Alright guys I've come to understand the fatal flaws of food trucks. Look don't get me wrong my main problem with food trucks is always going to be the exercise inherently necessary in eating at a food truck; none of them have drive thru and they don't deliver, like my favorite restaurant Jimmy Johns, who will deliver you one sandwich just because you've already taken off your bra and put on your pjs for the evening.
Here it is, the foe of food trucks: Wind. So here's how my day happened: I was having a pretty good morning, I slept in way later than I'd intended to so I was super well rested, I drove to campus where I found a parking spot within one minute of searching for one, IN MY FAVORITE PARKING LOT. This has never happened to me before so I was pretty excited. What normally happens is I drive to campus and I start looking for a parking spot and I can't find one and I can't find one and thirty minutes go by and I've used an entire dinosaur in gasoline and I start to get really mad and so I call up my boyfriend, as if he can help me find a parking spot, and I scream and I yell and I complain and I ask him over and over again, "why do they even sell parking permits if they know they don't have parking spots?" He's used to this he'll never admit it but I assume he's on the other end playing Sonic just nodding his head and saying "I know baby" and all the proper intervals, I mean this is a pretty typical encounter he's probably got the script down by now. And then when I start to feel better about life I'll find a parking spot but I won't apologize to Thomas for disrupting his morning, it's just not my style. So here in front of everyone, buddy, I'm sorry, I really am. Anyways so yesterday morning I found one right off the bat and I'm feeling great, I slept well, I'm not stressed, just to let Thomas off the hook I start to send him a text message telling him to take off his battle gear there will be no verbal onslaught to fight off today, and I lock my car door and I close it and then I realize, #$*@ #*$#( &!(#, I've locked my keys in my car. Again. AGAIN, guys, I do this all the time. I've done this so many times that I can tell you that Jaime is the guy who will typically come if you lock your keys in your car in West U, he's really nice, he goes to UHD and he's studying business. I have such a close relationship with AAA that I can actually identify most of the people who will come service your vehicle, for an assortment of reasons, by sight and by name. Anyways so last year I got in trouble with my dad for using so many service calls that they sent him a letter demanding that he train his daughter better; I vowed that this year I would do better.
Anyways, so like I said this is a pretty regular occurrence so I've made provisions and I've printed keys to my car for everyone I live with and I texted my girl Melissa and she was on campus and she said she'd hand it over and I went to meet her and we decided to go to Kurbside Eatz for lunch before I headed on home. So I'm not in a good mood but I think maybe a taco will do me some good and I order it and I'm eating it and guys it is so freaking windy. This is it. This is the foe to food trucks. The wind was blowing the sauce off of my taco, I'm not kidding guys, I have the spotted cardigan to prove it. I mean I'm a slob but I'm not that much of a slob, my mother teaches etiquette for a living for goodness sakes. It blew off the cilantro, it blew away my napkins, I'm standing here trying to put some sustenance into my tiny, grumpy body and it's just impossible. -72 I'm convinced that the food trucks work in concert with the weather; it's this huge conspiracy they don't even have to bother making good food, they just slip the weather a twenty and it blows everything away so you have no idea if it was enjoyable or not. Look guys I'm not a fan of conspiracies, I think they're a low blow, I can't believe the government faked the moon landing, I think it's really rude that they're covering up Area 59, and I just am not a fan of this wind that Kurbside Eatz intentionally set to blow across the top of my taco yesterday morning.
So this is it, guys, your official warning: don't go to food trucks because they are smarter than us and they will alter the environment around them to steal money from poor, innocent, too-dumb-to-take-their-keys-out-of-their-ignition college students.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Moon Tower Inn
I'd like to start this review by telling you how much I love the movie Dazed and Confused, which I assume is where this restaurant got it's name. (Except seriously come on guys why is it called Moon Tower INN? You can't stay there, there are no rooms, they don't even have a stable you can hunker down in and give birth to a child and start a religious revolution. Plus it's all outside so it's not like you can even comfortably squat, you know, if it's raining or muggy. You'd wake up all sweaty and your neck would hurt.) My favorite part of the movie though is Matthew McConaughey when he says, "You know what I like about high school girls? I keep getting older, and they stay the same age." Gosh that's classic. Especially because he's doing the voice overs on those energy commercials, it's all I can think about whenever they play. There's some free marketing feedback for you guys: when people hear your ads, we think of gentle, playful pedophilia. +12 It's a great movie though seriously I could watch it two days in a row, no problem.
Here's what I didn't know about Moon Tower Inn: I had no idea they were open during daylight hours! According to Yelp!, they open as early as noon some days. As a college student, I've always preferred to limit my visits to the Moon Tower to the evening, usually after I've already had a meal and am just looking to chill out somewhere that people go on bikes. (Obviously I never go there on a bike, I buy my clothing without it having been pre-worn and I don't drink PBR; look hipsters I'm not trying to say I'm better than you I'm just saying I'm eating all of your foods without the added stress of having to be ironic about it). Anyways I'm struggling to decide how I feel about this. In the darkness, MTI looks like a patch of grass with some picnic tables in it (in the new Moon Tower Inn, the movie screen is still being rebuilt; the guy at the counter told me they would be building a whole sound stage I guess so that bands can go play there too, this is pretty exciting since sometimes this is all the culture I get. However this means that I don't even have the benefit of a glow coming from the movie screen so like if there was a giant subterranean rat coming up from the depths of Houston to kill everyone there I really never would have known, be careful guys it could be a real danger.) What could it possibly look like in the daytime? It's possible to tell that they have done some renovations, for instance they are no longer some tiny crappy looking building but a larger less crappy looking building. I think they are painted a different color. Look it looks the same as it did before in the dead of night but the hot dogs are still just as good as they were before so it's OK if you guys want to show up again. +34
Here's what else I like about the Moon Tower they have all those cool draft beers but I'll be honest with you guys I'm not a huge beer drinker, I always get a headache the next morning and it just doesn't taste that great to me, I'm sorry everyone I know I've let you down. I go for the hot dogs exclusively. But guess what they sell there! They sell Mexican cokes! You know, the ones that come in a glass bottle and they're made with real sugar? So awesome they taste so much better than regular cokes +91. Anyways I love these things can I tell you something that I read? Just to clarify I read this in a newspaper, not the internet, which means it's automatically true. Anyways it said that scientists have determined that your body reacts to the sugars in corn syrup differently than it does to the sugar in "sugar", and you have less weight gain that you do with regular sugar. Never in this article did it explicitly mention to me that I will still gain weight from real sugar, which means I've been drinking Mexican cokes like they are going out of style, I'm talking once every one, two weeks. This is heavy soda drinking for me, guys. Any weight loss over this time period can easily be covered up by my constant binges on Twix and Doritos! It's so convenient plus my scale covers up absolutely everything so I will never know the truth. My point is eat at Moon Tower Inn, you'll lose weight.
Here's what I didn't know about Moon Tower Inn: I had no idea they were open during daylight hours! According to Yelp!, they open as early as noon some days. As a college student, I've always preferred to limit my visits to the Moon Tower to the evening, usually after I've already had a meal and am just looking to chill out somewhere that people go on bikes. (Obviously I never go there on a bike, I buy my clothing without it having been pre-worn and I don't drink PBR; look hipsters I'm not trying to say I'm better than you I'm just saying I'm eating all of your foods without the added stress of having to be ironic about it). Anyways I'm struggling to decide how I feel about this. In the darkness, MTI looks like a patch of grass with some picnic tables in it (in the new Moon Tower Inn, the movie screen is still being rebuilt; the guy at the counter told me they would be building a whole sound stage I guess so that bands can go play there too, this is pretty exciting since sometimes this is all the culture I get. However this means that I don't even have the benefit of a glow coming from the movie screen so like if there was a giant subterranean rat coming up from the depths of Houston to kill everyone there I really never would have known, be careful guys it could be a real danger.) What could it possibly look like in the daytime? It's possible to tell that they have done some renovations, for instance they are no longer some tiny crappy looking building but a larger less crappy looking building. I think they are painted a different color. Look it looks the same as it did before in the dead of night but the hot dogs are still just as good as they were before so it's OK if you guys want to show up again. +34
Here's what else I like about the Moon Tower they have all those cool draft beers but I'll be honest with you guys I'm not a huge beer drinker, I always get a headache the next morning and it just doesn't taste that great to me, I'm sorry everyone I know I've let you down. I go for the hot dogs exclusively. But guess what they sell there! They sell Mexican cokes! You know, the ones that come in a glass bottle and they're made with real sugar? So awesome they taste so much better than regular cokes +91. Anyways I love these things can I tell you something that I read? Just to clarify I read this in a newspaper, not the internet, which means it's automatically true. Anyways it said that scientists have determined that your body reacts to the sugars in corn syrup differently than it does to the sugar in "sugar", and you have less weight gain that you do with regular sugar. Never in this article did it explicitly mention to me that I will still gain weight from real sugar, which means I've been drinking Mexican cokes like they are going out of style, I'm talking once every one, two weeks. This is heavy soda drinking for me, guys. Any weight loss over this time period can easily be covered up by my constant binges on Twix and Doritos! It's so convenient plus my scale covers up absolutely everything so I will never know the truth. My point is eat at Moon Tower Inn, you'll lose weight.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Eatsie Boys
As my faithful followers will know, I previously reviewed the Eatsie Boys food truck. Being a serious, professional journalist, it was my duty to return to the new, re-visioned, brick and mortar Eatsie Boys to let you know my important opinions.
I would like to start out by saying that what I think is the best about Eatsie Boys is translated very well into their new location, which is how super nice everybody who works there is. When I went and it was a food truck, they gave a whole sandwich to a mean homeless guy. This time everyone was so nice and they answered all of my nosy questions and then I told the guy at the counter, "thanks, bro," and he said, "don't bro me if you don't know me," but he smiled, and he wasn't being mean to me, we were sharing a jest about common vernacular on the streets. We were buds. +14 People open doors for you, at Eatsie Boys. People at Eatsie Boys would let you sleep on their couch, and if you stayed a couple weeks longer to leave than you'd originally told them, they wouldn't start acting rude and restless in your company and they wouldn't start hinting that you begin paying rent. They're good, solid men, and ladies, you should date all of them.
Another good thing about Eatsie Boys is that they have a dog friendly patio. Here's something you guys didn't know: I'm house sitting right now, which means that I have a dog for my own personal use, 24/7, for an entire week. She's beautiful and we like to do the things that I normally do with my own dog together, like eat French fries and watch crappy television (now that I have a house I have cable, guys; I can't wait to be a bona fide adult it seems like the best gig ever). We also go on walks and bark at squirrels and scare pigeons together, but this dog's a bit older so she's not quite as good at those things as I am and my real dog Chester is. Shout out to Chester, who's brown and lives with my parents and is the best dog ever; I want you to know, Chet, that this new dog refuses to cuddle and she doesn't sneeze nearly as much as you do, she will never replace you. Anyway Eatsie Boys respects that sometimes people are house sitting and walking around in the camouflage of being a real adult and need things to do with their new pet dog; Eatsie Boys will even allow you, for no extra charge, to take your fake dog to their restaurant (provided you sit outside) and let you pretend to all of their patrons that you're a real adult and have a real job and pay all of your bills and not just some of them. They will let you fake owning cable. They will let you falsify your area code. At Eatsie Boys, they will let you make believe whatever you want to be. +192
Look guys I don't want you to think that I have strayed into the forum of actual restaurant reviews; I'd prefer to leave that to the experts. I would, however, like to share a few words with you about their Shipley's Glazed and Confused Ice Cream. According to the employee that I interviewed, who remains anonymous because I didn't ask him for his name (so much for my burgeoning journalism career), they make this ice cream by soaking actual Shipley's donuts in their ice cream base for (I believe) at least a day. The result is that their ice cream tastes exactly like a Shipley's donut and even has the same texture as the donut glaze. Guys, it's awesome. This is just the thing emotional eaters like myself have been waiting for. I don't know how many times I've been laying in bed watching the Notebook alternatively stuffing my face with handfuls of popcorn and bonbons and thought, Man I could really go for something else... should I go out and buy a dozen donuts, or a gallon of ice cream? (Obviously you can't get both because when in the depths of despair it's impossible to have the amount of social interactions that would take place in both a trip to the grocery store AND the donut store). Now I don't ever have to make that decision again. Now I can just go to Eatsie Boys. +34
These men are visionaries, guys. They are visionaries. Any Eatsie Boys employees who find themselves single, please email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com and I'll set you up with my most favorite female friends, post haste. \
I would like to start out by saying that what I think is the best about Eatsie Boys is translated very well into their new location, which is how super nice everybody who works there is. When I went and it was a food truck, they gave a whole sandwich to a mean homeless guy. This time everyone was so nice and they answered all of my nosy questions and then I told the guy at the counter, "thanks, bro," and he said, "don't bro me if you don't know me," but he smiled, and he wasn't being mean to me, we were sharing a jest about common vernacular on the streets. We were buds. +14 People open doors for you, at Eatsie Boys. People at Eatsie Boys would let you sleep on their couch, and if you stayed a couple weeks longer to leave than you'd originally told them, they wouldn't start acting rude and restless in your company and they wouldn't start hinting that you begin paying rent. They're good, solid men, and ladies, you should date all of them.
Another good thing about Eatsie Boys is that they have a dog friendly patio. Here's something you guys didn't know: I'm house sitting right now, which means that I have a dog for my own personal use, 24/7, for an entire week. She's beautiful and we like to do the things that I normally do with my own dog together, like eat French fries and watch crappy television (now that I have a house I have cable, guys; I can't wait to be a bona fide adult it seems like the best gig ever). We also go on walks and bark at squirrels and scare pigeons together, but this dog's a bit older so she's not quite as good at those things as I am and my real dog Chester is. Shout out to Chester, who's brown and lives with my parents and is the best dog ever; I want you to know, Chet, that this new dog refuses to cuddle and she doesn't sneeze nearly as much as you do, she will never replace you. Anyway Eatsie Boys respects that sometimes people are house sitting and walking around in the camouflage of being a real adult and need things to do with their new pet dog; Eatsie Boys will even allow you, for no extra charge, to take your fake dog to their restaurant (provided you sit outside) and let you pretend to all of their patrons that you're a real adult and have a real job and pay all of your bills and not just some of them. They will let you fake owning cable. They will let you falsify your area code. At Eatsie Boys, they will let you make believe whatever you want to be. +192
Look guys I don't want you to think that I have strayed into the forum of actual restaurant reviews; I'd prefer to leave that to the experts. I would, however, like to share a few words with you about their Shipley's Glazed and Confused Ice Cream. According to the employee that I interviewed, who remains anonymous because I didn't ask him for his name (so much for my burgeoning journalism career), they make this ice cream by soaking actual Shipley's donuts in their ice cream base for (I believe) at least a day. The result is that their ice cream tastes exactly like a Shipley's donut and even has the same texture as the donut glaze. Guys, it's awesome. This is just the thing emotional eaters like myself have been waiting for. I don't know how many times I've been laying in bed watching the Notebook alternatively stuffing my face with handfuls of popcorn and bonbons and thought, Man I could really go for something else... should I go out and buy a dozen donuts, or a gallon of ice cream? (Obviously you can't get both because when in the depths of despair it's impossible to have the amount of social interactions that would take place in both a trip to the grocery store AND the donut store). Now I don't ever have to make that decision again. Now I can just go to Eatsie Boys. +34
These men are visionaries, guys. They are visionaries. Any Eatsie Boys employees who find themselves single, please email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com and I'll set you up with my most favorite female friends, post haste. \
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Salata
So like everyone here in Houston I'm very eager to watch Salata grow into a successful restaurant chain, mostly because, to quote Morgan Freeman in Batman, "some men just like to watch the world burn" and I'm very interested to see a franchise birthed out of the Houston Tunnels become a significant part of the United States culinary scene. +8 Houston, +8. Anyways it's a really awesome restaurant irl too so you should all go there.
I'll admit that I too was a little skeptical of a place that mostly sold salads that wasn't Souper Salad; Souper Salad sends me coupons and I can stuff my face with as much as I want for only $5.95; how can Salata compete with that? I'll tell you. My salad at Salata - which, I'll confirm, did fill me up - cost $8. Not $8.95, not $8.27, eight dollars and zero cents. Eight dollars exactly. The menu sign said eight dollars; the cash register said eight dollars. Talk about truth in advertising! This is the kind of integrity I wouldn't expect coming from a place that charges eight dollars for a salad. Hahaha man I'm hilarious. +27 Here's the other thing - they charge for chicken and seafood and avocado, but do you know what they don't charge for on your salad? Bacon bits! Guys that's all I like to eat on my salad anyway! Since you're eating so many vegetables it's OK to eat pure unadulterated animal fats! And they don't even charge you for it, I love Salata, they are made with my interests at heart.
Here's the other great thing about Salata. You go, you pick out your salad, you get your water cup, you go to grab a fork and you think, man those forks look so steel like and heavy. Then you go to pick them up, and they're just shiny silver plastic forks! They're only made to look like they're real metal! +80 I guess it's hypocritical of me to be charmed by this deceit after I gushed over their integrity in menu pricing, but I'm just 22 years old I'm infallible guys. The thing is is that I would always prefer to use a plastic fork; not because I hate the environment or anything like that, just because if you accidentally stab yourself in the lip with a plastic fork, it's not going to hurt, and I'm not exactly known for my gracefulness.
I did have one mild complaint and I don't want any possible franchisors to see this as a reason not to invest, but the thing is they make your salads in these giant metal bowls and then they toss them in these giant metal bowls and then they give you... giant metal bowls! Look whenever I go home my parents are obsessed with Food Network's Chopped, and let me tell you if they tried to use that plating Aaron Sanchez would certainly have a thing or two to say. -12 Nice try Salata but if I wanted to eat out of a mixing bowl I would have stayed at home.
If anyone is interested in giving me the start up money to open my own Salata franchise, please email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.
I'll admit that I too was a little skeptical of a place that mostly sold salads that wasn't Souper Salad; Souper Salad sends me coupons and I can stuff my face with as much as I want for only $5.95; how can Salata compete with that? I'll tell you. My salad at Salata - which, I'll confirm, did fill me up - cost $8. Not $8.95, not $8.27, eight dollars and zero cents. Eight dollars exactly. The menu sign said eight dollars; the cash register said eight dollars. Talk about truth in advertising! This is the kind of integrity I wouldn't expect coming from a place that charges eight dollars for a salad. Hahaha man I'm hilarious. +27 Here's the other thing - they charge for chicken and seafood and avocado, but do you know what they don't charge for on your salad? Bacon bits! Guys that's all I like to eat on my salad anyway! Since you're eating so many vegetables it's OK to eat pure unadulterated animal fats! And they don't even charge you for it, I love Salata, they are made with my interests at heart.
Here's the other great thing about Salata. You go, you pick out your salad, you get your water cup, you go to grab a fork and you think, man those forks look so steel like and heavy. Then you go to pick them up, and they're just shiny silver plastic forks! They're only made to look like they're real metal! +80 I guess it's hypocritical of me to be charmed by this deceit after I gushed over their integrity in menu pricing, but I'm just 22 years old I'm infallible guys. The thing is is that I would always prefer to use a plastic fork; not because I hate the environment or anything like that, just because if you accidentally stab yourself in the lip with a plastic fork, it's not going to hurt, and I'm not exactly known for my gracefulness.
I did have one mild complaint and I don't want any possible franchisors to see this as a reason not to invest, but the thing is they make your salads in these giant metal bowls and then they toss them in these giant metal bowls and then they give you... giant metal bowls! Look whenever I go home my parents are obsessed with Food Network's Chopped, and let me tell you if they tried to use that plating Aaron Sanchez would certainly have a thing or two to say. -12 Nice try Salata but if I wanted to eat out of a mixing bowl I would have stayed at home.
If anyone is interested in giving me the start up money to open my own Salata franchise, please email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Mo's Knockout Grill
I'll be honest, I had some skepticism before I showed up here for the simple fact that my roommate Scott recommended it to me as the best gyro in town. It's not that I don't trust Scott, we live together and I think he's a cool guy, it's just one time he fed me "the best egg roll in the world" and I still haven't stopped laughing. In general I think it's a bad idea to take restaurant recommendations from people that you love, because a favorite restaurant is as personal as someone's comfortable underwear and if you don't like them, there goes the friendship. But Scott happens to consume more hummus than the entire nation of Greece, and if I believe anyone's opinions on Mediterranean food it's him.
Let me start out by telling you that Mo's Knockout Grill is a bit of a shack, located at 7918 Kirby. When I think about fine dining in this part of town, I normally think of the Olive Garden a few blocks away (because Olive Garden is delicious and has unlimited soup and salad, not because I'm a food snob). OK but maybe I am a regular snob, because I'll be honest, I looked at this joint and I thought, man am I going to catch tetanus off a toilet seat here. And then I walked in and you know what? I think it has got to be the cleanest looking restaurant I have ever been in. +23 I would have eaten my falafal sandwich off of the ground, I won't lie to you. Well I would have before I walked in, it was kind of muddy outside and I'm not sure what kind of bacteria I brought in on my shoes, I wouldn't consider myself a germaphobe, you guys should see my bathroom, but I do have standards when it comes to eating off of the ground. I'm not sure if it really was super clean, or if it was just the attractive off white tile on the walls and floor and the mirror that I originally thought was a picture of a fresh looking girl, myself, but either way guys I still can't get over it. Do you think that's a strategy I could use, though? Covering things in tile and mirrors to give the perception of cleanliness? Like if I redecorated my bedroom, suddenly you wouldn't be able to see all the piles of clothing and the stacks of books and the ground of Doritos that have lodged themselves into the carpet? I mean it's just a thought, I'll accept alternatives.
In case you were wondering why a Mediterranean restaurant is called "Knockout Grill," it's not that all their dishes are super knockout good, it's because there's some sort of boxing theme going on inside. I'm thinking that back in the old country (I'm extemporizing here, I've never met Mo) our fearless restaurant owner was a plucky street fighter. Yearning to move to America where he could open up the cleanest restaurant Houston had ever seen, he began to earn and save money through his fights. One day a dirty manager came to him and said, "I will give you the rest of the money you need to make it to America; all you need to do is throw this one fight." But our fearless hero shook his strong, brawny head. "No," he said. "I cannot build the cleanest restaurant with dirty money." He turned the man down. The manager, enraged, secretly forced his fighter out and replaced him with the strongest man in the Mediterranean. Mo couldn't back out - his pride was on the line. Instead, he wagered all the money he'd saved on himself and went into the ring. He won that day, and that's how he earned the title "Knockout Mo", and that's how he came to open "Mo's Knockout Grill". It's a beautiful story, full of courage and bravery, and I applaud Mo for it. +17 That's what America is all about - getting repeatedly punched in the face, just to get over here.
If I have one complaint (and I usually do) it's about the parking situation. I'm not sure that Mo's actually has any of their own. As best as I could tell, your two options are to park at the Chevron station to one side (which I did) or at the motel next door. (Can I just ask you what this motel is doing here? Where is it drawing it's occupants? The Med Center, I suppose, is relatively close, as is Reliant, as is Rice University, as is University of Houston, but there are far nicer, far closer options to each of those. It can't be there for having affairs because the parking lot is right on Kirby - maybe not the ritzy part of Kirby but still a part people drive on, you'd be spotted instantly. I can only assume it's a place for people who work at the Med Center, Reliant, Rice University, or University of Houston to have affairs at a place where they won't run into their spouses having affairs; this also explains how sad it looks on the outside.) Look guys I go to college I spend approximately ten hours a week struggling to find a parking spot, despite having paid $300 for a parking spot. The last thing I want is to spend my free time wrapped up in the same endeavor, come on Mo's let's get it together.
Let me start out by telling you that Mo's Knockout Grill is a bit of a shack, located at 7918 Kirby. When I think about fine dining in this part of town, I normally think of the Olive Garden a few blocks away (because Olive Garden is delicious and has unlimited soup and salad, not because I'm a food snob). OK but maybe I am a regular snob, because I'll be honest, I looked at this joint and I thought, man am I going to catch tetanus off a toilet seat here. And then I walked in and you know what? I think it has got to be the cleanest looking restaurant I have ever been in. +23 I would have eaten my falafal sandwich off of the ground, I won't lie to you. Well I would have before I walked in, it was kind of muddy outside and I'm not sure what kind of bacteria I brought in on my shoes, I wouldn't consider myself a germaphobe, you guys should see my bathroom, but I do have standards when it comes to eating off of the ground. I'm not sure if it really was super clean, or if it was just the attractive off white tile on the walls and floor and the mirror that I originally thought was a picture of a fresh looking girl, myself, but either way guys I still can't get over it. Do you think that's a strategy I could use, though? Covering things in tile and mirrors to give the perception of cleanliness? Like if I redecorated my bedroom, suddenly you wouldn't be able to see all the piles of clothing and the stacks of books and the ground of Doritos that have lodged themselves into the carpet? I mean it's just a thought, I'll accept alternatives.
In case you were wondering why a Mediterranean restaurant is called "Knockout Grill," it's not that all their dishes are super knockout good, it's because there's some sort of boxing theme going on inside. I'm thinking that back in the old country (I'm extemporizing here, I've never met Mo) our fearless restaurant owner was a plucky street fighter. Yearning to move to America where he could open up the cleanest restaurant Houston had ever seen, he began to earn and save money through his fights. One day a dirty manager came to him and said, "I will give you the rest of the money you need to make it to America; all you need to do is throw this one fight." But our fearless hero shook his strong, brawny head. "No," he said. "I cannot build the cleanest restaurant with dirty money." He turned the man down. The manager, enraged, secretly forced his fighter out and replaced him with the strongest man in the Mediterranean. Mo couldn't back out - his pride was on the line. Instead, he wagered all the money he'd saved on himself and went into the ring. He won that day, and that's how he earned the title "Knockout Mo", and that's how he came to open "Mo's Knockout Grill". It's a beautiful story, full of courage and bravery, and I applaud Mo for it. +17 That's what America is all about - getting repeatedly punched in the face, just to get over here.
If I have one complaint (and I usually do) it's about the parking situation. I'm not sure that Mo's actually has any of their own. As best as I could tell, your two options are to park at the Chevron station to one side (which I did) or at the motel next door. (Can I just ask you what this motel is doing here? Where is it drawing it's occupants? The Med Center, I suppose, is relatively close, as is Reliant, as is Rice University, as is University of Houston, but there are far nicer, far closer options to each of those. It can't be there for having affairs because the parking lot is right on Kirby - maybe not the ritzy part of Kirby but still a part people drive on, you'd be spotted instantly. I can only assume it's a place for people who work at the Med Center, Reliant, Rice University, or University of Houston to have affairs at a place where they won't run into their spouses having affairs; this also explains how sad it looks on the outside.) Look guys I go to college I spend approximately ten hours a week struggling to find a parking spot, despite having paid $300 for a parking spot. The last thing I want is to spend my free time wrapped up in the same endeavor, come on Mo's let's get it together.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Itty Bitty Burger Barn
I'm sure I've blogged for you before about my love for food related challenges. I think this is mostly because I am so goal oriented. Look guys I think there's something wrong with me, once I get these goals there's basically no stopping me, I'm going to spend every minute locked away in my room playing tetris until I get to 100,000 points, I'm not going to eat, I'm not going to sleep, and if you think I'm going to take a shower, you've got another think coming. This goes the opposite as well. If I haven't visualized something as a goal, then chances are it's not going to happen. This goes for things such as: making my bed, cleaning my room, putting on pants, bathing, etc. It would be silly to put those things on a to-do list, I tell myself, they seem so intuitive. So I just never do them. Anyways, at the Itty Bitty Burger Barn, which I will from now on only be referring to as "the Burger Barn", because that is shorter and less annoying, they have this massive burger which is allegedly two pounds and covered in jalapenos. Two pounds of burger!+12 Plus they've been on the Food Network, which makes them legit!
I'd like to stop here and point out that like all women, I'm deeply self-conscious about my body and last month I bought a scale for the bathroom, hoping that looking at a number would shame me into leaving my apartment more and eating vegetables. The thing is I bought the cheapest scale I could find, and it's wildly inaccurate. My weight fluctuates on average ten pounds a day. I haven't eaten a vegetable since I got it, there's never any need, I'll wake up and look at the scale and gasp in self disgust and then I'll brush my teeth and look at it again and I'll have lost five pounds. Once I took a shower and lost eleven pounds, I'm not joking guys, I mean come on nobody is ever that dirty. I went for a run and gained eight. This is exactly the kind of behavior I need discouraged. Anyway my point is I was really hungry one day last month and I'd just finished my hardest exam so I told myself that as a reward I could eat the XXL nachos at Taco Bell, the ones that weigh a whole pound. A whole pound of food. So I went home and weighed myself as is my new habit and then I ate the nachos and weighed myself again and I'd lost two pounds! Guys with this kind of positive reinforcement I've been eating more than ever, just imagine how much weight you could lose by eating two pounds of burger. +231
I want to let everyone know though that I didn't actually eat the two pound burger, just because I feel like this is going to come up the next time I call home. No, Mom and Dad, it's OK, I'm making good choices in college, I ate the garlic melt.
Here's what's gross about the Burger Barn though. For one thing, I sat right next to the bathrooms and I want to warn everyone that that's not a good thing to do. For another thing, there's a fake bird that's sitting on top of the television they have on display for your viewing pleasure, and just so that we're all on the same page, it's not a real bird. -11 Not that I wanted it to be a real bird, don't get me wrong. It's just that I think birds are really creepy and really scary. There's nothing about a bird that's OK - their claws are very frightening, their beaks are very long, and whenever they walk instead of fly they look so unbelievably silly that I can't help but feel like they're doing it on purpose, to lure you into a false sense of security. Plus when I was younger my parents occasionally referred to my unkempt hair as a bird's nest, as parents are wont to do, and now whenever I run my hands through my hair and find a tangle for a moment I grow frightened that something really is living in there. Plus, this bird is a black bird. I think we all read the Raven in school or at least saw the Simpson's Treehouse of Horrors about it and are now scared for life when it comes to black birds. Here's a tip, Burger Barn: get rid of the bird.
Those are all the important things to say but they are all very important so please commit them to memory.
I'd like to stop here and point out that like all women, I'm deeply self-conscious about my body and last month I bought a scale for the bathroom, hoping that looking at a number would shame me into leaving my apartment more and eating vegetables. The thing is I bought the cheapest scale I could find, and it's wildly inaccurate. My weight fluctuates on average ten pounds a day. I haven't eaten a vegetable since I got it, there's never any need, I'll wake up and look at the scale and gasp in self disgust and then I'll brush my teeth and look at it again and I'll have lost five pounds. Once I took a shower and lost eleven pounds, I'm not joking guys, I mean come on nobody is ever that dirty. I went for a run and gained eight. This is exactly the kind of behavior I need discouraged. Anyway my point is I was really hungry one day last month and I'd just finished my hardest exam so I told myself that as a reward I could eat the XXL nachos at Taco Bell, the ones that weigh a whole pound. A whole pound of food. So I went home and weighed myself as is my new habit and then I ate the nachos and weighed myself again and I'd lost two pounds! Guys with this kind of positive reinforcement I've been eating more than ever, just imagine how much weight you could lose by eating two pounds of burger. +231
I want to let everyone know though that I didn't actually eat the two pound burger, just because I feel like this is going to come up the next time I call home. No, Mom and Dad, it's OK, I'm making good choices in college, I ate the garlic melt.
Here's what's gross about the Burger Barn though. For one thing, I sat right next to the bathrooms and I want to warn everyone that that's not a good thing to do. For another thing, there's a fake bird that's sitting on top of the television they have on display for your viewing pleasure, and just so that we're all on the same page, it's not a real bird. -11 Not that I wanted it to be a real bird, don't get me wrong. It's just that I think birds are really creepy and really scary. There's nothing about a bird that's OK - their claws are very frightening, their beaks are very long, and whenever they walk instead of fly they look so unbelievably silly that I can't help but feel like they're doing it on purpose, to lure you into a false sense of security. Plus when I was younger my parents occasionally referred to my unkempt hair as a bird's nest, as parents are wont to do, and now whenever I run my hands through my hair and find a tangle for a moment I grow frightened that something really is living in there. Plus, this bird is a black bird. I think we all read the Raven in school or at least saw the Simpson's Treehouse of Horrors about it and are now scared for life when it comes to black birds. Here's a tip, Burger Barn: get rid of the bird.
Those are all the important things to say but they are all very important so please commit them to memory.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Luigi's
I would like to start this post by apologizing for my recent, unexplained absence. I know that many of you look to my blog as the only bright point of your otherwise sad and mundane lives, and I realize that when my posts suddenly became sporadic and then nonexistent, many of you undoubtedly assumed that I had sickened and died at that my blog was only being updated by a - still tremendously hilarious, of course - ghostwriter. I want to go ahead and assure everyone that the rumors are not true, that I have not contracted tuberculosis, that I did not get finger carpal tunnel syndrome that struck me unable to type on a keyboard ever again, and I did not develop a rare disease that has rendered me unable to eat in any restaurant that does not serve food out of a tube again. No, rather, I was wintering with my parents in Waco, and now I have returned to Houston, to never leave my apartment again, to eat in every restaurant with a funny name, to bring joy and laughter back into your lives.
So I went to Luigi's for the first time a couple weeks ago because a former roommate of mine had returned to town for a visit after moving to St. Louis. Look I loved living with Jess, she was great, we used to watch So You Think You Can Dance together and one day we had a very touching moment driving through the Med Center in my car, you know the one, Jess. But if there's one quality about her I don't like it's the number of times she brought up this damn restaurant, pardon my French. The thing is I've worked in three different pizza restaurants since I was seventeen. I am currently working in a pizza restaurant. My top read blog posts are about pizza restaurants. I have pizza destiny, which means that even when I am rich it will only be because of my successful franchise of pizza restaurants that I created. If there's one thing I know, it's pizza restaurants, and if there is one thing I never want to talk about after I get home after a shift at a pizza restaurant is pizza restaurants. But Geez Jess used to eat at Luigi's like it was going out of style, I'm talking, once, twice a month! The only place she ate at more is Saltgrass but that's a different subject, I'd like to stick at the topic at hand for once please. Anyway. My point is I've spent the past five years smelling like a mixture of flour and garlic salt and before I ever even agreed to eat at Luigi's last month, it already had -92 points. I'm not scared to tell you that I ordered the pasta.
The thing is though I actually kind of liked Luigi's. Look the food was pretty good, their Alfredo sauce was a little bit watery for my taste but I'm not about to complain about somebody else's food, one time my boyfriend suggested that I might have undercooked the eggs and I started crying, I'm not bringing that bad karma to the table. Here's what was the best part of Luigi's - there was this little brown cat that kept scurrying around, and guys, he almost let me pet him! +30! There's a little brown cat who lives at my pizza restaurant too and ours is a mean old thing, he'll let all of the customers pet him (provided the feed him cheese off the top of their pizza) and he never even lets me get close! It's so humiliating I'll get down on my knees and I'll like, be crawling through people's legs underneath tables hunting down this cat, making quite noises with my mouth so he won't be scared, and he always bolts, even when it's raining. It is so rotten of him I hate him. But this cat let me get so close, and it didn't eat anybody's cheese, and I bet that if I hunted him half as well as I hunted the other cat he would have let me take him home and cuddle with him all night long, I know it.
Here's the other thing. Checked tablecloths. At an Italian restaurant! It's such a stereotype that I can't help but love it, you know? +8 Sometimes it even happens in Italy, I know, I went there once. Where do you even get checked tablecloths I'll tell you where you can't, Target. I know I was just there buying a new power supply and I cut through the tablecloth aisle on accident and there were no checked ones. Luigi's specifically went out to a checked tablecloth supply store to take care of us, of our needs, and I love that about them.
That's all the things I'm going to tell you, I'm an important woman, I have important woman things to do, like go buy orange juice, should have picked it up at Target I know, but I can't stay here typing all day. If you are the proprietor of Luigi's and would like to give me your little brown kitten, please email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!
So I went to Luigi's for the first time a couple weeks ago because a former roommate of mine had returned to town for a visit after moving to St. Louis. Look I loved living with Jess, she was great, we used to watch So You Think You Can Dance together and one day we had a very touching moment driving through the Med Center in my car, you know the one, Jess. But if there's one quality about her I don't like it's the number of times she brought up this damn restaurant, pardon my French. The thing is I've worked in three different pizza restaurants since I was seventeen. I am currently working in a pizza restaurant. My top read blog posts are about pizza restaurants. I have pizza destiny, which means that even when I am rich it will only be because of my successful franchise of pizza restaurants that I created. If there's one thing I know, it's pizza restaurants, and if there is one thing I never want to talk about after I get home after a shift at a pizza restaurant is pizza restaurants. But Geez Jess used to eat at Luigi's like it was going out of style, I'm talking, once, twice a month! The only place she ate at more is Saltgrass but that's a different subject, I'd like to stick at the topic at hand for once please. Anyway. My point is I've spent the past five years smelling like a mixture of flour and garlic salt and before I ever even agreed to eat at Luigi's last month, it already had -92 points. I'm not scared to tell you that I ordered the pasta.
The thing is though I actually kind of liked Luigi's. Look the food was pretty good, their Alfredo sauce was a little bit watery for my taste but I'm not about to complain about somebody else's food, one time my boyfriend suggested that I might have undercooked the eggs and I started crying, I'm not bringing that bad karma to the table. Here's what was the best part of Luigi's - there was this little brown cat that kept scurrying around, and guys, he almost let me pet him! +30! There's a little brown cat who lives at my pizza restaurant too and ours is a mean old thing, he'll let all of the customers pet him (provided the feed him cheese off the top of their pizza) and he never even lets me get close! It's so humiliating I'll get down on my knees and I'll like, be crawling through people's legs underneath tables hunting down this cat, making quite noises with my mouth so he won't be scared, and he always bolts, even when it's raining. It is so rotten of him I hate him. But this cat let me get so close, and it didn't eat anybody's cheese, and I bet that if I hunted him half as well as I hunted the other cat he would have let me take him home and cuddle with him all night long, I know it.
Here's the other thing. Checked tablecloths. At an Italian restaurant! It's such a stereotype that I can't help but love it, you know? +8 Sometimes it even happens in Italy, I know, I went there once. Where do you even get checked tablecloths I'll tell you where you can't, Target. I know I was just there buying a new power supply and I cut through the tablecloth aisle on accident and there were no checked ones. Luigi's specifically went out to a checked tablecloth supply store to take care of us, of our needs, and I love that about them.
That's all the things I'm going to tell you, I'm an important woman, I have important woman things to do, like go buy orange juice, should have picked it up at Target I know, but I can't stay here typing all day. If you are the proprietor of Luigi's and would like to give me your little brown kitten, please email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!
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