Cavatore's

Look before we get started on this I'd like to direct you to Cavatore's website, located here. I sort of feel like I don't have to say anything about it; it basically speaks for itself. I mean do you see that guy with a fish head? You don't need me to tell you how ridiculous this is, after 24 other blog posts I think I've trained you to spot the absurd for yourself.

OK so Cavatore's is located at 2120 Ella Boulevard and I went there last Wednesday with my friend Scott. He and I had had a chance to read those prices on the menu online but we were still dressed in our slumming clothes (I'm just kidding we don't have slumming clothes we're in college it's just the stuff we wear.) So we're kind of nervous, are we under-dressed, will we be able to get a table, will the maitre'd think we're white trash, but then we pull up and Scott says, and I quote, "It's in an expletive barn who are they trying to fool?" And you know what? I have no idea. You guys looked at that website (I hope it was your homework for this blog). I have no idea what who they're trying to fool. I don't even understand if they have an actual theme. They serve Italian food, we got that. But they're in an expletive barn, which doesn't seem congruent. They have red and white checked tablecloths, that's Italian, everybody knows that. They have paintings of Italy, but they're done in some kind of Dia del Muerte theme. I mean they served Italian food, but it was really second rate (Scott rated the Chicken Parmesan - if I can remember correctly - about an 89. Better than he can make himself, but not by enough to matter.) Some of the things about them seemed really fine dining - they had really small, unsatisfactory water glasses (don't you absolutely hate that? If I'm going to drink some water, man, then I really want to tuck into it, you know? It's important to stay hydrated! If I'm going to eat some high sodium Italian food then I'm going to need a water glass that I can really suck water out of, not be allotted a single swallow every time the waitress comes around to fill us up -5. And have you noticed that it's only fancy restaurants that do this? I mean for goodness sakes if I'm going to pay more than six dollars for my entree then I want all the free water I can get! You know what? -6 more!), the napkins were cloth instead of the paper you'd expect from the outside of the building, it was too expensive for the quality of food they provided...

I mean does it sound like I'm confused here? I'm pretty confused here. I don't even know how to review Cavatore's. I'd like to say witty things about the crappy blue mints they had as you left (-4) or the lady sitting across from us with the zebra-print cardigan (+10). I just can't! I don't understand the place! Their website says some schlock about their restaurant representing both Texas and Italy, but why does that even sound like a good idea? It doesn't!

It's just. Everybody take a moment and picture Texas. Really settle in, imagine all the imagery that the name of the state conjures. What do you imagine? It's OK, you can say it, I live here, I've heard all the stereotypes before. What you're imagining is some guy wearing a cowboy hat stomping on a rattlesnake with his boots as he rides his horse to school. It's what everybody's thinking about. And now close your eyes and picture Italy. What do you imagine? A wonderland, much like that scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory when the kids get let loose and there's all that chocolate growing on trees and edible tea cups etc etc, but instead of edible tea cups and giant jawbreakers and a river made out of chocolate, we have spaghetti growing on bushes outside your front door, a chicken coop filled with little baby capers just waiting to grow big and strong for your salad, little veals running around on their spindly legs, moments away from the slaughter. A wonderland, filled with the most delicious foods you can imagine. What was the point of this exercise? Merely this. Texas isn't known for its cuisine. I mean we make some freaking great Tex Mex, nobody's going to deny that. But I mean really? What has Texas brought into the culinary world itself? Rattlesnake jerky? Mesquite toothpicks? I wouldn't want to eat any of that in a fine dining restaurant, and I cannot help but think that the reason Cavatore's is so awful and disappointing is that they chose to take a delicious style of cuisine and link it with a dusty state filled with Stetsons and buffaloes. It doesn't make any sense. I mean they had a live musician, this guy playing the piano really loudly next to our table (-9). In a barn. A guy playing the piano in a barn. Look sometimes it's cute and fun to be incongruous and adventuresome, but SOMETIMES YOU SHOULD STICK TO WHAT YOU KNOW BEST! -18

Look guys I hate to be all negative and tell you not to go to this place, but as a final note you should know that in this restaurant that is built in a barn, their menu is written in Italian. They're so unpretentious that they ARE LOCATED IN A BARN, but their menu. Is written. In Italian. If you have any further questions, such as what kind of building Cavatore's is built in or whether or not I ride my horse to school, feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Guadalajara's

Located at 2925 Southwest Freeway, Guadalajara's is where my biffle's father takes her for time to time for lunches and my parents took me for dinner about a week ago. For those of you who haven't yet made it to middle school, a biffle is someone that you complain about everything to and occasionally allow to borrow your cardigan.

Insert transitional sentence here, I'm afraid this review is going to be dominated by a discussion of Guadalajara's bathrooms. So when we first got to the restaurant, my dad goes to the bathroom and he comes out and he complains that they've put newspapers above the urinals in the men's room but the newspapers are a couple days out of print, and says I should mention it as a negative in my blog post.

Can we all just hold up here? Who knew they put newspapers above the urinals in the men's room? I sure as heck didn't. Before right now, I just assumed that men's rooms and women's rooms were exactly the same, except that they had slightly different hardware. But now... remember when you were younger and you heard about teachers hanging out in the teachers' lounge and you assumed that during their lunch breaks, while you were trading your pickle for your neighbor's gushers (just kidding nobody would go for an uneven trade like that) they were sipping on apple-tinis and listening to dubstep? This is how I feel about the men's room now! Newspapers over the urinal! You can catch up on the news while peeing! This sounds so efficient and such a good use of multitasking! Ladies, do you know what else my dad said to me? He said that Guadalajara's isn't even the only restaurant who's toilets have this feature. He gave me the statistic that one in ten bathrooms that he visits have reading material posted for his leisure. I sure as heck have never visited a bathroom like that! I'll grant you, sometimes I use a bathroom and I'll find a few numbers in case I'd like a good time (mini golf, I assume, or maybe a good book). Occasionally I'll find some valuable information about who's a ho and who's a skanky b***** (have you noticed there's always too many stars in the curse words in bathrooms?). Once in a while there will be an inspirational quote. But never in my wildest dreams did I even imagine that men's rooms would be providing anything better than that. Newspapers! It's really mind boggling! It makes me wonder what else they have in those places! Fainting couches? Ski ranges? Slot machines? Strippers? In the UH library, in the fourth floor ladies' bathroom, there's a plastic orange bed that somebody abandoned there that I've always wondered at its usage. I mean seriously, is it in case I've studied to hard and start to get overheated? People just sleep at the study carrels there can't be a real use for it. Why am I even trying to provide other places a person could sleep? Why would you sleep in a bathroom in the first place? It's right by the door there's no way you wouldn't be awoken every couple minutes by someone who drank too much coffee and the thought of losing consciousness in a place where people relieve their bladders just seems really unattractive to me, call me old fashioned. So that's not as cool as Guadalajara's men's room. At the ladies's room in the Galleria Omni they provide actual towels for you to dry your hands with instead of paper towels, but my friend Scott confirms they have the same service for men, so we don't have an advantage there either. I'm just saying this whole thing has really made me think about how I'm going to redecorate my own bathroom. +34

We'll travel a few feet over into the women's bathroom at Guadalajara's, a location I was able to experience for myself. I had an enjoyable experience overall, nothing to read, but I'm used to that. I get out and I'm washing my hands and I'm reaching for the soap and you know what it says? "Try me." Try me! People shouldn't be offered to "try" the soap in bathrooms! If anything using the soap in bathrooms should be a requirement! It was so polite, so un-presumptuous, like you were doing the soap a FAVOR by trying it, instead of doing humanity your duty, instead of performing your civic requirements. Using soap in a bathroom is like voting. An obligation on you based on your citizenship in this global society! This is how swine flu started, guys! I'm not a medical genius or anything but I'm pretty sure there was some little piglet that drank too much margarita with their trough full of leftovers and after they relieved themselves, the soap dispenser said "try me" instead of "use me or else a worldwide epidemic will grow so large that elementary schools will be forced to shut down to avoid spreading this contagion!" I mean this is serious stuff guys! Maybe I'm just feeling bitter and offended that they have these unequal restroom facilities divided along gender lines and then Guadalajara's isn't even doing their duty to protect the world from SARS. -12

All this talk about bathrooms has really made me feel the three bottles of water I just drank to hydrate myself for the workout of all this typing, so I'll just mention one last thing. Do you know what they serve their children's drinks in at Guadalajara's? Giant fake crayons. Oh my goodness, what on Earth is more charming than that? And then the straw comes out of the tip of the crayon! I'm not sure, I didn't order a kid's drink (though I sorely wanted to) but I think you even get to keep them when you're finished imbibing! I wonder if they serve margaritas in them if you beg hard enough! I bet they do! My point is my apartment is going to go through some serious redecorating soon, with newspapers being displayed above the toilet and crayons replacing all of my regular serious adult shaped beverage containers! +13

Anyways that's the whole review. I'm going to segregate my recommendation here; if you're a man, I definitely suggest you check out Guadalajara's, but if you're a lady, boycott it - and boycott all discriminatory bathroom practices - until this terrible practice has come to an end and finally all genders can relieve themselves equally! If you have any questions or would like to join the cause of equality, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Cafe Brasil

I know what you guys are thinking. I complain about hipsters all the time, and then I willfully enter Cafe Brasil in search of a restaurant review. They don't even spell Brazil in a real, American way. What am I doing to myself? But here it is: a review of Cafe Brasil, located at 2604 Dunlavy.

Ok we can actually start by addressing the ‘s’ in Brasil - it wasn't bothering me at first but it keeps popping up in my spell check which is pretty obnoxious. I mean geez that's a whole nation of people that they're offending by their inability to spell I don't call them hipzters do I? They'd probably like it, the sick, twisted little jerks. -7 Its not even the most hipster part of the place I mean it's off of Westheimer I actually was surprised by the Dunlavy address. In the dining area they have all these stuffed animals that are nailed to the walls in some sort of installation art kind of way. I think it would be kind of funny if they'd mounted stuffed animals on their walls like they were hunting prizes, but that isn't how they did it. They just tacked all these poor stuffed animals in kind of like a pile on the wall; it's hard for me to describe without using words like "horrific" and "truly disturbing." I jest I jest it really isn't that bad, it's just weird and I don't understand it. My friend Ian made a coat out of the pelts of stuffed animals once and called it art; that is something I can understand. That is funny and witty. Stuffed animals destroyed to warm one of the walls (actually 2!) at Cafe Braxil? That's pretty weird. -9 But it gets worse! I ordered the grilled cheese sandwich and it came with French fries and do you know what they give you to dip them in? Organic ketchup! How does that even make sense? For one thing I never understood the organic phase but for another thing: Ketchup? I mean the whole thing is chock full of preservatives anyway! I mean wasn't that why ketchup was invented? To keep your tomatoes safe through the winter? To preserve your tomatoes through the winter? I'm just saying it seems like a strictly marketing maneuver and I'm against it. -5 The worst thing, though, was on their special menu. Do you know what they were advertising as their Friday special? Two-dollar Lonestars. What! For one thing, the only beer more hipster than Lonestar is PBR. For another, why would you ever pay even two dollars for Lonestar? I wouldn't pay fifty cents! I thought specials were supposed to make the beer cheaper so you'd be more inclined to buy it, not alert you to how expensive they are so you can get righteously indignant and blog about it in a complainy way! -6

Look I actually liked Cafe Bratil a bit. I mean I ate their grilled cheese sandwich and it wasn't buttery enough and the crust was burnt my dad makes better. But it wasn't a bad place, you know? So I'm going to keep complaining about it but you should know it's not terrible.

That being said, geez their bathrooms are so awful! It was like when I opened the bathroom door I crossed into some kind of mental institution. I'm talking all metal furnishings, a concrete floor, white tiles on the walls. I felt claustrophobic in there. I felt like I should be wearing a straitjacket. I just felt crazy in there it was terrible! -56 I'm not saying the bathroom is the most important part of the restaurant, I mean obviously in another person's blog the food's the most important. But that's such a personal location, you know? I mean if somebody needs to be comfortable anywhere it's the toilet right!?! So I can't help but think that for them to make this one so institutional was a huge faux pas especially considering how warm and welcoming they tried to make the rest of the restaurant.

Also, know what they have inside the restaurant? A statue of a lion! I thought it was really sweet but I was kind of confused: am I in Cafe Bralil or am I standing outside the New York Public Library? I like lions a lot once I went to the Waco Zoo for a friend's birthday party in about sixth grade or so and we went right when it opened; everybodywas tired even the lions. So we all wandered up to the glass and the lion did too, probably thinking, mmm, I haven't had my steak yet this morning, these eleven-year-olds look delicious... And he roared! Rooooarrrr! And he reared up and put his hands up against the glass and oh my gosh it was one of the most moving moments of my life, it's like when you listen to that Blake Shelton song “Austin” and she answers and says, "If you're calling about my heart, it's still yours". His big old lion paws were on the glass and then I could lean forward and put my person hands against his and his paws were so much bigger than mine! He was so much more powerful than I was! But I'm not eleven anymore and my hands are a lot bigger I could take a lion now. Anyways my point is I really like that Cafe Brabil has a lion statue inside their restaurant. +12

Anyways so that's my whole review. I know it was mostly negative but like I said it's located right off Westheimer so I knew what I was getting into and probably so would you if you went in! Give it a try and then email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

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THE fish

I know what you're thinking. THE fish? Am I sure it's not just A fish? But it's not! It's THE fish, located at 309 Gray St, and they serve really good sushi there! Have you guys been to that part of Gray Street before? It's right across the street from Coco's Crepes, another place I really like, and I think it's a fun part of town! All the businesses have apartments on top of them, everybody is between the ages of 25 and 35, nobody has any kids or responsibilities, and everybody's always walking a really cute dog! It's the perfect place! It feels like what a real city should feel like, but if instead of being a real city it were just the simulation of a real city on some sort of sitcom like Full House or that other show the Olsen twins were in. +12

Anyways so I ordered the miso soup and the fiery roll when I went, because I love miso soup and the fiery roll had cilantro in it, but do you want to hear some of the names they have for their sushi rolls? They have the lickitty split roll, which I don't know that I've ever seen written down before and I think I would have spelt with more e's if it were up to me, maybe licketty split? They had the Godzilla roll which I think we can all agree is just racist, a surf and turf roll, and this was my personal favorite, the cheeseburger roll. Doesn't that just sound gross? I mean I don't know that you have in mind when you go to sushi restaurants, but the thought of beef in conjunction with raw fish just really grosses me out. They had another roll that had beef in it as well and I'm pretty sure it was fully cooked in both of them, I mean they cook the fish in sushi too right, isn't it just sashimi that's raw? I'm not going to pretend to be an expert I only went to culinary school for two semesters dual credit in high school, we didn't really get out of anything more basic than how many milliliters are in a pound of turkey. But my point is what the hell is a cheeseburger roll? I didn't ORDER it or even read the full description so I can't TELL you, but when I imagine it it's ground beef wrapped in lettuce instead of seaweed and instead of dipping it in soy sauce there's a little tray of melted down Velveeta cheese. Now that I think about it, that's a delicious idea! +7

Here's what I liked about the place. I mean it's a really classy joint, you can tell because they keep the lights down really dim so you can't see anything in front of you in case something unclassy does happen and some sort of riffraff like me comes in and the booths are really high, when you're sitting in one you can't see the back of the head of the person in front of you or the person they're sitting with either, in case it's somebody important like Anise Parker eating with her girlfriend or somebody even more scandalous. (Though just to let you know I could see the reflection of the people in the booth in front of me in the glass of the window next to our tables and you'll all be delighted to know that there was this really annoying guy who kept talking to the waiter about the owner of the restaurant in a really name droppy, I'm nowhere near as important as I want you to think I am kind of way was eating dinner with a girl who was attractive not in proportion to how attractive or interesting he was but instead in proportion to the size of the diamond on her finger) Anyway, so the point of all this is that it's a really classy joint but instead of having white tablecloths they have black ones! Right that's kind of fun right? So you can spill all the soy sauce that you want, you can drip sauce all the way down the table and all the way down your shirt and nobody will even know! Provided you're wearing a black shirt too! This is what I like in a restaurant, I like a restaurant where you can really be yourself, where you can really mess up and there's no way for anybody, especially the waiter, to make you feel like a jerk just because you haven't used chopsticks in seriously like three months and it's just awkward trying to pick up a piece of sushi anyway, I mean they're so wide who can do that? +32

I'm not kidding this place really does have a nice vibe. I went in around four and there weren't very many people in there at the time, and I was all by myself, and the waiter didn't make me feel rushed at all. He was so quiet and so helpful, he just kept coming around and refilling my water and he never asked me if I needed anything, he just made sure he came by enough that if I did need something I could ask for it, never interrupted me from the book I was reading, didn't make me feel pressured to get out of there to let someone else go in. I don't think that's arbitrary criticism but he's really the best waiter I've ever had +89

So everybody should go in to THE fish on Gray St (seriously, who spells grey with an a? I've always spelled it with an e, I typed it into Google maps with an e, I originally typed it into this blog with an e... I'm going to get the mayor on the phone guys now that I'm an important Houston blogger I'm sure I can get the ball rolling on the sort of paperwork we'll need to fill out to get it to be Grey Street from now on) and ask for the guy with glasses as your waiter and then email me about it at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Escalante's

Oh my gosh guys I can't believe I've never heard of this place Escalante's before. I mean everybody knows how much I love Tex Mex and other white remakes of cultural phenomena. But seriously this is the best Tex Mex place in the world! I didn't even TRY the fish tacos, and I know they're better than everybody's fish tacos! They're located at 4053 Westheimer! They have five locations total! When I was looking for my first job in Houston, Melissa and I both interviewed here for hostess and waitress jobs respectively and we didn't get a call back, so you know the service is great and they have high expectations!

I'm going to spend a whole paragraph with you discussing their recipes. I'm referring to it in this way because I'm tired of apologizing for talking about food. I like to spell apologize with a z because it makes me feel more European. I don't actually remember what I ordered but you'll never guess what came on my plate - bacon wrapped shrimp. Bacon wrapped shrimp, you say! How could anything get better than that? Well I'll tell you! Do you know what they brought for me to dip my bacon wrapped shrimp in? BUTTER! A saucer of butter to dip my bacon wrapped shrimp in! +92! We're a whole day later here and I'm still in awe of how wonderful the whole experience was. I mean really! And none of that even sounds like Mexican food, it's just freaking awesome. And the salsa! I hate to make my father, but Escalantes has the best salsa ever. I don't know what they put in it, like crack or something. We had a really excellent waiter, his name was Pierce, and I loved the salsa so much he brought out an extra for us. But I mean really! All I could do was keep dipping chips in and out and in and out over and over it was seriously like ten whole minutes before I could even take a break from stuffing my face to look at the menu -78 it was so awfully good just thinking about this place is making me hungry again and I am currently in the process of eating my dinner how does that even work. But yeah distractingly good I'd honestly bathe in it I have no shame.

You guys know how safe I feel in booths and they have regular booths at Escalante's but they also had something better. You know how in some restaurants if you have a really big party they have those C shaped booths which seat like 8 and every single person except the two on the end gets people to cuddle with, instead of having like four open uncuddled sides? What if you don't have 8 people in your party? You never get seated in that booth. But Escalante's solves this problem! They have U shaped booths so you can fit the same number of people as in a regular booth, but there are more cuddle angles! Melissa and I got to sit directly next to each other and it didn't even look weird! It was a complete Steve Jobs re-imagining I mean who knew that booths could get EVEN BETTER? Escalante's knew! +12

I like a restaurant where I can feel comfortable, but I'll admit I was a bit worried when I rolled up to Escalante's. For one thing it's out of the hipster part of Westheimer and into the part where the trees are wrapped with Christmas lights all year round. Now that I've articulated that I sincerely wonder that I ever considered this the ritzy part of the street. I'm just saying the only people I know who keep there trees wrapped in Christmas lights all year round are ashamed enough that they don't turn them on. -14 Anyway so they have valet parking and that's something that freaks me out. Speaking of job interviews the only time I ever valeted my car was at Hotel Zaza and I didn't realize they open your door for you and I was really freaked out when I was rifling through my purse and then suddenly there was this face looming in my window. I'm just a self parking kind of girl I guess. And I was really nervous because I was wearing a Pink's Pizza T-shirt because I can wear them ironically now instead of in a sad, I haven't changed clothes since getting off work three days ago kind of way and my pants had a hole in them from slipping at the Grand Canyon and I hadn't brushed my hair in about 21 years but everybody should know that it's not even an uptight joint! I mean why were we even worried they serve Tex Mex there after all but I like a classy joint where I can still be Catherine Martin +19.

Anyway the last thing we need to discuss is the wall hangings. So on one wall they have these pictures of Mayan women doing something or another and there are NAKED BUTTS on the wall! Utter nudity can you believe it?? I mean there were people under the age of 17 there and I know that I've never seen a naked butt before I actually had to have Melissa explain to me what it was before I could even get properly offended. -16 for sure guys come on! They also had other Mayan style art on the wall and it made me feel like I was inside The Emperor's New Groove so that was kind of nice and friendly +2 you'll notice I didn't give them enough points back to make up for the pornographic material they were serving to the minor population.

But my point is Escalante's is now my second favorite restaurant after Fuddrucker's so everybody should check it out! I'll warn you now that they're more expensive than you're thinking but before you leave in a huff, remember: sometimes people charge a lot because their food is ACTUALLY WORTH IT. Anyway be sure to go and don't look at the pictures and then email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Dragon Bowl

I know it's been a while since my last post, sorry my dozen of fans, I was busy leading a productive and responsible life. Today however I'd like to embark with you on the second stage of the Pink's Pizza World Tour, at 1221 W 11th Street in Dragon Bowl Asian Bistro. Can we just start by saying how much I like that the address is 1221? Something you didn't know about me is that my second favorite number is 121, since it's the first three digits of my date of birth when put in MM/DD/YYYY form and also it's eleven times eleven and I've always had a special place in my heart for perfect squares. Just a fun fact about me that gives Dragon Bowl a +1221 before we even walk through the door. (If the score is +1221 does that make it a less arbitrary scoring system? I'm afraid it does... -27 to me)

I know we've been talking about fish a lot lately (and I'd like to update everyone to let you know that Melvin hasn't been sick in at least three or four weeks which is a record for me) but it's impossible to discuss Dragon Bowl without talking about their enormous aquarium. I mean the aquarium itself isn't that enormous but the fish inside it are. I mean geez what do they feed their goldfish, whole cows? I'm just saying those things maybe need to be put on a diet they're the size of small dogs for sure. Anyway but the fish themselves aren't the concern of my comment; do you guys know what they serve at Dragon Bowl? I mean Asian things obviously but they sell sushi there! Don't you think that's really mean? Having live fish in an establishment that sells dead fish? Those poor guys must be so nervous! Every time somebody takes a bite of yellow tail or the Dragon Roll which I hear is delicious, they must cringe on the inside! That could be their uncle! Or their sister! I mean I hope there isn't any gold fish in the sushi they serve there but I don't know! I'm not Asian! I don't know what "Tuna" or "Tempura fried soft shell crab" mean! That's a foreign language! I took Spanish in high school! I shouldn't be expected to translate intense menus just to decide if there's an animal rights violation taking place! -5!

Don't worry though it's not that bad. Like most places I like, Dragon Bowl caters mostly to white people. I mean on the inside they have pictures of dragons obviously, I'd be offended if they didn't, but they also have these really cool paintings of women and things that are done in kind of a comic book style, like they're panels in a comic book, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Anyway but like I said that's not really that Asian and I like that, because their food really isn't that Asian either, based on my limited knowledge of the Bellaire area. But anyway I mean it's not bad food that wasn't a slight. BUT ANYWAY so they have a lucky kitty inside on top of their beverage cooler, facing the door, and I think it was the perfect touch! Because even if they're obviously catering to my crowd it's still an Asian Bistro, and I've never been inside any Asian bistro I liked that didn't have one! I don't know this significance of the lucky cat and I'm too lazy to look it up, but when I was in Las Vegas this winter break (did I tell you I won thirty dollars?) I went inside this pho place and they had two lucky kitties of different sizes and they were both waving their paws but they were waving them in sync! Isn't that so neat? I mean they were obviously two different lucky kitties probably from two different lucky kitty outlet malls, but they were perfectly together! It was so nifty! +12

And the last thing I have to congratulate Dragon Bowl on (can I just say that most of the time I see congratulations written down someone's trying to make a pun, like, congradulations on your graduation, and I always want to type congradulations even though I know it's wrong I just can't help it it's been written into my MIND) is that they have real live flowers on every table! Isn't that so sweet? I mean you usually only see that in really classy joints like around Valentine's Day like we are or whatever but I think it's a really nice touch. I mean Dragon Bowl isn't any kind of white table cloth joint, you can go just after work when you're feeling all grumpy and used and really sorry for yourself just in jeans and a T-shirt by yourself if you want and nobody will look at you weird. (At least I don't think they looked at me weird, everybody was really nice.) I mean don't get me wrong they weren't huge bouquets, they were just little small pink flowers in shot glasses but I'm a woman and I thought it was nice, OK? Geez get off my back. +4

But yeah anyway that's my review of Dragon Bowl. I obviously mostly just like it because once when I was in seventh grade I read a Dragon Ball Z fan fiction (I've never even watched the show I was under the impression from the fan fiction that they were all green and I deluded under it for like two years) but that's beside the point, if you want to check it out you should and then email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Lola's

In case anybody was wondering, I worked my last shift at Pink's Pizza on Sunday. Now that I no longer work for the company, I'm free to review all the restaurants under the brand without fear of journalistic conflict! My one and a half years on the job will have no impact on these words! A little background on Lola's, the subject of today's rant - I mean, arbitrary criticism - located at 1102 Yale, it was placed in an old Eckerd's building. I don't know how you guys feel about Eckerd's, but it was always my drug store of choice and when they were originally bought out, I refused to shop at CVS for years. Who does CVS think they are, buying out my drug store and then changing nothing but the sign and color scheme? It's unconscionable! I had memories there! I bought pencils there once! Since moving to Houston I've started using CVS just because it's closer than Walgreen's and they have a larger boxed wine selection, which just goes to show you that my values can be bought out for convenience. Anyways, it only makes me feel safer in Lola's that it used to be my drug store of choice, and that if nothing else should drive you through the doors. +9

So right off the bat when you walk into Lola's you know it's a good place to be, because their "order here" sign is shaped and designed like the Las Vegas sign. I know you guys know what kind of style I'm talking about. This is good, because if there's one thing I love more than Eckerd's it's Las Vegas. I don't know if you know this, but I actually went to Las Vegas this winter break and won thirty dollars. Did I tell you I won thirty dollars? Yeah, I'm a pretty big blackjack shark but it's no big deal. If you want I'll give you tips sometime. Gambling is pretty cool in Vegas, but I think we all know what people go there for: North America's only predator based aquarium, located inside Mandalay Bay casino. Yeah. Melvin's brother used to work there a couple years back, but there's some bad blood between the two of them now and they haven't talked in a while. Anyway so Lola's has this sign and it's pretty cool, reminds me a lot of this Christmas break's successes. Did I tell you guys I won thirty dollars? +30

I know I never talk about food no matter how much I'm tempted, but I'm gonna go ahead and talk straight to you guys. There's two things you should know before you go to Lola's. One's pretty easy: they serve Capri Suns there as one of their beverage choices. They've got grape Capri Suns there, and I know I hooked a lot of you there. +7 Another thing is they serve this sandwich there called Day After Thanksgiving, which I think has turkey or domestic disagreement or something on it, I'm not really sure. I'm equally unsure but I think it's my friend Mehran's favorite thing on the menu. Doesn't this whole thing make you pretty suspicious? For one thing, I don't know, Mehran doesn't sound very American to me. Sounds to me like a bunch of foreigners are stealing our American traditions. The only thing more American than Thanksgiving is the Day After Thanksgiving, followed of course by the Super Bowl, and then the Fourth of July. But am I mistaken here in that nobody likes the day after Thanksgiving? So here's how it works, right: you eat a lot of food on Thanksgiving, you take a nap, you eat some more, repeat process until your stomach bursts. The next morning, high on tryptophan, everyone wakes up really early and gets into fights at Walmart over the last dual DVD/toaster combo. Then we straggle on home, having gotten mugged by a pregnant woman in the parking lot, hungry from the bloodsport. Oh, no! we shout. Did nobody go to the grocery store? All we've got left in the fridge is leftovers from yesterday, not to mention half a container of Cool Whip from the pumpkin pie! We don't want any of this crap! But it's all we have! We have to eat it! So I ask you, my darling readership. Why would you make that horrified, disappointed feeling a part of your menu? There's nothing worse than still having turkey left the day after Thanksgiving! That's not to be celebrated! -19 And while I'm complaining about things, their coffee flavor is Bayou Blend! That sounds nasty! The bayou is nasty! It's filled with homeless people and dead catfish! I don't want to drink that! (I did. I mean I drank the coffee. It didn't take like homeless person it just tasted like coffee.) -2

A few other things to mention about Lola's. The manager is named Riley and she's really pretty, +9. They have an outdoor patio, and while I was just complaining about outdoor patios in my last blog post, I like the one at Lola's, simply because I've only gone there on cool days or hot dry days, rather than Houston's typical hot wet day. +6 And the last thing I want to congratulate Lola's on is that the O in Lola's is I assume a peach with a bite in it; arguments could be made that it's an orange but at a restaurant known for their breakfast foods, I highly doubt anybody would put an orange in the sign. (That was sarcasm.) +12 Also one time I had a job interview at Lola's and then I had a job for one and a half years that I really liked. +200

Anyways that's Lola's for you! I really like it and they open at 7 most mornings so you can go there for breakfast even if you want! Check it out and then email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!