Rainforest Cafe

Gosh guys, you know what’s a great restaurant? Rainforest Cafe. I went there for my twentieth birthday with my grandparents and was very surprised to see that they didn’t have their Zagat rating displayed anywhere, but perhaps they were just being modest.

At any rate, if you guys haven’t been to one of these classy taverns, you need to get your bottom into high gear. All around the restaurant, they have these animatronic animals, and they’re always moving, and then every thirty minutes or so they go really wild, shaking their arms, making their animal noises, eating raw wildebeests. +12 I’m not sure if all Rainforest Cafes are the same, I’ve only ever been to one of them, but the one I went to there was a mother tiger and two baby cub tigers. That’s three tigers, for those of you who never learned simple arithmetic! Three tigers, all living in one tiny restaurant!

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not an idiot guys. I know they aren’t real tigers. Obviously nobody in the world is tough enough to capture a momma tiger and her two babies. Maybe a momma tiger, probably a baby tiger, but not the matched set. It just wouldn’t happen. Tigers are too fearless and awesome to let that sort of thing happen, it’s just a fact. Either way, to have three tigers real or fake I think is a testament to Rainforest Cafe’s understanding of how awesome this species is. No other species was displayed in such force. Well I mean there were lots of fish on the walls in the bathroom but excepting Melvin the beta fish I think we can all agree that fish aren’t that awesome. All they do is blow bubbles out of their mouths and poop out chunks of things! They’re the most popular girl in high school of the animal world – fun to look at, but after graduation, you really aren’t interested in taking her home with you. I’ll go to the aquarium, you know, I’ll look at fishes until my eyes bleed, but not when there are three tigers in just the other room to look at, do you get my drift? All I’m saying is there’s a hierarchy of awesomeness and tigers are at the top, and fish are underneath at least polar bears and platypuses and whales. At least. And I appreciate Rainforest Cafe’s understanding of that. +9

The other thing is, this is just a rumor I heard, but word on the street is that they have a dessert at Rainforest Cafe that has sparklers in it! A cake with sparklers in it! How has this been allowed to happen in this nation, guys? Those sparklers could be so dangerous! Didn’t you ever see Smokey the Bear, guys? In his television and magazine ad campaigns? Only you can prevent forest fires! That you is the plural kind, Rainforest Cafe! It refers to you as well! And here you are, lighting SPARKLERS in a RAINFOREST! -18 I guess you were a little confused because it said rainforest instead of just forest, but a rainforest is a forest! It is! That means it’s at risk for forest fires! Don’t you ever watch the weather channel? Even strong rains are often not enough to put out these fires! They often need to just finish burning everything in their path until they’ve run out of things to burn, and then they allow themselves to go out on their own! Everything in their path is a lot, guys, especially in a rainforest. There are so many endangered species that call those areas home, and we need to protect them! Think of all the science in those trees! I was never very good at science so I can’t paint a very good picture for you, you’re gonna have to do it yourself! This is a public service announcement, guys! When you go to Rainforest Cafe, don’t order the cake with the sparklers in it, it’s dangerous and it ruins lives!

Whew. I was getting pretty stressed out there, I think I need a Valium. But I’ll push on for the good of America. In the front of their store, they have an entire gift shop! You guys know how much I love merchandising in stores. I think it’s because my own feeble attempts at merchandising my famous food blog arbitrarycriticism.com have met a wall. But also, if I can be honest with you guys, it’s because I’ve always been afraid that I’m a bit of a hoarder. Not like the kind on TLC. Well actually yes, like the ones on TLC, but in Extreme Couponing, not on Extreme Hoarders. The thing is, it makes me feel really safe to have a lot of things. That way when I run out of something, there’s a backup waiting in a closet or a drawer. I’m really inspired by those guys on Extreme Couponing, with their bunkers. This one guy had like a thousand things of toothpaste! I’m not that bad guys, by contrast, I have four things of toothpaste. Six bars of soap. Eighteen packages of AA batteries. Two backup containers of bubble bath. This is just in my bathroom, guys. I’m just saying I don’t think I have a problem YET, but if I ever go throw a major shock in my life, like getting held at gunpoint or something, it could turn into one. So this isn’t a plea for help, not yet, but it could be one. My point is, these people who merchandise, it gives me the same sense of safety to see lots of things in a restaurant as it does to see lots of things in my medicine cabinet. That’s how much I love restaurants, they make me feel like I’m in my own home. And for them to have fifteen of the same T-shirt lined up there, well that just makes me feel safe! They’re never going to run out of that T-shirt! Fifteen people can buy it before they run out! +19

You know I don’t have fifteen of the same anything. All I’m saying is that if anybody has a problem it’s Rainforest Cafe, so maybe you should be running down their tail!

Maggie Rita's

I'm sure some of you are familiar with Maggie Rita's, the Tex-Mex restaurant started here in Houston by not very funny Latino comedian Carlos Mencia. We've all heard the comparison, for example, between his food and his jokes. The way you notice, once you order, that "queasy" and "queso" have only a two letter difference. (That's the kind of thing Carlos Mencia thinks is really funny). Anyways they're going out of business like hot cakes, and I figured if I was going to hop on the bandwagon and complain about Maggie Rita's too I'd better get on it before they were all gone.

Here's the thing guys: I didn't have any real kind of problem with Maggie Rita's. It was just like all other Tex-Mex restaurant but more expensive. I'm twenty-two. I'm from Waco. I wouldn't appreciate authentic food if it came up and bit me on the nose (I mean that's kind of a silly thing to say, I wouldn't appreciate anything that bit my nose, that's just mean). I went to the one on San Felipe and instantly diagnosed why they were going out of business - it was a massive restaurant with enough ceiling room for a person four times my size, but only like ten parking spots! How can you fill a restaurant if nobody can park! I'm just saying guys this is Houston it's not like people are going to walk or ride these bikes to this kind of joint. If there's three people going to the restaurant together and two of them live in the same neighborhood, they're going to take three cars. They need three separate parking spots. At Maggie Rita's, that's like, the entire lot they've already filled. And then there's a Dessert Gallery next door. I'm sure that place gets backed to the gills every night, so that further displaces patrons. I'm just saying they got what they deserved. -12

Here's my other complaint. So I ordered the tortilla soup because it cost less than $20, and then they brought it to me and it was a bowl of chicken and tomatoes and broth and then there was a separate plate with my tortilla strips and cheese and avocados. I'm just saying, most of the reason I go to restaurants is so other people will make my dinner for me. I don't want to show up and put my own ingredients inside my soup, that's what I'm paying somebody else to do. -10

Like I said those were my only two real complaints. I even liked the soup, I thought it tasted good. There was this really pretty painting of the Mona Lisa, it was just her face and it was all done in blues and greens. +20 Maybe when this location goes out of business I'll buy that painting for real cheap on the side of the road. Do restaurants have garage sales? Like in their front yard, in their garage? Like do they post signs? It's not too far from my apartment I wonder if I'll see the signs posted at the corner of my block. I just really liked that painting, you know? The thing is I don't know where I'd put it in my apartment, I have several blank walls in my apartment, but it's kind of a long painting, you know, real tall, the only thing is on those blank spots, like I have a book shelf underneath, or my desk or my dresser or something. It's just not enough space all at once. I'd have to completely rearrange all my furniture and the only problem with that is I'm a bit of a slob, so to rearrange all my furniture I'd have to completely clean my room and there's a pizza box underneath my bed that's been there for a while that I'd have to throw away... it just kind of seems like a hassle. Maybe I could put it in the kitchen... but then it would get, like, oil and stuff on it when I cook, I feel like that stuff gets in the air, you know, and it would ruin the painting... you know what, forget it, I'll figure it out.

I also like that when they bring you chips and salsa, it's not just tortilla chips, it's also plantain chips. Oh my gosh it's so good, dipping plantains in salsa, because they're kind of sweet and I like to put a lot of salt in my salsa, so these are my three favorite flavors: sweet, salty, and spicy spicy spicy! +54 I just think it's really clever, nobody's ever done this for me before. Maggie Rita's is real sweet.

Like I said I actually really liked Maggie Rita's. Look I'm never going to go back there again, don't get me wrong, but I'm just the unsophisticated audience they're looking to prey upon. If anyone wants to go there with me email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Witchcraft

For those of you who aren't as hip on the restaurant scene as I am, Witchcraft is the new restaurant that just opened in the Heights, replacing the Dragon Bowl. I'm pretty cutting edge I know. I thought about name dropping the fact that I personally know Ken Bridges, but considering that I only know him from working at Pink's Pizza for a year and a half and not in any cool, food writer kind of way, I think I'll stay away from that. I liked the restaurant alright, but I noticed a few questions that I'd like to raise with you, my viewing audience.

Here's what really got to me: why is it called Witchcraft? Look my boyfriend told me that it was a craft beer and sandwich place, which would make sense, especially if they'd spelled it "Wichcraft" (which they didn't.) Anyway so we got there and they sell craft beer alright, which is cool except I don't like beer at all, but there were no sandwiches on the menu at all! There were burgers and things, but it wasn't called Burgercraft! I also would have accepted this if they'd played nothing but the theme song to the TV show Bewitched and then maybe the soundtrack to the Will Ferrell movie based off of it. But they didn't. The only thing I could come up with is that it was kind of dimly lit in there and they had some heavy, deep green curtains, which seemed kind of witch-y in that if they fell on top of you they looked like they'd suffocate you. Plus our server had long hair, and everyone knows that witches have long hair. Look it's just the Dragon Bowl had such a cool name and this one sucks. -12 Sorry to use such strong language, that does seem kind of mean to say.


Here's the other thing. What's this small plate stuff I'm seeing everywhere. It seems to me that it's just an excuse to pay more money to eat less food, with the only benefit that smaller things, historically, have looked cuter. While I will agree that this works with things like kittens and puppies, I saw a behind the scenes look at foot binding and I'm against it. Here's a list I've compiled for you of things I prefer in a larger size:
1. Diamonds
2. Bottles of tequila
3. Feather pillows
4. Minivans (kind of counter-intuitive, I know, since it has the word "mini" in it, but trust me go big or go home on minivans)
5. Plates of food
I just don't even understand where the desire for this sort of thing comes in. I mean this is Texas, right? Bigger is better? Isn't that a thing people say here? So I'm not really into small plates. I'm into plates as heaped with food as they possibly can be. -9

My final critique is more constructive than anything else. I mean I think we can work through this, with enough cans of Febreeze. Personally I like the Thai Dragonflower flavor, that comes in a pink bottle; alternatively you can try the orange candles they sell at IKEA, they smell pretty awesome too. The only problem is that they lined the walls with these I assume cedar planks, I don't really know guys, I'm not a lumberjack, I can't just tell you what kind of wood things are. Anyway the restaurant to me smelled kind of like the inside of a gerbil's cage. Not like, after you've been on vacation for a week or so and he's been living on his own, but like when you first get a gerbil and everything's new and smells like gerbil chips. That's what it smelled like to me. It wouldn't be a big deal except my roommate has a guinea pig and I happen to be very frightened of that whole area of rodentry. Actually most areas of rodentry, though I will admit that mice are one of the things that are cuter the smaller they are. Anyway I'm not even going to assign a number to this gerbil smell just because I'm sure it will go away.

The burgers were very good there, I just recommend that you don't go expecting any kind of witch-y theme because you will be disappointed. Also I didn't actually try the small plates, I just complained about them. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!