Hickory Hollow

Oh man guys, have you been here? It's The. Best.

The thing is I don't know if you know this, but I'm kind of obsessed with chicken fried steak. I'd never had it until we moved to Texas when I was nine; maybe I ate it before then, but I was never really aware of it till then. It's breaded steak, guys. Breaded, fried steak. The only thing I love almost as much as this are fried pork chops, because it's breaded, fried pork. I think you're beginning to see a trend here. Right I was first exposed to this wonder at a place called Underwood's Cafeteria, in Waco; it was really good, they had really great chicken fried steak but I think there was a death in the family, or something, and they sold the location and moved to Brownsville, which basically ruined my life. I've been searching for a replacement ever since; my boyfriend actually makes a pretty mean chicken fried steak which is one of the main reasons I'm still dating him (following, of course, his understanding of my emotional neediness, his willingness to drive me places, and the fact that the longer you're in a relationship, the less you have to shave your legs).  Last Thursday, that search took me to Hickory Hollow. Here's what you need to know: for $15, you get a chicken fried steak large enough to feed two people, two sides, and an industrial sized cup of gravy. That cup of gravy could have kept an Ethiopian family fed for a year. +8 Any defects in the chicken fried steak itself could have been covered up with salt, which I like to indiscriminately add to my food anyway.

Fried okra. They have it. +12

They also have signed pictures on the wall of famous people who've eaten there. The Marshall Tucker Band? They've been there! Molly, from famous Houston band Molly and the Whips? Ate there. (I'm taking this Beverage Marketing class right now and there's a girl named Molly in the class; every week while calling roll she asks if we've heard of Miss Molly and the Whips and the thing is, none of us have. From my research they appear to have been popular in the Houston scene in the early 90's; thing is, when they split up, I was six. And living in Georgia. I've never heard of these people before, and neither have my classmates. ANY of them. As you know, since Monday I've accepted becoming a hipster and have to ask: does starting an interest in old Houston area bands make me more underground and cultured, or just boring? Email thoughts and council to arbitrarycriticism@live.com please and thank you) It just makes me feel good, because eating at Hickory Hollow makes me AT LEAST as cool as all these famous people who's faces are plastered across the walls, and I'm into that. Before I was a hipster I was just a straight up bougie, you know, hanging out in hotel bars, drinking Andre champagne, pretending like I don't love Taco Bell, working on my singing career. (Grandma - bougie defined). I love the idea of doing things famous people have already done, and if that means eating chicken fried steak at Hickory Hollow, I'm ALL FOR IT. +31

Here's what I don't like. In an effort to be rustic and charming, on their sign, they write the "k" in "hickory" backwards. They even do it on their website. I'm against this, folks. All I'm saying is, enjoying Texas comfort food does not mean you're illiterate and can't write letters correctly! I'd just like to clear up some misconceptions for my out of state readers. 1. That was the first time I've used "folks" in a sentence in, like, a while. 2. I've never said ya'll except to make fun of somebody. 3. I hate Dr. Pepper. 4. I don't even own a horse, and even if I did, I'd still drive my '96 Dodge Caravan (read: not a truck) to school every day instead of taking livestock down the busy roads of I-45 and 610. 5. It's OK if you mess with me, I don't carry a gun, I'd probably try some pretty non-confrontational strategies before engaging in violence. It is, however, true that everything is bigger in Texas. You can believe that part. I'm just saying, we should be trying to improve the image of Texas, not allow everyone to think we're a bunch of hicks. -2

OK well I'd love to talk longer but I have to go try new restaurants for you guys it's a rough life I live.

Jenni's Noodle House

I'd originally planned on using Jenni's Noodle House (3111 South Shepherd) for my Thursday review; unfortunately, I fell madly in love with it and you're stuck with them today instead of tomorrow.

The thing is, I've been kind of sick, and like all good girlfriends I invited my boyfriend over to take care of me, wait on me hand and foot, etc throughout my convalescence and I thoughtfully sneezed and coughed in his general direction enough that he, too, fell ill. Having nobody else to humor me in my sorry state, I decided it was time for both of us to get better and agreed to meet him at Jenni's Noodle House for hot soup and health. He's always raving about this joint and I'm like, hello, every pho place is exactly the same. But that's not true!! This pho place is way trendier and more urban than any other pho place you've ever been to! For one thing, they only serve two phos, "pho" and "faux pho", all the rest are just other Asian broth based wonders. For another thing, do you know what kind of music they play at this joint? Forever Young, for one! They played Bruce Springsteen! Listamania! +12! Every song you need to listen to while standing on a street corner in the rain, waiting for a taxi! Except "We are Young" by Fun., they didn't play that song.

And then their bathrooms! Guys, come on! They have onesie bathrooms for each the girls and the guys, but you go in, and the size! It's like it's a twosie or a threesie bathroom stall, there's so much room in there! They could have the entire band Fun. in there, playing "We Are Young" with their backs turned while you use the facilities to completely round out the urban feel. They could do that, they have the space. +3 They also use some kind of toilet paper that's thin like generic two-ply, like the generic two-ply most restaurants use, but it's soft like Charmin Ultra Soft and much more elastic. There was a lot of give in their toilet paper! It was pretty good stuff, and this is coming from an experienced toilet paper critic! I'm not saying I'd switch brands from my best friend Charmin Ultra Soft, but I'm saying it's worth checking out, gang. It's worth checking out. +10

The other thing is, do you know what they sell their T-shirts in? Little sushi containers! They're all folded up and crammed into these tiny sushi boxes, I think it's really clever! I've seen restaurants selling shirts in those Chinese take-out boxes before, that's not even cute any more, that's just strained and trite. But those sushi boxes? For one thing it's convenient because it's got a clear lid so you can see what you're buying without feeling like you have to commit, and then for another thing, I've never seen it done anywhere else before! I'm 21 years old, guys! I'm getting cynical and jaded! There's so little I haven't seen before! But then this comes along and I want to pour soy sauce all over it and eat it with sriracha! I love it! +17

The only downside about Jenni's is this. I just started a new job and I have this new coworker named Flanagan and I think we might be frenemies at best. Here's the thing he's always pretended to be interested in my blog, asking me where I've eaten, and he hates EVERYTHING that I love! You know what he said about Jus' Mac? That their plain mac and cheese is good, but he "doesn't need everything else on top if it. If [he is] going to eat a chili dog, [he is] going to eat a chili dog. [He's] not going to eat macaroni." Excuse me? And you don't even want to know what he said about Taco Bell's Doritos Locos Taco, you know, the really delicious one that's a regular taco but it has a Dorito shell instead of a regular shell. You know, THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD. All Flanagan ever wants to talk about is eating at nice restaurants and how he has such a discerning palate and I thought we could still be friends guys, I thought we could get through this, sometimes I tolerate opinions opposite to my own, SOMETIMES, until I saw him recently and told him how much I liked Jenni's Noodle House and he said they were OK he guessed, if I liked "nonauthentic, trendy food."

That really shut me up, guys. I thought I liked authentic food. I like Mexican restaurants in Mexican parts of town better than ones on Westheimer! That means I love authenticity, I thought! I eat at Vietnemese restaurants downtown! Sometimes! But guys I think Flanagan is right! I think I do like places just because they are trendy sometimes, just because they play Forever Young over the speakers and have silly, fun to pronounce menu items like "Faux Pho". Guys I think I'm a hipster and I didn't even know it. I have, like, four plaid shirts, I just did an inventory. I own a Member's Only jacket. I know all the words to Home by Edward Sharpe. Once, I drank half a six-pack of Lonestar. Lonestar! It's official. Flanagan's right. I'm a hipster, and I've lost all credibility. I'm sorry, guys.

Ruchi's

It's just a fact that everybody who's ever consumed any sort of alcoholic beverage in Houston has been to Ruchi's. I'm not really sure why, I just go because that's what Houstonians do and I live in perpetual fear that somebody is going to notice that I'm actually a transplant and this guy I dated my freshman year of college had to actually explain to me what Westheimer was. I thought it was an abbey in England. (I'm just kidding guys I'm not that much of an idiot.)(Mostly.) For those of you who maybe don't blend in to the Houston scene as well as I do, I'll give you a break down on why Ruchi's is the best place in the world when maybe you had a bowl of French onion soup in which the alcohol wasn't completely boiled out.

Obviously the most important thing about Ruchi's is they are open 24 hours. And, located at 3102 S Shepherd Dr, they are the 24 hour Mexican restaurant closest to the bars and apartments I like to imbibe at. +23 I don't want you to think I'm the kind of tacky person who drinks and drives, because I'm not, that's what sober people are for, at any given time, I think we can agree that over half the population is sober, but after about 11:30 no matter how much sleep I've been getting, my eye lids kind of start to turn down on the edges and I want food. This is my number one desire after ten o'clock post meridian. Foooood. Ruchi's is right there, and I can get in there, do my late night binge eating, and then get out before my official midnight bedtime. *Times are approximate, their service maybe isn't the fastest.

What else is great about Ruchi's, you ask? They're one of those great Mexican restaurants that always brings two kinds of salsa. I love this, because 9 times out of 10 I'm going to passionately hate one of them. If they just bring me one salsa, I'm going to love it no matter what, because I have to. Two salsas gives me the freedom to despise, and as a lady I need that. +8 Personally, I hate their green salsa and love their red salsa, but I reserve the right to change my mind on that tomorrow as is my duty as a woman.

Here's the thing. You know what Ruchi's has in their ladies' room? Actually advertisements. That's right. You're not looking at the newspaper when you pee, like other bathrooms. You're looking at ads that people have posted! And they're for the weirdest things, too! There's this study at Rice, and they need people who have never smoked a cigarette, and people who smoke cigarettes all the time and have no intention of ever quitting. They have a club, though let's face it, I'd much rather go from the club to Ruchi's than from Ruchi's to the club, that's just me. I want to say there was an advertisement for quinceaneras too, but I was there a while ago and I don't really remember and am probably just being racist. All I'm saying is, this is exactly what I've been missing! Haven't we all been sitting at home flipping through our magazines or watching television and thinking to ourselves, gosh, I'd really like to go to a restaurant right now, but then I'd have to stop having my thoughts infiltrated by the marketing of companies I'll probably never use! +10 Ruchi's just solves all my problems now I never have to be without the subtle messages of the media.

Look here's what everyone needs to know. Every time I've been to Ruchi's, I've parked next door in the Petsmart parking lot. Here's the thing. You don't have to park next door in the Petsmart parking lot. What I never knew before a week ago is that, in fact, Ruchi's has a parking lot BEHIND their store location, accessible only from Richmond and not from Shepherd at all. Just so you know. You're welcome, teammates.

The Waffle Bus

Some of you guys may be familiar with the Waffle Bus because it's been parked in front of the UC at the University of Houston all semester long; others of you might know it from it's sordid night life. The rest of you aren't cool enough to track Houston food trucks around town, a la Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (but less slutty.)(Did you guys see that movie? What was up with that piece of gum? That's pretty gross stay classy guys -12) Anyway. Look here's the thing, I think we all stand on the same plane on the pancake/waffle debate. Waffles are way better: they are crispier, they are perfectly honeycombed to trap in maximum amounts of butter and syrup, they are square, you can make them easily into cool shapes like the state of Texas with a "UH" emblazoned on it with just the purchase of a waffle iron in the desired shape, you can turn them into the best kind of ice cream cone. (Though honestly I just like the way waffle cones are shaped; they are actual cones. Shouldn't all ice cream cones be coned shaped? I mean it seems like it's the sort of thing that FDA Truth in Menu laws should cover, they shouldn't be those weird two tiered shapes where it's like a cylinder and then there's like this rounded semicircle resting on top, that is not a cone, that's not even a real shape, they have to come up with something different for that. At least waffle cones are honest about what they are, they aren't trying to lie to you about anything.) And then as well it (along, admittedly, with the dreaded pancakes) is in the highest tier of foods, breakfast foods, which as you know I consume for 90% of my meals. So I'll give the Waffle Bus that. +67 I'll admit though that I was a little disappointed when I looked at their menu. I like waffles covered in different fruits and different syrups, and I'll admit that there's not a lot of different things you can do with waffles, but their menu seems to focus less on breakfast waffles and more on chicken and waffles. Which is fine I guess, but chicken and waffles to me is a recent trend whereas waffles and fruit is something that will stand by you through anything, through your drinking problem, through your divorce, through the repeated hospitalization of your fish Melvin. Chicken and waffles never did that for me. Chicken and waffles just wants to go to your birthday party if there's going to be a lot of hot girls there. Chicken and waffles wants to talk about themselves all the time. Chicken and waffles is only going to go to the bar with you if someone else is DDing. And who got the majority of the menu space? Chicken and waffles. -23 Don't get me wrong, there was probably an equal distribution of menu items among the two, but the words "Chicken and Waffles" was written WAY bigger! And way more times! It's disrespect and I want to apologize to waffles and fruit and say that I went with the fair weather friend and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. On the topic of food trucks, though, can we take a moment to discuss issues around Houston? Now, I don't like to talk politics (I'm just kidding, I love to talk politics) but this guy came into one of my classes and was talking about his involvement with the National Restaurant Association and Texas Restaurant Association and the involvement with both of them in forming the legislation around Houston, and legislation regarding food trucks in general. He stood up in front of the class and told us that it wasn't fair that brick and mortar restaurants invest millions of dollars in capital in order to turn a profit and food trucks only invest hundreds of thousands of dollars in capital to turn the same profit, and that it wasn't fair that food trucks had less overhead and could travel to where the business was and didn't have to wait for the business to travel to them, and that we should enact legislation to even the playing field. Now I don't want to tell you how to think (yes I do), but don't you think that if it's more efficient to build food trucks, then maybe we should have more of them, rather than less? If cooking is an art form, then shouldn't we have more, more innovative art than restricting ourselves to art that is clearly too expensive and inconvenient to support itself? I'm not saying I'm never going to eat at a brick and mortar restaurant ever again, obviously, in the history of this blog this is only the second food truck I've reviewed. I'm just saying that I think it's important for us to celebrate the things that are pulling culinary arts forward instead of pushing them to the back, and I'm calling out for that in the most public forum I know how, my famous restaurant review blog! If you're interested, you can find more information at mfuhouston.com and you can sign a petition to remove some of the harsher regulation, here.

James Coney Island

You know people can say what they want about Houston, about the obesity of our fair city, the general excess of our population, the greed of our corporations, but I don't care who you are, it's freaking awesome that we have our own fast food chain. And it's a hot dog chain? God what a great city we live in. +9

Here's the thing about hot dogs. I went to Bonnaroo with Melissa and our friend Mariam two summers ago and if you've ever been to a music festival with more than three people attending, you know that there is never an available bathroom. Everyone's trying to get over the bad acid, vomiting, drinking to much water, and I was in line for forty-five minutes. Behind me in line were two girls having a very philosophical, deep conversation about what to have for lunch that day.

"Anna said the pizza was alright. Let's just eat some pizza."

"Maybe. I don't know. I really just want a hot dog." But she didn't say hot dog like a normal person would. She was from New York. Did you hear it? Let's continue their conversation.

"A hot dog? I don't know. You can get those anywhere." Did you hear it that time? I bet you did.

"You can get pizza anywhere! I really just want a hot dog." There. She doesn't say "hot dog"; she says "hat dooag." "I really just want a hat dooag." Oh. My. Gosh. I haven't been this in love with a woman since Catherine Zeta-Jones appeared in the Ocean's movies. +12 Since then, I've never eaten a hot dog. No matter where I go, I always order the hat dooag. I've been working on my New York accent. How's this? "Whattaya mean yeh don't havany hat dooags? Letdme tak to yer meanaga!" Heheheheheh man is making fun of people from New York fun.

Anyway. So James Coney Island combines my favorite things: making fun of people from New York, fast food, and stuff you can only get in Houston. As you know, as a Houston immigrant, I'm trying to assimilate myself to the culture of this place, and one of the ways that I've chosen to do it, besides name dropping Mayor Annise Parker at every available moment, is to eat at JCI and then complain about how bad JCI is. +7 The thing is they aren't even that bad, I mean they aren't great, they're hat dooags, what can you do with a hat dooag? There's only so much you can do to processed meat food and buns. Nobody was expecting them to reinvent the wheel here. With what they were given, they have done great things. Have you tried Sonic's new line of hat dooags? Not the foot long Coney, that things amazing, don't ever say anything bad about it in my presence. Having a bad day? The Coney is the way to cure it. You'll be so focused on how bad your breath is and your heartburn, you won't even be able to think about how awful your day was. But their other dooags? They've got nothing on JCI. It's definitely safe to say that among fast food hat dooags, they are king.

The other thing. Chili French fries. Enough said.

Here's the con though. And it's not a very big con. It's just that dining at JCI is much like ordering a soda at your mall food court - if you want a refill, you're gonna have to go back and ask for one. While this is, it's true, probably good for your over all soda intake, guys, I'm a Republican! I don't like asking anybody for anything! I'm not going to go up to the counter and ask somebody to do something they let children do! -15 Especially because sometimes I like mixing together several different types of soda, and how are you supposed to ask the lady behind the counter to do that for you? It's impossible! She'll laugh you out of the store! No. I'm a fully capable adult, I went to college, I can fill up my own cup of soda. Dislike.

Still. They aren't the worst place in the world, and if you're interested in a date who's willing to call them hat dooags so you don't have to, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Aladdin

Look back in the olden days, I used to eat Greek, Mediterranean food because I liked it. Now, I strictly eat that stuff because I can pretentiously roll my eyes and say things like "this baba ghanoush is good, but I had better in Athens." Get ready for a very obnoxious Arbitrary Criticism this Monday. +7

The thing that I love about Aladdin is the tile work when you first enter the building, really ornate Turkish tile. When I visited Turkey this summer (I'm sorry, did I make it sound like this review was at all going to cover anything except my vacation?) my parents and I went and visited the ancient city of Ephesus; you guys have probably never done anything so cool so I'll dish on how awesome it was. For one thing it was built thousands of years B.C., which makes it older even that my biology professor freshman year. For another thing they had a secret passageway from the library to the brothel across the street, which is pretty cool, I've give them how awesome that is. I watched a lot of Scooby Do when I was younger, and having a secret passageway has always been a bit of a dream of mine. Still, my friend Nick used to work at the UH library, and he told me some skeezy details about things he came across which suggests to me that maybe no secret passageway is necessary. Our tour guide showed us some ancient text carved into the stone outside the brothel, and told us that this was the first advertisement in the world. This claim has not been independently verified. (I just started reading the newspaper again and they say this all the time; I'm starting to realize that it means the same thing I mean when I use it, that the journalists are just too lazy to do any digging on their own.) Ephesus was constructed before the Turkish tile you and I are familiar with from outside Aladdin, but they did have very ornate mosaics laid into the tile of their homes. +21

What's good about Aladdin is that you can get a lot of food for not too much money. I think their special is three vegetables and one meat for $10.99, and four vegetables for $9.99. I mean it's not the cheapest meal in Houston but I took home leftovers and ate them again for dinner. +10 Even when I'm a millionaire (in about two more years I think) I'm going to be complaining about how much restaurants cost, maybe I'm not the most objective person to have a discussion on this. When I was abroad this summer (yeah I went there), my family and I frequently had the opportunity to dine on taster platters of nations' foods. Personally I'm a huge fan of grape leaves, I didn't try them at Aladdin, but in Greece and Turkey each I had the chance to try them. I'll tell you that the ones I had in Greece were much saucier than in Turkey, which I liked, but in Turkey I found the filling to be a bit tastier. Obviously I didn't have enough room in my belly to try them from enough places to independently verify if this is a trend across the nations or just the specific way each restaurant prepares them. I actually never did have baba ghanoush until I was in Greece; I've always been a hummus girl but I really like how lumpy baba ghanoush is and I think I like it better. The baba ghanoush is really kind of sour at Aladdin, it's not bad but it's not the same, guys. The guy behind the counter wouldn't even give it to me until I understood that it wasn't the same, which was nice of him to look out for me. +12

The first thing you see when you walk into Aladdin is a sign on their Coke machine, an advertisement, with two men with their arms around each others shoulders and big bold print that says "We know your partnership needs financial planning too" or something like that to indicate, in case you were worried, that Aladdin is not owned by Chick-fil-a. +5 Greece is not, to my understanding, gay, but they could certainly use the financial advice. Bazinga!

The other good thing about Aladdin is they actually have a lot of parking available. I guess it's kind of hard to find their parking, if you're my boyfriend, but they have two lots which is a lot when you're a restaurant on Westheimer. In Europe, this isn't really necessary because all of their cars are three feet long and you can fit six of them in a normal parking spot. I was really excited about moving to Europe when I first got there, because I understood that their gasoline cost 1.78 a gallon, but then my dad pointed out to me that it was actually 1.78 EUROS per LITER, which means their gasoline costs thirty thousand dollars per gallon. This number has not been independently verified. +87

If you're interested in seeing my 1700 pictures from my trip to Europe, please email me at arbitrarycriticism.com and I'll set up a time in which I can look at them all with you and delight you with all the details.