really know anything about that I don't even know what the b-word is, maybe bridgette? Bradley? Bronchitis? I hope I haven't offended anybody by my idle guessing.

But now it's time for us to get to the very best part guys! I just want the excitement to build any longer, but I can't, I'm just going to tell you, they have a handwashing machine there. A machine that washes your hands for you! And not just your hands either! It washes your whole forearm as well so after you eat your burger, you're immediately capable of performing neurosurgery! +8 Oh my gosh you have no idea it's so cool you press a button and then you stick your hands in and then these motors start up and water squirts out and it starts spinning so it's squirting out in a cylindrical fashion and at first it's just water and then it's immediately water and soap and then when it's good and ready the rinse cycle sets in and before you know it, you're completely clean! I hadn't washed my hands since about last Thursday, but boy did that handwashing machine have them looking and smelling clean again! But I STILL haven't told you the best part. The handwashing machine is pretty amazing, but afterwards, after you've washed your hands, you get a sticker that says "My hands are clean" and it has a picture of a pair of hands on it. +9323 Are you kidding me? I get a burger, and clean hands, and a STICKER? Those were all the errands I was going to run that day, all boiled down into one stop! Talk about service guys, I just went home and crawled into bed because I'd accomplished the world and I didn't need to do anything else (just kidding I've been reading Game of Thrones did you guys read it? Oh my GOSH it's amazing)

Anyways. I don't even know if anyone's still reading this, you've probably all already gotten up to run to Jerry Built to wash your hands, but if not you should go! Go! Begone with you! And then email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!