Burger Guys

The first thing you need to know about the Burger Guys is that it is in BF Nowhere. I've noticed that you Houstonians - excuse me, we, I'm a true Houstonian I swear - think the world ends outside the 610 loop - if you put a map of Houston in front of you, Burger Guys (12225 Westheimer) would be covered by the text of "Here there be dragons." Make sure you put in a full tank of gas before you venture out.

Inside Burger Guys however is a lesson in geography. All the burgers are named after cities: Houston; Saigon; Buffalo; Dude. It's a really non-assuming building exterior but please don't be fooled: inside it's more pretentious than a liberal arts professor after a few micro brewed lagers. Here's the thing guys: they don't have ketchup. When you order your burger and fries, they ask you to choose 2 sauces. But none of them are normal American sauces, they're all "jalapeno chive bleu cheese" and "balsamic ketchup." Seriously guys? At least 6 of them said aioli. -15! Aioli? That's mayonnaise, guys. You know who dips their french fries in mayonnaise? The FRENCH! What kind of establishment IS this? Look guys. I don't go on strikes because I don't feel like working this week. I don't have affairs with married women. I shave my armpits. And I dip my FRENCH FRIES in KETCHUP! I just don't know what kind of socialist, free love kind of philosophy these people are spewing! -8 more!

Look guys I'll be honest, the obvious red overtones are the only complaint I have with this joint. You see the thing is, aside from the obvious moral, ethical, and political differences, Burger Guys and I aren't so far apart. I mean I don't want to spoil the surprise, but they have colored straws instead of the white ones. +13 But it's better than that. They have the SAME colored straws that I do! I recognize the shades of the colors! And I know that they bought these straws at HEB, because they were shopping for bendy straws to put in their strawberry crush when they were feeling a bit depressed; bendy straws, however, come in packs of 100 for $2.50, while the plain colored ones are 500 for $1. I know because I did the same thing! Like every other true, non-French American, I'll take value over general cheeriness every day. I'm not saying this makes up for the aioli, but it goes a long way. It goes a long way.

It even gets better. So I went to Burger Guys on a date is the thing. I don't know if you guys date but it's so hard. I say, "You know, I feel like Mexican food tonight." And Thomas says, "Sure." Or I say, "Ooh, let's go to Fuddrucker's!" And he says, "Yeah, that sounds good!" Or I say, "How do you feel about hot dogs tonight?" And he says, "Whatever makes you happy!" UGH! You see what I'm saying? Relationships are such hard work - it's all about compromise, and sharing, and giving up what you really want for another person's stupid opinions. I hate it, but I soldier on. My martyrdom aside, the Date Planning Committee (myself) and I had originally decided that we'd be dining at Washington's BRC, because Thomas was interested in trying their french fries that are fried in duck fat, and I was interested in pronouncing BRC like it's a word rather than initials. Unfortunately, a cursory glance at the BRC menu shows that nothing has fried eggs on it, and everyone knows that as the weather gets hotter, my food cravings get stronger. By the time we get to June, I'll have reached my peak and will only be eating eggs, mashed potatoes, and jars of salsa. That's it. Buy stock, guys.

Obviously when I told Thomas about the Date Planning Committee's decision, we got into a huge fight. ("Sure, babe. You know I'll be happy with whatever, I just want to spend time with you." "It's not my fault! It was the DPC! I had nothing to do with it, I fought their decision! I fought for you!") But after the police had gone, having calmed our domestic dispute, out of the ashes rose the solution. You guessed it: Burger Guys serves french fries fried in duck fat, AND you can add a fried egg to ANY of their burgers (any!) for only one dollar. +10000! And you know what else? You can add a duck egg for only 2 dollars! I've never had a duck egg before so I'm just throwing that out as a general fact! Burger Guys: saving relationships since at least last Saturday.

That's all I got guys. (Get it? Like Burger Guys? And then I said that's all I got guys? It's repetition for effect you wouldn't know anything about that.) Like I said I've never had a duck egg before, but if you have, I'd appreciate it if you'd email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com so I can start building my duck farm (or not!)

Twin Peaks

Most of you guys have probably never heard of this place, which just opened off of 59 at Shepherd. I mean they have kind of an interesting concept, with the half dressed women serving you food in skimpy outfits, and the televisions at every table, and the deliciousness of their chicken fried steak, but I mean, probably most of you gents that I know aren't into that. But as the face of Arbitrary Criticism it was my civic duty to go try it out, and so I went to this not very well known, barely attended sports bar just for you guys. (That was way sarcasm guys! Melissa and I tried to go three weeks ago and we couldn’t get in because there was a three hour wait for a table! Everybody wants to go to Twin Peaks!)

First off, you may or may not know that I love merchandizing in restaurants more than anything. I'm not sure if you guys do, but I have a Freebird's Fanatic card, and I keep refusing to register my card on the Internet because I have enough swipes for a free burrito, but not a free T-shirt. I'm scared that one day I'm going to go to Freebird's a little low on cash and I'm going to trade all those hard earned swipes in for the cheap thrill of a burrito instead of a shirt. I mean seriously guys, which is more important? An actual food item that will provide me with nourishment, or a T-shirt that will get stuffed precariously into my already crowded rotation? You're right! The T-shirt! I just think that you know you're a good restaurant when not only will people FILL their bellies with your grub, they'll cover their bellies with you as well. Twin Peaks takes this a step further, though. They sell T-shirts, sure, and hats, sure, but they also sell Twin Peaks underwear! Actual underwear with the Twin Peaks logo on them, available in store and probably online! +98 I’m just saying this goes beyond merchandizing and into arrogance, and like any girl I love arrogance when it’s backed up by quality. Do I have Twin Peaks underwear now? I’ll never tell. (No I don’t that’s probably tacky).

K so here’s the thing, they treat their wait-staff so nicely here. It’s just the uniform they provide their girls with... I think before the truck got in, the uniform boxes were attacked by a bear or something, and all of their uniforms are now only half a shirt. Cuz the bear was pretty hungry, but not hungry enough to eat the entire uniform. And I guess that some of these girls, maybe it’s their first job, maybe they have student loans, because it seems like none of them can afford pants; they’re all wearing shorts! Some of them were real short, like they had to borrow their little sister’s shorts or something. But Twin Peaks takes such good care of them! They recognize the deficiencies in the uniform, they recognize the extreme pants deficit in their employees, and like me or you, they worried: are our girls going to get cold, with 9/10ths of their bodies uncovered? But the problem was solved! Every girl was issued a pair of brown boots to go with their uniforms. So maybe their midriffs are exposed, maybe their cleavages are hanging out in the wind, maybe the expanses of their thighs and the majority of their butts are freezing in the cool Houston weather, but at least their shins are warm, guys! It’s truly heartening, guys, but I’m still thinking about starting a charity to help cover the girls of Twin Peaks, to raise some money to cover their thighs and stomachs. If anybody wants to donate, just let me know, I’ll make sure the money gets to the girls. +27


So there’s this giant bearskin rug on one of the walls at Twin Peaks. And you know it really makes me wonder. Is that the bear that ate the girls’ shirts? Because I just have some questions. One, why didn’t they pump the bears stomachs for the other half of the shirts before they skinned it? I mean as long as they’d kept the severed halves on ice they could reattach them, provided they had a god enough shirt surgeon. And then of course comes the question, who killed the bear? Was it a forest ranger who merely knew about the bear’s relation to Twin Peaks, and that’s why the skin was turned over to them? Or was it the bar tender who shot the bear, in order to protect his women coworkers? Or were his women coworkers so enraged by the loss of the other halves of their shirts that they killed the bear themselves? There was no apparent bullet hole. I bet those ladies killed it with their bear hands (hee hee hee). The thing is there aren’t any bears in Texas; they’d have had to travel up north to the Rockies, and that’s where I start to get worried about them. It’s OK if they can’t afford pants here in Texas, but up north? They would have frozen half to death! What if there used to be twice as many waitresses and now these are the only ones left from the cold and frozen arctic temperatures? Hopefully more people will be sending in donations now, those boots can only go so far.

Anyway. Twin Peaks has the best chicken fried steak... I don’t want to say in the world, but I’ll definitely say in that intersection. Don’t try their burgers, don’t try their sandwiches, but please, everybody make it out to Twin Peaks and try their chicken fried steak. And while you’re there, I recommend that you do all you can to console their girls. They lost all their friends and half their clothing in one fell swoop. They deserve your sympathy.

W Grill

OK guys don’t act like you haven't heard about W Grill offering drive thru margaritas. This is basically the best thing to hit Houston since I came here in 2009, and guys I’m pretty sure they only cost maybe $6.99 for 20 ounces of margarita and while it’s certainly no two dollars a pop at Taquerias Arandas, neither is that the most expensive alcohol in Houston.

Here’s the thing though. I’m not the only person who’s a little uncertain about the legality of this, right? They put a little bit of tape over the straw hole in the Styrofoam cup, and they didn’t give us any straws, so unless you come prepared (or just take the lid off) you’re not going to break any open container laws. +8 for little pieces of tape. But is it just me or is there more to Texas alcohol laws than that? I seem to remember from my Hospitality Law class that I’m taking this semester and even occasionally attend that you can either serve alcohol or you can distribute it, but you’re not really supposed to do both. Right? Tell me I’m not missing something here? If you order a bottle of wine in a restaurant, you can drink it there, but you’re not allowed to take it with you when you leave. Isn’t that right? Obviously I’ve never bought a bottle of wine in a restaurant, that sounds like it’s going to cost more than my four dollar wine budget. For the record, if any TABC agents are reading this, there is no dine-in area at the W Grill, and if that’s how they get off on that technicality then more power to them right guys? Cuz ladies, it’s not just margaritas, they’ve got pina coladas and daiquiris too. (Did you like that sexism? I obviously don’t think men drink fruity slushy drinks like that and I’m going to go ahead and stand by that assertion till the day I die. +3)

Here’s the other thing guys. When I went to the W Grill there was a little snafu with the ordering process and either I didn’t actually order my burger or they just didn’t ring it up for me. Either way I had to sit through that drive thru line twice because there’s no way I’m going to come away from any sort of food establishment without squelching the sclurpy hungry food noises of my belly (they sound like this: rrrrrrrrRRRrr put food in me rRRrrrrRRr preferably a Fuddrucker's burger rrRrrrrrR but really I'll eat anything like a panda or a tire even RRRRrrRRR) The thing is you have to wait for your food to be ready, this isn't McDonald's guys, they don't just keep the burgers in some creepy burger drawer. So I'm sitting there in the first drive through line and there's this dry cleaner behind them called Monarch Cleaners that you have to look at. Monarch Cleaners' logo is a crown with a mustache on it. -89! Isn't that stupid? A crown because it's Monarch, I get that, and then a stache because what? We're on Washington and the hipsters are all already tired of Montrose? I'm just saying everybody has their own particular part of the city and they should stay there, it's just the rules, I don't make them up, talk to Anise Parker about that stuff guys. 

But I think what was most startling about the W Grill is the guy who was working at the window. I know I've seen that guy before. I'm not sure where. He didn't seem like he recognized me, but guys I have a theory. Maybe I have a past life that I can't remember, like I used to be a CIA operative and then they wiped my memory clean of all of my CIA life and then planted fake memories about being a college student. And he was my old partner! I don't think there was any sexual tension between us, I think he was my mentor on the force even though we're about the same age. And even though they wiped my memory completely blank, I could still remember his face because we'd been through so much together! +12 He was really upset that I'd come to W Grill; he's working there on a sting operation, trying to bust people for taking alcohol off the premises for consumption. Normally he'd have to arrest me but because we'd been through so much together, he let me off without even a warning. He hated to see me like this, in a new world with no memory of him, my oldest friend, at all. He couldn't admit that he knew me  because I'm in witness protection, they blanked my memories for my own safety, if I knew what I was capable of I'd be in so much danger, me and Melissa both. Melissa said she didn't recognize him but I know it's just because she's a holdover from my old life too, the bodyguard they've assigned for my protection. I mean I think I warrant someone a little bigger, a little stronger looking, but maybe the knowledge I'm holding isn't as dangerous as all that. Either way he's a real nice guy who works there he saved my life back in 'Nam, you guys should all go check it out. +9

And that's about all I got guys. Like I said they have drive through alcohol there, like this is Louisiana or something, normally I wouldn't celebrate that state but now that we've harvested all they have to offer we don't have to talk about it anymore. Check it out, and a message to my old partner: if you're reading this, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com. I've rested long enough, I'm ready to pick up the fight once more.

Los Dos Amigos

Some of you may be familiar with Los Dos Amigos (5720 Washington) from the Houston Press Top 100 dishes in Houston. I mean I'm sure there's lots of other ways you could be familiar with it, like from your drunken binges on Washington Avenue, you worthless lushes. I'M familiar with it from Houston Press though and so are all the cool kids. Anyway, according to them, THE BEST dish in Houston in 2011 is Los Dos Amigos's cheese enchiladas with fried eggs on top, and guys, I haven't had every dish in Houston or even every dish on their list, but what is better than a fried egg on anything?

Here's the thing guys. I used to hate fried eggs. Just ask my dad, that poor, patient man. We eat breakfast for dinner a lot in my family and he'd always fry eggs for everyone and every time I'd throw a fit. I hate eggs! I'd cry. But I don't mean "I'd cry" like "I'd exclaim" I mean it like I'd actually burst into tears at the kitchen table. Sometimes I'd throw them up afterwards because they made me feel sick. Sometimes I'd make him scramble my eggs separately from the rest of the family's eggs because mine were better and he should love me better than the rest of the family anyway. (Cuz I'm his only daughter and that's just how it works guys.) But then of course after I moved out and my poor father didn't have to deal with my fits, fried eggs and I fell in love. I think it was actually at House of Pies that I realized for the first time the power of the egg yolk mixed with hashbrowns. I saw for the first time the true power that was held within that white shell, the magic that could be created with that rich, yellow chicken fetus. Now I eat fried eggs all the time. Usually mixed with hashbrowns, it's true, the potato has been one of my longest loves, but I'll dip anything into egg yolk. Bread. Bacon. Popsicles. There's nothing that doesn't taste good covered in egg yolk. So of course when Houston Press advertised that Los Dos Amigos had enchiladas covered in chicken's greatest gift to man, I had to get in on it. Like I said, it's ranked as their number one best dish in Houston, and I'm going to go ahead and confirm. +9 million.

Man's Greatest Treasure, Los Dos Amigos, is located in this pink stucco building on Washington Avenue. Incidentally, did you know that parts of Washington are one way? This seems slightly dangerous to me, of course considering the number of bars on Washington Avenue, but mostly because of girls like Melissa and I, weaving through traffic, dangerously faint from the lack of fried eggs in our bellies. -8 But like I said it's in this pink stucco building and we got there at 9:15, only forty five minutes before closing time (sorry I hate people like me too) and the only two cars in the parking lot were those of the lovely proprietress and the cook. This is exactly what I want in my Mexican food. An unassuming business that is completely deserted of all other customers. +19 I like the unassuming businesses because they don't fool anybody! I'm not saying that Pappasito's is bad food, not by any means, they're delicious, and I'm not saying that you're going to find good Mexican food at every taqueria on the side of the road. I am saying, however, that El Real is disgusting and we should leave the Mexican food to the Mexicans. And I like them when they're empty, I'm embarrassed to admit, because I read a lot of Hemingway during my impressionable years and that means I like being alone places where there should be lots of people. You guys dug it out of me. I'm a closet hipster. You know the worst part? I voted for Bill White for governor. A Democrat. I'm nothing that I've pretended to be. -34

Back to Los Dos Amigos, who's never disappointed anyone: there's a sign on the door that says they sell Girl Scout cookies here. Here's the best part: they only take cash for them! They sell boxes of Girl Scout cookies under the table at Los Dos Amigos! What is better than that??? +12 I need everybody in Houston to remember this, I don't know how long the deal is going to last, but the supply of Girl Scout cookies is drying up in this city. Every day I see a new empty box of Thin Mints in the apartment trash can as my roommates and I slowly eat through the stores we've hoarded for ourselves. Soon we're all going to get that drawn look on our faces, that starved, hopeless look that means we know we've seen heaven and we know that we've lost it for the next eleven months. I want everyone to know that there is hope. There is still Los Dos Amigos, and they can provide for us.

That's about all the information you guys need for today. Everyone have a nice day, stay pretty, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.

Ragin' Cajun

We better just start with this sordid story at the beginning. During oyster season last year, I expressed desire to my then boss to find a place in Houston to partake of this magnificent sea creature. He suggested Ragin' Cajun, but at that point I didn't trust his judgement and to this day I'm not convinced he's ever been there sober, suggesting that his particular advice in the culinary world is not to be believed. My father shucked us some oysters over Thanksgiving break of that year, and that was that for my oyster desires of 2010. 2011 was sadly empty of oysters; my friends described them as "snotty" and "gross". I'D like to point out that in the oyster world, a PEARL is actually the mucus-y excretion generated in response to sand entering the beast; anybody who uses to word gross to describe anything deserves an immediate demotion to third grade ANYWAY! But I can't go that long without oysters, guys. I'm sure you know that oyster season ends at the end of April; oysters can only be eaten in months that contain an R. A spelling lesson for you: this means you cannot eat oysters in May, June, July, August, or Tuesday. I had to act fast! A beacon from the darkness came: a second recommendation, a year later, for Ragin' Cajun. I was sold. I'll do anything for gross, snotty slimeballs.

Then I stepped into Ragin' Cajun for the first time. Have any of you guys ever been there before? Oh. My. God. It is THE tackiest place in the universe. The inside looks like an LSU frat house, every surface covered in bumper stickers and sports paraphernalia. There's a framed picture of the LSU tiger next to the soda fountain. OK I actually kind of liked that I love tigers. +3 But seriously guys! This place is gross and snotty! One of the doorways is just lined with wine corks, like they're insulation. The door was removed, and to replace it, they lined the entire doorway with wine corks. I'd say it's the sort of thing I'd do, but obviously I only drink wine that comes with a screw top since it's cheaper. I'm just kidding guys even I don't sink that low. On one wall was a poster explaining how to eat crawfish, but instead of them they wrote dem, and instead of heads, they spelled it haids. Forget an LSU frat house, it just seemed like the entire state of Louisiana in there, and everybody knows my stance on Louisiana. -9000.

It wasn't just the tackiness, either! That place is so freaking loud! I went on a Saturday, and so did everybody else in a sixteen block radius, it seemed! Everyone and their mom goes to Ragin' Cajun, they have these stupid community tables so if they run out of space you have to sit with PERFECT STRANGERS, and on top of everything else, they were playing really loud music! Guys, I hate loud things! I even get irritated when my fan is turned up to the loudest setting, because it gets distracting and I can't hear myself talk out loud to myself! -45 So that was my initial impression of Ragin' Cajun, guys. Loud and tacky. Once again, just like the entire state of Louisiana.

But guys seriously you have to go there. I've never enjoyed cajun food before, if it weren't for the oysters I never would have stayed within the confines of that building for more than three minutes. I wanted to leave anyway. To me, cajun food tastes like somebody got a handful of something out of a trashcan and then covered it in way too much pepper. But Ragin' Cajun? Guys, they might have made a believer out of me. They had really nice, large sized, cold oysters, and I ate my first boudin. I couldn't even pronounce that word before I went to Ragin' Cajun, and now I can say that I've eaten an entire one! Have you guys had that before? It tastes like a Vienna sausage that's been stuffed with rice! Who could ask for anything tastier? +34 I love Vienna sausage! I can usually take or leave rice! They serve it with pickles and onions and mustard! It's a true love story! I ate a po' boy that changed my life, I ate some fried crawfish, I would have eaten my napkin if I'd been alone. My advice to everyone is to go there and just wait until your food is served until you pass judgment (and that's the other thing! They were packed to the gills, but our food came SO FAST. I'm just saying House of Pies should certainly take a page out of there book.) I know I always promise you guys not to talk about the food, but this is the one place where nothing else BUT the food matters.

Anyways that's about it. Have a wonderful day and email me nice things at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

La Fendee

Some of you guys may have heard of La Fendee, located at 1402 Westheimer, which is often referred to as "like Niko Niko's but a lot better". OK OK guys get off Niko Niko's back so La Fendee does offer Greek food that's a lot better, that doesn't make THEM better right? I mean seriously who even eats food anymore that is soooo last season.

Here are the facts. Inside the restaurant, they have three fishes which swim around in a fishbowl in a really nice, relaxing way. Outside the restaurant, they have a gang of wild cats that wander through the tables, hitting people up for their wallets. I'm just kidding guys cats are really skittish they wouldn't be able to get close enough to a La Fendee customer to pull off any sort of aggravated assault. But my point is, talk about a civil rights violation!! They are intentionally keeping those cats and those fish in "separate but equal" facilities because they're "afraid of species related violence." Excuse me, but did we not have the entire decade of the sixties to get rid of this kind of prejudice and hatred?? Did we not have cats freedom riding to be allowed into the same rooms as fishes? Did we not have fishes signing petitions saying that they supported equal rights of cats and fishes, that they thought it was wrong that the powers that be were enacting these protectionist measures against a species that truly was the victim?? I am ashamed, La Fendee, truly ashamed of how far backwards you've taken the cat-fishes movement. -34

This is not the only backwards thinking of the restaurant!! Do you know what they have pictured on their menu? A hookah! They promote the smoking of tobacco related products! This is America, guys, where you have the freedom to do whatever you want, except smoke tobacco related products ever anywhere! I hear that they're trying to pass legislation so that you can't even smoke a cigarette while you're thinking about a public place. Good! That's the kind of progress I like to hear about! I don't care about how much smoking is bad for you, I just hate hearing that all of those waiters and waitresses who have to deal with customer bullying all day long have one less nice thing to look forward to at the end of a long shift. It just wrong that La Fendee is mocking the legislation that our great city was founded on in this way. -42 And before you say it, yes, I know Greek people come from a different time. It's probably still the 40's in Greece right now. That doesn't make it OK, guys, and I think everyone with a racist great uncle knows that.

Here's the last terrible thing. Have you guys heard of these corkage fees before??? You bring your own bottle of wine, but then you still have to pay for it?? Look, I understand that these permits cost money, I certainly get that. What I don't get is that the corkage fee at La Fendee is $5.95. I've never looked anywhere else, I have no idea what is industry standard, but do you guys understand that two bottles of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill only cost $6.00 total between the two of them? And that that same $6.00 could buy THREE bottles of Bluebonnet Hill, a knock off brand of the cheapest brand of wine available in most stores? I've never brought my own wine to any sort of BYOW establishment, because I'll admit to you guys, I'm a little ashamed of the unnatural colors of most of the "wines" I drink. I'm just saying, if I calculate in the $5.95 corkage fee, I might as well shell out that money for wine to drink at home which will give me an actual buzz instead of just changing the color of my tongue. -12

This is the best part of La Fendee though. So Melissa and I were sitting at the lover's table by the door, and I suddenly looked up to see this guy staring avidly at the side of Melissa's face. Look guys she's my best friend if anybody looks at her too hard it's my job to put the smack down on them, right?? So I give this guy my best Catherine Martin face and he does a double take, shakes his head rapidly, and points at the Crimestoppers flyer hanging on the window right next to Melissa's face. He blushes a deep plum color. In a moment, our laughter and furious hand waving not demonstrating that we understand, he's just interested in the knowledge that if he has any information which would be valuable to Crimestoppers, he can call now and possible earn up to $10,000, he pokes his head in and apologizes more profusely. "I was just reading the sign," he practically cries. It was pretty hilarious, but mostly I'm just disappointed that that time at House of Pies is the only time Melissa's really hit the streets earning money for this family and I haven't been able to earn more of a profit off of her looks. +8

And that's about the whole review! If you do go, make sure you eat the grape leaves, they're way better than the grape leaves at Niko Niko's and they have this really tasty sauce on their shwarmas. More importantly, everyone read this article in Houston Press about how cool I am, and then email me your congratulations at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Dry Creek Cafe

Here are the restaurants owned by the same people as Dry Creek Cafe: Canyon Creek, Onion Creek, Cedar Creek, and Oh S*** We're Up a Creek. I'm just kidding about that last one. Dry Creek Cafe is located at 544 Yale Street, and there's a really polite sign in their parking lot telling you that you're allowed to park on Yale Street any time Monday - Saturday except 4-6 pm, and all day Sunday. Isn't that exciting? You can just park on Yale Street whenever you want! Except Monday through Saturday 4-6! Or you can park in their parking lot if you're a complete square.

So I really had to powder my nose when I got to Dry Creek Cafe if you know what I mean, so I said hey to the waitress and then slipped into the bathroom, flipping the light switch as I locked the door behind me. And you know what? The light was already on!!! It was awful! It was like I went into my apartment, decided it was too bright, and so I crawled into the cupboard to dim things out! Except it was bigger, I don't know why I went with a cupboard as the comparison! -3 My point is the bathroom is really dark. If there's one thing you guys should know is that I'm very particular about the things that go on in my bathroom. Look, I'm not going to admit that women ever excrete anything. I've never sweat. I don't even have saliva. I was only in that bathroom to make sure my hair looked nice before my date got there (which I couldn't do in the half light -14). But if I were to ever use the equipment in the bathroom, guys, you have to know, I'm unbearably particular. Just ask my parents. Just ask my roommates. I refuse to allow anything other than Charmin Ultra Soft to touch my lady bits. Not that it ever needs to, just in theory I'd only let Charmin Ultra Soft touch them. Over the summer I was assigned a stranger as a roommate, and she brought a case of Scott into my bathroom. I immediately bought enough toilet paper to get us through the summer, and that Scott is still in my bathroom, untouched. I will never use it, even if I run out of regular toilet paper. Not that I'm admitting I have things to keep bottled up, but I will go weeks without urinating if it means I don't have to use non-Charmin toilet paper. Other things about my bathroom that bother me are the proximity to other people. I'll admit that sometimes I'll talk to Melissa through an open door if I'm going to be quick, I'm sorry to share our secrets in public Melissa, but she and I have been through a lot. I'm definitely willing to say that among the ten grossest things that Melissa and I have done together, peeing with the door open does not even come close. Once, I froze off her wart. +6 for friendship. But that's about it, really. You know women who talk to each other between stalls? Oh my gosh, that weirds me out. And people talking on their cell phones in the bathroom! That is disgusting to me!!! And not that I pee, and especially not that I ever do anything in the bathroom OTHER than pee, but I've been known to go all the way to the library to avoid people knowing my bowel movements. Fourth floor blue wing, we've had our times. What I'm trying to say here is that I'm excessively neurotic when it comes to bathrooms. So for them to keep their lights so low is really just offensive to me. I feel like I've shared way too much with you guys tonight, so I'll just give everyone here a -8 for the low lights and we'll move on to things I'm more comfortable discussing in public.

OK. OK. What's a safe topic. Our waitress! Oh my gosh guys, she was so nice. Most of the time, I just want somebody to laugh at my jokes and pretend like I'm funny. I know what you're thinking, Catherine, you're so hilarious, how can you be so insecure? I know. I know. I'm ridiculously funny, it's true. But the fact is this waitress was very smiley, she laughed at all my jokes, she was wearing this nice shade of lipstick and I had a bit of a crush on her. She filled up my water twice. When I chose "the Nitty Gritty" off the menu, she said, "oh, cool!" Then she explained that it was one of her favorite things on the menu, and she wished more people ordered it. When she asked me how I liked my eggs, I knew that she was asking because she wanted to know everything about me, not because she wanted to make sure my order was right. When Thomas ordered, she didn't say anything! She only thought I was cool, and she only wanted to know about my eggs. +67 I loved her!

Another good thing about Dry Creek Cafe is that they have real live honest to gosh flowers on the table! +23 A whole bouquet. And all the tables had them, it's not just that the waitress and I had a thing. It was a Dry Creek Cafe thing, not an our connection thing. I wonder how many times a week they have to change them out! I wonder if they have a person who's entire job is to wander up and down the highway picking flowers! Oooh I hope they have openings, that sounds like just the kind of job I'd be perfect at!

And that's about it! Be sure to check out my most recent accolades here, and feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com to tell me how great and funny I am!

Fuddrucker's

I know guys. You keep reading my blog and thinking, okay, you've been reviewing average restaurants with decent food... when are you going to review a restaurant I care about? When are you going to review my favorite restaurant? And now I have! Welcome, one and all, to my review of Fuddrucker's!

Seriously, there isn't a single thing you can say bad about Fuddrucker's. The burgers are juicy, their buns are soft and well buttered, the guacamole on their Southwestern burger is green and fresh. Guys it's just a great restaurant. The best part though I think we can all agree is the drink fountain. Oh my GOSH it's so high tech! Have you guys used it before? Instead of just having eight or ten choices like you do at average, boring burger joints, at Fuddrucker's you have dozens! You click the Fanta button, sure, you have regular Fanta's like strawberry and orange and grape, but you also have fun, wild flavors like lime, peach, and pineapple! They have Dr. Pepper, Diet Dr. Pepper, Dr. Pepper with Vanilla, and Dr. Pepper with Cherry. And you don't even want me to get started on how many flavors are under the Coke tab, it's just ridiculous. +91 It's not all sunshine, though. Remember when you were a kid and you'd drink suicides? You know, you'd put all the different sodas into one cup and then you'd drink them all at once? That's what's wrong with Fuddrucker's today. It's fine and all if you go at a reasonable time, when all the little brats are tucked away in their beds, like eight thirty or so. But at peak little kid times? You'll be standing in line to get a drink for thirty minutes will those animals have to work through each of Fuddrucker's 6000 flavors. They can't even fit them all in one cup! You can't taste it when it's just a teaspoon of each flavor, you little squirts!! Just pick ten like we all had to when we were younger and leave us alone! I'm just saying, back in my day, I didn't have anything as cool as Fuddrucker's and they're abusing the privilege that comes with supreme awesomeness. -14

But you know what else is cool about Fuddrucker's is that they have a toppings bar. I mean I'm an American, I love my choices. And Fuddrucker's has so many. But it's not just between, like, how much tomato do you want, how much onion, how many pickles.... ANYBODY could offer me choices like that. I mean even at McDonald's you can ask for extra pickles. Probably. I mean I've never tried. But at Fuddrucker's it's not even just which kinds of toppings you want or how many. I mean you can choose if you want your onions sliced or diced. You can choose if you want your tomatoes sliced or diced. You can decide if you want ketchup or spicy ketchup or barbeque sauce or if you want regular cheese or nacho cheese. I mean seriously guys it's amazing. +45

But it's not just about the choices, either. Inside Fuddrucker's... I mean geez. It's got to be the tackiest place in the world! There's never been a restaurant in the universe with more Americana than Fuddrucker's. They have a bike, just hanging from the ceiling, because everybody knows that people in America ride bikes! (Heh heh heh). They have license plates, just hanging on the walls! Old signage, paintings of the American landscapes, and in some of them they have former American Presidents, just sitting patiently just like you or me with their shake number, waiting for their chocolate shake. I saw Ben Franklin there once, my favorite US President. (Heh heh heh). +4

I'm just saying guys, what's more American than Fuddrucker's? You've got your burgers. You've got your low food prices leading to obesity in America. You've got your excessive to the point of vice number of choices. You've got your old tin license plates on the wall. It just doesn't get any better than that, folks, I wish I'd saved it for ya'll for the weekend of the 4th of July. Oh dear, did my good old boy accent come out? It's just because I've been eating too much Fuddrucker's.

Andy's Cafe

Alright everybody let's everyone as an exercise close their eyes and picture what kind of food a place called Andy's Cafe (1115 E. 11th Street) serves. Everybody who guessed Mexican food, raise your hand. Alright guys, open your eyes and look around; you see those people who have their hands raised? They're dirty liars! Nobody expects a place called Andy's Cafe to serve Mexican food! Breakfast, maybe. Waffles. That's what I think a place called Andy's Cafe should serve. They certainly shouldn't bring you out a basket of chips and two different kinds of salsa as an appetizer; calling a Mexican restaurant "Andy's Cafe" just makes me want to pronounce the "x" as an "x" when I order my breakfast burritos "a la Mexicana". -14

Here's what else is terrible about Andy's: the first time I ever went there was last July, and I know what you're thinking, why would anybody ever go there more than once? And I'll tell you: Andy's has Mexican food, 24 hours. There's not a lot I won't do for 24 hour Mexican food, and that includes eating ethnic cuisine at a place called Andy's. I crave Mexican food all the time, and I don't just mean seven days a week, I mean 24 hours a day as well. If I could just have somebody insert an IV directly into my veins and pump salsa into me all the time, well, I wouldn't do that, I couldn't taste it if it were just pumped into my veins, but I think you get my point. The only thing I love more than Mexican food is Mexican food all hours of the night. In the dormitories we got whole free boxes of Doritos Tacos After Midnight, and guys, I ate way more of those than was completely necessary. Bags and bags of Tacos After Midnight. What I'm trying to get at, here, is that the only thing I love more than Mexican food is stuffing my face after midnight, and Andy's provides opportunities for both. +3

Back to what I was talking about. Things that suck. The last time I went to Andy's was last July, I'd just gotten off of work, I was driving home to my parents' house the next morning to visit my father for his birthday, and I wanted to have dinner with a friend before I wasn't going to see him for a couple days. We've just discussed how I love eating Mexican food late at night, so he suggested Andy's, I found some directions on Google maps, I wrote them on a Post-it note, I put the Post-it note in my car, and then I tried to find the place, thinking I'd get there, eat some food, get home at a decent hour and be bright and fresh for my parents the next morning. I got lost for 45 minutes! 45 minutes I could have spent sleeping! And do you know why? Because the Houston Heights is completely bipolar. It's really hard for me to keep my emotions out of this paragraph, guys, my blood is boiling just thinking about the madness. You'll drive along a street for a block or so, not paying attention to street signs, and then suddenly you're on a whole new street! Did you fall asleep at the wheel and accidentally turn? NO! They just change the name of their streets every twenty minutes! Sure, Andy's is on 11th street, but guess what! A block before it's not 11th street, it's PECORE! Here you are, an innocent girl, driving along late at night, thinking you're on Pecore, thinking you're going to turn onto 11th street, because that's what Google maps told you to do! Good old Google maps never led you astray! But NO! I drove ON 11th street for a full 20 minutes, wondering when I was going to see it to turn onto. 20 minutes, looking for a street I was already on! This is what drives me crazy! Westheimer is the longest street in the entire city, it feels like. I mean, Westheimer goes all the way to KATY, right? But for 20 blocks of it, Westheimer isn't good enough for it. It has to be ELGIN street! And what's up with Montrose? First it's Montrose, then it's Studemont, then it's StudeWOOD? Let's not get hung up on whether or not my order is correct here guys, let's focus on the facts: it maybe, MAYBE makes sense to change the name from Montrose to Studemont, you know, in the screwed up, sick Houston way of doing things. To change the name from one part of town to another. But from Studemont to Studewood? It's just four freaking letters! Make up your mind, Houston! Pick one! I'm just saying, I'm always Catherine. I don't change my name to Kendra when I wander on the other side of 59 and then change my name again to Rachel once I pass out of the loop. I'm always Catherine! You can look me up on Google maps! It's not going to tell you to turn off of Alexis onto Catherine, it's just going to give you good, straightforward directions to find me. I'll be right here. That's the kind of stability I expect from a city! Thanks a lot, Andy's Cafe. -907

I'm so upset I don't know if I can finish this review.

Despite being called Andy's Cafe, Andy's Cafe has most of the hallmarks of a traditional Mexican restaurant. You know what I'm talking about. Murals on the wall +8 that were probably painted by the proprietors wife. Laminated menus +4 that undoubtedly have seen their share of spilled Corona. BYOB. Christmas lights on the inside even though it's already April +6. The food's decent enough, I wish they would salt their potatoes in their breakfast tacos more but I'm not an expert, guys, I'm just a restaurant reviewer. It's really inexpensive and as a college student I'll love it just for that.

Anyway that's about it I gave it everything I got with that Houston rant. (And what's up with Richmond? First it's Richmond, then it's Wheeler, then it DEAD ENDS at TCU, but when it picks back up on the other side it's still Wheeler? How come it changed from Richmond to Wheeler for no logical reason in the middle of the city, but when the street ACTUALLY ENDS it can't come up with another name? Huh? Huh? I'm asking you, Houston city planners!) If you have any questions or answers, please, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.