IKEA Restaurant

Look maybe you guys didn't know this about me but I read a lot of books. Right now for instance I'm reading Game of Thrones; have you guys read it? Oh my GOSH it's amazing when I grow up I want to be just like Arya Stark because she's real cool or maybe Jon Snow before the fourth book, I'm currently reading the fourth book and he's not so great in it. I'm sure he'll turn out OK I just have to keep reading. Anyway my point is the IKEA Restaurant is inspired by a book this whole nation read (or at least watched the movie adaptation of): The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo.

The IKEA Restaurant has taken all the foods they talk about from this "Sweden" mentioned in The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo and really brought them to life! +9 They have such charming foods as "Swedish meatballs" and "lingonberries" that hearken back to the pages of this wonderful work. It's like going to Harry Potter World, and getting to drink Butterbeer and eat Fizzing Whizbees, just like Harry, Hermione, and Ron do, but instead we're hardened journalists and inked up computer geniuses. It's such a literary blast!

Not only that, but there's a woman who works behind the counter and says things like "I'm not allowed to give you mashed potatoes, don't tell anyone" in accents JUST LIKE the ones used in Girl with a Dragon Tattoo! +12 I mean they are down to the details on this one, guys. She didn't look like any of the characters that I remembered, but she was small and had blonde hair so I guess she was an amalgamation of several of them. Either way I thought the attention to detail was exceptional.

It didn't even end there! There's a whole store attached to the IKEA Restaurant, I mean obviously, like all theme parks they make most of their money in merchandizing. They sell mostly furniture, which I think is silly. I mean they did occasionally mention furniture in the Girl with a Dragon Tattoo; so and so sat down, Berger had a desk, probably so did a couple other characters, there were some beds mentioned, you know, the usual. It just seems like it's kind of a weird thing for the Girl with a Dragon Tattoo theme park to specialize in, but I mean, to each their own, right? +8 And the thing is all of the furniture and all of the books in the store are written in the same funny, made up language as the streets and the towns in the Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. +9 I mean they really committed to this right? I mean it's not some kind of crappy literary amusement park, when they decided they were going to make an amusement park they went all out. I wish it had better rides, though; there's these stairs you can stand on and then they'll magically ride you up to a different story, and then there's this room you can go into and the doors will close and you can press some buttons and it'll go up a flight as well, but neither one of them are very fast or anything and they don't take your picture when you're at the top so I think maybe they should work on that aspect of it -14.

If I ever have a literary amusement park, it's going to be Jane Eyre themed. Not because I particularly liked it I mean I read it three times because I kept thinking it was going to get better and I guess it did. But I just think there are a lot of places you can go with a Jane Eyre Theme Park. You could have the ride where everybody's trapped in an attic room while the building is burning and then roller coaster takes you through windows and falling eaves like you're trying to escape but in the end you don't make it out (or do you? Like I said I only read it three times). You could have like a fun house where you think you're just a nanny but then it turns out everybody's playing charades and some weird guy is flirting with you the whole time. And then of course there'd be the ride where you're running through a field in a white dress. I don't think that ever really happens in the book but it's on the cover of my copy so it's how I always imagine Jane Eyre whenever she's not driveling on about something. There'd be three or four roller coasters in the end, I'd have to come up with a plot for the other ones, but I think I actually have a better start than IKEA does.

Incidentally, what does IKEA stand for? I couldn't come up with any Girl with a Dragon Tattoo anagram, but maybe if I'd read it as many times as I've read Jane Eyre it would come to me. By the way, try the Swedish meatballs, even if they were just a gimmicky food they're delicious and so's the brown gravy.

Cleburne Cafeteria

It's just that guys, sometimes Luby's isn't enough. You know? This is the 21st century. It's time to live a little, stop supporting the massive conglomerates, give up our love of chains, eat in Mom and Pop restaurants. (Heh heh heh guys I bet for a second I fooled you into thinking I don't have a picture of Dick Cheney taped over my bed so he can watch over me while I sleep silly hippies +9) Let's face it, the real problem is that once I got outclassed by a Luby's in uptown, and I've been hesitant to return ever since; Cleburne Cafeteria, at 3606 Bissonnet, is my only recourse.

Let's start from the top. OK, here's what's weird about Cleburne Cafeteria - they have all these dark, dreary looking pictures of sailboats on the walls. What on earth is a sailboat doing in Houston, is what I want to know? I mean I guess you could sail the bayou if you wanted but I think your sail would get caught in the overpasses and to be quite honest, you'd probably scrape up the bottom of your boat when you get to those places where there's not that much water. Plus there's all those catfish that live there, I think they're radioactive, I mean you know they say that catfish will eat anything and I think that's even less of a positive attribute in Houston that even in other places. -12 But then you read the History of Cleburne Cafeteria available at location and on their website, and you get your answers; they were all painted years and years ago by the guy who used to own this joint, Nick Mickelis; he was from Greece and he painted things that reminded him of home. But guys I was actually in Greece the other week and if I'm honest with you, I didn't see a whole lot of sailboats there, either, just really scary drivers and some young Greek children who kept yelling things at me that I didn't understand, I mean it's all Greek to me. AHAHAHAHA +3 I'm just saying I think this guy is a dirty liar.

But look guys maybe That History should be required reading because it actually answered a lot of my questions. For instance, why is it called Cleburne Cafeteria? It's nowhere near Cleburne! It's blocks and blocks away from Cleburne! Bissonnet Cafeteria, I could understand that. Mickelis Cafeteria, I can understand that. I mean guys it got to be I couldn't even drive down that block of Bissonnet without getting a headache because of the obvious lack of understanding of Houston geography! -17 But the thing is, if you read The History, you'll understand that Cleburne Cafeteria was originally in a different, undisclosed location. What do you think that undisclosed location was? I mean I'm not sure guys, I'm not a genius, I'm just Catherine Martin, but I'm willing to hazard a guess that maybe it was on Cleburne St. And you know what? Cleburne Cafeteria used to have a different owner, too, a different undisclosed owner. I mean I'm no member of MENSA, guys, I'm just one girl, but you know what I bet? I bet that the old owner was NAMED CLEBURNE! His name was Cleburne and it was on Cleburne! That's why they named it Cleburne Cafeteria, because that particular name has so much History with this store! +41

Oh my gosh but do you know what the worst part is? This isn't even a regular section of my blog here, this is just a regular old PSA. They only take cash at Cleburne Cafeteria! Isn't that the worst? And if there was a sign I sure as heck didn't see it, my whole party and I selected our food and got to the end of the line and then we were hit with the blow that none of us had planned accordingly and none of us could eat! I mean it didn't actually come to that. We got to eat. But I feel like that's a pretty important thing, especially in this day and age! Everybody takes debit cards! I almost never carry cash, because I know that if I do my addiction to vending machine candy bars and all other things that come out of vending machines will be the death of me! -34 I just think it's mean for people to allow you to live under the impression that this was a magical, progressive world, and then hit you with the fact that you actually have to plan ahead for your days and carry currency in your own pocket and get your own hands filthy the germs of other people's transactions.

They have pretty good chicken pot pie there but more importantly they keep free copies of West University Examiner outside their door; go ahead and check it out but make sure you bring cash and don't forget to read Their History!

Fish Place 290

So this whole thing with Fish Place started when I was working at Pink's Pizza and I had this coworker named Roberto and we'd get into little tussles all the time. You guys know the kind I'm talking about, he'd say something rude about my speed and workmanship and I'd mutter something mean about Mexicans under my breath and then things would get really bad and he'd shout "I no a Mexican! I Brazilian! But all us brown people the same to you, do you need me to mow your lawn?" Oh Roberto, how I miss that guy. We had our good times too he'd sing me sweet songs about cats and rats and I baked him cupcakes on his birthday, but all great loves are built on passion and there's two sides to the passion coin, as everyone who watched the notebook knows. So we were in a rough patch, Roberto and I, and he told me that he'd quit and was going to work with his brother at Fish Place. Ok so Roberto's English is about as good as my Spanish, so I was positive that I was missing something here.

"Which Fish Place, Roberto?" I was also trying not to sound too interested, like I wasn't ready to strangle him with my bare hands and didn't want him gone from my life for forever.

"Fish Place 290," he replied.

"But which Fish Place?" I ask, more aggressively this time. I mean come on guys what kind of answer was that? This was an interrogation, not a friendly chat between friends! I didn't want to know what highway it was on, I wanted to know where I could go to laugh in triumph over having lost him for forever.

"Fish Place 290," he repeats.

"Navy Seafood?" I prompt him. "Pappadeaux's? Red Lobster? Come on man, give me what I need!"

But he wouldn't give me anything. In the end we made up and he didn't quit and I finally started calling him Guatemalan instead which sat better with him. Months later, however, I was driving to Tinseltown on 290 and I saw it. Fish Place. Fish Place on 290. It's actually called Fish Place; it's not A fish place, it's The Fish Place. Roberto does speak English after all! We'd been communicating effectively and I didn't even know it. My heart weeps at the opportunities I lost because of my own ignorance of Houston. All those times he invited me over to his place for drinks, he probably wasn't talking about his house, but a trendy bar in Midtown that I've never heard of! Roberto, I am so, so sorry. -26

OK but Fish Place is so much more than all this, I'm almost ashamed to have lead with Roberto, Fish Place is worth more than that. So here's the thing I walk into Fish Place 290 and the girl who is working the cashier has got to be the peppiest person in the entire universe. I mean seriously I don't know what it is about fish that has made her so vibrant and full of life, but I'm actually quitting my job and joining the staff as well. Sorry you had to find out this way, my current employers. The thing is she was all smiles and chit chat and she remembered Thomas from the one time he'd come in before and normally, you know, too much effervescence can be a bit much. I mean normally I have no tolerance for people who are enjoying themselves, I mean if they're a bit loud about it sometimes it gives me a headache and I just don't enjoy having to suffer through other people's happiness. But this girl at Fish Place, she was just so genuinely friendly and in love with fish that I actually wanted to order everything on the menu, try all their sauces, and then stay for a while to hear about the lives of the line cooks and their children. +14 I'm just saying I've never been so immediately invested in a restaurant once entering their doors. I don't know what this woman's name is, but I do know that she will be the face of any company I start.

But how could I not expect this? Allow me to direct you to their website. This is just in case you guys haven't had the luxury of seeing a Fish Place on your own. Isn't that font so friendly? The font of their website? +8 I mean it's no wonder they hired that woman, they combine cursive with a bold, easy to read font, all in an attractive red coloring. What's not to like about this place?

I haven't even told you the best part. For one thing, Fish Place is super cheap, which is what I love in a restaurant. You can get a po boy for like, five dollars. A delicious po boy, where the sauce dribbles a little bit down your wrist whenever you take a sloppy bite. Which is usually for me guys lets be honest. But the best bargain of Fish Place? I don't even know if I should tell you this, because you'll never go to another restaurant again. But I owe it to Fish Place and I owe it to my journalistic integrity. You can get UNLIMITED, ALL YOU CAN EAT catfish for $10.99! $10.99! Can you believe it??? You go to a different fish place, and you pay $10.99 for a limited amount of catfish. It's like I said. There's no reason to ever go anywhere else in the entire Houston area! +98

I don't even know how I can top  that myself. Look guys. Go to Fish Place. Go to Fish Place 290. Go to Fish Place 290, eat the unlimited catfish, eat the catfish po boy, tell Roberto I said hello, give my business card to the woman who works the cashier, and then email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com. Your life will never get better than this, I promise you.

59 Diner

Alright guys I’m going to be honest with you. 59 Diner had me the minute I read their sign, because they had my favorite word (diner. Followed by bubble, followed by glitter, followed by quadratic. I mean tell me those last three aren’t so fun to say. And the first isn’t so fun to eat at.) incorporated into their name. But I’m going to try to be impartial and unbiased in order to trick you guys into thinking I have some sort of integrity and didn’t spend the last twenty minutes in an ethical debate with myself over whether or not it was OK to illegally download “We Are Young” by Fun. onto my computer. I don’t think anybody won because either way Fun. didn’t get any money from me but also I didn’t get the song and I now no longer believe in win-win situations -9.

Back to 59 Diner. I’m going to share with you guys the story of my first trip to 59 Diner because it’s the most embarrassing story of my entire existence, and I think it’s time that I shared more with you guys because let’s be honest you don’t know enough awkward details of my life. So. Picture the scene. Last summer. “That” time of the month. I had a job interview in the morning that I’d arrived for twenty minutes late through every fault of my own (the fact that I actually was offered the job after this dismal display is not relevant to the story, just picture my self-loathing). I was wearing a dress that I’d bought even though it was a little saggy in the breast area and altered to fit my needs. Friend-zone Thomas texted me to see if I wanted to go to a movie to be cheered up. I showed up twenty minutes late to the movie too, because I was fat and ugly. Are starting to feel the despair that only a woman can feel? The movie ends and as I’m walking down the stairs, I trip and fall flat on my butt. I blink back tears. Did Thomas see my butt? Had I inadvertently exposed myself to a boy I’ll admit to the internet I had a crush on?  My shame, self-hatred, and general melancholy had almost reached its peak. I blackmailed Thomas into going to the nearest place which would sell me a chocolate malt, which thankfully turned out to be the Happiest Place on Earth, 59 Diner. We arrive and slide into the booth, and I’m immediately self-conscious. Had I done a good enough job altering my dress? Were my breasts too exposed to this boy? Was he getting a show, both my bum and my bosom in one day? I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I wanted to dissolve into a puddle. I was the worst of the worst – habitually late, sluttily dressed, and, suddenly, crying in public! My first trip to 59 Diner, and here I was, crying in front of Thomas, who now looked terrified!

Guys. 59 Diner came through for me. Our waitress was on the scene in an instant, refilling my water glass as quickly as I could gulp it tearfully down, giving me hugs, discretely checking to make sure Thomas wasn’t abusing me. You know what she said to me? Guys, she said, and I’m quoting this word for word even though it happened a full year ago, “Anybody wearing a dress as beautiful as that shouldn’t be sad.” +980! She didn’t think I’d done a humiliating job of altering anything! She though my cleavage was delightfully covered! Suddenly I wasn’t even sure that Thomas had seen my butt at the movies, for one thing it was dark, for another, I mean when I slipped, I mostly just sat down, the angles and trajectories were all wrong for him to have seen anything! I wasn’t fat or ugly! I was slender and beautiful! Obviously Thomas wasn’t too terrified of my tears, now we’re dating in real life, and nobody even cared how late I was that day! Everything turned out fine, and it was just because I went to 59 Diner!

I almost don’t even know what to tell you about this place, because it’s so magical I can’t narrow down the exact things I want to share with you. They have all sorts of quarter machines that you can use to get keychains or solid gold jewelry or stickers or lower back tattoos +76 there are few things I love more than fake lower back tattoos for wearing underneath my most nun-like clothes where nobody will actually see them. There’s a neon sign where the guy who makes the malts stands that says “Head Jerk” and I feel like it’s 100% serious and not even a little bit of a joke +41.

No, you’re right, there is one fact about 59 Diner that surpasses all others. The 59 Diner I go to is on Shepherd, just off of highway 59. Right, that makes sense. That’s why it’s called 59 Diner. Because it’s near 59. But do you know where they have another one? Off of I-10! What’s more arbitrary than that??? No longer does the 59 mean anything! It’s just a random number they’ve assigned to these diners! I love random numbers assigned to things!!! +28!! I think subliminally I must have gotten the idea for my famous restaurant review blog arbitrary criticism dot com from this fantastic restaurant chain! Thank you for everything 59 Diner!

Go to 59 Diner, my flock! Go there and order your breakfast for dinner and do not be afraid to cry in public, I promise you it will work out for the best! You are in good company!

Brown Bag Deli

Look guys I’m going to be honest with you. It’s a secret that I’ve been keeping concealed for this entire blog. But you see... I’m a female. That’s right. A girl. A lady. A woman. And I think we all know what that means, right? It means I can make my own dang sandwiches! This is what makes me disapprove of places like Brown Bag Deli! I don’t need some man to do something I can do perfectly well on my own, and have in fact been training for since I was in utero!  -984!

It’s just. Have you guys been here?? UGH it’s the worst!! So first things first you walk in and there’s an ACTUAL, LITERAL BROWN BAG on a clipboard. I hate when somebody tells me what they’re going to do, and then goes and does exactly that! I hate when things set standards for themselves and then one hundred percent live up to them! -92! So you fill out what you want on the brown bag and then you have two choices: you can A. turn the bag in to the front counter and hand them a specified amount of currency, and they will turn it into a sandwich with a carefully calibrated amount of magic, or you can B. sit at a table as the restaurant slowly fills up with patrons who are actually ready to eat their sandwiches and turn your paper bag into a monster with fangs that talks in a voice that is similar to your voice but still different enough that you can tell it’s a monster talking and not you. Usually I choose the latter. By usually I mean once, and then I went ahead with the first plan later anyway.

It’s just. There’s no dearth of dare I call them restaurants who will take a paper bag that has been filled out with your specifications and then turn them into sandwiches with the aid of witchcraft and moneys. OK I’ll stop with the subtleties I’m referring of course to Which Wich, the most amazing sandwich place in the universe! Can we please have a moment to compare and contrast? Which Wich has thousands of sandwich combinations to choose from. Brown Bag Deli has about fifteen. Which Wich sells really good Oreo shakes. Brown Bag Deli stopped selling Strawberry Fanta. Which Wich would sometimes trade sandwiches for pizzas when I worked at Pink’s. Brown Bag Deli always charges me full price, no matter how much I cry and show off my cleavage. Brown Bag Deli is located on Westheimer, has biodegradable cups, and probably voted for Obama in the last election. Which Wich is located on Richmond, has cardboard cups that you can destroy the environment with, and had a write in vote for Steven Colbert in the last election. Is there any contest here guys? Final tally: Which Wich, +932341, Brown Bag Deli, -1595. The only nice thing I can say about them is that they have the cheddar Sunchips, but you know what? SO DOES WHICH WICH! Take that, BBD!

Plus it’s even worse than all that. I’ve actually been to TWO Brown Bag Delis. There’s that one on Westheimer I was discussing with you. If you go there, you have three choices for parking. You can park in the single non-handicapped spot in front of the store. Or you can park in the side parking, which apparently has no lines to differentiate spots (or at least any that the SUVs who somehow always manage to take up six parking spots at once can see) and is located in a ditch that is always filled with water, or you can park in the behind the store parking, which doesn’t overlook BBD at all but instead the auto shop next to it and run the risk of having your car accidentally worked on while you dine. Actually that last one’s not so bad, but I’m still giving this whole situation a -9. Then there’s the Brown Bag Deli downtown, and I think we all know what a nightmare it is to park downtown! First you have to find a spot that has a working meter. Then you have to somehow manage to parallel park even though you didn’t go to driving school and only learned how to parallel park last summer when you were going to Moon Tower Inn with two of your coworkers. Then you have to eat in less than two hours OR move your car halfway through your meal, because APPARENTLY for some arbitrary reason you can’t park on the street in downtown Houston for more than two hours in a row! Because THAT makes sense! -13! I’ve never tried to park at Which Wich, but I imagine that they are a veritable WONDERLAND of parking. I bet they have their own four story garage to service their patrons!

It seems mean to say so many terrible things in a row, so I will begrudgingly admit the one nifty thing they do at Brown Bag Deli. Back to the store on Westheimer. It’s not a very large store, hence the four parking spots they’ve provided their patrons. But against one wall, they’ve put a mirror, so that it looks like the store is twice the size that it really is! It’s actually pretty nifty, because sometimes I’ll admit I can feel a little bit claustrophobic and it’s true guys, I do spend a total of 87% of my time checking myself and if you sit in one of the booths next to the mirrors, you can eat your sandwich while staring into your own eyes. I do love to multi task and so that is I’ll admit a huge plus for me. And by a huge plus I actually only mean a +3 heh heh heh take that Brown Bag Deli.

All I’m saying is if you want to pay someone to make a sandwich for you email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com and I’ll do it for you and there’s actually a lot of parking at my apartment complex and I’ll even still have Strawberry Fanta on tap for you.

Joe's Crabshack

Holy gosh guys, have you ever Eaten at Joe’s? (Side note: shouldn’t the restaurant be called “Eat At Joe’s” instead of “Joe’s Crabshack” since that’s what all their marketing focuses on? I’m not trying to nitpick I’m just saying they should have a more coherent image -8)

The thing is I went to Kemah the other day to feed the catfish, ride the Boardwalk Bullet, etc, and obviously after all that fun and parking spot searching, the beast inside my belly was faMISHed. I know I know usually I review Houston area restaurants and Kemah technically isn’t part of Houston (though really I consider most things south of Dallas part of Houston at this point) but if anybody hasn’t been to Kemah and lives in Houston they aren’t allowed to read this anymore, I don’t care who I alienate with this.

Right so Thomas and I skip into Joe’s Crabshack along with Hank, the yeti he and I won on the boardwalk. We got our table for 2.5 and guys, I immediately fell in love. Do you know what they have in the middle of the tables there? Buckets for you to put your trash in. Just sunk into the table. My first thought of course like all ladies is I’ll never have that much trash in my whole life, but of course just because I’m dainty and woman-like doesn’t mean it isn’t really awesome and convenient! +9! I think I’m going to install a bucket into my kitchen table in my apartment and then hire a waiter to come by and empty it after every meal so I can just throw napkins and watermelon rinds and things into it without any thought of the consequences.

But guys have you ever eaten crab before? I mean I’d eaten it before, but never in a shell! Oh my gosh that was the most fun of my life! So they give you these little knife things that you’re supposed to use as a letter opener, as a crab leg opener rather, and you just slide the knife part in the leg hole and slide up and then inside there’s all this crab meat, and then you dip it into some butter sauce and cram it down your mouth! But it’s even more fun than all of that! Oh my gosh and it’s so messy, I mean I got crab juice on my elbows and behind my ears and all over my face and hands. I’ll let you in on a little secret I’m pretty sure Thomas is actually a blind man because sometimes my habits are a little appalling, like the fact that I was wrestling my dinner for dominance and also the fact that I have approximately 73 dirty socks on my floor at any moment. But oh man it was enjoyable. I mean crab eating should be an Olympic sport, it was that athletic. You know how they say you burn more calories eating celery than you gain from it? I think that’s true of crab in the shell too! +134 Maybe the same amount of calories actually I ate a lot of butter sauce!

And at Joe’s, when you order one of their plates, they give you two halves of crab. I don’t think I need to remind you that two halves equal a whole! I ate an entire crab, guys! +5 I mean most of it I took one of the legs and part of the middle part in a doggie bag. Normally I’d share it with Melvin, he loves asserting himself over lessor undersea creatures, but he’s actually still in the hospital until I get back from vacation. The thing is I don’t know how long you usually spend at your dinners, guys, but sometimes I can be very snappy about my eating when I’m ravenous, and it’s less of a dainty chewing than a shoveling. But guys I was starving, and you know how long we were at Joe’s? TWO HOURS! Two entire hours, is how long it took me to eat that crab! Because I had to fight so hard for it, and because I kept losing seconds to rip my second and third and tenth and thirty-second paper towel off the roll to wipe down my hands. +31 That’s more time than I put into many relationships, let alone a single dinner when we hadn’t even gone to feed Kemah’s ample collection of catfish.

Speaking of guys, let’s address the elephant in the room. What on earth is up with those things? The thing is, cats are for the most part pretty solitary creatures, unless you open up a can of cat food then they’ll all swarm around you from miles away. But there are like a million of those catfish and they all hang out next to the Landry’s on the boardwalk and they swim all over each other, it’s so gross, I mean imagine what it must feel like to be the catfish in the middle and have all those other weirdos just swarming over and underneath you and their weird catfish skin rubbing up against your weird catfish skin ugh it makes me want to lose my crab dinner. But the thing is, they’ll fight each other for the dog food they sell on the boardwalk! Isn’t that so demeaning? I mean, seriously guys, have some decency, there’s probably not even the nutrients you need in there, we can all share I think. -9 But seriously I can’t look away it’s like a car crash but even worse because the only reason I go to Kemah is to look at those weird things. I mean there are some other reasons but that’s the main one.

Back to Joe’s though! I didn’t even tell you the best part! You know how after you eat some places give you those disgusting red mints with your check and you’re like, come on guys, there’s no need to add insult to the injury, I know how much the upcharge was to change my salad dressing you don’t have to rub it in? That never happens at Joe’s Crabshack! You feel great when you pay the bill because they only have green mints there. First dinner and a full work out, and then a green mint??? Guys, why would you ever go anywhere else????

Go there and don’t bother to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com, I already know how great it is and you don’t want to get your keyboard dirty with how filthy your hands are gonna be!!!

Red Onion Cafe

Oh my gosh guys, did you know that the Red Onion Cafe is Mexican food? Excuse me, its Latin fusion. But seriously doesn’t “Red Onion Cafe” seem like they should serve, I don’t know, quiches and pink lemonade and women foods like that. I mean not that they don’t serve women food at the Red Onion Cafe, I mean they have a Sunday brunch, what’s more feminine than that, but there were several men when I ate there as well. Just so’s we’re clear.

Look it’s true I love to start out complaining. So whenever you get there they bring you chips and salsa and there’s a red salsa and a green salsa just like at all the cool places. But do you want to hear something disgusting? The green salsa has pineapples in it. Here you are, expecting a great tomatillo salsa, but it’s sweet. It’s not even spicy. -9 I couldn’t even eat it! Who makes sweet salsas?? And then tries to pass them off as spicy salsas?? I’m just saying it tasted like you were dipping your corn chip into a cup of sugar and while there’s a lot of things I can handle sugar on, my corn chips is not one of them.

But guys I don’t want you to think it’s all bad. Well I mean guys you can think whatever you want right now, but ladies, in the bathroom there’s a picture of George Clooney that’s been cut from a magazine! George Clooney, stud of the world! The whole bathroom is papered with magazine pages from Spanish language magazines, I tried to read my horoscope but all I got was that some guy named Bien was factoring into it a bunch and maybe he was tall dark and handsome but he was sure as heck very, very muy. +8? -8? I’m afraid I don’t know. (I’m just kidding guys I speak great Spanish) But back to this picture of George Clooney! Look I’m just saying that part of my life is kind of private but I wouldn’t kick George out for eating crackers in bed, I sure as heck wouldn’t kick him out for lingering over the sink with just the perfect amount of stubble across his handsome, well sculpted chin. +11

Here’s the best part though. Guys, I ate a papusa! +5 In case you didn’t know what these were before I ate one either, it’s an El Salvadorian dish that’s sort of like a tortilla, but much thicker and stuffed with things like beans and cheese and meat. All I knows is that it was delicious and I felt so multicultural! Here’s the thing I’ve only known two men from El Salvador, one of them I worked with and he was really nice and handsome but the other I went on a date with once, I won’t share his name on the internet, but he was the prettiest boy I’ve ever met in my entire life. Beautiful. We had a class together and I sat next to him and we were friends for a while and we didn’t really have much in common other than the fact that we both thought I was funny, and then we went to the movies and I realized that he didn’t really think I was funny, he just didn’t speak English very well and only laughed at my jokes to be polite, and we watched that movie Kick Ass together and I’m 90% sure he didn’t really get it and thought I was a terrible person for laughing when all those people were getting killed but I mean guys, in the context of the film it really is funny, and if he just had a little bit better grasp of the English language I feel like we could have gone out again, but then again if he had a little better grasp of the English language I would have realized a lot sooner he didn’t actually think I was funny and would have spent a bit less time trying out my best material on him. So the moral of this story that we can take from these three things, these two men and one food item, is that all things from El Salvador are very handsome, very attractive, and also don’t speak English very well and probably don’t think you’re funny. The papusa is the only one I got to first base with. -3

And in the final news, the chef of Red Onion Cafe has a new reality show! +a million! It’s called “Wannabe Chef” and it’s about this guy who follows the chef around and he learns how to be a top chef in 30 days. It seems like it will be a good show, simply because our chef has a Hispanic accent and the wannabe chef has a British accent. It’s just as multicultural as the Red Onion Cafe is! How nice is that!

Buuut that’s all for this review. It’s a very nice restaurant and papusa has got to be the funnest word in the world to say, so you should check it out and then when you get back to your house, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!