Fuzzy's Pizza

I'm sorry we were apart for so long, my loving fans, as you probably didn't know I was summering in Canada but I'm back now; I saw four bears on my vacation thank you for asking and if anyone is interested in starting a bear rescue facility in which we capture baby black bears and cuddle with them until they are old enough to attack us and then turn them into bear skin rugs, please let me know, I'm very interested in helping you. Before I left, however, I had dinner at Fuzzy's Pizza, located at 3905 Bellaire Blvd. Look guys I used to drive by that place and say "Geez, who wants to eat Fuzzy Pizza?" and laugh and laugh because I'm so witty. Now I drive by that place and say "Geez, who wants to eat Fuzzy Pizza?" and don't laugh because it's sad when pizza doesn't taste delicious guys, I worked in pizza restaurants for five years, it's in my blood, bad pizza makes me cry and Fuzzy's is awful. Let's start off with that name. Seriously guys, to me, Fuzzy's Pizza says, "We have mold growing on our pizzas!" Last summer I brought home some pizza from my job and I didn't eat it for a few days and then I found it again in my oven and there was a bit of mold growing on it. I'm of the belief that we Americans have been coddling our immune systems, that if we would just eat a little bit more dirt we'd get sick less. So far this hasn't been working out so well for me, but I decided to eat this fuzzy pizza and all was fine and good until I got food poisoning and spent the next twenty four hours huddled against my toilet, praying to the food god for forgiveness, my only breaks to crawl to my sink for water. Needless to say I've never made that mistake again, and when I think of fuzzy pizza I think of how familiar I got with the tiles on my bathroom floor -89 Here's the other thing, they wrap their tablecloths in plastic at Fuzzy's Pizza! Look I'm not saying this isn't a good idea, I think 2/3 of my roommates could do well to have our tablecloths wrapped in plastic. (I'm talking to you, Catherine and Scott... wait a minute...) All I'm saying is it isn't very professional guys I didn't go to all the effort of putting on shoes and coming to your restaurant to be served like I'm a six year old at Grandma's house!! -9 Look I'm the customer, right?? If I want to make a horrible stain on your table cloth, I think it should be my right! Besides, it's a pizza place, and their tablecloths were patterned, guys! What am I going to do, rub the marinara into the tablecloth and then spill my coke on top of it? I don't think so! A couple crumbs never hurt anybody, and they certainly never made me feel like I was being laughed at. Here's what's nice, though. On their menu they have a "President Bush" pizza. It comes with artichokes, pepperoni, Canadian bacon, Italian sausage, green peppers, mushrooms, onions, and black olives. Normally I'd make a joke about a president ordering something with Canadian bacon, but like I mentioned I just got back from Canada, and truth is guys it's a great country. Sure they're all a bunch of dirty socialists but here's the thing: right now in Canada, it's seventy degrees. And the air is just as dry as you please... When's the last time you said that about Houston? It hasn't been seventy degrees since January, and I don't know that I've ever felt anything less that a million percent humidity here. So I'll grant Bush his Canadian bacon. Sometimes even hardened Republicans like ourselves can appreciate our neighbors to the north. The thing is, you know what's crazy? This pizza is named after George H. W. Bush! The first Bush! When's the last time anybody ever named anything after that poor guy! Only elected for one term, and then upstaged by his son? People don't even ever differentiate anymore between W and H.W. Everyone just assumes you're talking about the second! Not Fuzzy's Pizza, though. They're giving this American hero the recognition he deserves! +24 Anyways I'd love to tell you more about Fuzzy's Pizza, but I have a busy morning of real estate shopping in Canada to take care of so I'll have to talk to you guys later! If you want to see my vacation pictures, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

How Do You Roll? Sushi

Alright alright look guys I know you've already heard about my love affair with the Tunnels but I don't think enough of you guys took it seriously and went and checked it out. There are so many things you can only see down there. For instance, all the ladies who work downtown change out of their high heels and into tennis shoes, and they'll just wander around the Tunnels wearing their business professional wear and their sparkling clean Asics. This is like seeing Superman when his cape is in the wash and he's just standing in his kitchen in his regular jumpsuit eating yogurt. There is nothing else like it.

So for those of you who haven't been there, How Do You Roll? is customizable sushi, like Subway except it's sushi instead of sandwiches. Except you know how everything at Subway is called simple, unassuming things like "bell peppers" and "onions"? At How Do You Roll?, they allow you to feel more important, more intelligent, and call things by their pretentious, only for people in the know sorts of names. This is for those of us who can't afford cigars and chauffeurs and have to make it up in the little things. At How Do You Roll?, they don't make us say peasant things like "eel"; we get to say "unagi". We don't have to say "crab": instead, "kani". Why, did you want some Japanese egg omelet? No? What about "tomago"? Yeah, that's what I thought. +19 Of course you could say the other things but why would you want to? It's like driving a Dodge Caravan when you have a Honda Odyssey sitting in your driveway, moon roof ready for your access. Finally, an excuse to use all the Chinese I learned from the back of my fortunes at Pei Wei. (I'm just kidding guys sushi is obviously Japanese! Come on you plebes!)

Here's the other thing. Don't you think it's charming that they have a question mark in their name? How Do You Roll? Sushi. I think it's a bold move! Because it's not at the end of the name where it would be obnoxious - it's right in the middle! How Do You Roll? Sushi! +93 Oh gosh I think it's really cute and even I'm surprised by how much I like it. Normally I'm very irritated by superfluous punctuation. I mean what's up with the band Fun.? There's no need for a period at the end of their name! It's not a statement! It's not even a full sentence! It's just an adjective! Uggh it's infuriating. And the only band worse than Fun. is !!!. What kind of name is that? !!!? That is seriously the most hipster name in the universe. I mean let's not even go to the !!! concert, let's just sit in our rooms smoking hookah and wearing nonprescription glasses and talking about how bogus things are while wearing funky, eccentric socks. And suspenders. I'm not sure if "bogus" is a hipster word actually. Phony? Has that come around again? I feel like Holden Caulfield must have been the first hipster. It makes my teeth hurt. But How Do You Roll? Sushi doesn't have arbitrary punctuation; the question mark is a very important part of their name. I mean it's a question. How Do You Roll? And then it's customizable sushi. I just can't get enough of this guys. I can't.

Here's what's awful about How Do You Roll? Sushi. They have labelled menu items for things that are vegan and also things that are gluten-free. Are we seriously still accommodating those sorts of people in restaurants, guys? -6 Last time I checked, vegans and gluten-free lovers weren't protected classes under any sort of Civil Rights Act; we have the right to refuse service to them. I mean vegans are obviously subhumans to begin with, who doesn't eat meat? I mean seriously, all the cool species eat meat. Tigers eat meat. Polar bears eat meat. Whales eat plankton, and while I wouldn't call that "meat" it is a living creature. You know what kinds of things are vegan? Bunny rabbits. Squirrels. Deers. Defenseless animals! Have you ever seen a deer run a boardroom? I know everyone says it's different when it's your child, but I swear, if any kid of mine comes out of the closet as a vegan, I'm not paying for their college. You don't need a college degree to hug trees for a living, guys. You just don't. And those gluten free people! Look I know a person who has Celiac's disease so I'll refrain from saying what you're all thinking, that they're all just fakers. Come on, guys, that's not fair. (Heh heh heh like I haven't said way worse things than that before). But everyone else? Why not eat gluten? Because it's spelled in a funny way? That's just mean, guys! To pick on something because of the way it's spelled! That's just what it's mom wanted to call it, it had nothing to do with it! You guys are a bunch of jerks. And all I'm saying is that when restaurants start accommodating people like this, they're going to realize that some places are actually tolerant and they're going to start going there. And when these people are well fed, they'll start reproducing more of themselves. That's the last thing we need: an entire population of gluten haters. But if How Do You Roll? Sushi wants to let those people through their doors, I guess I can't stop them.

So I guess I have to end this by saying that EVERYONE should go to How Do You Roll? Sushi, not just the meat eating non-jerks. And don't be nervous about the Tunnels, either; contrary to popular belief, they don't flood whenever it rains in downtown. If you get lost, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Genghis Grill

I'm sorry to review two chain restaurants in a row, but Genghis Grill just opened it's seventh Houston location and it's in my neighborhood and they threw a party and I love parties so this is what you're getting, chumps. Genghis Grill.

So this party was a couple weeks ago, do you know who came around when we were seated? A man who makes balloon animals for a living! +67 There is nothing I find more amusing than people who make their living making balloon animals. I mean I don't really know too much about it, he's one of only two of this phenomena that I've met, the other was a young woman at Kroger for Mother's Day. (She made me a tiger and she even drew whiskers on it with a Sharpie. I got her number if anyone wants it; turned out she didn't want to go on a date, she just wanted to run entertainment at my next kid's party. :( ) But do you guys thing this is like, their full-time job, or it's just something they do nights and weekends for fun? How much do they get paid, making balloon animals? Do you have to go to balloon animal college? Is it an associate's degree or a full Bachelor of Arts, or like is it just a training certificate? Probably the BA. Are there clubs and groups you can join to meet other Balloon Artists? I start my senior year at college this year, you guys may or may not know, and that means I have one year to decide what I want to be when I grow up. So far the list had been: 1. Unicorn Rancher 2. Candy Taster at the Wonka Factory 3. Billionaire. Now, though, I have a number 4 swiftly coming up the ranks. Balloon Animal Grad School, here I come. I hope they have a good college here in Houston, I hate moving. -3

But back to Genghis Grill. So this guys comes round and he says would you like a balloon animal and I say yes, how about a dog. "A frog? Lovely!" That's not even what I asked for, but I happen to love frogs, I bought my shower curtain at Target and it's COVERED in frogs. I think maybe there's a leak or something in my bathroom, but I've called the exterminator. (No guys I was joking! They aren't real frogs on my shower curtain, they're just printed on! Only a joke guys!) My point was I asked for a dog but he made me a frog instead, but it wasn't even a cool frog! Like with big lips and weird looking eyes! Instead of a fun frog like that, he made me Yoshi, from Super Mario Brothers! Yoshi isn't even a frog, he's a dragon! -8 Come on guys, let's show a little professionalism, please.

The other thing is have you been to one of these? Go immediately. Here's what happens. You take your bowl, you go through this line of food, you put WHATEVER YOU WANT in your bowl, and then they fry everything up on the hibachi grill and suddenly instead of having a bowl of disgusting, good for you vegetables and raw meats, you have saucy, cooked foods that you can gulp down using either chopsticks OR forks! +9 It's so fun! You start out and you decide what kinds of meats you want, you can have as many as you want! As many! And then you can put some seasoning powders on it, as many as you want! And then there are all kinds of vegetables, and if you don't like some of them, it doesn't matter, there are fifty other vegetables to choose from! And if you mostly just want onions in yours, you can mostly just get onions! Ditto mushrooms! Ditto everything else they have! It's like that T.I. song "You Can Have Whatever You Like" but with an even better beat! Uggh it's just so satisfying. +89

The only thing that I think is silly is that on the wall by where you pick up your bowl, they have little cards with recipes on them for in case you don’t want to make your own decisions about what to put in your bowl. Why would you ever not want to make your own decisions about that sort of thing?? What sort of person goes to a place like Genghis Grill, in order to be constrained by the likes and dislikes of someone else?? That’s like going to Souper Salad so someone else can tell you what to put in your salad! -17 No, guys! That’s not the game we’re playing right now! If you don’t want to pick out your ingredients, you can go to a lame hibachi grill and just sit there and be amazed at the cook instead of going to Genghis Grill, where everyone knows that the truly cool things are picking out your own food and having balloon animals made for you! Get out! Just go!

All the rest of you, though, have a lovely Monday. If you have any information about balloon animal college, please feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Denny's

So I went to Denny’s the other week with my boyfriend and I know that I’ve spoken out about the difficulties of dating before, but I’ve mostly only dwelt on compromise and my inability to do it. Today I want to talk to you guys about keeping it fresh. You know? It’s so easy to get in a rut and I think I of all people am particularly susceptible to it due to the fact that I’m a Republican and abhor change. There’s so many things about our relationship that are growing stagnant, and so quickly. For instance, I’ve had the same pair of flip flops the entire time we’ve been dating! -2 They’re black and they have kind of a padded base to them, and I wear them at least six days a week. (On the seventh day I just don’t wear any shoes at all, don’t get too excited my immediate family) He’s going to get bored of looking at my feet and seeing only those, but the bottom of the flip flops is so thick they’re in no danger of being worn out! I’m going to keep them around for at least another solid year! And it’s not just the flip flops, either, guys! I learned this really funny joke about a year and a half ago (Q: What do gay horses eat? A: Haaaaaaaaay!) and I’ve told it to him at least a quarter of a million times. I can’t help it. It’s just so classically funny. I laughed when I typed it out to you guys, and trust me, it’s way better out loud. -4! Despite the lifestyle insensitivity, that stuff’s getting stale, no matter how hilarious it is. And I’m not going to stop telling it! So it was time for me to inject something new into our relationship, and I chose Denny’s as the proper place to do it. We got there kind of late, and they allowed us to seat ourselves, and as usual I chose a booth. I know, way to go, Boring Staid Catherine. But that’s not my real name! My name’s really just Catherine! So we seated ourselves, and Thomas slid into one side of the booth, and instead of sliding in across from him, I took the seat next to him! I know guys, I know. A bold move from the left hand corner, but I’m ballsy as they come. I think even the Denny’s wait staff was surprised by the move, but I don’t care. I’m tearing down all kinds of conventions, and it was only with your help, Denny’s. +3698 Now we won’t have to do something really crazy, like go to a different movie theater or start swinging. At a different park.

Here’s the thing about Denny’s, though. They are open 24 hours! I don’t think words can describe how much I love 24 hours places. The only problem is this: I’ll be sitting in my room, around eleven, deeply busy in the way only a strong, productive woman can be. You know, checking to see how many people read my blog in one internet tab, internet shopping on Forever 21’s home page on another, and watching HBO’s Big Love on another. Oh, man, I’ll think. I’m really on tonight. I can go for hours. Is that a little bit of hunger I’m feeling? It’s not too late to go to Denny’s – I’ll get a full meal in my belly, and then spend the rest of the night reading A Tree Grows In Brooklyn like I always wanted to. At this rate I can be done by 6 am! I grab my car keys, throw on my black platform flip flops, dash for the door. In 15 minutes I’m at Denny’s and ordering whichever Grand Slam variation intrigues me today. The food arrives, and I devour it like a lion that’s just killed their first wildebeast. When the food is gone, I lean back, satisfied with a job well done, and slurp down the last of my cup of water. Then I feel it. I’ve eaten too much food for so late at night, and the late night drowsies start to creep in. Well, it is past midnight now, I tell myself. I’ve had that particular copy of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn since my sophomore year of high school. One more day won’t hurt its feelings, right? By the time the bill comes, I’m nodding off at the dinner table and I can’t drive myself home and have to sleep underneath the booth like a homeless person. -76 These 24 hour places are a tricky b word, is what I’m trying to tell you. They seem so awesome and seductive, I know they do. But please don’t be fooled by them. You’ll fall asleep at the table too, and then where is your future??

Oh my gosh that’s not even the worst of it. I feel like it’s my duty as a food blogger to rat out Denny’s. When I went there with Thomas I was at the very peak of a fried egg craving. I knew that if I didn’t eat a fried egg soon my entire world would combust and they’d be scraping me off the ceiling. Luckily Denny’s is a breakfast place and luckily they have a Bacon Slamburger, which combines everyone’s favorite parts of breakfast with French fries and slaps them between a bun. Are you understanding what I’m telling you, guys? It’s eggs and hashbrowns, inside a bun. This is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. Obviously I ordered one, requesting my eggs over easy like I like them. If I’m not licking egg yolk off my chin someone’s not doing this right. But do you know what filth they brought me? They brought me a Bacon Slamburger with the eggs cooked ALL THE WAY THROUGH! Are you -kidding me? That’s your excuse for a burger?? There was no drippage at all! I’d wanted to run my French fries through the yolk that spilled out onto the plate, but there was nothing for them! Nothing! -98

Look Denny’s isn’t that bad guys. You should still check them out. They saved my relationship; maybe they can save yours, too.

Empire Cafe

Look I just want to lead with how good the cake is at Empire Cafe. I'm not even sure if they serve other food there, I've never offended them by looking at a menu. I'm just saying. If you want, leave this review now, go get some cake, and then we'll talk.

The thing about Empire Cafe is that they are right across the street from Cafe Brasil. I mean not directly across the street but they're pretty darn close. But the two places couldn't be more different than night and day! That's why it's called Empire Cafe instead of Cafe Empire! They wanted everybody to know that they were different and unaffiliated! +8 Here's the thing, guys. Cafe Brasil is always crawling with hipsters. I mean you can't go more that three feet without seeing a girl wearing a romper and oversized glasses that she doesn't need because she wears contacts anyway, or a guy with a tattoo sleeve that says "it's a good thing I like to look grungy, because this ensures I'll never get a real job and will be living off my trust fund for the rest of my life!" -9 The clientele at Empire Cafe could not be different, guys. The whole place is just filled with middle-aged women! And this one girl who was on her computer and had gotten the bottomless coffee and looked like she'd been there for hours, but she seemed like a real jerk so we won't count her. But seriously! Not a hipster in sight, just a bunch of friendly, well dressed women who actually tip their waitresses! How did they manage to be the only restaurant on Westheimer to attract that group? The cake?? There were these three women who were seated a few feet away from us, and do you know what they were talking about? Magic Mike! Oh, it was so authentic! I bet last month their book club read 50 Shades of Grey! +12 I went into the bathroom, and I was the only woman under 40 there! (Full disclosure, there was only one other woman in the bathroom.) I'm just saying guys. If you're tired of talking about Nietzche and wearing vests, there's only one place for you.

But I don't want you to get the wrong impression. There are hipsters at Empire Cafe. But they're all outside, on the patio! They keep the hipsters outside, where they can see and be seen, and let the normal people stay inside! +6 There's two rooms of air conditioned seating for the rest of us. The only thing is, guys... I make fun of hipsters to be trendy and cool, you know, kind of edgy and underground. So what does that mean? Does that mean I have to sit outside too??? I think I'm having an identity crisis guys let's just move on.

Like all decent restaurants, Empire Cafe has electric lighting. I know. Let me just hold you back before you go crazy, OK guys? But the thing is, their lights are shaped like stars! Giant golden stars, hanging from the ceiling! +16 And I want everybody to know that I actually spelled ceiling correctly on the first try there, which rarely happens for me! But it was beautiful, a celestial tableau spread above us when the outside world was cloudy and dark; at Empire Cafe, you can raise your eyes to the heavens and you will never get droplets of rain in them, whether you wear glasses or not!

And here's what I can't get enough of. Empire Cafe has so much parking! I've been working downtown for a while now guys, not to mention I'm now a commuter at the University of Houston, and if there's one thing I appreciate in the world it's not having to search for a parking spot for three hours. I should spend more time actually in a location than finding a parking spot for that location, right? Well never fear! At Empire Cafe they have the obligatory four car parking lot to the side, but they have a plethora of spots behind them and on the weekends, they take over the parking lot of the empty building next to them and you can park there, too! Now, it's just as convenient for everyone in your eight person party to drive separately as it is to drive together! Finally, someone to encourage us to consume more gasoline rather than less! Empire Cafe, you knew I'd give you +9376 for this, didn't you, that's why you did it! Man I love you! Empire Cafe, for the WIN!

There's one more thing to discuss with you my lovely fans. I have T-shirts for you! If you're interested in one, here's the link to my store:



Note: Pictured pajama shorts are not included; I hope you notice how much I'm giving it to you with that pose, I'm a natural model I think so if any of you have any gigs you need filled, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com and I'll put you in contact with my manager.