The Blue Fish

I took my parents to the Blue Fish a couple weeks ago. Actually that's not very accurate, my parents took me to the Blue Fish, I don't want you to think I don't like sushi but as sophisticated as I get is Kroger brand over HEB. I'm just saying one time I wanted to do a blog on a sushi restaurant so I had to type "sushi restaurants in Houston" into Google and then I just went to Calliope's Po-Boy instead. It's not that I don't love Japanese food it's just I don't get any cooler than Pei Wei.

Anyway The Blue Fish is downtown, located at 550 Texas Street, across from Wortham theater, and according to their website thebluefishsushi.com, they have a free iPhone app available. I didn't download it, but it's still +9 points for being cool and trendy. Rather than download it or put any more effort into it, I'll just come up with my own ideas of what's on it: a different picture of a blue fish every day, instructions on how to make your own sushi, definitions of Japanese words like "sashimi" and "chopsticks". I've digressed, but I'd wanted to say something here about how, unlike being hipster and trendy like most of the restaurants I go to, it's an urban professional and trendy restaurant. +7 to myself for moving slowly up in the world. Soon I'll trade my Tom's for wing-tipped shoes or whatever it is that people who have real jobs wear on their feet when they go to work. I'm just kidding I don't have Tom's I obviously think it's tacky to care about third world children.

So the Blue Fish has the second bar I've been to since turning 21 a couple weeks ago. We arrived during happy hour, which is from 4:30 to 7, and for the first time I realized that that's not JUST the one free hour you have between your nine o'clock class and your eleven o'clock class. It's an actual time in the world in which drinks and food items are priced lower than normal! I had my first apple-tini (+19 for classiness though -3 for forgetting to order it shaken not stirred) and I'm just waiting for summer break to try out for my position on Sex in the City. However while we were waiting outside for our table there was an 8 year old sipping from his mother's wine glass and I'm sorry to inform you guys that the Blue Fish is home to a young lush, it's sad to watch them tromp down the path of alcoholism at such a young age.

My fingers are getting pretty cold so in a moment we're going to start just hitting the high points, but before we get that far I'd like to tough it out and get into the really hard hitting stuff, the seating in this bar slash restaurant. Outside they had some wicker furniture for patrons to sit in while waiting for the establishment to open (the restaurant is open Monday through Friday for lunch, 11-2, and then again for dinner at 5. The front door didn't have a closing time and neither does their website so I assume they never do). Normally when I think of wicker furniture I think of Cracker Barrel, and I rarely sit in anything comfortable there. This wicker furniture, however, had surprisingly soft cushions in them and while I'm singing praise I'll throw out to you that said cushions were a very attractive blue shade. +9 and +7 respectively. Inside the restaurant, my family and I chose to sit in the bar area to enjoy our apple-tinis and California rolls. Imagine this: instead of actual seats, they have armchairs! I know! In a restaurant! Imagine if I'd dropped some soy sauce on mine, it certainly would have stained! But at the Blue Fish, they don't give a gosh darn! They just want you to be as comfortable as possible! +98 for their excellent awareness of exactly what I want in a restaurant: the same disregard for my eating habits as I have in my own home.

As promised to my poor tired cold fingers, here are the high points: Behind the bar, they have a really cool backsplash that's of a bunch of blue fish swimming. In my apartment, we have a really cool backsplash with speckles of all the food we've prepared this year. (I'm totally joking my roommates are way neater than that) +8. Their wasabi, in addition to being very flavorful, was shaped in tiny ice cream scoops which made me wonder how it was prepared and their ginger was white! Have you ever seen white ginger? Me either! +11! Outside the front of the building they did have some palm trees blowing around in the Houston wind. I wasn't really a fan of this, I'm not afraid of confessing to you, my interested readers. I mean, this is Houston, guys. Not Florida. Not California. Not even that house a couple blocks from the one I used to live in! The backsplash I could handle, the underwater themed lighting I could handle, the app that provides you (once again I assume) with a different picture of a blue fish every day I could handle, the sensation of swimming instead of walking that everybody feels after one apple-tini too many I could handle, but palm trees? Trying way too hard. -25.

All and all, though, it was a delicious restaurant, and if you're looking for sushi in Houston and Kroger's closed, definitely try the Blue Fish before Google searching "sushi in Houston" and then going to Calliope's Po-Boys instead, the Blue Fish is way better. Actually don't bother, like I said I don't know when the Blue Fish closes but if Kroger's closed the world has ended so you might as well curl up in your basement with your hurricane rations and wait it out. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Niko Niko's - Market Square Park

This goes along with Dot's Diner as being one of those restaurants I just can't hold out on anymore. This Niko Niko's is a stand in Market Square Park, downtown, at the intersection of around Preston and the one after Main, you know the road. It's obviously owned by the same people who own the Midtown Niko Niko's, but they have a much smaller menu. One time I went to Niko Niko's - this is my favorite Niko Niko's story - and this woman came up to my date and I asking if we had any change. "I'm not going to spend it on food or anything," she told us. "I'll be real honest, it's my birthday, and I'm going to spend it on some weed." It's just refreshing that the Niko Niko's homeless people are so much more honest than the UH homeless people or that guy who always hangs out at the Shell station on Buffalo Speedway. +8

Anyways so I took my parents here on Monday and there were no homeless people. +3 There was a Segway tour however (-6) which I thought was silly. What are you going to do on a Segway in downtown Houston? "Hey guys, these are all the places that nobody famous has ever stayed or been." Ooh they could go by the old Enron building that's always a good stop on any notoriety tour of Houston. Other than that though the only people who live in Houston are the newly rich oil tycoons who haven't had a chance to move to New York and also people who own restaurants and people who work in restaurants. And also people who own Segway tours.

Back to the review however, like I mentioned before Niko Niko's is in Market Square park. There's a kiosk where you can buy your food and then they have tables and a bit of a covered patio but the cover has holes in it so I never understood its function to be anything but decorative, but whenever I want to look at something decorative I look at the weird sculptures they keep there or the September 11th memorial, not the fake roof on their patio. I don't want to sound critical though, what, do you think the name of my blog is arbitrary criticism, or something? I just wanted to use my blog's name to boost my Google SEO scores. So anyway as I was saying there's no protection from the elements here in Market Square Park and it was a very windy day. Not to mention, I'd describe the air as having a chill in it! A chill and a breeze? Look Niko Niko's I didn't drive SEVERAL blocks from my house (ride really, my father was driving) just to sit in a park on an overcast day. I sit in parks on sunny days, on days when, after I've finished my meal, I can get up and admire a nice golden tan creeping across my usually pale flesh. Yes, I just used the word flesh in a family appropriate blog. Looks like we'll have to boost the rating to mature. I was very disappointed in Niko Niko's especially considering that I had to impress my out of town guests. -23

They have some very climbable looking trees in the park (+8) though I've never climbed them (-6). What's best about Market Square Park though is that they're really a dog park. I mean sure they have events and concerts and things there - I wish I could update you on them, but the printout they have plastered to the side of Niko Niko's went officially out of date November 11 (-11). Mostly, though, it's just a dog park. There's a bowl of dog treats that's always next to the patio so while you're eating delicious Greek food your dog can eat something that probably tastes like dirt. And when I was there on Monday there was this truly adorable little spaniel (+87) and this fat little mutt (+92) that were walking and waddling around the park, respectively. It's nice to have scenery to spot around you other than the pigeons and how trendy the bars across the street are.

Anyway. That's about all the information you need to know about Niko Niko's in Market Square Park. I wholeheartedly recommend it, drop me a line at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Dot's Diner

I'll go ahead and tell you guys that Dot's Diner is my favorite restaurant in Houston. This one time I read a book called Insatiable, by Gail Greene, the New York Times food writer. She said that the hardest part of doing restaurant reviews is that once she reviews a restaurant, there's no reason for her to go back. The newspaper will only pay her to review a restaurant once, and there are so many to do she doesn't have time to review restaurants she's not being paid for. Taking this into consideration, I've tried to hold off as long as possible on my favorite restaurants. This is my ninth post, obviously my will power is pretty lacking.

Reviewing Dot's, however, is turning out to be a lot harder than I thought. I honestly have no idea what it is about them that I like. I've obviously sworn not to mention food to you guys, but I'm pretty sure that's not what I like about it anyway. They're a diner, and there's only so many ways you can provide eggs and hashbrowns. (There's actually only one way: eggs over easy and hashbrowns with salt. If you're hungry you can come over to my apartment and I'll show you how a pro does it.) They do have really good bread that they give you before the meal, but seriously guys you can get bread anywhere, I mean they sell it at HEB. And Kroger, depending on the neighborhood. It's south of the University of Houston a couple exits, at Gulfgate, and that's probably why they're so great to me. You mean somebody else will make me toast 24 hours a day, close enough to find even when my brain's been addled by "studying"? It's like House of Pies, but NOT the most obnoxious place on the planet! +76 for not being House of Pies.

Anyway. So I went about a week ago and I got their lunch special and it was pretty delicious, but you can get delicious food anywhere. Here's what makes Dot's Diner great:

For one thing, we went on a Saturday morning and for once we had to wait for a table. They didn't give me one of those obnoxious vibrating buzzer things, they just gave me a number. Here's what it said: "Please be aware that seating numbers may not always in numerical order, but often skip around depending on table availability." Look I don't want you to think I'm some kind of grammar Nazi. That's for hippies and people who teach eleventh grade English (that means you, Mrs. Alvarado. I miss you.) I'm just saying this isn't their only typo. On their menu their lunch specials go from #5 to #7. What happened to item number 6? Obviously it went the same place as their verb did, that's all I'm saying. But I don't think it's a bad thing. When "studying" has you down, it's important to go someplace that's just as confused and destroyed by proper English as you are. +7

It's December, and you my faithful readers know how enchanted I've been by everyone's Christmas decorations. Dot's Diner has turned their shrubbery into Christmas trees, wrapping them in brightly colored lights so as to get into the spirit of the times. They've also given their trees a bit of a trim into more of a Christmas-y shape; it's not that their trees aren't normally pointed it's just that they aren't usually trimmed. On the inside there's even more Christmas, with boughs and balls and all sorts of things hung festively over the kitchen. It was alright, but I think they could have gone farther if you ask me. It was a bit haphazard and if we're really grading honestly, they only get a +1 for remembering what month it is. By golly, I want people to be pulling out all the stops this holiday season. I'm looking for waitresses dressed in Santa costumes, for cooks with antler headbands on that light up (not that I have my own pair or anything like that), for reindeer patiently taking up half the parking lots out back. I mean come on, didn't these people see Elf? If we're not Christmas-y enough, Santa won't be able to deliver our presents! I've worked myself into a lather. -10

On the bright side however their normal decorations are quite fun to look at. Along one whole wall they have a stained glass window of ducks in flight. As a matter of fact the whole restaurant has a kind of church-y feel, with steepled roofs and people giving you disapproving looks for swearing loudly. I like to think this is because they're trying to appeal to the Sunday morning crowd. People are so caught up after Mass (or whatever you heathens do) that they aren't ready to acclimate to the regular world; Dot's is here to be the transition from church to regular daily life. Maybe it has a similar role Saturday nights, transitioning you from partying to churching. I wouldn't really know myself, I'm usually studying. +12 for convincing you guys

Anyways like I said Dot's is one of my favorite restaurants, especially if you're really hungry. The portions are enough to feed a family of cows for weeks, though I wouldn't really recommend it I think cows are only supposed to eat, like, grass and grains and things like that. I definitely recommend it, and if you try it out, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com

Hubcap Grill

If you've ever been to downtown Houston and haven't seen the Hubcap Grill then you probably shouldn't be driving, what with the amount of attention you're paying to your surroundings and all. The Hubcap Grill is located at 1111 Prairie, and as it's covered in hubcaps, I've obviously wanted to go ever since I first moved to Houston and drove by it, lost, on my way to a different restaurant. (Haha that was I joke I never get lost haha haha haha) I ate their guacamole Swiss burger and my dining companion tried their sticky burger, which grossly sounding is a burger with crunchy peanut butter, bacon, and American cheese. Both were very good, but obviously none of you are interested in the food.

I guess I'll start with the decor of the place. What I'm mostly interested in is how they came up with the name, Hubcap Grill. The whole front of the restaurant is covered in Hubcaps, there are hubcaps in the restaurant itself.  Their small outdoor patio had hubcaps lining the walls. Every time I type the word hubcap I'm convinced I'm misspelling it. What I wonder is, what came first, the idea or the hubcaps? I really want to believe that this guy had a collection of hubcaps and his wife was out in the garage every day, complaining and nagging, telling him that he had to get rid of his hubcaps or she was going to leave him. So what does he do? He opens a restaurant. A great burger restaurant. And then, I assume, trades the wife in for a much younger one who doesn't complain over stupid things like a hubcap collection. The thing that's so great, however, is that he doesn't just stop at the exterior. Inside, there's even a whole clock that's shaped like a hubcap. A whole interior decoration that's a hubcap as well! +19 for the hubcaps for sure.

Another thing that I like is that the menu names specify only what the food itself is. Sometimes theme names can be very nice, very funny, really tie together the concept of a restaurant. Other times, however, they're just cheesy, cliche, over done. I think at Hubcap Grill novelty names would have very easily gone cheesy (get it? Because it's a burger restaurant and there's cheese on everything? MAN that's a good pun) and I'm glad they spared us. (Get it? Like a spare tire? Geez I'm on a roll!) Their menu items are only things like "Philly cheese steak burger" and "mushroom Swiss burger" and "jalapeno cheeseburger". I'm just saying, it easily could have gone bad, as all my great hilarious puns in this paragraph have shown. +8

Hubcap Grill is located in a very tiny building - actually that's one of the things I think is cutest about it. It's located next to a big, wide red building that I think they're turning in to a Target (coincidentally - a Target, guys! Downtown! Suddenly I have a reason to go to downtown that doesn't include eating or being pretentious! This is probably the only way to revive the flagging Houston downtown culture! Putting low cost sweaters and all the cute summer dresses I need three minutes closer to my apartment. Thanks, Target!) and a really tall yellow building that's probably bail bonds or whatever else people do in the downtown area. It's a tiny speck on the geography of Prairie street. It looks like one of the other buildings put it out to the curb but the garbage only picks up large trash on Fridays and so by the time they came round for Hubcap Grill it was already a restaurant and they couldn't get rid of it. Anyway, the point of this paragraph is that one of the tables had a sign on it that said: "We only have a few tables, so please don't linger any longer than necessary! Thank you for your understanding!" Oh man I loved it. I hate customers who linger. You can talk by your car or at your own house. I think that the real exercise this blog is doing for me is giving me all these great tips for the restaurant I'll open myself one day, and these passive aggressive signs are the top of my list, the very top. I just really, really do love a restaurant that's willing to put the needs of it's employees over the needs of their customers - I think it's a really good management strategy and I can tell you as an employee that a happy employee is a happy customer. So thanks for looking out for little guys everywhere, Hubcap Grill: +56

I'm just going to go ahead and talk about food again, even though I always swear to you guys I won't. OK. So I'd obviously never complain about a burger having too many toppings. This isn't really a complaint about the restaurant at all, so much as the fact that somewhere along the line I never learned how to eat food. As I stated earlier, I tried the guacamole Swiss burger and it was unbelievably delicious. Avocados aren't really cheap, and so usually when restaurants tell you there's guacamole on their food it's a tablespoon that they very carefully measured and didn't bother to scrape clean on your food. This burger had at least a gallon of guacamole poured on the top of it, and they used a really soft, tasty bread for the bun. For a normal human being I think this would probably be alright, and indeed it was delicious. Man I can't believe I just said indeed. Anyway, so the bun easily tears beneath my ravenous, searching teeth, and then I have this whole mess of guacamole to deal with. I mean it got everywhere. I had guacamole all over my face, all over my hands. I'm still licking it off my fingers, six hours later. (That was a joke I've obviously washed my hands since guys, come on) Plus the burger was really juicy, so I had burger juices running down my arms. I mean I was a real mess. Once my mother, exasperated, asked me if I would eat like this if I ever had dinner with the President of the United States. I mean for one thing I don't think we'd have dinner at the Hubcap Grill, since they're only open until three, plus I pay the President's salary (or theoretically will, once I start actually paying my taxes instead of just applying for refunds). I'm just saying. It's not the President she should be worried about. My poor boyfriend, however. I can't help but think that it's only fun to watch somebody pick guacamole out of their hair and rub it off their shirt and scrape it off their back and dab it off the ceiling and smudge it off the owner's nose for a while. Then it's just disgusting. -200 for my deplorable dinner manners.

Anyways if anybody's looking for a good burger, try the Hubcap Grill, but don't linger for too long, they only have a few tables. In case you're wondering, no, nobody's ever emailed me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Tacos A Go-Go

I'll just go ahead and start out criticizing (just like a woman). My biggest concern with Tacosagogo is how stupid their name is. I mean I think tacosagogo is catchy and fun to say, but it's impossible to remember where all the spaces and uppercase letters and dashes go! If you're going to have a name like tac osa-go-go, you should be consistent about this sort of thing and they just aren't and it makes them impossible to write any sort of coherent blog post about. -13

But some background on the joint. TaCos a GogO is located at 3704 Main Street, which puts it at the only trendy street in all of downtown Houston. The only trendy block, I'd actually go as far as to say. They also just recently opened a new store at 2912 White Oak in the Heights, which I haven't actually been to yet. Their hours are what I want to warn you about, however: they're open Monday through Thursday 7 am to 10 pm, Friday 7 am to 2 am, Saturday 8 am to 2 am, and Sunday 9 am to 3 pm. It's all very confusing and if you're like me and everybody else in college and crave tacos late at night, make sure you time your cravings so they only happen when tacoSag Ogo is open. Or go to Taco Cabana I guess.

OK so I have a lot of ground to cover so I'll just go ahead and get started with the decor. Tacos-A-Go-Go is decorated with what I like to call the "white people Mexican" style. There are some very trendy paintings of luchador masks in the Warhol style on the wall. A huge statue of the Virgin Mary hangs over the kitchen, which I think is probably more creepy for the kitchen staff than inspiring for the clientele. Dia del Muerte skeletons line the walls and there are movie posters for Mexican movies that I've certainly never heard of, let alone watched. But if you were confused by any of this, unsure what kind of restaurant this is, they have the crowning glory: salt and pepper shakers made out of Corona bottles. That's it, guys. It's authentically Mexican. +12

Except of course it's not. I obviously don't eat at authentically Mexican restaurants, they aren't trendy enough and don't have copies of free press Houston in the corner, which is obviously how I decide if I'm going to eat somewhere or not. My favorite part of ta-co-sa-go-go is their dessert tacos. I know I keep promising to stop talking about food and I keep talking about food, but srsly guys, dessert tacos? It's just a great concept! I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but they have a cookies and cream dessert taco that's a Hershey's cookies and cream bar melted in a taco with whipped cream on the top. I'm not going to tell you whether or not the food's good (obviously it is though) but I will grade them on how great of an idea it is to put chocolate bars on tacos. +14

OK I'll admit it to you guys. I've been definitely getting into the holiday spirit. Christmas is probably my favorite time of the year, because my birthday is in December for one thing, but also just because I love the season! What's not to like about buying people presents and drinking hot chocolate and riding escalators in the mall while wearing mittens and listening to the same six Christmas songs on the radio for a whole month? I'm happy to report that tacos A GO-GO definitely got into the holiday spirit. Their bathroom is fantastic! For one thing, obviously with hours like theirs three days a week they cater to the drunk crowd. The poster on their bathroom wall recommending a designated driver had Santa's sleigh and admonished: Don't drive if you're tipsy, buzzed, or Blitzen. Blitzen! Have you ever heard of a better euphemism? Blitzen! Who wouldn't love to get Blitzen on spiced rum! I hadn't even had a drink and I was inspired to call a cab! But it gets so much better! On the mirror in front of their sink, they'd stenciled a pair of antlers. Antlers! If you leaned your head in the right direction, it looked like you WERE Blitzen! Oh man. It was so festive. +600

Just one last commentary: the door to their storage room was open behind my dining companion's head, and I could see their work calendar clearly the whole time we were conversing. (No, Thomas, I was staring into your eyes the whole time!) Anyway. Here's the best part of this: The calendar they were using was from their supplier, Ditta Meat Food Service Company. However, despite the fact that this is apparently a meat supply company, the picture for December was of a pair of pastries. False advertising for Ditta Meat Food Service Company, -4 The bravery of taCOSAGOgo for living through this horror, +9. You truly are the heroes.

There are lots of other good and bad things about Tacos A Go-Go, but mostly you'll just have to go there and figure them out yourself. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to forward them to arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Late Nite Pie

Despite the number of employees from this wonderful restaurant that I've known, and the number of stories I've heard about the hijinks they get up to in this delightful establishment, I decided to brave Late Nite Pie at 302 Tuam. As an employee of the pizza industry, I've long been interested in Houston pizzerias and when I first found employment at Pink's Pizza, I vowed I'd try ever pizza in Houston and decide for myself if we really did have the best pizza in Houston. A year into my employment and I'm finally ready to start. Late Nite Pie is open only from the hours of five at night to three in the morning, and I've never heard anything good about the working conditions there. That being said, when I went they were under new management and new ownership, so it's possible that they're a bit more reputable than in years past.

I'd like to start out by saying that this is the sketchiest place I've ever been into. They'd been open for about two hours by the time we got there, but I'm pretty sure we were the first order of the night. Half the restaurant was still completely dark, the lights off, chairs still on tables. The seats of all the booths were ripped, and I think about half their light bulbs were out.My impression of Late Nite Pie was that they were the place you went to when the bars kicked you out, but they actually are a bar as well. Besides us there were four or five other people, two of which were under the age of seven. Seriously? Who takes their six year old to a bar at seven o'clock on a Wednesday? I think one of them was the proprietors daughter, and she was unbelievably adorable. She had bangs that would make Zooey Deschanel jealous and a Hello Kitty jacket that did make me jealous. -5 for improper parenting but +5 for her awesome fashion sense.

I'll go ahead and skip to the best part of the restaurant. Like every place in the world that can't afford their own artwork, Late Nite Pie exhibits artists' work on their walls to give them exposure and the chance for you to buy their work. The picture beside our booth was a picture of: a tiger! Beautiful, majestic, fierce and usually hungry, tigers are my favorite animal. I like everything about tigers. How cuddly they are, how long their whiskers are, the size of their paws. I like their stripes and I like their noses. Last week, YouTube told me I could skip this ad in six seconds but I watched all two and a half minutes of it because there were tigers in it. I feel like Late Nite Pie knew I was coming, and invited Celeste Mist to post this wonderful color pencil drawing next to our booth just for me! I wrote her phone number down to post here for possible Christmas gift ideas for me from you, my adoring fans, but the more I think about it, the more I realize the Internets might be the one place in the world sketchier than Late Nite Pie. +3890 for the beautiful artwork. Another +7 for the painting I thought was of JFK at first glance but turned out to be James Dean.

I hate to get political here but my next points of interest have been interpreted exclusively from my position as an employee of the pizza industry. A thorough inspection of the Late Nite Pie menu left me wishing I'd gotten myself hired there, despite the horrible work hours and almost guaranteed sexual harassment I'd face as an employee there. For one thing, the specialty pizzas they have listed on their menu are clearly labelled "Absolutely no substitutions!". Look, I'm not saying it's difficult to put regular bacon on a pizza instead of Canadian bacon. I'm just saying, I'm a very important person. My thoughts are almost exclusively focused on things way more important than your pizza order, like who Selena Gomez could date that would make her seem way cooler or what color socks to wear tomorrow. There's nothing wrong from a customer service point of view in allowing substitutions, but it would make my job so much easier if we didn't. +8  Work wise, I also respected that they only sold cheese and pepperoni slices at Late Nite Pie. It's my job to load as many toppings (up to four) that you order on your slice of pizza, but I'd really rather not. I'd really much rather get back to my lovely daydream about Charlize Theron becoming my best friend (Sorry Melissa). +6 for lightening their worker's load.As well, they added a bit on their menu that says "Remember, waiters, bartenders, and drivers work for tips! Once again, I completely understand customers not tipping when they only receive counter service. Until I started getting tips as a kitchen workers I didn't even know that that was a thing. Who tips kitchen workers? But considering how much of my income as a college student comes from people understanding that we really aren't a well paid group of people, I certainly respect a person who'll lay down a buck or two as a thank you for service, and I definitely respect a company that will remind their customers that even the employees you usually tip anyway deserve a break every now and then.+11

Like I said, Late Nite Pie is definitely the most sketchy place I've ever been, and since turning 21, I've been to a whole bar, so I've seen some crazy places. But other than that and despite the disgusting stories I've heard from some of the cooks there, Late Nite Pie wasn't a bad place. You'll hear bad stories from any employee of any restaurant. The service was fine and the food tasty. Give it a try, and if you want to do lunch next week, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Calliope's Po-Boy

OK well I'll admit to you guys that with the exception of Chacho's, which I'd never been to before, I've mostly just been reviewing restaurants that I already like. Considering the number of restaurants I like in Houston, that's a trend that's pretty likely to continue for the duration of this blog. To spice it up  a bit for my fifth post, I decided to try a restaurant I'd never been to before: Calliope's Po-Boy. I found it on Urban Spoon after typing in "Best restaurants in Downtown Houston," and guys, seriously, if this is the best downtown Houston has to offer then it's really no wonder nobody ever goes there.

Look it's not like it was a bad place. It was just super mediocre. The food was mediocre and the atmosphere was mediocre, and I'm really nervous that If I don't pull out all the stops here, this blog post is going to be mediocre, too. I mean I was there for probably forty-five minutes. The mediocrity has seeped into my pores and I already exfoliated my face once today, it isn't healthy to do it again.

I will go ahead and share my first impression of the place with you. Calliope's Po-Boy is located at 2130 Jefferson, which is in a fairly sketch part of town. The restaurant itself was in a fairly sketch shopping center. Next to it was an herbal supply store which looked like it had procured a medical marijuana distribution license from California. And yet on the door of the restaurant was as ticker from 022 magazine: "hip. current. cool." They'd been to Calliope's and rated it as hip. current. and cool.! I've never actually read 022 Magazine, though I can see now we're obviously rival ironic restaurant reviewers, and I'm going to have to take all those lessons about Machiavelli I learned in Dr. Collins's Political Theory class last semester against these posers to ensure my limited viewership based exclusively off my Facebook friends reigns triumphant against their actually printed magazine. Either way, I didn't realize that hip, current, and cool people hung out in Third Ward. I mean my understanding was that the only reason Montrose existed was so hip, current, and cool people could overpay for their cocktails and wear their cardigans out of the house. I will admit, though, that shortly after I arrived a young urbanite did wander in after me, his hair combed over to one side and his sweater sporting elbow pads, reminding us that he was going to be doing a lot of gesturing in his lunch time conversations and didn't want to wear his sleeves out. His lunch companion was dressed much more like myself (haven't showered since Wednesday chic) though so I think he was the one who was out of place, not us. +8 for fun, conflicting first impressions

As I said the interior of the restaurant was pretty average, but there was an alligator airbrushed onto one of the windows. The about us section of the menu reminded us that they were named after a street in Louisiana, and their food was traditional Cajun. It's a good thing, then, that they chose to put an alligator on one wall of the restaurant. For one thing, alligators are a pretty fun animal in that they can grow to twice my length and outrun me on land. For another, when I play word association games with Louisiana, this is what I come up with: rampant violent crime rates,  the movie "Skeleton Key", rednecks, terrible roads, trashcans,and a couple of racist things I won't say in case my friend Star is reading this. Alligators are about the only positive thing I can come up with for the state, and it's good that they chose to showcase it in their restaurant. They also have alligator on their menu, available based on market rate. I chose to go with the catfish, because I hate the thought of eating something that will eat anything. Oh, wait.... +4 for decorations.

Here's something that grossed me out about Calliope's. All their ketchup was in those red squirt top bottles. I know you know the ones I'm talking about. They have them on hot dog stands, like, in New York? Or at least on the hot dogs stands in the movies about New York. I've obviously never been to a hotdog stand, I don't work for 002 magazine, I'm not that cool. I just don't get them. Every restaurant in America puts their ketchup in Heinz bottles, and then when they run out, they refill them with HEB brand ketchup. Nobody actually uses Heinz ketchup in their stores. What's wrong with pretending, just for a minute, that it's actual ketchup in the bottle and not just a can of tomato paste mixed with a gallon of water? I can almost guarantee you they aren't saving any money by not using name brand ketchup bottles, and they look way sketchier. -8 for not just tickling my fancy and springing for an addition five buck upfront cost.

Like I said, it was a pretty mediocre place. It's not that far from University of Houston campus, though, and I read on their website that if you're proactive about it, they'll give you a discount with your school ID. I won't recommend it to you, but if you do decide to go, let me know at arbitrarycriticism@live.com. Thanks everyone, and have a great dinner!

Jus' Mac

My love affair with macaroni and cheese began when I was still in utero. I came out of the womb covered not in placenta but instead Kraft macaroni and cheese dust. The doctors were baffled, but hey, they'd seen stranger. I made my first box of macaroni and cheese before I could walk, crawling around on the counter top, brushing my onesie out of the way of the burner on the stove, my hands barely large enough to carve the required three tablespoons of butter off the stick. I'm convinced my parents did feed me other things when I was growing up, but all I can remember was macaroni and cheese; all my macro-nutrients were provided by that little blue box. Macaroni and cheese and I grew apart slightly when I reached high school, like most relationships of the youth do; I discovered ramen for the first time, and would carry bowls of it to my cave to slurp at while I did "homework" and worked on "things". Macaroni must never hear what ramen and I did together.

We fell in love again in college. I discovered Velveeta Easy Mac, and the single serving, microwavable containers and I hit it off immediately. We behaved like young lovers. We'd lay in bed together for hours, Velveeta whispering sweet words of encouragement, myself, gently caressing its yellow exterior, forking the beautiful shells into my mouth one after another. I treated Velveeta so well, buying boxes and boxes of it, microwaving it every time I needed a fix. It wasn't long before I woke up one morning with no recollection of the night before, covered in noodles, bits of cheese dripping from my hair. My room was a mess - cases of Velveeta had been destroyed, hardened shells crunching into the carpet with every step I took. I was an addict. I had to stop. A freshman in college, and my life was so nearly over.

I gave macaroni and cheese up and was clean for a year, year and a half. Then I started to hear rumors of the most wonderful place. A restaurant in the Heights that served nothing but macaroni and cheese? It was any Kraftddicts dream. I was wary of backsliding, though. I remembered the great Velveetagate of '09. I didn't want to slip in my ways. I waited nearly six months before I first entered the doors of Jus' Mac, tasted my first bite of their cuisine. I'll never forget that day - it was sunny, early in the morning. I was wearing an old T-shirt and had my hair down. The first bite and it all came back. Hello, my name is Catherine, and I'm a macaholic.

I've been back four times since then, which puts it as one of my most frequented restaurants in the Houston area. Everything on their menu is delicious, but everyone here knows that isn't what this is all about. This is arbitrary criticism, and this is my first negative review.

I'd like to start off by repeating to you that the restaurant is called Jus' Mac. I mean, what does that mean to you? I assumed that "Jus'" was short for "Just". As in, "Just Mac and cheese and the other delicious ingredients we mix into our food stuffs." A quick look at the menu, however, shoes that "Jus' Mac" is actually an abbreviation for "Just things that aren't mac and also mac". Do you know what else they serve? Paninis. Does anything about paninis seem like macaroni and cheese to you? One of them is cheesy and noodly and delicious, and the other has way too many vowels. It doesn't make sense. Restaurants have to follow "truth in menu" laws, and I assume that this is the only thing about the FDA I approve of. Dare I suggest they also create "truth in restaurant name: laws? I'm just saying. You put paninis on a menu, and people are going to start ordering them. What's going to happen to my lover, macaroni and cheese? It's a delicate soul. It can't handle the competition, it'll break it's tiny, chemically flavored heart. -1000 for taking the emphasis away from my favorite food.

Another problem with the restaurant is that it's tiny. Every time I've been in there, they've been busier than House of Pies after the bars close. Worse, even, because drunk people will let you share a table with them and get a couple french fries off their plate when they aren't looking. I'll be honest. I like my delicious restaurants to be completely devoid of people. If I have to actually wait in line to order my food ... I mean come on, guys. I'm an American. I haven't waited for anything since they made TVs that could fast forward through commercials. I don't even stop at red lights anymore. (That was a joke, Mom and Dad.) It's intensely frustrating that everybody else likes this restaurant as much as I do. The parking lot is tiny. Sometimes I have to park across the street. ACROSS THE STREET! And then - THEN! - walk across the road to get to the restaurant. Once again, I'd like to point out that I'm an American! They give out those carts at Walmart that beep when they back up for a reason. We've evolved past this sort of exercise. So -24 points for being so disgustingly popular. Some of those people probably ordered paninis! The staff at Jus' Mac is unbelievably friendly, and it just really gets my goat that they're friendly to that whole crowd of satisfied customers and not just me. Harumph. You know what? Make that -26.

In addition to serving my favorite kind of food, Jus' Mac does, I'll begrudgingly admit, also employ my favorite shameless marketing technique - restaurant merchandising. There's nothing I love more than a restaurant that will sell me one of their T-shirts. I will openly admit to you guys that I only use my Freebird's Fanatics card to earn points for a T-shirt. There's just something really charming to me about a restaurant that knows you love them so much you'll wear their logo emblazoned across your chest to class or to visit your grandma. I haven't caved yet and bought one, but I also haven't gone to a Macaholic Anonymous meting in a while, so classmates: stay tuned for my new wardrobe. +16 for giving me just what I want.

Like I said to you guys, the food at Jus' Mac is really delicious, but we all know that that's not what's really important in a restaurant. False advertising and crowds of people? I'd never recommend this place to you. Get your own box of macaroni and cheese, and while you're eating it, if you have any questions or comments, feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Chacho's

Chacho's is a 24-hour Mexican food restaurant with six locations in Houston and San Antonio. The location I went to was off of 45 at Tidwell, and if it looks like a Taco Cabana, it's because, I'm told, it used to be a Taco Cabana.

OK. I'm just as aware as you are that the title of this blog is arbitrary criticism, and that I've all but sworn not to grade an establishment on their food. But here's something most of you probably don't know about me: I've been in search of the world's best fish taco for what feels like decades. Up until now, the best fish taco I've ever had was at the Rainbow Cafe in the Houston Galleria, and I'm not just saying that to be ironic and white. (Actually I'm not even sure why I'm playing the race card, fish tacos definitely seem like the sort of things that were invented by white people who'd had Mexican food once on vacation in Texas.) Rainbow Cafe really does have delicious fish tacos. But let me tell you: none of the fish tacos I've ever eaten my whole life - not the ones that gave me my first taste of fishy goodness, at Cain and Abel's in Austin, not at Pappacito's, not at the restaurant inside Bass Pro Shop, not at the Cheesecake Factory, no, not even in the Rainbow Cafe - tasted as good as the fish tacos at Chacho's. All of them, restaurants KNOWN for their authentic Mexican food, and none of them as good as Chacho's. So when I give them a +54 for their fish tacos, it's not because I'm grading them on their food - I have too much integrity for that. Instead, my friends, I'm grading them on their ability to beat back dozens of competitors, named and unnamed, in the quest for the true award: Catherine Martin's Most Delicious Fish Taco. It's not the food that gets them the points, it's the award.

Now that we've got that controversial bit out of the way, let's move on to what I really loved about Chacho's: Their salsa bar. There's nothing I love more than a good salsa bar. Like any good American, I love things that are unlimited: unlimited night and weekend minutes, unlimited Friends reruns on TBS, and unlimited salsa at Mexican restaurants. A normal restaurant, they deliver your chips and salsa, you eat them, you converse, and then, oh no! You've consumed all your salsa before your food even arrives! What are you supposed to pour over your taco? Heaven forbid your waitress doesn't notice your lack of salsa and you have to actually ask her yourself. Luckily, Chacho's removes all those painful lost syllables: "Hey lady, we're outta salsa! Couldja bring us some more?" Here you don't have to suffer through actual communication - you can merely get up yourself, wander on over to the salsa bar, and try samples of dozens of different salsas! At Chacho's, you can eat a whole taco, each bite dipped in a different type of salsa! Who doesn't love that kind of self service variety? I'll admit that sometimes I go to Taco Cabana - in broad daylight, on weekdays - just for the salsa bar. I'm delighted to know that Taco Cabana can be re-regulated to midnight on weekends, and Chacho's can fill the empty salsa bar in my heart. +16 for the salsa bar.

Another thing that I thought was super great about Chacho's was the monitors they had posted around the restaurant. It's definitely a self-service joint - staff members will come to your table to take your plates, but food is served at a window and you're in charge of your own drinks (and, thankfully, salsa). Don't you hate that moment when you're waiting for your number to be called, and they skip from 38 to 40? Wait, you ask yourself. Did they call 39? Was I just passed out from hunger and didn't hear them? A lot of numbers tend to rhyme, and there's nothing more embarrassing than stepping up to the counter only to have somebody else grab away the food you thought was yours, swiftly taking it back to the safety of their own table. At Chacho's they eliminate this problem - the numbers they call are proudly displayed on monitors placed for your convenience around the interior of the restaurant. Not only does this alert you when your food is ready, but having monitors in the restaurant sidesteps the problem of having TVs in the restaurant. You never have to be sucked in to watching a sport you care nothing about. +13 for ingenuity and not forcing customers to watch table tennis.

No restaurant is completely perfect, however, and Chacho's came in the form of a shady looking man standing outside the front of their building, wearing sunglasses, his arms crossed over his chest. Who wears sunglasses at night? I'll tell you who. Drug dealers. Pimps. Landlords. All sorts of unsavory creatures. I thought I was going to have a thrilling encounter with a real villain, but when I came closer, I realized that he was instead wearing only 3D glasses. Not a criminal - just a hipster. -8 for disappointed dreams.

If you decide to go to Chacho's, make sure you try the fish tacos and let me know what you thought about them! All questions and comments can be directed, of course, to arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Zoe's Kitchen

Zoe's Kitchen is a chain with about 50 locations, based in Birmingham, Alabama. There are four in the Houston area and one located 3701 Shepherd, which is the location I visited earlier this evening. I had the steak stack with a side of rice pilaf, and it was freaking delicious. No, seriously. Their rice was so buttery; whether it's intentional or not, Zoe's definitely gives off a health food vibe but there was no way there was less than a pound of butter in that rice. A. Mazing.

I know people don't go to restaurants for the food (seriously, who does that?) but one of my arbitrary criticisms today comes from their menu itself. To start us off on a positive note (and I had a very positive experience), the potato and pasta salads they sell have no mayo. I don't usually eat potato or pasta salads because I think they're disgusting, but when people ask me why I don't like them, to be polite I usually say it's because I hate mayo. In reality, it's because both of these foods should be served hot; potatoes should be served mashed or fried and pasta should be covered in Alfredo sauce. Neither one should be cold. I mean I hate when I look at something and think, man, this is really going to warm my mouth up, but when I take a bite it's been in the refrigerator for at least six hours. I hate it! But Zoe's has really done me a favor today by compelling me to admit out loud what exactly it is that I hate about these food, and I really appreciate what they've done in forcing me to give up the walls I've built around my culinary heart and finally let someone know my true feelings on chilled side dishes.+8 for disabling my defense mechanisms.

What I liked most about Zoe's Kitchen, however, was the artwork they had lining the walls. I asked an employee about it; apparently they have a deal with a local elementary school where they donate art supplies to the students, who are then encouraged to paint these paintings. And despite the fact that they were all done by six-year-olds, they weren't bad. I mean, I've seen much less convincing still-lifes at MFAH; some of these kids obviously have futures in the art world. The rest should probably stick to their day jobs. Anyway, Zoe's Kitchen sells these paintings to their clientele (I'll admit I just used that word because it's fun to spell) and then donate the money back to the elementary school. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still a hard-hearted Republican, I don't want anybody to think that I care about cute little intercity kids or anything like that. But I think it's a really neat program, especially considering how much I appreciated my art classes in elementary school. +10 for caring about kids and +10 for the original decorating scheme.

My other favorite part of Zoe's Kitchen was the unobtrusive music they were piping through their speakers. I don't want to give you the wrong impression at all; Zoe's is not a hipster joint. But it is in the part of town where you'd expect "Listomania" to be played over and over until you break out in hipster chill and start biking to work. I have a problem with restaurants who play their music just loud enough that it detracts from whatever it is you're saying to your dinner companion, in this case my lovely roommate. I also hate restaurants who play the music just low enough that it just tickles your eardrums; you have to listen to hear what song it is, no matter how compelling your date's conversation is; the tune is just present enough to annoy you. I'm happy to report that the music was the proper volume and none of the songs were catchy enough to listen to at all, let alone sing along loudly to, like some pizza places in West U that I could mention.* +4

Anyways I want everybody to know that I'm a serious journalist, and I'm not just going to give  mindlessly great reviews to everyone. I did have a problem with Zoe's, and that was their lack of booth seating. They had this weird hybrid thing going, where the booth was against the wall but the seats in front were regular chairs. Like all good Americans, I prefer a booth to any other kind of seating, because then I can sit concealed, sipping on my iced water, pretending I'm a cop or a spy or a cheating spouse and can't have everybody knowing what I'm up to. At Zoe's only one person in your pair can be the cheating spouse; the other has to sit, exposed to all for their infidelity  and dealings with foreign governments. It's just not fair, and I don't like it. -13

Overall, though, I did enjoy Zoe's Kitchen. They're a good restaurant if you want food that makes you feel clean rather than greasy afterwards, which I'll admit even I sometimes do. I definitely recommend stopping in if you get a chance. As always, if you have any questions or comments feel free to contact me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com. Happy eating!

*Pink's Pizza

Barron's BRB Diner

I'll just spoil the ending and tell you that this is going to be be a positive review. Barron's is the student run restaurant that Hilton College uses to train its students in managerial arts and food service, located inside the building and open only for lunch, between the hours of 11:30 and 1. I myself spent a semester and four mandatory credit hours waitressing at Barron's, which is why I will never waitress again and why I'm going to give Barron's an arbitrarily good review. The special the day I went was a burger topped with goat cheese, caramelized onion, lettuce and tomato on ciabatta bread with a side of herbed garlic fries and it was delicious, but how the food was sounds pretty relevant so we'll get down to the brass tacks of this review.

The first thing I noticed when I walked into the restaurant is that the walls were covered in Thanksgiving decorations. You can't know how much that warmed my heart. There is nothing I hate more than waking up November 1 from my Halloween candy coma, looking out my window, and seeing a world already decorated for Christmas. This year when I went shopping for my Halloween costume, Walmart was already selling fake Christmas tress. It's October 20th, Walmart. Nobody wants a Christmas tree. There is not a single person in America, I can almost guarantee, that loves Christmas so much they'll put up decorations TWO MONTHS in advance. I don't care how much you were abused as a child, nothing makes that OK. So I'm going to go ahead and give Barron's +7 for recognizing that there's a whole holiday between Halloween and Christmas, and having the balls to stand up to the world and celebrate it.

The Thanksgiving decorations, my friends, were not even the best part of the restaurant. The semester I was required to provide my free labor in the restaurant it was called Barron's The Stuffed Burrito, and we sold Mexican food and wore ties. Every few years, though, they rejuvenate the menu and rebrand the place, and it recently made the transition into the BRB Diner. The new menus they came up with are aesthetically amazing, which is why I'm now my dad and say things like "back in my day, we didn't have these fancy looking menus, we had ugly ones and everyone just dealt with it." Seriously I'd go back just to look at the menus. They have this cool, 60's mod look to them, and even though it's the same restaurant foundationally as before, I think they really helped make it seem more like an actual diner. Definitely +9 for those. A much more important change, however, was that now everyone was wearing bow ties! Imagine how great it must be to wake up every Wednesday and know that you get to go to class wearing a bow tie! They, truly, are the lucky ones. More important that their feelings, though, are mine: I felt like some sort of president of a small Middle Eastern country or maybe a detective, having my food delivered to me by a person wearing a bow tie. It was even better than having a butler! It was like having a butler, but I didn't have to give them a salary and let them borrow my Jag when they needed to go to the grocery store! +26 for sure!

I want to be fair in my review, however. It wasn't all Thanksgiving decorations and goat cheese and bow ties. There was a cloud on my otherwise perfect lunch. I don't want to scare anyone from going to an otherwise great lunch spot, but in the interest of my integrity I'll reveal the sad truth: My table had a wobble. I know. I know. What could be worse than a wobble? Especially when you're lunching with a date, like I was! You look to your man seductively: "Darling," you say, leaning forward onto one elbow, coquettishly batting your lashes. And JOLT! All your food slams to one side of the table, set on a rampaging course by your uneven table! Disoriented, you lean back. "I was wondering, maybe later," you start, hurriedly leaning back in your seat to pretend you hadn't just destroyed the perfect placing of the restaurant's student chefs. And CRASH! The table rebalances itself, and your food comes sliding back to its original location. "You could come over," you finish, delicately doing a lady like shift which puts one foot propped up on the corner of the table, showing off your hopefully shaven legs and perfect manicure while holding the table down while you seductively return to your elbow, hopefully keeping the table perfectly even so the two of you can finish your herbed garlic fries. All you wanted was somebody to help you change your light bulb, but now, after this non-overdramatized and definitely accurate portrayal of what a wobble can do to you, you're both too grumpy to handle any maintenance at all. Minus 3.

To conclude this review, I'd like to definitely recommend that you try Barron's BRB Diner, and if you have any positive feedback you can email it to arbitrarycriticism@live.com and if you have any negative feedback you can keep it to yourself!