Eatsie Boys

That's right guys I'm reviewing a food truck! It's full name is Eatsie Boys Intergalactic Food Truck, so if you're like me and didn't catch the Beastie Boys reference just from the font they spell their name with despite the fact that you own 3 of their albums, that reference to their hit Intergalactic Planetary should tip you off. If you're still lost, they have an Eggman sandwich, a pork sandwich called "Sabotage", and many more Beastie inspired menu items. To get into character I'm listening to Solid Gold Hits; to get into character the cooks ONLY listen to Beastie Boys music. Basically I'm in love. +12

So I'm not really sure how to review a food truck since it's not a real establishment so we'll just get started. Picture the scene: the parking lot of Agorra. Two young urban socialites, Catherine and Melissa, hang out on the corner of Westheimer and whatever that cross road is. We're chic. We're handsome. We're waiting for our sandwiches. And then this homeless guy wanders up. OK I'm a Republican but I don't have a problem with homeless people normally, they've never done me any harm, we're all just trying to get by right? So this homeless guy wanders up and the guy at Eatsie Boys says he'll give him a sandwich so now we're all waiting for our sandwiches. A car drives by, and the H.G. says, "Man, that pollution smells bad, doesn't it?" And I think, oh man, he's not even a real homeless guy, he's just part of the Occupy movement! Naturally I start looking for my mace before he starts to ask me to vote for Ron Paul. But we obviously are polite, young urban socialites that we are, and then he transitions from talking about how bad pollution is for you to talking about how bad fatty foods are for you! The guys at Eatsie Boys are straight up giving him a free sandwich just because he hasn't shaved in a while, and he's complaining because it's bad for you! He told us it was going to make our arteries close up! Excuse me guys! If I were interested in my arteries, I'd stick to the salad bar, OF WHICH EATSIE BOYS HAS NONE. This homeless guy straight up told us to stop eating at "places like that" if we could (if we could! Have any of you guys MET my friend Willpower? My willpower will kick that homeless guy's butt!) while we were still young. Eatsie Boys has a bumper sticker on their window that says "Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway, so enjoy!" +78, Eatsie Boys. That's the kind of message I like. -12, homeless guy. Next time you want somebody to care about their arteries you should complain to those Greenpeace guys who are always hanging out around the library. They don't even like the Beastie Boys they only listen to Sarah McLachlan songs while watching slideshows of kittens. Sweet burn.

Here's something cute about the Eatsie Boys. For one thing they have a really cute slogan, it's a lower case e wearing a chef hat and he has really cute little feet coming out of the bottom and a really cute hand. +3 And the other cool thing is that their van is covered in ice cream. I mean it's not ACTUALLY covered in ice cream, geez guys, it's covered in pictures of ice cream. I just think it's cool because most of the food trucks I'm familiar with, in Austin exclusively because I'm not young-urban-socialite enough to have gone to food trucks in Houston too many times before this are in converted school buses or like trailers. This one was made out of what looks like an old ice cream truck! It's almost too cool for me I can only put a +9 because I'm not cool enough to type higher numbers than that.

The best part about the Eatsie Boys of course is that we ate in my car to avoid the hipsters in Agorra and also because I was too hungry to drive home with delicious foods in my vehicle. Seriously guys have you ever been in my car? Shout out to my mini van it's so comfortable for eating sandwiches in I don't know why I don't exclusively eat in it if you eat too much you can just tilt the seat back and fold your hands over your stomach and roll down the windows so you get a cool breeze floating delicately across your face. Plus there are arm rests and a box with 500 forks in the very back if you need extra utensils, that was somebody definitely thinking ahead good one Catherine. Plus my parents just vacuumed out the inside so it has this new car smell again, in contrast to the small pack of animals living in the car smell that it sometimes gets when it rains. The radio doesn't work though so you have to sing your own mood music but that's cool I know about 2/3s of the words to a lot of hits and also there are dome lights that you can adjust brightness wise based on how romantic you want your dinner with Melissa to be. I went for one light on, otherwise referred to as "super romantic." I edited out a couple of jokes about drinking wine in your car right here in case anybody from MADD is reading this.

Anyways guyzos you should check out Eatsie Boys and if not there are so many good food trucks in Houston that obviously deserve our hunger (OK that shout out might have been influenced by the fact that they gave me not one but two free bumper stickers). I heard that homeless guy moved to Portland to protest against wearing shoes so you should be safe. If you have any questions or comments feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

House of Pies

I'm pretty sure that everybody who's in the UH Honor's college, lived in the UH dorms, or knows somebody who fulfills either one of those requirements has been to House of Pies. The same goes for everybody who's ever tasted a sip of alcohol within the city limits of Houston. If you haven't been to House of Pies, you're not a true college student and you're not a true hedonist. End of story. I have no idea why this is, either. House of Pies is terrible! There's terrible service, the food isn't that great, and there's always a huge line! There are such better diners in Houston! But we've all been to House of Pies so many times! I don't even have to tell you the address, you already know! Guys, it doesn't make sense! How come we aren't going to Dot's Diner, it's way better, and they give you bread before each meal.

OK OK I know why, there's just a really great atmosphere even though it's such a crappy place. This one time I went to House of Pies with Melissa and some girls we were friends with and maybe a guy but I don't really remember. Anyway so we're sitting at this really big booth by the door and this pair of drunk guys come in and as usual there's a huge line so they just sit at our table and pretend like they know us. We all get to talking and I really got the impression that the drunk guys were making fun of us, us fun, nice girls on an outing, which obviously doesn't make any sense because we weren't the intoxicated people who'd sat down with a group of random strangers and ordered eggs to sop up the alcohol we'd poured into our system. But I digress. Other than this rudeness on their part they were actually pretty fun and before anyone gets too horrified, the waitress did come over in a solicitous manner to make sure we didn't need them escorted out we were in no danger. When we all got up to leave one of them paid for Melissa's dinner, and this was officially the best time I ever had at House of Pies. +13 Something about the clientele and the way the waitress didn't seem surprised suggests to me that this sort of thing probably happens all the time. (Though to be clear no drunk guy ever tried to buy me dinner it's obvious to us all that Melissa's the cute one)

Now that I've shared that I'm going to continue to complain about House of Pies, but we should all go into this knowing that I've eaten there my share of times. Like I said there are two groups of people who go there: drunkards and UH Honor's students. And those two groups are always firmly separate; to be clear, drunk UH Honor's students go to Whataburger. So my most recent excursion to House of Pies occurred last Friday. I went around midnight to ensure that I have the worst experience possible: as usual there was a huge line and there were these three inebriated boys sitting outside the door making arbitrary criticisms about all who entered the door. Obviously I hated it arbitrary criticism is my shtick. So Thomas and I have to wait for a table and there's a Ms. Pacman machine in the entryway, we have enough quarters to both play. But the two player setting is broken and on accident I press the wrong button and we have to play Galaga instead, easily the WORST Atari game in existence and I'm terrible at it and I lost all of our quarters and it was only one player and then we just had to stand there and talk to each other. Yuck there's nothing I hate more than communication with people I've agreed to go to dinner with -12.

Here's the thing HOP is always busy so they have these little table tents that say "Welcome to House of Pies! Minimum table service $2.50 per person per hour!" OK and I can certainly understand why they don't want people to linger, that's fine, plus I've seen enough old television shows to know that sad people sit in diners doing nothing but drinking coffee for hours, I get why that would be obnoxious. But don't you think that's kind of a mixed message? "Welcome to House of Pies! Please think twice before sticking around for too long!" As well, like all UH students I went to House of Pies my first week of my freshman year, and THEN the table tents said "During peak hours minimum table service $2.50 per person." Sounds to me that over these past few years they've either decided all hours are peak hours or they've gotten considerably snootier about the kinds of clientele they let into their establishment. Either way I don't like it. -2.50.

The worst affront of House of Pies is obviously, however, that they are always out of the pie you want. Whenever you go for the pie, you have to pick out three or four from the list that you want to eat that night, because they're always out of your first choice, they're usually out of your second choice, and they only sometimes have your third choice. I don't understand! Maybe they should just keep a smaller, more manageable pie list! Then it would manage customers expectations better! The sad thing is, they've managed their customers' expectations perfectly! I only ever expect terrible service and not the pie I want now! -9

Like I said obviously my ragging on the House of Pies means nothing because there's no way I'll never go there again. Everybody has to have the same relationship with HOP that I do, and they're still always packed to the gills. No offense Melvin, I know how fish references offend you. Everybody feel free to email me your best HOP stories at arbitrarycriticism@live.com, and please go to Dot's Diner instead they're way tastier.

The Hobbit Cafe

Just to let you know, these days when I write reviews for you guys, I like to think "newsy" to myself when I write them. Like I'm a little old lady reporting the happenings of my small town to other ladies in her small town. Like I'm Marilyn Hagerty?

OK OK but seriously I know it's called The Hobbit Cafe (located at 2243 Richmond Avenue) but I didn't actually think it was Lord of the Rings themed. I mean honestly, when you hear "The Hobbit Cafe" you just think its just this tiny as all get out restaurant (do you think I'm still riding on the Marilyn Hagerty phase?) that's impossible to find, which it is. I mean have any of you guys been to the Hobbit Cafe? It's impossible to find. I had a friend who worked there and once I went to pick her up from work and so that's my first impression of this place, it's this tiny tiny tiny restaurant in the parking lot of another restaurant completely overshadowed by some huge parking garage, so you can't really see it from the street. Much like a hobbit lives! I thought that's where the theme ended! But no, guys, it's an actual Lord of the Rings themed restaurant. Did any of you think we needed one of those? There are maps of Middle Earth, LotR movie posters (I actually think it's nerdier to abbreviate Lord of the Rings, so that's how I'll be referring to it for the rest of the review), themed menu items, and a blurb on the front of the menu talking about hobbits. I honestly don't know how I feel about this. I mean I think that a LotR themed restaurant is a little excessive, am I right guys? Look, I equate the LotR fandom to the Harry Potter fandom in their levels of obsession, and I think that's why I look down on LotR. Because I love Harry Potter, I instantly think anything that rivals His Power and Might to be instantly offensive. -9 But seriously guys, they were pretty detailed. I ate a lamb burger, and it was New Zealand lamb. I mean it was a pretty gross burger why didn't they just use American lamb I'm sure it's fresher, but LotR was FILMED in New Zealand! It practically IS Middle Earth! I just think that anybody who's willing to put that much thought into their menu deserves a +9 to cancel out their detractions.

Here's what I thought was stupid about the Hobbit Cafe: there's a whole "South of the Border" section on their menu. OK seriously, we live in Texas! You don't have to go south of the border for good Mexican food, you have to go anywhere in Houston except for El Real! South of the border is just an excessive trip to earn you frequent flyer miles to go somewhere you'd rather, it's certainly not a culinary expedition! Here are titles that they could have used for their south of the border section, which includes things like "the Hobbit wrap", "veggie enchiladas", and "hickory chicken" (all of which, to me, sound like they were invented in America, NORTH OF THE BORDER): Average tasting tex-mex; obligatory foods we know everybody will enjoy; things you can add avocado to for an additional 2.79; things they eat in North Dakota and call Mexican food. In their defense, when they say "south of the border" they don't ONLY mean Mexico, they also have Caribbean themed foods. But I'm not really in the habit of defending the restaurants I review lately so I'm still going to give them a -18 for mislabeling this huge section of their menu.

Here's what else bothered me: on their menu, they describe Hobbits as being "smaller than dwarves - not much larger than Lilliputians." Normally something like this would just go over my head, but I happen to be reading Gulliver's travels this week for my political theory class, and Gulliver describes Lilliputians to be "not more than six inches high." I read the Hobbit when I was in fourth grade, so I went ahead and did the research for you and can report that the internet says they are between two and four feet high. Does that seem like "not much larger than Lilliputians" to you? No! Between four hundred and eight hundred percent of the first's height does not mean it's "not much larger than"! I feel like this is literary name dropping! That's the worst kind of name dropping, because it is the most pretentious kind! If anybody should be name dropping, it's you, saying that you love to read Catherine Martin's blog Arbitrary Criticism! -13

But it wasn't all bad. When we went it was kind of at a later part of the evening and they stuck us in this room off the main building. The rest of the restaurant seemed to be these rooms that were all windingly connected - much like a Hobbit hole - but this particular room had four tables and had this completely arbitrary door disconnecting it from the rest of the restaurant. Now, if you guys know me at all, even if this is your first blog post, you should know that I absolutely love arbitrary things! I loved that door! It seemed really inconvenient for our waitress because she couldn't discretely check to see if we needed any extra water or whatever, she had to physically put her entire body into the room with us and by that time it was obvious that she was there so we all had to interact. And the thing is, there were only four tables in there, so it's not like it gave them very much extra space at all! It was just this tiny room that had been thrown up against the side of the building! Blrrgh! (Get it? Like instead of being haphazardly built against the side of the building like you were thinking, it was vomited up by some huge monster? Heh heh heh) Anyways I found it to be very arbitrary +36 and charming as well. +9

Anyways chumps that's my review of the Hobbit Cafe. If you have any questions or facts about Hobbits that you'd like to share, feel free to contact me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!!!!

The Buffalo Grille

The Buffalo Grille is located at 4080 Bissonnet, and this is funny because this is their new location. Their Bissonnet location used to be in the HEB parking lot but they wanted to class the joint up a bit so they moved four blocks down; now they're located in the Randall's parking lot. It's a much higher class clientele. +6

Before I get started on this review I want to tell you a story about my experiences with Buffalo Grille back when I was a lowly pizza worker. Their last day in the HEB parking lot, they called Pink's Pizza and ordered 15 sandwiches to be delivered there, as a kind of Last Supper for their employees. I thought this was pretty weird since Pink's Pizza, believe it or not, is a pizza place, and if you're going to order food for fifteen people it's much more economical to order four or five pizzas than FIFTEEN sandwiches. So I tell the guy the total and it's over a hundred dollars by a bit and I tell him I'm going to need a credit card number. "I wanted to pay cash," he informed me. I explain that on any order over a hundred dollars it's our policy to take a credit card number, just as insurance for the restaurant. And he got upset at me! "That's unbelievable! I'm a restaurant owner myself! I've been in the restaurant industry for over sixteen years, and I've never heard of a policy like this! I can't believe you expect all of your customers to even have credit cards! I'm so insulted that you don't trust me!" He went on and on and I found it obnoxious because honestly guys if this guy's worked in restaurants for sixteen years then geez, for one thing he should know that not all customers are honest, and for another, for goodness sakes, the girl answering the phones is absolutely NOT the one making the policies and therefore it's POINTLESS to yell at her and in my opinion more than a little bit rude! What a jerk wad! Doesn't he have employees of his own? Doesn't he hate when they get yelled at by dweebs who don't like following his rules? -9 In the end though there was another employee hanging out in his off time not even clocked in and the manager made him make the jerk's sandwiches instead so I could "focus on other things", i.e., enjoying watching people do my job for me. +4

Here's what's great about Buffalo Grille though: so does anybody hate when people have self service drink stations and you have to keep getting up to find yourself more beverage? I'm not saying it's any less annoying for waitresses to have to keep coming round and filling your glass up, either. In general the smaller my water glass, however, the less happy I am, because I drink a lot of water and I hate having to keep interrupting my conversations and stopping stuffing my face with food too, those are the worst things about eating out! So I know what you're thinking I'm going to say, you're thinking: oh, so the Buffalo Grille has big water glasses, that's cool. BUT IT'S EVEN COOLER THAN THAT! So Melissa asks for a Dr. Pepper and they give her the red cup and they tell me the water cups are by the drink fountain and we wander over there, and guys, they have THREE DIFFERENT SIZES OF WATER CUP. They have a small water cup like they have at Cici's because if you aren't ordering a soft drink you're a second class citizen and deserve less beverage, for when you want a small amount of water. They have the medium sized water cups like they have in most restaurants for when you want a medium amount of water. And then they have huge water cups for when your name is Catherine Martin and you drink like a freaking camel! +333! I mean seriously isn't this the coolest thing you've ever heard? It instantly made up for that guy being a jerk that one time I mean I'm sure he was upset, it was the last time there was ever going to be a Buffalo Grille in that HEB parking lot, I'd be sad and moody too. I'm always sad and moody over things that are less important than that! It just seems like an efficient system because if you're only going to drink a small amount of water, you don't have to waste your time standing there waiting for the whole cup to fill, and so on and so on.... rarely have I ever seen a restaurant cater so well to my personal needs.

So the Buffalo Grille has pretty average food but here's what you should know: Melissa and I ordered the full order of chicken fried steak so we could split it between the two of us, but instead of giving us a giant piece of chicken fried steak, they gave us two regular sized pieces on the same plate. I want you to imagine for a moment how much food that is. I mean thank God we split it between the two of us there's no way a normal person can eat that much chicken fried steak. +8 But you know, here's what restaurants need: couches inside the restaurant. We've already discussed The Blue Fish and their sofas, that's a pretty good idea. But be honest guys, after you stuff your face, what do you want to do? You want to lay on your back and talk about how fat you are. What if restaurants took advantage of this, and put couches inside the restaurant? And then put mirrors on the ceiling, so you can lift your shirt up and do that thing where you make your stomach talk? "Oh, Catherine, I'm so full of chicken fried steak, yum yum yum yum yum!" Don't act like you never do that.

Anyways that's about it for my review of The Buffalo Grille, though let me just lodge another complaint against 002 Houston: Inside their restaurant listings they have them listed not under "B", where any normal person would put them, but under "T"! What a bunch of jerks, don't they know how alphabetizing works? -3 for 002 Houston. Before I sign off, though, I recently received some feedback from my friend Marcus that he'd read my blog if I reviewed restaurants he'd ever heard of. Since he's never going to read this I'll go ahead and call him out and say it's jerky not to support your friends' blogs. But I'll take it to heart and I want to encourage you guys to let me know which restaurants you guys like! I'd much rather write blogs that you my dozens of readers want to read than ones you don't! Email any suggestions to arbitrarycriticism@live.com and any other feedback you guys might have, I'm always open to suggestions!

El Real

This isn't even a blog post it's a public service announcement. El Real, located at 1201 Westheimer, is the worst Mexican food restaurant in the history of the universe. I don't mean that in the cute, I just don't want you to go because it's my favorite restaurant way I told you Jus' Mac is a terrible restaurant. El Real is actually terrible. And let's just take a minute, can we guys? How can you mess up Mexican food? Mexican food has to be the easiest food in the world to get right. Have you ever had bad Mexican food? OK. Have you ever had bad Mexican food south of Oklahoma and west of Louisiana? No. The answer is no. Because nobody has ever made bad Mexican food in Texas; at the worst, it's average Mexican food. All you have to do is put lots of cumin, salt, and jalapeno into everything and it's average Mexican food! But I don't think they did any of that! I don't think they put any spices in anything! Even their salsa didn't have any flavor! I'm sending my father to talk to the executive chef he'll set him right. (And that's the other thing! The guy who owns this restaurant owns two others, maybe you've heard of them: REEF and LITTLE BIG'S! Two excellent restaurants! How could he have gone so terribly, heart-breakingly wrong???)

Let's just get started. So I walk into the restaurant and the hostess says hi and I say hi and she says (I assume) "Table for two?" Only it comes out all garbled, so I reply, "I'm sorry?" and she looks at me like I'm an idiot and replies, "I said hi?" But I SWEAR TO YOU, she didn't say hi! We'd already gotten past that portion of our conversation! I mean I'm not going to stand here and pretend like I'm the sharpest tack in the box, but when somebody says hi to me, I can understand what it means. Not only can I understand what it means, but I've lived in America for 21 entire years. When somebody says hi to me, it's no longer a mental reaction to reply; it's muscle memory. I couldn't not respond if I wanted. It's not a question of understanding what they say! So my point is, I'm NOT an idiot (usually) and the hostess is a LIAR! That's NOT what she said! -90

With that terrible entry into the restaurant, you think, surely they must do something great to make it all better and bring me back to their side. After all I'm a famous restaurant reviewer they have to have something up their sleeve. FALSE! I entered into their main dining area and do you want to hear something terrible? They only have TWO BOOTHS and both of them are for large parties! -16 What if you're at the restaurant with your boyfriend and you just want to look shady and wear sunglasses inside and wear turtlenecks and pretend like you're a European spy? You can't! You have to be there with at least eight other people to enjoy that privilege! It's terrible and I hate it! Plus it gets worse! They have stupid chairs at all of their tables that are boring and just look like regular stupid chairs, but in the upstairs dining room for stupid "we want to reserve a whole upstairs dining room because our party is too large for the ONLY TWO BOOTHS in the whole restaurant" people, and they're so much cooler! Guys, the upstairs dining room has really cool looking chairs like you'd have in your actual dining room in your actual house, and geez, why don't the regular plebeians get to sit in them? Why did we have to sit in the stupid boring ones? I feel like a second class citizen! -31 You know what else the upper dining room gets that regular folks don't? A swordfish. The upper dining room has a swordfish on their wall and we on the ground floor only get to LOOK AT IT. They could touch it if they wanted. Must be nice, rich upper crust upper dining room snobs! -12

OK but look it's a terrible restaurant with terrible food but do you want to hear something that is actually pretty clever? OK it's really clever. So El Real is in a building that used to be an old movie theater, and then when that closed down it turned into a Hollywood video. A rich history of films and the people who enjoy them! And on the wall of El Real, they play movies! Don't you think that's a really cool nod to the history of the building? I feel like they're celebrating even more than the building actually but the whole geography of the area. But I'm still mad about that hostess so I'm only giving them back +2 for how actually cool and neat that is.

Anyways. Feel free to never eat at El Real, but if you're hungry I do definitely recommend the owner's other two restaurants (maybe not Little Big's it's pretty good food but there's something about sliders that seems shady to me stay tuned for my review). If you have anything really nice to say to me, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Cavatore's

Look before we get started on this I'd like to direct you to Cavatore's website, located here. I sort of feel like I don't have to say anything about it; it basically speaks for itself. I mean do you see that guy with a fish head? You don't need me to tell you how ridiculous this is, after 24 other blog posts I think I've trained you to spot the absurd for yourself.

OK so Cavatore's is located at 2120 Ella Boulevard and I went there last Wednesday with my friend Scott. He and I had had a chance to read those prices on the menu online but we were still dressed in our slumming clothes (I'm just kidding we don't have slumming clothes we're in college it's just the stuff we wear.) So we're kind of nervous, are we under-dressed, will we be able to get a table, will the maitre'd think we're white trash, but then we pull up and Scott says, and I quote, "It's in an expletive barn who are they trying to fool?" And you know what? I have no idea. You guys looked at that website (I hope it was your homework for this blog). I have no idea what who they're trying to fool. I don't even understand if they have an actual theme. They serve Italian food, we got that. But they're in an expletive barn, which doesn't seem congruent. They have red and white checked tablecloths, that's Italian, everybody knows that. They have paintings of Italy, but they're done in some kind of Dia del Muerte theme. I mean they served Italian food, but it was really second rate (Scott rated the Chicken Parmesan - if I can remember correctly - about an 89. Better than he can make himself, but not by enough to matter.) Some of the things about them seemed really fine dining - they had really small, unsatisfactory water glasses (don't you absolutely hate that? If I'm going to drink some water, man, then I really want to tuck into it, you know? It's important to stay hydrated! If I'm going to eat some high sodium Italian food then I'm going to need a water glass that I can really suck water out of, not be allotted a single swallow every time the waitress comes around to fill us up -5. And have you noticed that it's only fancy restaurants that do this? I mean for goodness sakes if I'm going to pay more than six dollars for my entree then I want all the free water I can get! You know what? -6 more!), the napkins were cloth instead of the paper you'd expect from the outside of the building, it was too expensive for the quality of food they provided...

I mean does it sound like I'm confused here? I'm pretty confused here. I don't even know how to review Cavatore's. I'd like to say witty things about the crappy blue mints they had as you left (-4) or the lady sitting across from us with the zebra-print cardigan (+10). I just can't! I don't understand the place! Their website says some schlock about their restaurant representing both Texas and Italy, but why does that even sound like a good idea? It doesn't!

It's just. Everybody take a moment and picture Texas. Really settle in, imagine all the imagery that the name of the state conjures. What do you imagine? It's OK, you can say it, I live here, I've heard all the stereotypes before. What you're imagining is some guy wearing a cowboy hat stomping on a rattlesnake with his boots as he rides his horse to school. It's what everybody's thinking about. And now close your eyes and picture Italy. What do you imagine? A wonderland, much like that scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory when the kids get let loose and there's all that chocolate growing on trees and edible tea cups etc etc, but instead of edible tea cups and giant jawbreakers and a river made out of chocolate, we have spaghetti growing on bushes outside your front door, a chicken coop filled with little baby capers just waiting to grow big and strong for your salad, little veals running around on their spindly legs, moments away from the slaughter. A wonderland, filled with the most delicious foods you can imagine. What was the point of this exercise? Merely this. Texas isn't known for its cuisine. I mean we make some freaking great Tex Mex, nobody's going to deny that. But I mean really? What has Texas brought into the culinary world itself? Rattlesnake jerky? Mesquite toothpicks? I wouldn't want to eat any of that in a fine dining restaurant, and I cannot help but think that the reason Cavatore's is so awful and disappointing is that they chose to take a delicious style of cuisine and link it with a dusty state filled with Stetsons and buffaloes. It doesn't make any sense. I mean they had a live musician, this guy playing the piano really loudly next to our table (-9). In a barn. A guy playing the piano in a barn. Look sometimes it's cute and fun to be incongruous and adventuresome, but SOMETIMES YOU SHOULD STICK TO WHAT YOU KNOW BEST! -18

Look guys I hate to be all negative and tell you not to go to this place, but as a final note you should know that in this restaurant that is built in a barn, their menu is written in Italian. They're so unpretentious that they ARE LOCATED IN A BARN, but their menu. Is written. In Italian. If you have any further questions, such as what kind of building Cavatore's is built in or whether or not I ride my horse to school, feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Guadalajara's

Located at 2925 Southwest Freeway, Guadalajara's is where my biffle's father takes her for time to time for lunches and my parents took me for dinner about a week ago. For those of you who haven't yet made it to middle school, a biffle is someone that you complain about everything to and occasionally allow to borrow your cardigan.

Insert transitional sentence here, I'm afraid this review is going to be dominated by a discussion of Guadalajara's bathrooms. So when we first got to the restaurant, my dad goes to the bathroom and he comes out and he complains that they've put newspapers above the urinals in the men's room but the newspapers are a couple days out of print, and says I should mention it as a negative in my blog post.

Can we all just hold up here? Who knew they put newspapers above the urinals in the men's room? I sure as heck didn't. Before right now, I just assumed that men's rooms and women's rooms were exactly the same, except that they had slightly different hardware. But now... remember when you were younger and you heard about teachers hanging out in the teachers' lounge and you assumed that during their lunch breaks, while you were trading your pickle for your neighbor's gushers (just kidding nobody would go for an uneven trade like that) they were sipping on apple-tinis and listening to dubstep? This is how I feel about the men's room now! Newspapers over the urinal! You can catch up on the news while peeing! This sounds so efficient and such a good use of multitasking! Ladies, do you know what else my dad said to me? He said that Guadalajara's isn't even the only restaurant who's toilets have this feature. He gave me the statistic that one in ten bathrooms that he visits have reading material posted for his leisure. I sure as heck have never visited a bathroom like that! I'll grant you, sometimes I use a bathroom and I'll find a few numbers in case I'd like a good time (mini golf, I assume, or maybe a good book). Occasionally I'll find some valuable information about who's a ho and who's a skanky b***** (have you noticed there's always too many stars in the curse words in bathrooms?). Once in a while there will be an inspirational quote. But never in my wildest dreams did I even imagine that men's rooms would be providing anything better than that. Newspapers! It's really mind boggling! It makes me wonder what else they have in those places! Fainting couches? Ski ranges? Slot machines? Strippers? In the UH library, in the fourth floor ladies' bathroom, there's a plastic orange bed that somebody abandoned there that I've always wondered at its usage. I mean seriously, is it in case I've studied to hard and start to get overheated? People just sleep at the study carrels there can't be a real use for it. Why am I even trying to provide other places a person could sleep? Why would you sleep in a bathroom in the first place? It's right by the door there's no way you wouldn't be awoken every couple minutes by someone who drank too much coffee and the thought of losing consciousness in a place where people relieve their bladders just seems really unattractive to me, call me old fashioned. So that's not as cool as Guadalajara's men's room. At the ladies's room in the Galleria Omni they provide actual towels for you to dry your hands with instead of paper towels, but my friend Scott confirms they have the same service for men, so we don't have an advantage there either. I'm just saying this whole thing has really made me think about how I'm going to redecorate my own bathroom. +34

We'll travel a few feet over into the women's bathroom at Guadalajara's, a location I was able to experience for myself. I had an enjoyable experience overall, nothing to read, but I'm used to that. I get out and I'm washing my hands and I'm reaching for the soap and you know what it says? "Try me." Try me! People shouldn't be offered to "try" the soap in bathrooms! If anything using the soap in bathrooms should be a requirement! It was so polite, so un-presumptuous, like you were doing the soap a FAVOR by trying it, instead of doing humanity your duty, instead of performing your civic requirements. Using soap in a bathroom is like voting. An obligation on you based on your citizenship in this global society! This is how swine flu started, guys! I'm not a medical genius or anything but I'm pretty sure there was some little piglet that drank too much margarita with their trough full of leftovers and after they relieved themselves, the soap dispenser said "try me" instead of "use me or else a worldwide epidemic will grow so large that elementary schools will be forced to shut down to avoid spreading this contagion!" I mean this is serious stuff guys! Maybe I'm just feeling bitter and offended that they have these unequal restroom facilities divided along gender lines and then Guadalajara's isn't even doing their duty to protect the world from SARS. -12

All this talk about bathrooms has really made me feel the three bottles of water I just drank to hydrate myself for the workout of all this typing, so I'll just mention one last thing. Do you know what they serve their children's drinks in at Guadalajara's? Giant fake crayons. Oh my goodness, what on Earth is more charming than that? And then the straw comes out of the tip of the crayon! I'm not sure, I didn't order a kid's drink (though I sorely wanted to) but I think you even get to keep them when you're finished imbibing! I wonder if they serve margaritas in them if you beg hard enough! I bet they do! My point is my apartment is going to go through some serious redecorating soon, with newspapers being displayed above the toilet and crayons replacing all of my regular serious adult shaped beverage containers! +13

Anyways that's the whole review. I'm going to segregate my recommendation here; if you're a man, I definitely suggest you check out Guadalajara's, but if you're a lady, boycott it - and boycott all discriminatory bathroom practices - until this terrible practice has come to an end and finally all genders can relieve themselves equally! If you have any questions or would like to join the cause of equality, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!