Rainforest Cafe

Gosh guys, you know what’s a great restaurant? Rainforest Cafe. I went there for my twentieth birthday with my grandparents and was very surprised to see that they didn’t have their Zagat rating displayed anywhere, but perhaps they were just being modest.

At any rate, if you guys haven’t been to one of these classy taverns, you need to get your bottom into high gear. All around the restaurant, they have these animatronic animals, and they’re always moving, and then every thirty minutes or so they go really wild, shaking their arms, making their animal noises, eating raw wildebeests. +12 I’m not sure if all Rainforest Cafes are the same, I’ve only ever been to one of them, but the one I went to there was a mother tiger and two baby cub tigers. That’s three tigers, for those of you who never learned simple arithmetic! Three tigers, all living in one tiny restaurant!

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not an idiot guys. I know they aren’t real tigers. Obviously nobody in the world is tough enough to capture a momma tiger and her two babies. Maybe a momma tiger, probably a baby tiger, but not the matched set. It just wouldn’t happen. Tigers are too fearless and awesome to let that sort of thing happen, it’s just a fact. Either way, to have three tigers real or fake I think is a testament to Rainforest Cafe’s understanding of how awesome this species is. No other species was displayed in such force. Well I mean there were lots of fish on the walls in the bathroom but excepting Melvin the beta fish I think we can all agree that fish aren’t that awesome. All they do is blow bubbles out of their mouths and poop out chunks of things! They’re the most popular girl in high school of the animal world – fun to look at, but after graduation, you really aren’t interested in taking her home with you. I’ll go to the aquarium, you know, I’ll look at fishes until my eyes bleed, but not when there are three tigers in just the other room to look at, do you get my drift? All I’m saying is there’s a hierarchy of awesomeness and tigers are at the top, and fish are underneath at least polar bears and platypuses and whales. At least. And I appreciate Rainforest Cafe’s understanding of that. +9

The other thing is, this is just a rumor I heard, but word on the street is that they have a dessert at Rainforest Cafe that has sparklers in it! A cake with sparklers in it! How has this been allowed to happen in this nation, guys? Those sparklers could be so dangerous! Didn’t you ever see Smokey the Bear, guys? In his television and magazine ad campaigns? Only you can prevent forest fires! That you is the plural kind, Rainforest Cafe! It refers to you as well! And here you are, lighting SPARKLERS in a RAINFOREST! -18 I guess you were a little confused because it said rainforest instead of just forest, but a rainforest is a forest! It is! That means it’s at risk for forest fires! Don’t you ever watch the weather channel? Even strong rains are often not enough to put out these fires! They often need to just finish burning everything in their path until they’ve run out of things to burn, and then they allow themselves to go out on their own! Everything in their path is a lot, guys, especially in a rainforest. There are so many endangered species that call those areas home, and we need to protect them! Think of all the science in those trees! I was never very good at science so I can’t paint a very good picture for you, you’re gonna have to do it yourself! This is a public service announcement, guys! When you go to Rainforest Cafe, don’t order the cake with the sparklers in it, it’s dangerous and it ruins lives!

Whew. I was getting pretty stressed out there, I think I need a Valium. But I’ll push on for the good of America. In the front of their store, they have an entire gift shop! You guys know how much I love merchandising in stores. I think it’s because my own feeble attempts at merchandising my famous food blog arbitrarycriticism.com have met a wall. But also, if I can be honest with you guys, it’s because I’ve always been afraid that I’m a bit of a hoarder. Not like the kind on TLC. Well actually yes, like the ones on TLC, but in Extreme Couponing, not on Extreme Hoarders. The thing is, it makes me feel really safe to have a lot of things. That way when I run out of something, there’s a backup waiting in a closet or a drawer. I’m really inspired by those guys on Extreme Couponing, with their bunkers. This one guy had like a thousand things of toothpaste! I’m not that bad guys, by contrast, I have four things of toothpaste. Six bars of soap. Eighteen packages of AA batteries. Two backup containers of bubble bath. This is just in my bathroom, guys. I’m just saying I don’t think I have a problem YET, but if I ever go throw a major shock in my life, like getting held at gunpoint or something, it could turn into one. So this isn’t a plea for help, not yet, but it could be one. My point is, these people who merchandise, it gives me the same sense of safety to see lots of things in a restaurant as it does to see lots of things in my medicine cabinet. That’s how much I love restaurants, they make me feel like I’m in my own home. And for them to have fifteen of the same T-shirt lined up there, well that just makes me feel safe! They’re never going to run out of that T-shirt! Fifteen people can buy it before they run out! +19

You know I don’t have fifteen of the same anything. All I’m saying is that if anybody has a problem it’s Rainforest Cafe, so maybe you should be running down their tail!

Maggie Rita's

I'm sure some of you are familiar with Maggie Rita's, the Tex-Mex restaurant started here in Houston by not very funny Latino comedian Carlos Mencia. We've all heard the comparison, for example, between his food and his jokes. The way you notice, once you order, that "queasy" and "queso" have only a two letter difference. (That's the kind of thing Carlos Mencia thinks is really funny). Anyways they're going out of business like hot cakes, and I figured if I was going to hop on the bandwagon and complain about Maggie Rita's too I'd better get on it before they were all gone.

Here's the thing guys: I didn't have any real kind of problem with Maggie Rita's. It was just like all other Tex-Mex restaurant but more expensive. I'm twenty-two. I'm from Waco. I wouldn't appreciate authentic food if it came up and bit me on the nose (I mean that's kind of a silly thing to say, I wouldn't appreciate anything that bit my nose, that's just mean). I went to the one on San Felipe and instantly diagnosed why they were going out of business - it was a massive restaurant with enough ceiling room for a person four times my size, but only like ten parking spots! How can you fill a restaurant if nobody can park! I'm just saying guys this is Houston it's not like people are going to walk or ride these bikes to this kind of joint. If there's three people going to the restaurant together and two of them live in the same neighborhood, they're going to take three cars. They need three separate parking spots. At Maggie Rita's, that's like, the entire lot they've already filled. And then there's a Dessert Gallery next door. I'm sure that place gets backed to the gills every night, so that further displaces patrons. I'm just saying they got what they deserved. -12

Here's my other complaint. So I ordered the tortilla soup because it cost less than $20, and then they brought it to me and it was a bowl of chicken and tomatoes and broth and then there was a separate plate with my tortilla strips and cheese and avocados. I'm just saying, most of the reason I go to restaurants is so other people will make my dinner for me. I don't want to show up and put my own ingredients inside my soup, that's what I'm paying somebody else to do. -10

Like I said those were my only two real complaints. I even liked the soup, I thought it tasted good. There was this really pretty painting of the Mona Lisa, it was just her face and it was all done in blues and greens. +20 Maybe when this location goes out of business I'll buy that painting for real cheap on the side of the road. Do restaurants have garage sales? Like in their front yard, in their garage? Like do they post signs? It's not too far from my apartment I wonder if I'll see the signs posted at the corner of my block. I just really liked that painting, you know? The thing is I don't know where I'd put it in my apartment, I have several blank walls in my apartment, but it's kind of a long painting, you know, real tall, the only thing is on those blank spots, like I have a book shelf underneath, or my desk or my dresser or something. It's just not enough space all at once. I'd have to completely rearrange all my furniture and the only problem with that is I'm a bit of a slob, so to rearrange all my furniture I'd have to completely clean my room and there's a pizza box underneath my bed that's been there for a while that I'd have to throw away... it just kind of seems like a hassle. Maybe I could put it in the kitchen... but then it would get, like, oil and stuff on it when I cook, I feel like that stuff gets in the air, you know, and it would ruin the painting... you know what, forget it, I'll figure it out.

I also like that when they bring you chips and salsa, it's not just tortilla chips, it's also plantain chips. Oh my gosh it's so good, dipping plantains in salsa, because they're kind of sweet and I like to put a lot of salt in my salsa, so these are my three favorite flavors: sweet, salty, and spicy spicy spicy! +54 I just think it's really clever, nobody's ever done this for me before. Maggie Rita's is real sweet.

Like I said I actually really liked Maggie Rita's. Look I'm never going to go back there again, don't get me wrong, but I'm just the unsophisticated audience they're looking to prey upon. If anyone wants to go there with me email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Witchcraft

For those of you who aren't as hip on the restaurant scene as I am, Witchcraft is the new restaurant that just opened in the Heights, replacing the Dragon Bowl. I'm pretty cutting edge I know. I thought about name dropping the fact that I personally know Ken Bridges, but considering that I only know him from working at Pink's Pizza for a year and a half and not in any cool, food writer kind of way, I think I'll stay away from that. I liked the restaurant alright, but I noticed a few questions that I'd like to raise with you, my viewing audience.

Here's what really got to me: why is it called Witchcraft? Look my boyfriend told me that it was a craft beer and sandwich place, which would make sense, especially if they'd spelled it "Wichcraft" (which they didn't.) Anyway so we got there and they sell craft beer alright, which is cool except I don't like beer at all, but there were no sandwiches on the menu at all! There were burgers and things, but it wasn't called Burgercraft! I also would have accepted this if they'd played nothing but the theme song to the TV show Bewitched and then maybe the soundtrack to the Will Ferrell movie based off of it. But they didn't. The only thing I could come up with is that it was kind of dimly lit in there and they had some heavy, deep green curtains, which seemed kind of witch-y in that if they fell on top of you they looked like they'd suffocate you. Plus our server had long hair, and everyone knows that witches have long hair. Look it's just the Dragon Bowl had such a cool name and this one sucks. -12 Sorry to use such strong language, that does seem kind of mean to say.


Here's the other thing. What's this small plate stuff I'm seeing everywhere. It seems to me that it's just an excuse to pay more money to eat less food, with the only benefit that smaller things, historically, have looked cuter. While I will agree that this works with things like kittens and puppies, I saw a behind the scenes look at foot binding and I'm against it. Here's a list I've compiled for you of things I prefer in a larger size:
1. Diamonds
2. Bottles of tequila
3. Feather pillows
4. Minivans (kind of counter-intuitive, I know, since it has the word "mini" in it, but trust me go big or go home on minivans)
5. Plates of food
I just don't even understand where the desire for this sort of thing comes in. I mean this is Texas, right? Bigger is better? Isn't that a thing people say here? So I'm not really into small plates. I'm into plates as heaped with food as they possibly can be. -9

My final critique is more constructive than anything else. I mean I think we can work through this, with enough cans of Febreeze. Personally I like the Thai Dragonflower flavor, that comes in a pink bottle; alternatively you can try the orange candles they sell at IKEA, they smell pretty awesome too. The only problem is that they lined the walls with these I assume cedar planks, I don't really know guys, I'm not a lumberjack, I can't just tell you what kind of wood things are. Anyway the restaurant to me smelled kind of like the inside of a gerbil's cage. Not like, after you've been on vacation for a week or so and he's been living on his own, but like when you first get a gerbil and everything's new and smells like gerbil chips. That's what it smelled like to me. It wouldn't be a big deal except my roommate has a guinea pig and I happen to be very frightened of that whole area of rodentry. Actually most areas of rodentry, though I will admit that mice are one of the things that are cuter the smaller they are. Anyway I'm not even going to assign a number to this gerbil smell just because I'm sure it will go away.

The burgers were very good there, I just recommend that you don't go expecting any kind of witch-y theme because you will be disappointed. Also I didn't actually try the small plates, I just complained about them. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Panda Express

Oooooooh guys have you ever eaten at Panda Express? It’s so great they have the best orange chicken in the world. Plus did you know they have a location in the Pentagon? Isn’t that really cool? I never really think about the Pentagon, which means that when it does cross my mind I always assume they do top secret cool things and only eat top secret cool things.

Here’s the thing. When I was a little kid, I went with my parents to Washington D.C. for Spring Break. The most notable point of the trip, I think, was that six year old Catherine went to her father and asked if she should pack a jacket, since it was February and we were going to be camping. “Nah,” my father said. “You don’t need one.” It’s not that my father left me cold and shivering for an entire week that stings of betrayal – it was the fact that he packed a coat for himself. His defense is that I should have packed one myself, I was six years old, I had autonomy, but to you I pose the question: was this negligence, or willful endangerment? Only a more thorough investigation of the insurance policy my father had on me at the time will tell for sure. You’re not off the hook either Mom, you could have stepped in and saved all of us. But my point is, obviously the most important thing to do when you go to Washington D.C. is see the panda’s inside the Washington Zoo. When we went, the pandas had just had a pair of panda cubs, long awaited by the political community, I’m sure. I agreed to go on that vacay with my parents, I probably caught pneumonia though it was a long time ago and I don’t really remember, I let them drag me to the White House and the Congress Building and all those lame, historically important, non-fuzzy animal things there are to do in Washington. Finally, on our penultimate day of the trip, they allow me the panda bears, my one demand from this trip that took me away from all of my very important first grade duties and responsibilities. But tragedy had struck! It was raining the day we went, and the pandas had refused to come out into the muckiness, the divas that they are. I didn’t care. It’s not like it was the only thing I had dreamed about since that cute, adorable little panda cub had been born. Since those cute, adorable pandas had been imported as a peace offering from China. Who cares???

But on our last day, as we were driving out of the city, my parents said, sure Catherine, quit your whining, we’ll go back to the zoo. Just for a second. Just to see if those bloody divas managed to get themselves out of bed this morning. At the zoo entrance, my dad casually let slip that we’d been rained out the day before, had missed the only reason we’d made this exhausting, cross country trip. And you know something? The guy at the gate just let us in! He didn’t charge us anything! He said, “Oh, you darling American patriots, I’m sorry that your hopes and dreams were shattered. I won’t ruin your illusions, not with your young child prodigy of an offspring at such  a delicate, impressionable age. I’ll provide you with all the fun and frolic that you could possibly imagine.” And sure enough, there were the pandas, holding hands, allowing pictures of them to be taken in their bathing suits for the cover of People magazine, the first photos of their children being sold for the centerfold article, proceeds donated to WWF. (That’s World Wildlife Foundation, you rubes, not World Wrestling Federation. C’mon guys.) Now, panda bears and I are even more in love than ever before. I hardly ever call them divas when I tell that story now. They even managed to come for my high school graduation, but there weren’t any seats big enough for their massive furry behinds and the principal didn’t understand that despite being called panda “bears” they were actually vegetarian, and they didn’t get to stay for the ceremony. +1768 It was nice of them to come out, just the same.

The only thing is, the charity work closely related to this story Panda Express does is with “communities”, with “underprivileged children”. Are you kidding me? None of those words sound like “panda”! I don’t think they give any money to animals at all! One time I donated at least three dollars to the World Wildlife Fund, and do you know what they gave me in exchange? Coffee mugs with PANDAS on them! Pandas are already the symbol of a charity movement, and it’s one that benefits PANDAS, not intercity children and victims of abusive homes! How dare you invite me into your restaurant under false pretenses, seduce me with your delicious, mouth-watering orange chicken, and then rip away all of my happiness by doing nothing for the species that I love? You better be careful, there are twelve pandas currently living in the United States. All it takes is one call, and a panda will come into your restaurant and then do you know what’s going to happen? It’s going to eats, shoots and leaves! Take that, Panda Express! What has your deceit bought you now? It’s probably too early after the Batman massacre to make a joke about a shooting rampage, so draw your own PC conclusions! -90

Look, Panda Express. We can come to an understanding. All you have to do to buy my support is provide me with a personal, live panda every time I come in to one of your restaurants, for my own personal use for the duration of my meal. All I want is a large, oversized mammal to hug and kiss while I consume my “gourmet Chinese food”, as you so eloquently call it. Before you agree, however, National Geographic does warn that Giant Pandas actually spend a full twelve hours a day eating bamboo, and that’s a lot of fiber, if you know what I mean. I’m not sharing a bathroom with those monsters.

Resie's Chicken and Waffles

Ok so here's the dish on Resie's. There's this app you can get if you're pretentious and have an iPhone or if you're not you can just do it on your computer. Its called Order Ahead and what happens is you put in your credit card once, and then from then on its saved, you can just lose your card for forever. I love stuff like this its why i spend so much money on Amazon as soon as I find something I like, I just order it, no need to crawl across my bed searching for my wallet and then its not there so you have to look under and then its not in your room at all and by the time you find your purse you realize that you don't need a set of shirts which will make you look camouflaged with most urban environments. You live in the suburbs now, and despite your best efforts, you've yet to be drafted by the CIA (wink - that's what a CIA operative would say too, huh?).

Where was I? Oh yeah! So I love this app +7 the only problem is there's like, five restaurants on it so do yourselves a favor, people who own restaurants who read my blog, press this button:

Then I will start ordering food from the comfort of my bedroom and we all know that people who don't think about their purchases before they make them spend more money. It's a sound business investment, guys, just do it.

Here's the dish on Resie's, guys: I love it. Let's talk for a moment about what I actually ordered: the Waffle Cristo. It's a Monte Cristo sandwich (a deep fried ham and cheese sandwich, for you sad folks who have never experienced it's wonder) but in this particular case, instead of being made with bread, it's sandwiched together by waffles. Deep fried waffles encasing cheese and meat.Truly, there is no greater invention since the history of man kind. +12 Oh man but guys can I just give you a little warning, or something? Look we ordered all these sides and things, we were going to really experience Resie's, but by the time we made it to our actual food, there was no way we were every going to be able to snarf it all down. There's two to an order, guys, and they're each the size of a small island. Pro tip, from someone who's still on an all vegetable diet in reaction to this: don't get any appetizers, and don't eat for a week before you order the Waffle Cristo. It's the only way you'll be able to get through all this.

At Resie's, they have onesie bathrooms. Let me just share my life with you up until my trip to the bathroom: so I used to work at this hotel and most of our job was to show up at work every day looking hot. Every. Day. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of natural beauty, but EVERY DAY? Most days I like to roll out of bed, put my hair in a pony tail, throw on some sweats, and hope that nobody looks at me. My legs are what you could call pale (and typically unshaven) so when I'd work at this hotel, after spending six hours fixing my hair and makeup, I'd roll on these black tights to cover up this little discrepancy. The only thing is when I'd gone to Target to buy my tights, I'd accidentally bought something that apparently said "Super control top! Wear these and lose fifteen pounds from your appearance and never breath again!" They go all the way up to my bosom and are topped by this plastic ring that's about half the size I am that digs into your flesh at every moment, reminding you that if you were skinnier (or had just read the label on the tights you were buying, instead of freaking out because you had to be at your shift in five hours and that left very little time for your intensive beauty regimen) you could breath. That's not something I like to think about ever, let alone for an entire shift. I'd have gone back to the store and got new ones, but let's face it, I'm real lazy, or else I would have just gone into Resie's myself, ordered, and waited for it to be ready like a normal person. So on this particular day it was kind of cold outside but I also wanted to wear a dress, so I tried on all of my tights and this particular pair - my only black pair - matched better than the rest so I pulled them on. I hadn't worn them in months. "This isn't too bad," I gasped to myself, my face slowly turning blue as the oxygen left it. "I'm sure they'll only get better as the day goes on."

Spoiler alert: they didn't. All through class all I could focus on was that plastic band cutting into my flesh. Five days later you can still see the mark in my skin. Resie's Chicken and Waffles is halfway to the Woodlands, and I set out around five thirty, when I got out of class, which meant of course that in rush hour traffic it took three hours to drive twenty miles. My bladder, having had the all the pressure of these tights pressing up against it for hours, was about to pop. Not even bothering to say hello to the nice people of Resie's, I exploded from my car, the force of my need propelling me from the parking lot to the bathroom in four easy steps. I barely had time to lock the door. Just like a woman who's kids are trapped in a car, I suddenly had superhuman strength, sliding those damn tights off. I'll spare you the details from here.

After my victory, however, I was faced with the problem of getting my tights back on. This is no easy feat, it takes about thirty minutes to get this torture device up over the hips and up to my neck. I was struggling this when there was a jiggle at the doorknob. I paused, barely up to my knees. There was a jiggle again. "I'm still in here," I whispered to the girl on the other side (a whisper was all I could manage with my depleted oxygen. "I'll be out in a moment." An hour later I stumbled out the door, another girl on the other side. "Sorry," I said to her. "I was struggling to get my tights back on." "Mmhmm girl," she said, nodding in agreement. "I hear that." +32 Resie's gets me they do. -108 to anyone who was thinking throughout this story that I should have just taken the tights off, it would have been better to be cold than dead, I hate you, whoever you are.

I think that's all I have to say. If you have any tips for getting tights on, please feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Lupe Tortilla

Lupe Tortilla is so mediocre and average that I almost didn't blog about it. Actually the only reason I am blogging about it is that I've been busy being a young urban socialite, drinking martinis, watching Wreck It Ralph, and washing my hair more than four times a week, so I haven't had enough time to go eat in restaurants. Your choices were to read this review of Lupe Tortilla or a still unwritten review of the food truck Bare Bowls, which I decided not to go with because I hated it and even I can't bear to be that mean about people.

I will give this to Lupe Tortilla: this is the first time I have ever been introduced to a pitcher of margaritas. Have you had one of these? In my mind, pitchers are for two things: draft beer, or Kool-Aid. Margaritas you order individually so you have to face the shame of flagging down the waiter, you finger shyly raised, to beg him to bring you another, you promise someone else is driving. At Lupe Tortilla they don't mess around. They'll give you as many margaritas as you want, at one time. And for the first time in my 21 year old life, I wasn't carded, leading me to believe that I finally, after all these months, look my age. +8

The topic of margaritas leads me to share some information with you about ladies that I just learned through some of the alcohol education classes I'm taking at college (I know, I know, you all wish you'd taken my major, it's something I hear a lot but come on guys we do real work too next week I'm going to have to do the difficult task of touring St. Arnold's brewery it's tough stuff guys tough stuff). The thing is as you know how much alcohol a person can consume before they feel looped depends on things like body weight or how much food you have in your stomach (I always get confused and think this means how many chips and salsa you consume WHILE drinking which turns out is not the case just overkill on my part). Did you know that a woman's alcohol tolerance is also based on her hormones and can vary from one part of the month to the next? I'm not even talking like three weeks she has one kind and then the fourth a different; I mean every single day, a woman has a different set of hormones and every single day they affect her alcohol tolerance differently. This affects my tolerance for a lot of different things too actually, like red lights, pigeons, people burping in my car, etc.

My only point about this whole thing is that it's like a superpower. Not the days, obviously, where you sniff a shot of tequila and you pass out drunk, but the days when you champ through half a pitcher of margaritas and then stand up triumphant, unafraid of tripping over any imaginary objects, perfectly steady in your ability to hug your drinking partner goodbye. We are woman. We are champion!

I really have nothing else to say about Lupe Tortilla except this: have you ever tried to park over there? I remember when all the restaurants off of 59 and Kirby were friends with each other. They hung out on the weekends, they shared customers, they bought each other drinks at bars. Now? They all have signs in their parking lot: this lot is for Taco Cabana/Cafe Japon/Lupe Tortilla/Haven customers only. Twin Peak customers will be towed! Can you believe it? They're all ganging up on the new kid! This happened to me in third grade when I didn't have any friends for four years because I moved to a new school and I was so much hotter than everyone else and they were all jealous about how good the gravy on my chicken fried steak was. -8 Let's just all play nice with each other guys, even if it is stupid that they have valet parking I mean come on who do they think they are.

That's all I got, if anyone has recommendations for a non-mediocre Mexican restaurant feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Elevation Burger

My eating at Elevation Burger this Tuesday was mostly in an effort to remain young and fresh. They just opened their first location in Houston a couple weeks ago and all the other internet food blogs (it occurs to me now that "internet food blog" is a bit redundant because blog is short for weblog and therefore automatically resides on the internet, sorry everyone that I have disappointed here today) are already talking about it and I feel like I'm behind the jump! I'm 21 years old! I should BE the jump! It's just disgusting and disappointing to me and I'm sorry.

Here's the first thing you need to know about Elevation Burger. The guy who was taking my order took his job way too seriously. I don't know if you guys have ever been a part of a restaurant opening, but I started working at Pink's Pizza on Bissonnet within like three days of it opening. It's real easy to take your job seriously within the first three days that it opens. Nobody's ever heard of you before, but instead of you being the weird-still-in-her-awkward-years girl on her first day at Catholic school, you're the super-hot-doesn't-even-know-how-to-spell-pimple girl on her first day at an inner-city public school where they never saw a natural blonde before. Everyone wants your food, everyone wants to be nice to you, whatever you give to anybody is the greatest thing in the world. They haven't gotten used to you yet. They aren't taking you for granted. Then slowly everyone gets used to your usual level of service, they start looking for the corners to cut, they want discounts on things, they start being rude, and you realize that this isn't the greatest company in the world to work for, it's just a company, and no matter how much you like working there and how much you like your coworkers, you're going to quit in a year and a half anyway. This guy hadn't been beaten down yet. People were still being nice to him. He might have been the manager, pre having to fire his favorite worker, of course. Anyway, not only did he answer all of our questions, he told us which questions to ask, and then when we were ordering, he tried to upsell us twice! Are you kidding me? When's the last time anybody who didn't work in a movie theater tried to upsell anything? (Actually once at Starbuck's somebody told me I could get like twenty ounces of coffee more for only a quarter or something and I went with it. The thing is I'm very susceptible to upselling because I rarely know what I want, and if someone tells me I'd rather have a coke than a cup of water, as long as they provide one or more reasons I'm going to believe him. That's why that guy was so effective.) Anyways what's my point? My point is that I liked it. He's a nice guy. +13

Here's the other thing. You know what's wrong with Elevation Burger? All they're ever doing is caring about the environment! They've got this grass-fed beef stuff going around, which I think is just mean in the first place because I would always ALWAYS always rather eat corn than grass. Have you ever eaten grass? I have I have an older brother so I ate my fair share of grass as a child. It's nasty. Sometimes there are bugs in it. I've never seen any bugs on the corn I've eaten, you can take that to the bank. Then they're all, "hey, if you guys have Celiac's disease, or whatever, or are like on some kind of weird diet, all of our buns are gluten free." They make all of their buns out of potatoes. All of them! What if I wanted to take a hamburger and eat it in front of some chump who can't eat gluten? You can't do it with an Elevation burger, that's for sure! They have a vegan burger on their menu! Are you kidding me? Vegans don't get to eat burgers. It's just not a thing. You give that up when you decide you would rather be sanctimonious than happy. -81 This is awful. This is too many choices. This is for too many people. Obviously this country did not elect Mitt Romney.

I think you should all go eat at Elevation Burger, just beware that the parking lot favors small, fuel efficient cars, and if you try parking there in your father's Four Runner and then the parking lot fills up with either people who want to eat halal meat or people who are nervous that they're unhip because it's been at least a full week and they still haven't eaten at Elevation Burger, you're going to need to do at least a 6 point turn to get out of your parking spot. (-2 sometimes people who drive Hummers are still good people guys come on)

Brick House

Breastaurant. Defined by Urban Dictionary as:

"A male-oriented restaurant where the servers' bodacious, natural cleavage is never on the menu--but always in voluminous supply. Daisy Dukes in various forms... function to round out the servers' assets.

Breastaurants are in a class by themselves. They are certainly above the mainstream in terms of atmosphere, but will never be considered fine dining by pretentious elitists who value "ambiance" (pronounced OM-bee-ahnse) over ample portions of, well... everything.

Breastaurant atmosphere is both fun and titillating. It gives new meaning to the phrase: "Let's head to the mountains!" Likewise, the food is a carnivore's delight."

I'll admit to you that I don't know what is better: that they used "titillating" in that final paragraph, or the actual act of pronouncing the word "breastaurant." +19 In either case, it's the joy I find in saying those 3 syllables (and the desire to type it) that lead me to the Brick House last Thursday night.

I'd like to start out by saying that if you, like me, are only familiar with breastaurants from classics such as Hooters and Twin Peaks, prepare to find yourself a little disappointed when you walk through the front door of  Brick House. Obviously there are deep vs in the shirts of all the waitresses (I think in this case it's acceptable to skip the politically correct term "servers"), but ladies and gents, the sad truth is that they were all wearing pants. That's right. I guess it's not called a buttaurant, that's true, but if I'm going to ogle I want to ogle. Plus let's face it, we've got boob guys and we've got butt guys. If you just appeal to the boob guys, you're cutting out at least half your potential audience. And what about leg guys? I'm just saying, this is a bad business decision. -12

The salt and pepper shakers on the tables of Brick House are way huge. They have, like, 300% the amount of salt and pepper that a normal salt and pepper shaker have. I'll admit to you now, I'm only mentioning this as a set up for this boob related joke: More than a handful's wasted. +231

But enough talk about boobies. I think I love Brick House. For one thing, they are fully committed to their gimmick. If there is anything I believe in, it is fully committing to my gimmicks. Brick House is a Man Restaurant. They have hot little girls for men to look at. They have big screen TVs for men to watch. They have dozens of beers for men to drink. And here’s my favorite part. They have couches that you can sit on and drink on and watch TV on! You can just sit on a couch, in a restaurant, and do all the things that you would do at home except OTHER PEOPLE are doing all the hard work! +29 As you know if I were in charge of the world I’d just hang out on my bed all the time and have other people do all the hard work. That’s what I want the next restaurant concept to be. They’ll just have these huge beds and topless guys will come round and bring you milk and cookies and they’ll have big screen TVs that you can watch Clueless and Saved all night long. And let me tell you those boys aren’t going to be going halfway, they’re going to be wearing shorts, you can bet on that. I’m going to call it PMS – Perfectly Marvelous Stuff.

OK well that’s everything you have to know about Brick House. Except the last thing is that on their drink menu, they don’t have a Bloody Mary, they have this disgusting sounding thing that is a Bloody Mary mixed with a beer. A beer. In a Bloody Mary. I think there are some serious questions that need to be raised about this and you can bet your rear end that we won’t be serving those at PMS – interested investors can contact me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Coco's Crepes

This is actually my fourth or fifth time going to Coco's Crepes because I really like it, guys. There's something about hanging out in that part of Gray Street, with all the apartments on top of restaurants and yuppies walking their dogs that makes me feel really competent and useful. I've been pretty stressed out about graduating in a semester and a half and not knowing what to do with myself and having to work in a restaurant for the rest of my life while I "find myself" and then having to move to Portland and always talking about how above the corporate life I am. I've watched three episodes of Portlandia, guys. I don't want that to happen to me. So, I went to Coco's Crepes to sit outside and look at all the people who have real jobs and deadlines and dogs who are relying on their support for survival and it really calmed me. One day I too will wear a pantsuit with matching heels. One day I too will have a desk.

There is one thing about Coco's that I don't appreciate, and I'm sure you guys who have been there can guess what it is. That's right. Their font. The thing is, crepes are serious business (except for this pun Melissa told me: Haunted French pastries give me the crepes. Heh heh heh +12 to Melissa). Their font is not serious! Their font does not capture the urban-ness, the ocean in the middle of the corporate grind! The font they use might as well be out in the suburbs, like in Sugarland or something, and then instead of selling serious, professional crepes, they'd serve muffins or something equally laughable. Losers eat muffins. (I just remembered that I ate a muffin for a midday snack today so I'm going to retroactively take that comment back.) Either way, muffins are not serious business at all and I wish they wouldn't project that image. -12

Here's the other bad thing, now that I think about it. I went to Coco's Crepes to act like I had meaningful, important things to do with my life. That's why people hang out in that part of town. To pretend like they matter. Or, you know, to actually matter. But either way, I wanted to work on my homework and eat crepes and wear heels. But without the heel part, actually, I just bought some shoes that look like moccasins but are actually slippers, they're all I've been wearing for weeks the slipper fur on the inside is all trampled down from continuous use. I don't care though, my feet feel great. Anyway, so I'd brought my computer so I could work on my serious, important person homework and my serious, important person writing projects. Like all serious, important people, I hadn't planned on coming to Coco's Crepes, I'd just impulsively decided that that was where I'd be the most productive. I don't know if that's how serious important people actually do things tbh. That stands for To Be Honest, just to let you serious, important people know. I didn't charge my computer! I assumed a place where serious important people hung out would have the tools to do their serious important work! But Coco's doesn't. I mean inside the restaurant they do, actually. You can plug you computer up for weeks inside. But I mean I didn't want to sit inside, I wanted to sit outside, so after I ate my crepe I just went home and did the work I was doing there anyway. -9 Less productively than I would have, I'm sure. I'm sure.

Look but have you guys had an Italian ice before? They have those things at Coco's Crepes. They are so good! It's like drinking a milk shakes, but they have all the flavors in the flavor universe. Watermelon? When's the last time you ever had a watermelon milk shake? Never, that's when! Unless you went to Jack-in-the-box they might have them there. Either way they're awesome, but they have half the milk products that a regular milk shake would have, which is really good because halfway through I always get real thirsty for water and then later I just think I'm a little lactose intolerant if you know what I mean. Plus it's carbonated! I'm just saying it's all the good things of a milk shake: tasty flavors, whipped cream on top, and none of the negatives: having to drink dairy products, not being to have watermelon flavors. +18323

That's everything I have to say about Coco's Crepes. If you want to offer me a job where I can wear pantsuits and own a dog when I graduate, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com. Otherwise, stay tuned for next week, because I just discovered the term "breastaurant" and am eager to use it in as many sentences as possible.

Katz's

Like most people in Houston I always drive by Katz's, read their sign that says "Katz's Never Kloses", and just laugh and laugh and laugh because AUSTIN, our lame-o cousin to the northwest, used to have a Katz's and it KLOSED. Man what a bunch of chumps, I bet they were rethinking their business slogan real hard as they shuttered their doors.

Look I really like Katz's, and it's not just because they serve breakfast food 24 hours a day. I mean I do like that they serve breakfast food 24 hours a day, but I'll be honest I've never had their breakfast food, I just stick to their New York Jew Food.* I don't know if you guys know this, but I have this speech defect where any time I try to do an accent, after about three or four words it just kind of turns into a really racist sounding Indian accent. British, Polish, Irish, Jamaican... all turns to Indian. There is, however, one exception: My New York accent is, at least in my mind, spot on. I think it's all in the attitude, really - whenever I practice my New York accent, I like to put myself in the mind of a New Yorkian. I'm grouchy because I don't have a rent controlled apartment, all the taxi drivers are trying to take me for a ride (that's supposed to be a pun, but I didn't really know how to spruce it up for you), and nothing is ever good enough for me. Also my favorite food is cheesecake. (Just kidding really how I do it is I pretend I'm Fran Dresher but I just woke up after eating an entire tobacco field that's soaked in whiskey.) So I feel this real closeness to people from New York, like I could be one of them. I love their Jewish Food. The thing is I found this exception - it's this schlock called matzo, have you had it? I had pnuemonia last week (I just like to throw this out so you guys will think I'm a survivor) and I thought hey, they best way to get over this would be some nice soup. Maybe I'll have some soup as one of the sides that comes with my New York Jew Meatloaf (everything there is kosher, they have beef bacon at Katz's, did you know that? I didn't get around to trying it this time but beef and bacon are my two favorite meats.) Anyways they had this matzo soup, I didn't know what that was so I asked Thomas and he said it was like cornmeal, but as a rule of thumb I like to second guess everything Thomas tells me even though he's usually right. Not always though, don't get a big head Thomas. So I asked the waitress, hey, what's matzo, is it like cornmeal? And she said no, it's made out of matzo. As this is the most useless response she could've given me, I assumed she said "mozzarella", because that would have been descriptive and informative instead of just restating my question as an answer. I could have figured out it was made of matzo, I can read, I made it out of elementary school without being held back even once. Mozzarella, though, that sounded good and I wanted it. I'll cut to the chase: do you know what matzo is? It's made out of cornmeal, or something equally disgusting, I'll give Thomas the point for that! It's like some kind of gross, soggy, unfried hush puppy, floating in chicken stock. It's awful. -76 If the waitress had just said that, I would have ordered the onion rings instead.

That's really the only bad thing about Katz's, though. Except for their Cheesecake Shake which I didn't try because I hate cheesecake and if I had it in a shake it would ruin shakes for me for the rest of my life. That's a risk I can't afford to make, I think you understand. Here's the best part: they give free elevator rides to anybody who wants one! +192 You can just get on their elevator and ride it up and down and up and down and they don't even care. You know how I know? Because they have a sign about it, right on their hostess stand! Free elevator rides, just ask, it says! This is the kind of participative dining that I like. It feels like it could be in Branson, Missouri, that's how fun and participative it is. Better than dinner and a show, it's dinner and a theme park ride. Except unlike an elevator in New York, this one never smells like a homeless person urinated in it! It's wonderful. It's a great restaurant.

Anyways I give Katz's a solid two thumbs up and recommend it to anybody who wants to ride an elevator. Just be careful what you order, contrary to popular belief not EVERYTHING on the menu is one hundred percent delicious. Any questions or comments, feel free to email at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

*Thomas says it's mean to call it New York Jew Food. I just want to clarify that I love the Jews and especially love their potato cakes; I'm not sure if this is the equivalent of me saying "it's OK, I have a gay roommate, I'm allowed to say those glasses make you look really queer" or not but I watched every episode of "State of Grace", focusing on inter-religious relationships and I. Read. The Torah.

Mission Burrito

I mistakenly went in to Mission Burrito last Thursday thinking that it was a chain restaurant and I thus wouldn't have to blog about it. I was tired, stressed, recovering from pnuemonia. I didn't want to have to do any work. I wanted to sit around, take an off week, eat food and think only of how things tasted. Unfortunately, guys, the only Mission Burritos in the entire world are here in Houston, and it is my job - nay, my DUTY (heh heh heh duty) - to report to you guys about it. It's a tough life, being an amateur blogger, but I do it for you guys. I do it all for you guys.

My trip to Mission Burrito started out pretty great, guys, I'll be honest. I'd only come in because it was Thursday and Thursday is my usual day for eating in restaurants, but there on the wall, a sign - Thursday nights are college night! Bring in your student ID and get a burrito - any burrito you want - and a drink for only seven dollars! I don't know if you guys know this about me, but I'M in college. AND I have a student ID! And I like things that only cost seven dollars for me, when they would usually cost more money for another person! +7 I went to Mission Burrito with my boyfriend and he never picked up his student ID because he thinks he doesn't need one ("I've never been asked to provide my student ID by anyone on campus, Catherine. Ever. I don't need one!") but I think that this is proof that I'm right! Everybody needs a student ID, whether they are in college or not. It's not just about Mission Burrito, either. Plenty of other places provide a student discount as well. For one thing, if you go to the River Oaks movie theater, a normal ticket will cost you $10 (and then the air conditioning isn't even on that cold, I mean come on guys, what do they think I'm paying for? A movie? No, I'm paying to sit in the dark in air conditioning for a couple hours because it's hot as Hades in Houston and it's already October, and all I'm saying is I'm moving somewhere cold first chance that I get.) If you have a student ID? That same ticket is only $7! That's three dollars in savings! That's a lot of money, that's how much my favorite scratch off costs. It's called bonus word and what happens is it looks like it's a crossword puzzle, but all the words are already filled in and then you scratch off letters and if the letters you have in the scratch off panel match the letters in the crossword well enough to form three or more of the printed words, you win three dollars, up to $35000! I'll admit at first I thought it was silly of people to do a scratch off more than once but this one is so fun and takes so long to figure out which words you have that it's probably worth three dollars worth of fun. Even if you don't get to do it in a dark, air conditioned room. I mean you can but I usually do them in my car. Anyway I lost my train of thought already but yeah I like student discounts.

MORE good things: look I think we can all agree that the best part of going to a Mexican restaurant is the free chips and salsa to eat while you drink your margaritas and wait for your food. The thing is at Chipotle and Freebird's they don't give you free chips and salsa because I've never ordered a margarita there and the only time you're waiting for your food is when you're ordering your food because you make it in front of you so you don't NEED chips and salsa so they always charge you for them! Which isn't the worst thing in the world, but I love chips and salsa almost as much as I love my fish Melvin. Actually maybe more, I never had to change chips and salsa's tank, and I have to change Melvin's every single week. How is he getting dirty?? He lives in a giant bathtub!!! But at Mission Burrito, they have a chips and salsa bar and you can just go and get as many chips and salsas as you want! +11! Most of their salsas are pretty gross, I'll preach it real to you, but they have a black bean dip that I wouldn't mind gorging myself on again. I just appreciate that finally there is a burrito place who trusts me to make decisions about my own chips and salsa consumption.

The best thing about Mission Burrito I guess I really discovered at Chipotle a couple weeks ago. Have you guys tried these things called burrito bowls? They have them at Mission Burrito! It's just like a regular burrito, but instead of being wrapped up in a tortilla, it's just chilling in a plastic bowl and you eat all the ingredients with a fork. +28 Oh man that's real good news for me, I'm usually really good at eating a burrito for the first half and then as I get closer and closer to the end it starts to fall apart and next thing I know I have rice in my hair and my hands are dripping in salsa and there's cilantro in the seat next to me. But if you get a burrito bowl, there's none of the ups and downs! You're just a straight plateau of competency! It's really good. I actually mastered the use of a fork a couple years ago, and it feels really good to be able to telegraph those skills in social situations. Thanks, Mission Burrito.

That's everything I got. Everyone make sure you head on over to FUHA to check out the video I filmed last week. I look pretty cute in it, you can email your compliments to arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Happy Endings

Look guys I was going to stop reviewing food trucks for a while, but I got an invitation from FUHA to review this joint with them, and I'm never going to turn down free publicity guys I'm just not. If you guys are interested in watching the clip from our trip to Happy Endings, and you absolutely should be, I look gorgeous in it and (spoiler alert) there's the cutest black puppy in the world filmed AND HIS EARS ARE SO BIG!, the film should be available on their website Monday. I'll remind you again, don't worry. (Because of the puppy. Not because I'm in it. There's nothing I love more than a puppy who's ears are too big for it's face. +7)

Look the thing is if it wasn't for this whole film thing I would not have given you a lovely review of Happy Endings. I'm so tired of food trucks, you know why? Because there is NO air conditioning. I just have to stand out in the heat waiting in line for food, and worse than that, since a food truck is a mobile restaurant rather than a regular restaurant, you can't exactly drive up to it! You have to park somewhere separately, in a separate parking lot, and then actually walk all the way to the food truck. You know I read on twitter that that Annise Parker girl said something about how NYC can suck Houston's butt because we're not going to cut down on how much soda we can have at one time here, we're going to focus on creating initiatives where Houstonians have the power to lower their calories and increase their exercise without removing any freedoms. Or something, it was in 160 characters. My point is, I have the perfect answer! You want to make people skinnier? Make there be more food trucks! People just wander around in the heat in search of food. It's some kind of sick game if you ask me. -6 (Dear Mayor Parker: That was all satire. You should make there be more food trucks because this is a good thing, not a sarcastic good thing.)

Here's why Happy Endings is the best restaurant in Houston though, mobile or otherwise. So, like I said, I was hanging out, saying clever, witty things to a camera, and Andre, one of the gents over at FUHA, says, OK, now we're going to get footage of you and me ordering at Happy Endings. I say sure, that's fine, I have plenty of experience ordering things in a restaurant, I'll have no problem taking care of this small task for you Andre. I step up to the window, tell them what I want, then Andre tells her what he wants without waiting for me to pay, and I think, wow, that's nice. This slightly-better-funded-food-segment-than-my-food-segment is going to buy me lunch today! I'm glad I managed to get out of bed! BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED! You know what happened instead? The girl just said, OK great, we're going to throw in some egg rolls for you guys too, and then stepped inside! She didn't charge us a dime! +1832! Pro tip: we should all go legit and get a camera and start shooting restaurant reviews, stat. LEGIT restaurant reviews. If anybody's down email me, nobody has ever given me a free meal in a restaurant just for being a critic! Almost a full year of restaurant reviews, a full year next month, and this is the first time!!! I'm so in love with Happy Endings and I'm so in love with FUHA. You guys should all go and watch all of their restaurant reviews and just think of how many free meals they've gotten (I hear through the grapevine that it's actually like four only but that's still four more than I ever had so they can stop their whining, you know?) A free hot dog and free eggrolls. I love it.

Did I mention, actually, that Happy Endings serves hot dogs? They do. They are Asian inspired hot dogs. I love this idea for a concept, if there's one thing I really like it's fusion food. I like it because as a white person, I'm never going to be able to open up a really good ethnic food restaurant of my own, and I absolutely love ethnic food. +18 Mexicans? I love Mexicans, their food, their pinatas, their drugs. (I'm just kidding about the last one guys though I did see the picture of meth in the Houston Chronicle last week and it was yellow, did you guys know this about meth? I don't know about you but I have a strict no yellow drug policy. No thanks Mexican drug cartels.) I love Greek food, I just read two books in a row about ancient Greece and I'm now very well informed about at least two topics related to Greece. Also I went to Greek Festival to demonstrate my love for Greek food, but I think I demonstrated it a little too well and now I'm going on a diet. My point is: here's my idea for fusion: Greek-Mexican fusion! I'm not sure yet how it's going to work but I want to go ahead and put my  idea on the interwebs so if anyone else comes up with this idea before I can get my recipes together, I have proof that I thought of it first and I'll be able to sue them for all they are worth. Which, if they have just started a restaurant, will probably no longer be a lot.

Anyway. Those are my thoughts. I'll keep you posted on FUHA, but, another spoiler, I'm wearing a grey sweatshirt. It's going to be HOT.

Chuy's

I want to start out by describing to you the long term love affair that I've had with Chuy's. The first time I ever entered a Chuy's was in Austin, Texas; I was visiting my brother and in order for us to find a table more smoothly, we put our names down for several different Tex-Mex restaurants and then ate in the one who called us first. It was not, unfortunately, Chuy's. At the time I was working at a pizza restaurant in Waco called Rosati's; the man who hired me, Danny Brown, left shortly after started work and became an opening manager for Chuy's. I assume he left Rosati's because of his severe regret at his last hiring decision, and knew that it was something he'd regret the rest of his life. Thanks to his belief in my success, I'm currently working in my third pizza job. He came to Houston a little before I did, and my freshman year I was required to tour a restaurant and interview it's GM and write a paper. As he was the only person I knew in this big city, I called him and can now tell you that 25% of Chuy's food revenue comes from alcohol, and 33% of their refrigerator space is filled with more liquor than I have ever seen before. Had ever seen before. (Then I turned 21 and started frequenting the Spec's on Louisiana; truly, mine eyes have been opened.) The first time I ever ATE at a Chuy's was in Waco, at a birthday party; the circle was complete. After all the teasing, the putting of my name on the waiting list, the touring of the kitchen, the watching of the preparation of the refried beans (they had an Asian lady making their refried beans; I know, it was weird), I'd finally eaten their food. I loved it.

This past Thursday, however, I went to eat at the Chuy's in River Oaks and I have to admit to you guys that it wasn't the best experience of my life. The problem, of course, was the reason I was there: my professor had assigned the class the task of writing a restaurant review. -9000 Dr. Titz was asking me to review a restaurant, any restaurant of my choice. At first I was excited. As you guys know, I'm an expert at writing restaurant reviews. But then I started looking at the assignment criteria. He didn't ask a single thing about the decor! Nothing about the cute signs they have by the patio about how you can't bring your dogs inside. Nothing about the security guard posted in the parking lot, who smiled and nodded at me and looked very serious in his uniform. It was all supposed to be based on "procedural and convivial factors." Are you kidding me? I haven't considered the procedural or convivial factors of ANY restaurant since I started this blog! And you know something? They weren't great! Our server spilled Thomas's queso on the floor next to our table, narrowly missing my leopard print pumps, and barely even seemed to notice. He never brought me the additional salsa that I requested. After our dishes were removed from the table, he didn't even ask if we wanted dessert, he just dropped the check! He never even smiled at me once! Guuuuys! It was awful. But really it was awful because I never even would have noticed this sort of thing if I hadn't been required to by my assignment. No salsa? Who cares, I probably didn't need the carbs and definitely didn't need the sodium associated with the half shaker of salt I would have added. The queso spilled? No biggie, my shoes were spared, and it's not like they were my new nude pumps with the pink roses on them. And I never eat the salsa in restaurants anyway! Basically this whole assignment just ruined my life, is what I'm trying to say to you.

I'm going to try and rally for you, though. I'm going to try to express to you what a happy place Chuy's normally is.

The important thing about Chuy's is that it is the only thing on earth who's love for Elvis rivals my grandmother's. You open the front door to Chuy's, the very first thing you are confronted with is a shrine to Elvis himself. All Chuy's have certain different aspects of their decor, the one I toured has a ceiling completely covered in baskets, which was wacky and fun, though I can't help but believe spider infested, but they all have this one element, the Elvis shrine. +18 The one on River Oaks features a really creepy Elvis head, which I love; just imagine if you were a burglar, trying to get into Chuy's in the night. The whole store would be dark and you'd finally jimmy the lock and get through the front door and there, floating before you, the disembodied head of Elvis. +23! it's the best anti-burglary system ever installed and I'm thinking of putting one in my apartment, just to be safe, not that I have any valuables at all, just to let you know, potential burglars.

To let all of you who were worried about my missing salsa incident know, they actually have a salsa bar inside one of their multiple dining rooms. This is good because in case your server forgets about you, you can take care of yourself, but also because they have queso inside the salsa bar!! +81! Everybody charges extra for queso, but apparently not Chuy's! They just leave it hanging around for anybody to have that wants it! But it's even better than that, everyone. This salsa bar? Is located in the trunk of half of a powder blue Cadillac. +30 It's even better than having a good server, honestly. Why didn't Dr. Titz's review form have a question about this??

And finally, I want to share with you my favorite feature of the dining room I was seated in: a TV, playing the image of a fire crackling in a brick hearth. (The brick hearth was around the TV, just to clarify; the TV only showed the image of the fire.) Instantly the restaurant seemed warmer and more "convivial", to steal a phrase from Dr. Titz! It transformed a routine assignment completion date into an actual romantic evening! Thanks, Chuy's, for your help!

Look guys I know there's a moral in here somewhere but I'm not going to spoon feed it to you. All I'm saying is maybe Dr. Titz should spend a little more time reading my blog and a little less time coming up with mean homework assignments.