It's not all sparkles and roses at Bernie's Burger Bus though; I have a real problem with a their truck design. Guys. It's an old school bus. And here are the names of their menu items: The Substitute, The Principal, The Bully, Detention, Study Hall, Home Room, The Preschoolers, The Kindergarteners, Recess, Field Trip, and Extracurricular Activities. Let's take a look at that list guys: how many of those things can you actually find on a school bus? Three! I'll maybe count "Field Trip" as a fourth because you take school buses to go on field trips. The Substitute? Have any of you ever seen a substitute teacher ever ride the school bus? No. They drive their own cars. If I ever saw one of my substitutes riding the school bus with me, I'd automatically have no respect for them; I can only imagine how dangerous that kind of mistake would be in an inner city school. Is that what you're supporting, Bernie's Burger Bus? Student against teacher violence? Come on. But the menu item that makes me the most unhappy is, of course, the Detention. I mean these guys obviously never had to ride the bus when they were younger! If you have detention, then you don't ride the bus! Your mom has to come pick you up and then you get lectured the whole way about what a bad kid you are (I'm just improvising guys I only had detention once and it was in fifth grade because I never remembered to bring a pen to class. I didn't really get any kind of lecture about that.) Also, this burger costs $17. (Don't be offended by the price though, instead of using hamburger buns, my understanding is that they use two grilled cheese sandwiches for the bun so there's no way you aren't getting your money's worth.) What I'm offended about is the fact that people who get detention don't have enough afternoon time to get real jobs; they're in detention. They can't afford to pay $17 a burger. Who is Bernie's Burger Bus appealing to? Who? WHO? Certainly not us good kids who didn't get detention and rode the bus home every day and then did our afternoon babysitting gigs. I'd pay $17 for a National Honor Society burger, maybe. Or for a Advanced Placement burger. University Interscholastic League burger. Smart kids burger. Hmph. -18
Here's the thing though is that a whole portion of their menu is just dedicated to different kinds of french fries. I was always a lover of french fries (I like to tell Thomas that I'm not hungry and then eat all of his french fries) but ever since coming back from Canada and experiencing poutine for the first time, I've been a lover of stuff ON french fries as well. At Bernie's they have fries that come with truffle oil and scallions on them. Look I don't really know what truffle oil is, but if you look for it at HEB it's ridiculously expensive and there's nothing I love more than eating expensive things. Especially on french fries. And scallions? Ugh they go on everything. Most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions. They're just the perfect amount of crunch and sharpness to add to literally anything, I eat them on my breakfast cereal (I just made that up, I just didn't want you guys to catch me saying literally when I really meant figuratively.) +8 Bernie's really does know how to make some fries, even though they list them under "extracurriculars," which everyone knows also keep you from riding the bus.
Come check them out, they actually have three buses circulating around Houston, but the best is obviously available here at the University of Houston. Let me know what you think at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!
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