100% Taquito

I know that I’ve driven by 100% Taquito on 59 at least a dozen times and every time I see it, in the middle of that shopping center, with that unassuming italicized Times New Roman font, and thought, geez, what a bunch of gringos. Especially since they have that unassuming Times New Roman font and the slogan on their website still insists “Eat Authentic.” Look guys I’ve been to Mexico more times than I can count (mostly because I can’t count past three) and I can assure you that nothing there looks like the outside of 100% Taquito.

But here’s the thing. It actually has a pretty cool backstory. Apparently it was started by a couple of UH students as a... OK well I’ll be honest that was all I read. But isn’t that cool? I’M a UH student! THEY’RE UH students! All I know is that several of my scholarships are supported by UH alums, and so I’m supporting them while they’re supporting me. Isn’t that so meta? +21! (I’ll be honest you guys I have no idea what meta means I just like to throw it out from time to time and then nod, seeking approval from everyone, proof that I do in fact know the rules of this game. So if everyone could just nod. I’d appreciate it.)

But more importantly than that part of the backstory is that the inside of the building is supposed to hearken back to the streets of Mexico, and once you get past the font it really is supposed to be an authentic experience. I mean have any of you guys been there? You walk in the front door and then there’s this huge entry way with tiled floor, like it’s the actual streets of Mexico, and then where you order is the side of a taco truck. I mean they’ve parked a taco truck inside this restaurant, in order to make it as authentic as possible. And then there’s this car that’s also parked inside the store, like it’s speeding at you. Which I thought was funny because people in Mexico are such terrible drivers they probably do drive in stores! I mean have you guys ever taken a Mexican taxi? Holy moley it is the most frightening experience. One of my friends told me that in Mexico drivers don’t wait for their light to turn green they wait for the other person’s light to turn red. Man even I drive better than that! (Just kidding Dad I’m a wonderful driver I drive way better than that.) OK and the thing is often times the taxi driver doesn’t know where you’re going either and so you have to give directions to the taxi driver and “straight ahead” in Mexican is “a la derecho” and “turn right” is “a la derecha.” So here you are lost in a foreign city, wanting to go home and trying to give directions in a foreign language, and on top of all your stress because you’re wet and cold and just want to go to sleep, AND you have to be cautious on your ending vowels! It’s awful! -12 But I think it’s cool that they have that car so it’s +8 for 100% Taquito.

Back to this whole Mexican streets thing. Here’s the thing. When I was in high school I spent two weeks in Mexico living with a family and attending foreign language school. It was a wonderful experience and I ate at a lot of taquerias and let me just reassure everyone right now and let you know that I did in fact drink the water and I came out of Mexico completely unscathed from Montezuma’s revenge. I took a Pepto Bismal every night, but I think it was well worth being able to eat every single thing put in front of me and I like to think that the parasites still living in my lower intestinal tracts have made me stronger and more able to face all challenges. (Incidentally, did you know that the chewable Pepto tablets turn your tongue brown? I found that out after I figured it really was the water but don’t worry guys it’s supposed to look like that.) Let me just say that while 100% Taquito is a wonderful restaurant they were absolutely NOT 100% authentic. For one thing: where were the packs of dogs? In Mexico, roving packs of dogs follow you EVERYWHERE with your full meal that you only paid two dollars for. I mean get a job dogs it’s so cheap to eat in Mexico, why on earth are you free loading in a country with as many opportunities as Mexico? Jeez. But there were no pups sniffing at your ankles, longingly staring after your tacos. -6 ALSO, do you know what they gave us while we were waiting for our food? A BUZZER! One of those stupid little things that vibrate when your food is ready, or like when you’re waiting for a table at Olive Garden on Prom night! Let me tell you guys, they do not have the technology to create the batteries to run those things in Mexico. It’s strictly a “hope you get to your food before the dogs do” kind of country. -3 Take that “authenticity”!

But there’s a light at the end of the table. Do you know what they have at 100% Taquito? Hot salsa! They don’t bring it to your table you have to order it separately but guys its totes worth it because the salsa’s warm! None of that chilled stuff here, this is my kind of restaurant, I know we’ve discussed how much I hate cold salsa. I mean it’s a spicy food! It’s going to burn my mouth! I don’t understand why we’re trying to fool ourselves by making it cold. I’m not saying I hate cold salsa as much as I hate Louisiana but it’s not my favorite, so thanks for taking us away from that mess 100% Taquito. +24

Go check it out, they have pitchers of margaritas there even if they don’t have packs of dogs, so you should just take your victories when you can. Email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com to let me know what you think!

Chipotle

Look guys here’s the thing I know this woman who works for corporate Chipotle and one time she gave me FOUR COUPONS for FREE BURRITOS. What I’m trying to say is that only nice people work at Chipotle, and I’m never going to give a bias-free review of this place, nicknamed “The Greatest Restaurant on the Planet.” If you guys haven’t been to a Chipotle, you better get your hiney there. If anybody deserves every single one of your spending dollars, it’s the woman who once gave me four free meals. (The best part is you know what I used one of those coupons for? My friend Ken helped me move apartments in the middle of a hot, humid Houston day and I was real grumpy and a real big wreck the whole time so of course I had to buy him lunch and I used a free burrito coupon on it. Isn’t that really great?? He did all the heavy lifting and it was completely free to me! My GOD, I love Chipotle. +1325)

Here’s the thing about Chipotle, guys. Look by now everyone knows that the one thing I hate in this world more than green beans is hippies. I mean what’s to like about a hippy? They don’t have jobs, they sit in the park all day smoking the reefer, they never wash their hair, and they drink soy milk. Oh my GOSH. The thing is, at first glance, Chipotle appears to be a hippy establishment. I mean they have free range chicken meats and they support local farms and they have one ply toilet paper. But here’s the thing, no matter how much they care about ­issues, they’re still much more conservative than those communists over at Freebird’s. (Do you know what they call their brownies over there? Pot brownies. Because they make them in a pot. Get a job, freeloaders!!! -12) I was a little skeptical about Chipotle at first, especially since their website tosses around words like “sustainable” and “organic” like my dad tosses around commas. But this is what is printed on their napkins: “This napkin is made from 90% post-consumer recycled unbleached paper. It could have been an electricity bill or a parking ticket in its past life. Forgive and forget.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Can you believe this?? How could I have accused them of being a hippy establishment?? GUYS, this is a restaurant that is actually encouraging me to use as many napkins as I want! They’re encouraging me to use a different napkin every time I need to clean of my filthy, pico de gallo covered fingers! They’re actually encouraging me to scrub the guacamole off of my chin as frequently as I want, to grab fistfuls of the stuff to erase the food odor from my hands! I can wipe up as much condensation as I want, I can blow my nose, I can stuff it into the cracks in my car where the insulation has come up to get rid of the drafty sensation whenever the car goes over 70 (exaggerated for emphasis Dad don’t worry I don’t go that fast and I’m taking great care of the car)! +a freaking zillion!!!! Compare Chipotle to the mothership of all hippies, Whole Foods: in the Whole Foods cafeteria in Austin, Texas, I once saw a sign over their napkins that read “I used to be a tree, don’t take more than three.” ??? And I once compared Chipotle, the land of consumption and freedom to clean, wipe, and dry as much as I desire, to THAT monstrosity? I’m just so glad that I saw the error in my ways and finally saw the light on what is a beautiful, wondrous playground of joy.

It’s even better than that though, guys. I mean these guys are good. They’ve got it down to the tiniest of deets. Their straws at Chipotle are so THICK! I mean tell me guys, what’s worse than being really nervous at a restaurant, waiting for the AAA guy to show up to get you out of your latest automobile related mess (still joking Dad), playing with your straw, only to take a nervous slug out of your drink and realize that you have inadvertently chewed a hole through your straw! Guys that’s the worst because then there’s that really weird texture in your mouth when you try to suck the beverage through (usually I drink water in restaurants but when I’m stressed I switch to Coke to keep my blood sugar up) like you’re trying to drink from a cheese grater. At Chipotle, they reinforce their straws with titanium to make sure this never ever happens! This is the only time I’ve ever noticed this phenomenon guys, and let me tell you, it is phenomenal. This is Chipotle fixing a need I didn’t even know I had! +91

K I know I already warned you guys that I’m unbiased but just to keep my integrity I’ll go ahead and give you one teensy detail that maybe puts Chipotle in a bad light. It’s just. I usually go to the Chipotle on Kirby Drive, and they have this bar against the wall, and guys, it’s just a tiny arbitrary criticism, I’m sure it’s not even a big deal, I mean four free burritos way outweighs this... it’s just... their bar stools don’t swivel.  -4? -2? -1. We’ll go with -1. Sure, I love swiveling around in my bar stools, sure, it’s especially fun when you’re wearing a skirt and it billows out all around you, but you know what? The last time I went to Chipotle I wasn’t even wearing a skirt. I was wearing pants. So it was a non-issue, OK? Guys it’s not even a big deal! I’m sorry I even said anything, Chipotle, I didn’t mean it, I love you.

All I’m saying is, the next time you want to go to that socialist dump that is Freebird’s, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com and I’ll talk you into going to a real restaurant, like Chipotle!

Zaytona's

OK guys. Be honest. Have any of you ever eaten in the Houston tunnels? For every person who answered no, I bet there are three more people who answered, "What Houston tunnels?"

Here's the thing guys: that's so lame! Underneath downtown Houston, there's an entire economy of restaurants, thriving and dying in the corporate lunch scene. One time I watched a video on Youtube about what happens underneath ant piles, and it's exactly like the Houston underground! Underneath ant piles, ants go to fast food restaurants and a charming, tinier imitation of Ragin Cajun while talking about important things like documents and flow charts and Caribbean time shares. These same things are discussed in the Houston Tunnels! People who work downtown are just like you and me, except the things they worry about all seem more important than the things I worry about. Right, like you and I, we worry about our rent and if our car is going to break down and if we remembered to turn off the stove before we left the house. People who work downtown? They're always worrying about whether or not they have the right color Post-it note! This is a real conversation I overheard downtown! +8 And can I share with you the coolest part of being downtown? Not in the Tunnels but just in general? They have police horses downtown! So far I've met two, one is named Moose and the other is named Vinson. Here's a fun fact I learned about police horses: they like peppermints! One of them licked my hand and I'll be honest, he could definitely have used a peppermint. I'm not sure how many criminals these horses catch, mostly they just seemed interested in making low "whuff" noises and sometimes stomping their feet angrily, but I guess we pay them a salary and so they must do something. I bet they catch wayward hay bales real well.

Right but Zaytona's is in the Tunnels, I'm sorry I got distracted with the police horses, I'll try to stay on topic. The thing about the Tunnels is that it's this whole underground world! And nobody ever goes down there, but there are restaurants in the Tunnels that are only in the Tunnels. Like Zaytona's. If you don't go into the Tunnels, you can't eat at Zaytona's! (Though I'll be honest I ate a crepe and it had too much feta on it and if you get the number 8 crepe, or maybe it was number 4, then you're probably better off NOT eating in the Tunnels. Gross too much feta -3) They have this guy that hands out coupons and there are three coupons you can get for Zaytona's, one for $1 off a main dish or sandwich, one for a free beverage with purchase of breakfast, and one for free soup or salad with purchase of main dish. That's three coupons, and all you have to do is stand around the food court until someone hands it to you! +7

And that's the other thing! Zaytona's opens at 7 for breakfast! You can eat breakfast in the Tunnels! Think of how important it is to remain underground, in case for instance there's a nuclear strike on Houston, and everybody dies except for you, because you were at Zaytona's eating breakfast and the terrorists live in a different time zone and so you're the only person who's saved because it's breakfast time and you're underground! +9 Zaytona's: saving lives, all the time. Just kidding their slogan is "Eat Fresh. Eat Healthy." which sort of sounds like hippy talk to me but I'll let it slide this time. Look what I'm trying to say is that I love places that serve breakfast, because I've very rarely awake before nine and prefer not to be awake before ten, and so when I do unfortunately have to rise in those terrible morning hours, I like to reward myself for my hard work by having somebody else cook food for me instead of having to go all the way into my kitchen, and open the box of Poptarts, and then open the PACKAGE of Poptarts. I mean that's so complicated, I'd much rather someone else took care of the details for me. +8

Look but it isn't all sunshine and roses. Do you know what the worst part of the Tunnels is? Here's the thing: inside the Tunnels, they have maps of the Tunnels in case you get lost, but the maps aren't referenced by the stores and restaurants in the Tunnels, they're referenced by the buildings above ground! -12 Are you kidding me guys?? If I were on ground level, I wouldn't be having this problem because I know exactly where Niko Niko's in Market Square Park is which is the only above ground location I ever eaten in downtown and besides, I'd be able to navigate easily and swiftly because I used to be a cub scout and I know all about using the sun to find your way when you're lost. Also, you can check out the trees that line the Main Street light rail and ascertain which direction is west from where the moss grows on the trees. You can use the horses in the same manner. My point guys is that these maps are just laughing in the face of everyone lost underground. Oh you're lost? They say. Well then, we'll just give you perfectly POINTLESS DIRECTIONS and then train downtown people to ignore everyone who says "Excuse me" because they assume the next words out of their mouth will be "Do you have a dollar?" or "Quieres chicle?" and not "Do you have any idea where the **** I am, I've been wondering around these Tunnels lost for three days and I think I left the stove on in my apartment??" -7

That's all. If you see Moose or Vinson say hello to them and tell them to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com (I'm just kidding guys, horses obviously can't use keyboards because they don't even have fingers, they only have hooves!)

Pronto Cucinino

Look guys I don't know if you read my Cavatore's review or not but my friend Scott is obsessed with chicken parmigiana. I didn't mean to spell it in that pretentious way, that's just what spell check told me was correct. I know what you're thinking if he loves it so much why doesn't he marry it, unfortunately we live in Texas and people like Scott with their peculiar habits can never be happy here. Politics aside, Scott's been trying to take me to Pronto Cucinino since approximately the bread course at Cavatore's, but for some reason or another (my disgust at Scott gustatory orientation) we never got around to it. Until now!

So we went out because Scott's parents are in town and they wanted to take out Scott's new roommates, me and Melissa. That's right I've taken the plunge and I'm living with a man as an unmarried woman, please don't tell my father. Anyway, I don't know if any of you ladies out there live with men, but geez is it convenient! Me and Melissa definitely got the right end of the bargain on this one, having a man in the house. He takes out the trash! He stood next to me and offered me tips while I hung my own curtains! When I can't reach the zipper on my dress, he zips it for me. The other day Melvin got sick again, and I was too sad to flush him down the ambulance, so Scott, as the man of the house, did it for me! +91 Melissa and I had a lot of fun living together without Scott, but I can't help but think that our lives just got a lot better. A lot more convenient. A lot less trash filled. It's like I have two boyfriends, but one of them I live with and don't have to shower for and the other one I only see when it's convenient, but have to put on deodorant for. Thomas and Scott, please don't ask me to choose.

Here's the thing about Pronto Cucinino. So it's owned by the Mandola family. I don't know if any of you guys go to UH, but over on Cullen by that sketchy Kroger there's a place called Mandola's Deli that offers student discounts to students after three with a student ID. I've seen that place hundreds of times as I've driven to that Kroger for coffee filters and wine. Every time, I thought that Mandola was a city in Italy. Or one of those Italian city-states that I learned about in Machiavelli's The Prince. And now I find out that Mandola is just an Italian last name? -12 The worst part is, they aren't even the same Mandola's! Not only should I have failed ninth grade geography, apparently Mandola is about as common among Italian restaurant owners as Smith is among American Americans. Nobody likes realizing that they're a huge idiot, and I'm taking it out on Pronto Cucinino because they should have shielded me from this!

Here's the other disgusting thing about Pronto Cucinino. On every table, they have rooster shaped candle holders, but none of them actually have candles in them! So instead of being a highly functional, interesting to look at centerpiece, it's just weird. What's the point of having a candle-less candle holder?? Think of all the things we could have put in that two square inches of space. A bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill wine. One very large salt shaker. A thing of Kraft parmigiana cheese. (Spell check again guys it's not my fault) And then why roosters! This is an Italian restaurant, not BRC! (But seriously guys try to pronounce it like it's a word not letters doesn't it sound like a rooster? BRRRRC! BRRRC! Just try it I swear you'll like it) There are lots of more appropriate things than a rooster, such as veals, the Roman Catholic pope, and a thing of Kraft parmigiana cheese. -7 This is why I should be in charge of every restaurant in Houston I would save people from stuff like this.

Here's the absolute worst thing about Pronto Cucinino though. Do you know how hard it is to remember to say Cucinino?? Pronto Cucino is so easy, that's the easiest restaurant name in the world! But toss in that extra "in" and I'm so lost. I feel like I'm saying a regular word and then I get lost halfway through and I don't figure it out until it's too late and I've already embarrassed myself.  -23 I don't know who invented Italian but they were a real jerk.

That's everything I have to say on the subject, when you go to Pronto Cucinino make sure you eat the penne primavera it's delicious thank you for asking, and then email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com to tell me how pretty I am!

Jerry Built

 Oh my gosh guys this place is amazing I don't even know where to start. It's located at 3501 Holcombe, which was it's first positive because it's super super close to my apartment, not like that stupid Burger Guys that takes you thirty minutes to drive to. You're right! I should give them +8 for their address because I love them that much!!

OK so we'll start with my first impression so you don't think I've lost all sense of journalistic integrity. I mean I hated this place when I first walked in, because there's a giant cow on their sign that has all of the portions of it's meat marked in dotted lines, like it's up for slaughter. Gosh, what's more Texas than that? +3 But then I walked in and there's just all these boxes of vegetables lying around with signs, so you know which farm they come from and where all your food's from and if it's organic or sustainable or local. You've got to be kidding me guys. They lured me in here thinking I was going to be in a tough, manly establishment, and then it turns out everyone there voted for Obama? -9 And the worst part is, their patties only have 1/4 pound of meat in them. PORTION CONTROL? In a building that marketed themselves to me which a giant steer I thought I was going to get to eat the majority of? This is certainly no Fuddrucker's, where I choose the amount of meat I want to destroy my body with. And the worst part is that in the dining room, there are hanging plants.
Hanging plants! -6 Can you guys imagine anything more hippy-like and awful? But please guys I want you to look past the decor this is the most charming restaurant in America, please bear with them.

I don't want to ruin all the surprises at once, so we'll start out slow. First up we have the soda fountain that I've described to you before, at Fuddrucker's, with the plethora of choices. Look I'd only ever seen this before at the F-Spot, as I like to affectionately call it, but I guess a lot of people read my review because now those things are popping up everywhere! They even have them at Pei Wei now, or as I like to call it the best Chinese restaurant in town! And now at Jerry Built! They have flavored Sprite guys, I had no idea there were more than one flavor of Sprite! They have GRAPE SPRITE at Jerry Built. And you know what I drank? Cherry vanilla coke! Back in my day we were allowed to have Cherry Coke or we could have Vanilla Coke. We couldn't have both! But at Jerry Built, you can finally realize that childhood fantasy and even better, you only have to press one button, not two, and then you don't even have to stir them together with your straw! Oh the simplicity +9

Then it gets better, there's a chalkboard on the wall and you can write whatever you want! +12 Well I don't think you can write ANYTHING you want it seemed like someone had written the b-word on it and then someone else had come by and erased it. But I don't really know anything about that I don't even know what the b-word is, maybe bridgette? Bradley? Bronchitis? I hope I haven't offended anybody by my idle guessing.

But now it's time for us to get to the very best part guys! I just want the excitement to build any longer, but I can't, I'm just going to tell you, they have a handwashing machine there. A machine that washes your hands for you! And not just your hands either! It washes your whole forearm as well so after you eat your burger, you're immediately capable of performing neurosurgery! +8 Oh my gosh you have no idea it's so cool you press a button and then you stick your hands in and then these motors start up and water squirts out and it starts spinning so it's squirting out in a cylindrical fashion and at first it's just water and then it's immediately water and soap and then when it's good and ready the rinse cycle sets in and before you know it, you're completely clean! I hadn't washed my hands since about last Thursday, but boy did that handwashing machine have them looking and smelling clean again! But I STILL haven't told you the best part. The handwashing machine is pretty amazing, but afterwards, after you've washed your hands, you get a sticker that says "My hands are clean" and it has a picture of a pair of hands on it. +9323 Are you kidding me? I get a burger, and clean hands, and a STICKER? Those were all the errands I was going to run that day, all boiled down into one stop! Talk about service guys, I just went home and crawled into bed because I'd accomplished the world and I didn't need to do anything else (just kidding I've been reading Game of Thrones did you guys read it? Oh my GOSH it's amazing)

Anyways. I don't even know if anyone's still reading this, you've probably all already gotten up to run to Jerry Built to wash your hands, but if not you should go! Go! Begone with you! And then email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Spaghetti Western

Did you know that the restaurant next to Spaghetti Western (located at 1608 Shepherd), called Maggie Rita’s, is owned by Carlos Mencia? It’s pretty beside the point but whenever I drive by Maggie Rita’s it’s all I can think about. I mean that guy is awful.

Anywho so Spaghetti Western is kind of like a Southwestern-Italian fusion place. I mean I thought it was pretty good, but can we all stop just a minute and think about what a ridiculous combination that is? Right wasn’t that what that place Cavatore’s was, Texas-Italian? But I think Southwestern-Italian is even worse. I mean what is Southwestern food? Its butchered Mexican, basically, right? Maybe butchered is the wrong word, but one time I was in Wyoming with my grandparents and we went to a “southwestern” restaurant and it was AWFUL. Here in Houston we don’t have a lot of “southwestern” restaurants, we call them by their real name, “Mexican”, and they’re delicious. So all I’m saying is that if you want to advertise your food in a positive way, you’ll call it Mexican-Italian and stay away from that evil word -9. (Speaking of that trip to Wyoming, forgive me Grandma, but this is the best story ever – so guys my grandma like all ladies has a huge crush on Robert Redford, I don’t think anybody can fault her for that. So we went on vacation a couple summers ago to South Dakota to fulfill a childhood dream of mine, and Grandma looked it up, and Sundance, Wyoming is only three hours away from where we were. Three hours isn’t that long after you’ve travelled for days across the nation, and everybody knows Robert Redford lives in Sundance. So we pack up our stuff and we drive into Wyoming and we pull into Sundance and my Grandpa gets out to ask if Robert Redford is in town this time of the year, and maybe we were going to drive up and down the streets and go into the grocery store and maybe run into him, or maybe we’d buy one of those “maps to star’s houses” and find his ranch. I don’t know what Grandma had planned for when we found him but I’d already bought a ring I was going to propose marriage for myself and if he said no maybe I’d burrow underneath the foundations of his house and live there like a raccoon. I mean it’s just a suggestion. But then my Grandpa got back into the car and guess what! Robert Redford lives in Sundance, Utah. We were in the wrong Sundance! We were in the wrong STATE! Oh my gosh, isn’t that silly? And then there wasn’t very much reason for us to be there, so we saw a few sights and then we ate at that crappy “southwestern” restaurant and then we came back to South Dakota. And I think I promised Grandma I wouldn’t tell anyone but now I’ve told the whole Internet. I’m sorry Grandma, I love you.)

Back to Spaghetti Western. Here’s what I thought was silly. So there was a sign there that says you can buy their T-shirts for $15, which I think is kind of a lot for a restaurant T-shirt but guys I don’t make the rules, I just make fun of them later, OK? The thing is, none of their employees were wearing Spaghetti Western T-shirts! One guy was wearing an Angry Birds shirt! Our waiter was wearing a shirt advertising “Jewel Box”, which I think was a different restaurant in California! He was wearing a restaurant shirt, but not one from the restaurant we were eating at! -5 Oh my GOSH that’s silly! I just don’t understand because they HAVE T-shirts for Spaghetti Western, so why wasn’t anybody wearing them?? I can only assume that they refused to wear work shirts so that nobody would know they were waiters so they wouldn’t be expected to refill water glasses or whatever, but they refilled mine four times so they really were on top of things I don’t know what kind of game they were playing! +9 for refilling my water cup so many times but seriously guys, something is obviously amuck here. Look I haven’t seen a lot of western movies, but I assume they’re just like spy movies and obviously somebody is after those waiters. That’s why they don’t want to identify themselves, right? They’re outlaws hiding from the long arm of the law? Plus they didn’t have room for their real clothes in their employee lockers because they’re keeping their boots and their cowboy hats and their horse in them. Not enough room for another T-shirt. OK I’ve talked myself into it I’m not going to refund their “no employee uniform” points but I won’t take any more off.

But here’s what’s REALLY silly. OK guys look I’m very particular about my free appetizers and they put breadsticks on the table when you sit down and these breadsticks look like they’re absolutely DRIPPING in garlic butter but when you bite in, guys, it’s just a trick of the light or something! Like its just shiny bread, it’s not particularly moist OR buttery! I mean come on guys I paid no dollars for those, I expect a certain kind of product, you know? Ugh I just hate thick, bready breadsticks. I want them to be practically limp from all the garlic butter on them. I don’t even care about cheeses or anything else, but seriously guys load me up on those lipids. -4

That’s everything to it. They have surprisingly good rice there, not because the rest of their food is bad that’s not why it’s a surprise, it’s just usually when I eat rice I think “oh, that’s rice” rather than “wow, that’s a tasty food product I’m putting in my belly!” So check them out and then email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com or comment below!

Ninfa's on Navigation

So some of you may know that the sleazy Mexican food chain Ninfa's was actually started in Houston, Texas, and the original location is located at 2704 Navigation. According to their website, they aren't actually affiliated with these other Ninfa's, but in my five minutes of internet research I couldn't find any sordid backstory so I'm just going to continue on believing they're all the same and encourage you to do the same.

Here's the thing. So I used to live in Waco, maybe some of you knew that, and already I know what everybody in Houston is thinking. First of all, Waco is really not that small of a town. Houston is the fourth largest city in America, it is abnormal in its size. Waco has a population of 120,000. For you to call Waco a small town is to admit that you've never actually been to a small town! You have no conception of the style of living that so many Americans experience! A small town is a town in which their only stop light flashes yellow. A small town is a town in which you are related to 95% of your neighbors. Maybe some of you guys should go visit Waco, labelled by USA Today in one very rude newspaper as "Texas's largest bathroom break" before you judge! (Did you hear that? LARGEST bathroom break!) We have at least three Walmarts guys! We have a minority Asian population! -34 for your big city bias! Secondly! I am sick and tired of people suggesting that the only two things to come from Waco are the Branch Davidians and Baylor! Guys! You all owe so much to Waco! Did you know that Dr. Pepper was invented here? Did you know that Steve Martin was born here? Did you know that every Starburst distributed in North America is produced here? Did you know that at the time it was built, the Alico building, the tallest building in Waco, was the tallest building this side of the Mississippi? Did you know that our Hilton was the first Hilton to have air conditioning? Did you know that I lived there for TEN YEARS? So much you owe to Waco, and you treat it like THIS? -98

Where was I going with this? That's right. So anyway. There's a Ninfa's in Waco, and it's in downtown Waco, and the thing is guys, it's kind of a nice Mexican restaurant. I know what you're thinking. There's never going to be a "nice" Mexican restaurant. It's true. But Waco's Ninfa's is the equivalent of Houston's Pappasito's. Honestly guys OK Waco isn't even that big our Ninfa's is the equivalent of Houston's Brenner's. It's not the only nice restaurant in town but it's pretty up there. So you can only imagine how shocked I am by the Original Ninfa's on Navigation! Guys its just a Mexican food restaurant! It's just some nasty hole in the wall in the middle of Second Ward! OK but this is the thing, the Ninfa's in Waco really isn't that good, it's just fancy on the inside and two stories and has exposed brick. But gross looking Mexican food restaurants? They always have the best food! I was so excited!! +23

K guys so here's the thing I went to the Original Ninfa's last Friday and it was pretty early in the afternoon, really around brunch time, we didn't even make it to lunch yet. And the whole place is packed! Let me tell you something about people in Waco: we actually have a work ethic! None of this "oh I'm just going to work a half day on Friday and then tell my boss I have a meeting with a prospective client and then go to Ninfa's for the rest of the afternoon"! Guys it was so packed! -12 Oh my GOSH what do business people in this city DO? All I know is that the restaurant was packed and then later the highways were packed and it was two o'clock in the afternoon, does nobody believe in work ethic and doing your job and stuff like this? All I know is that I'VE been moving all day and I'M still typing this review for you guys because it's Thursday and I owe it to you my loyal fans! All I'm saying is that if people would spend a little more time in their offices and less time in Houston area restaurants I wouldn't have to wait so late to get a table. Is all I'm saying.

But here's what I will say about Ninfa's on Navigation. I was waiting all day long for this table in this restaurant, and if you guys didn't know this about me I get real grumpy when I don't eat. So when my poor patient boyfriend ("Catherine, it'll just be another minute. I think I see some people leaving. No, Catherine, you don't have to cry, I'm sure we'll get a table in a minute... no, please don't cry...")(I'm just kidding guys I don't really cry when I can't get a table that's too reasonable of a reason) and I finally got a table, I fell into that chip basket. I attacked it like a starving lion attacks a herd of zebras. I demolished that basket of chips, AND I made them bring me another one, AND I made them bring me another cups of salsa. Guys, their salsa is so good! The only thing is that it was cold. So this is the biggest rift in mine and Thomas's relationship. We fight about this all the time. Huge, relationship ending fights. "I don't know, I just like it's better when it's cold I guess." "Shut up Thomas! You don't know anything about me! You're not the boss of me! You can't tell me how to live my life!" It's just very sad to watch. The salsa at Ninfa's was cold, but the thing is guys, it was so tasty and delicious and they made me wait so long for it that I might even be a convert. All I know is that I loved that salsa and it was cold and maybe I've changed my ways for forever. +14

That's it. If you're the Waco Visitor's Bureau and are looking for a new employee, feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com, I'll give you whatever facts about our beloved city you need. All you other yahoos can do whatever you want I don't care about your prejudices you can't hurt me.

Shanghai River

Look I love my friends. I mean I only have two (don’t worry, you’re one of them) it’s not like they’re this huge crush on my social calendar, but I mean sometimes I just want to go out by myself and have a Catherine date, treat myself well, buy myself a drink and see how far I can get (sometimes I’m pretty frigid usually I don’t even make it to first base.) So the other day I figured, I need to get away but my planner is too full of stuff to just hang out alone – eureka! I’ll review a restaurant, it’ll be work, I won’t have any fun at all, just straight work, but at least that b word Melissa won’t be trying to talk to me. Anyway so I was driving around town and then I passed Shanghai River at 2407 Westheimer and it hit me – I was craving Chinese food! Look this has literally never happened before. I crave a lot of foods, and I’d say I eat a decent amount of Chinese foods, but I NEVER crave Chinese. It’s just something that kind of happens, just a food that I eat because it’s tasty and China Star is right there on campus. Maybe I crave Jack in the Box’s eggrolls, but nobody would try to say that’s actual Chinese food, I mean come on guys, let’s be serious. So since this is the first time it’s happened I wasn’t going to say no, I swang right into the parking lot.

Here’s the thing. It’s a huge restaurant. Every Chinese restaurant has the same menu, and I hate to be so callous, but every Chinese restaurant tastes the same, too. There was no way they were ever going to fill that whole dining room, I mean people just eat the Chinese food that’s closest, that’s just how it works. Either way they have this huge, like, four part dining room. I say a table for one and they take me into this little alcove and plop me down next to this other guy who’s eating by himself. The whole dining room available, and they sit me down next to the only other table for one. It wasn’t an alcove, it was a stable. A table for one stable. To hide all of us embarrassments. +9 Because the thing is I think they were just being friendly! Oh, here’s this old guy here all by himself, I wonder who’ll want to sit next to him... we’ll put this twenty one year old girl in the table next door! They’ll get along spiffy! It’ll be the romance of the ages!! I mean I didn’t talk to the guy he looked kind of creepy and I’d specifically come here to eat by myself, but guys it’s the thought that counts.

Here’s the thing. I have this really huge purse and it is so heavy because it’s chock full of things to read. I have magazines, the book section of the New York Times from over a month ago, newspapers, Melissa’s diary, twelve or so books.... I mean I’m going to have serious back problems one of these days, but it’s just for times like these. So I’m sitting there eating my foods, reading The Headhunters by Jo Nesbo, enjoying myself, when suddenly I’m sucked into the conversation of the girls in front of me.

“Are you really worried about what kind of mother I’m going to be?” the pregnant one shrieks.

The other one – her sister? Her friend? Replies, “I’m just not sure how you’re going to be able to do all the things you want to do with a kid.”

She responsibly retorts, “Well, when I have a second, they can kind of take care of each other, right?”

Her friend replies, “I thought you said you were only going to have one!” in a really dismayed tone. Like that was what she should be upset about! That her friend was being inconsistent, rather than the fact that her friend was only popping out kids to alleviate her parental responsibility! -8

I obviously put my book down. I mean don’t get me wrong, Mr. Nesbo is a wonderful writer, but it wasn’t his best work and this was way more interesting. Shortly after, another pair of women appear with a young child. The non-pregnant girl obviously knows them, they chat about boring things, and then they get on the topic of Facebook. Mrs. Non-Pregnant is complaining about how she should take a lot of stuff off her Facebook, because she’s afraid it’s unprofessional.

I obviously zone out for a moment, drunk on this information. What does Mrs. Non-Pregnant have on her Facebook that’s so unprofessional? She seemed so matronly, so staid. I don’t know what that word means, but she definitely seemed so. Pictures of her snorting coke off a strippers butt? Status updates about Satanism? Proof of the affair she had with John Edwards? But the drama continued, my flight of fancy had to end. I come back into the conversation only to hear one of the new women, the one with the accompanying young child, say, “I go on there an awful lot for a grown up.” She paused a moment, as if just as horrified as I about what she’d just said. “I go on there an awful lot for a grown up,” she repeated, louder, more frantic, as if repeating it would make it go away. For a grown up? I’m not sure what was happening here! I’m just saying, there are only two types of people who say “grown up” – actual ADULTS who’d spent far too much time cooped up with their kids, their hair smelling of Crayola’s, their elbows stained with craft paint and glitter glue (who certainly should be at their local bar drinking straight shots rather than at a Chinese place with their kid) and children, who say grown up because they don’t know that adult is the same number of syllables. The horrified tone to her voice suggested she’d never considered herself to be a member of the first category, had always considered herself a hip, cool mom, who made time for herself and read trashy romance novels in the bathtub. The tone of her voice suggested that she was calculating when she last painted her toenails, and the answer was not satisfactory.

Look I’m just saying maybe that’s why they put us in the table for one stable. So we could witness the drama of the young mothers in front of us. +98

My only point is that you should certainly go to Shanghai River but go by yourself in the middle of a school day so you can eavesdrop most productively; email me with your best gossip at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Black Walnut Cafe

Let's just get started right away here guys. The coolest thing about Black Walnut Cafe, located in Rice Village, is that they validate parking for you! What is more awesome than that? Look guys, I hang out in Rice Village all the time, dividing my time between shopping at Half Price Books and standing around, pretending I go to Rice and am majoring in neuroscientology. I'm sure you guys all do the same; you all know how awful it is trying to find a parking spot! But you don't even have to if you go to Black Walnut and you don't have to pay for parking either, the thing I hate most about Houston! They'll let you park in the garage for free! You can have your cake and eat it too guys, truly this is the land of the free +12!

Ok guys I'm going to start with the end of my trip to Black Walnut first, and I need you guys to do me a solid and not tell my mom about this. The thing is after I'd enjoyed my meal and my Coke that I rewarded myself with since its exam week and one of my professors cancelled the last paper, I sorta had to pee. So I head into the bathroom and guess what! The sinks are in pink limestone in the ladies' bathroom! Isn't that so sweet and such attention to detail? +8 Because everyone knows ladies love the color pink! But then I was washing my hands and I got to thinking, what if this isn't special at all? What if this isn't attention to detail? What if when they were building this restaurant, pink limestone was on sale and so that's why they put that in? Its not them being charming, its just them being cheap! Obviously I had to know which it was, I could never trust a restaurant that put pink limestone in the mens' bathroom. I'd come with two of my roommates and as far as I know, none of us are dudes... it was up to me. I had to do it. I checked to make sure nobody was looking. I scanned my eyes across the dining room, checking for all exits, so I'd know how to make a hasty retreat after I was caught red handed in the mens' room, inspecting their features. All was safe. I pushed the door open, and there they were - WHITE limestone sinks! Guys, Black Walnut Cafe DOES care about us ladies! They did buy those sinks just for us! +23! And! I didn't get caught sticking my nose in the mens' room! +4!

Here's what's gross about the Black Walnut Cafe. So I ordered the bacon and tomato grilled cheese sandwich like a boss, and it comes with a side salad! Obviously these were the first vegetables I've had that weren't on a burger or fried in a long time, so I was pretty eager to eat them. The thing is, the guy asks, what salad dressing do you want? And obviously I didn't go to the counter prepared, and I ask, I don't know, what kind do you have? Here's the dressings they list on the menu: tomato savory, asiago blue cheese, honey mustard, mango cilantro, caesar, ranch, lemon, and Otis. That's what was listed on the menu. I swear they listed like seventeen or eighteen more, and then they expect you to come up with an answer! -3 That's right I'm complaining about too many choices! I had to frantically grasp onto the only word I remembered which was cilantro; what I failed to remember was that the preceding word was MANGO. Ugh it just tasted like pureed mangos! That's right guys I inadvertently got not only my vegetable serving of the day but my fruit serving as well!!!! Grossssss! -24!

But there's more! This is the best part. Guys guess what! They don't have regular chairs at Black Walnut Cafe! I mean they do, at the lame tables. But they also have armchairs! Armchairs that you can sit in! Doesn't that sound so sweet? So charming? Its like a British tea room! +21! You can just sit there and nosh and talk about how cool Margaret Thatcher is and how much you love crumpets! And other British things! And you're in Rice Village so its even smarter and more pretentious!

That's everything!! I'm too busy being really famous to write reviews anymore, but you can let me know all about how much you love me in the comments below or at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!