La Mexicana

I arrived at La Mexicana today after a devastating morning. Having completely bought into the ramen craze that is sweeping the nation's tastebuds (or at least my tastebuds) I set out this morning to Nippon on Montrose. Guess what guys, it's closed on Monday, meaning I had to make alternative plans for lunch. After a succession of similar blows, I found myself in the Montrose area, mourning the fact that I had paid full price for a shirt at Target that showed boob sweat in a really visible way, almost unable to go on. My boyfriend had pulled his car into the parking lot of La Mexicana and was waiting expectantly for me to follow him in. Would I be able to? Would I have a nervous breakdown? Would I ever eat again? I'll spoil the ending for you guys: there was a 4runner in the parking lot at La Mexicana with an open spot  next to it -and they were open on a Monday and for lunch- yes. I was able to have breakfast. This just goes to show, 4runner owners of America - leaving a parking spot open for you on one side for other 4runner owners really does change lives.

Let's talk about the salsa here at La Mexicana. You know how lots of Mexican restaurants have two bowls of salsa, one green and one red? And the green salsa, no matter how good it tastes, always has the consistency of boogers? Just real thick and mucus-y? Look I know it's real gross, but I kind of like it. It's like the texture of okra, which is something I've been eating a lot of lately. (The only thing about okra is that the seeds come back out whole, which is a bit alarming if you know what I mean :/) Anyway so yeah at La Mexicana, the red salsa tastes like it has a ground up jellyfish in it, too! I just think it's wonderful, because I normally don't like the flavoring of tomatillo sauce but I do like the flavor; it's perfect, they've just combined the things that I love and made them into THE PERFECT SALSA. +14 Thank you La Mexicana, it was worth not eating ramen.

Except here's the thing: if I'd had a bowl of ramen instead of a bowl of chicken tortilla soup, when it came to my table it would all be in one bowl instead of the THREE SEPARATE BOWLS I was given to hold the chicken soup, the tortilla, and the cheese and avocado. Seriously guys???? If I'd wanted to make my own dinner I would have stayed at home! -9 The problem with this is when you give me a side dish of cheese, it's not going to go into my soup guys, it's just not! I'm going to take a pinch of it, "just for a taste", and then it's going to taste good so I'll have another, and then another and another and before I know it there's a cube of cheese in my soup and the rest has been pre-eaten. Same guys for the avocado, and don't even get me started on tortilla strips, guys. I just don't get what the big deal is I mean it's soup. If I didn't want to eat all that stuff I could just eat around it you know, there's no reason to have a create your own adventure here.

Look but more than anything, here's why I love this place: they sell Obleas! You know, that treat from Mexico where it's a pair of wafers and in between is caramel made from goat milk?? Or something??? Either way I think these things are the best thing in the world. The first time I ever had one I was like six or seven and my aunt went to Mexico City and sent us a package and I'm sure there were lots of very cool things in there, but all I remember are the Obleas (and this neat-o Mayan sculpture she sent to my brother that I always thought was really awesome because it had real gold flakes in it, but now as I'm typing this I'm finally realizing that she probably did not send a nine year old boy a whole sculpture filled with gold flakes, and also that statue was not even heavy enough to be filled with gold, and also my whole childhood is now ruined.) Anyways so I've been addicted to them ever since, spending lots of time in Mexico (A note to Homeland Security: This is a bit of exaggeration that comes down to about three weeks in the past six years), crying whenever my stash runs out. These things are awesome life changers, and now I know where to find them here in Houston! Look guys there's probably a lot of places you can buy them, not least of which is Fiesta, but I was having a bad day when these appeared and I'd thank you not to judge me. +20

Oishii

In case you guys didn't know, Oishii is the new cool place (as opposed to the cool new place; Oishii has definitely been there for a while and everybody but us is going there) to go to in Upper Kirby. I'm getting my information from my best friend, who has been going there for over a year which means she's way cooler than the rest of us, and the people that I babysit for, who also have recently been going there and also are cooler than the rest of us. These guys have a loyal fan base and an excellent happy hour, and a relatively small parking lot to go with all this. It's the type of combination that Houstonians love. Let's get with the program people!!!

Look let's get this straight: the very best part about Oishii (besides the fact that during there happy hour they have buy one get one free appetizers and $1.25 domestic beers) is their ceiling tiles. I cannot make it clear enough: their ceiling tiles are the best in the entire country! They're gold and they have engravings of dragons and more dragons and other things that Asian restaurants like, like koi fish and more dragons. +12 It's pretty inspiring guys. The ceiling at my apartment complex has just a regular white, textured ceiling with no character at all, and up until I went to Oishii I thought that my apartment was pretty rad. Now I know. Now I know that my apartment has the most boring ceilings in the world, apart from regular white ceilings with no texture at all. I don't know that I necessarily have the pizzazz to pull off gold dragon tiles, but I think there are some options that I can explore in the future. Maybe I could install a series of velvet Elvises, covering the entirety of my room. This would have the added benefit of making it look like I lived in an opium den. I'm also thinking of a decorative covering patterned with tiger stripes, but that might be too 80's porn star. A final thought would be to have some sort of edible hanging; maybe like bananas or kiwis or something, and then trade out my carpet for tampolines, but I think maybe that wouldn't work out with my current set up. These are just some ideas, I'll obviously have to consult my lease before I start any major renovations.

Here's what else is cool. Guess what they wrap their sushi in! Well, obviously, I mean it's mostly seaweed, I don't think that should come as a surprise to anybody, but their soy paper? Is pink!!! Is that not the cutest thing you've ever heard of?? +28 This means it's highly possible for them to have Catherine Martin themed sushi rolls. Which is another thing that they do. Create custom sushi rolls for their customers, and actually put them on the menu, that is. Like they have a Kennedy roll, and a Rachel roll, and one day they're going to have a Catherine Martin roll, and it's going to have a pink soy wrapper and spicy tuna and strawberries and other pink things inside it, and people are going to buy it and think they are donating a portion of their profits to breast cancer, but really I just like the color pink a whole lot.

Look here's what I didn't like. I drank a bottle of Kirin Ichiban when I was there, which is a type of Japanese beer I believe. I drank it because it was happy hour, and foreign beers were priced at $1.75 and Melissa got one and let's face it guys, I'm a follower. I don't even like beer and I got one because Melissa did. Yes, if all my friends jumped off a bridge, I probably would too, especially if it wasn't a particularly high bridge and there was water underneath and not any snakes and I'd practiced to get my swan dive shallow enough. Look here's the thing, I want everyone to know that Japanese beer tastes just as gross as American beer. -9 I don't want to get political here, but people on the internet need to stop making fun of all countries other than Canada (people never make fun of people from Canada because people from Canada are so nice. The exception to this is of course Justin Beiber, who everyone makes fun of but forgets is from Canada) because we're all united by our ability to make really gross beer. I hope this brings everyone together, it was a message to the world.

Food Cravings - a series of haikus

There was the time that
For one semester, my meals
Were hashbrowns and eggs

For the last three weeks
It's been cous-cous (with butter,
'stead of olive oil

Let us be clear here
Food cravings are about my
Period, not health)

Those Wint-O-Green mints
More like individually wrapped
Crack- I can't resist.

Cans of artichokes
Jalapeno stuffed olives
Nutella celery

Those good Biscotti
That when you open in bed
Get crumbs everywhere

Boxes of hot tea
Brewed in dirty coffee pots
Final drops stain cups

What is wrong with me???
I'll listen to the same song
On repeat, for weeks

Wear the same T-shirt
Whenever it's clean (also
Whenever it's not)

Let's just agree to
Call it a Super Power
"Stuck in a Rut Girl"

10 Places In Houston It's OK To Eat At Alone and In Your PJs.

Let's be honest, there are only a few places that I WON'T go in my pajamas. And I'm not just talking about eateries - the grocery store, the museum, the movies. The only place I never wear my pajamas to is class, because that is so overdone and expected. Whether it's a confidence in myself or a confidence in my Hello Kitty pajama bottoms, it's hard to say. But I've noticed a few strange looks as I wonder through displays at the Museum of Natural Science in my pink plaid pajama bottoms and my World's Only Corn Palace sweatshirt. I think this needs to change. People, you should be free to be who you are, no matter what the venue! But I know that not everyone as uninhibited as I am. I am almost positive that my mother's greatest regret was allowing young Catherine to pick out her own clothes in kindergarten - I've felt the same freedom to match my socks to my turtleneck my whole life. You were not cultivated by the same individuality, and so I'm providing for you here ten places where you can go on practice runs in your PJs and not get any strange looks.

1. Pink's Pizza
Pink's Pizza is all about the punk rock lifestyle. What is the punk rock lifestyle, you ask? Punk rock is not caring what punk rock means. Punk rock is giving yourself the freedom to define punk rock for yourself, outside the constraints of what society expects punk rock to mean. Not to mention, being a mostly pickup/delivery place, there are hardly ever customers actually inside the restaurant, and if you want to stop in for a slice I guarantee the employees are going to be so wrapped up in their own punk rock lifestyles to notice if you are even wearing pants, let alone whether or not they are from the same Betty Boop set that your  mother bought you for your high school graduation.

2. Torchy's Tacos
Torchy's also lives the punk rock lifestyle, but your sense of anonymity here comes from the fact that no matter what, there are always at least five dozen other people trying to get a taco as well and nobody cares what you're wearing, they just want you to not be in line in front of them. Walking out to your car in the parking lot? There will be no dirty looks from drivers that you didn't bother to shower and impress them; instead, the dirty looks will be that you are not hurrying out of your spot so that they might take it.

3. Whataburger
This is definitely a good place for novices to try out wearing pajamas in public. The Walmart of fast food, the general audience of this fine establishment has generally had to make so much of an effort to even get out of bed that day that any clothing at all seems like a huge bonus. If you've had a hard night of drinking and don't think you'll be able to face the day without an HBCB, don't even try. Find someone else to drive you there, and worry about the logistics of clothing later on.

4. Bernie's Burger Bus
The best thing about Bernie's Burger Bus is that most of the year, they have a bus parked out in front of University of Houston's UC for lunch. If you don't feel like getting dressed in the morning, never fear - just head over to a place where nobody every feels like getting dressed - a college campus. You'll fit right in, I guarantee it. (Incidentally, if you wear real clothes and work in an office and are interested in having a catered visit from Bernie's, feel free to hit up at my new email address, catherine.berniesburgerbus@gmail.com)

5. Buffalo Wild Wings
This is mostly only OK if you go right when they open. I'm speaking from experience on this one guys, having worn pajamas to Buffalo Wild Wings at all different sorts of times on all different sorts of days. This is a sports bar, and people are going to look at you funny if instead of paying attention to the games they are forced to be distracted by your loud, obnoxiously colored pants. In the morning, however, you're more likely to get sympathy from a waitstaff who also wishes they were in their pjs but are, in fact, at Buffalo Wild Wings instead.

6. Prince's Hamburgers
One time I went to Prince's Hamburgers and I asked for the Prince's Original and the girl at the counter replied "The one with the sauce?" as if there was another. These people are far too adorable to care what you are wearing.

7. Moon Tower Inn
Wearing your pajamas to the Moon Tower might actually be better for your rep than not, because people will just assume that you're a hipster making commentary about societal expectations rather than just a really lazy person who had a tough enough time making the decision of whether or not to brush their teeth, let alone what to wear. Order a beer off the menu that nobody has ever heard of, and you'll fit right in with the crowd. (Note: I'd recommend wearing long pajama bottoms here rather than short ones, as there is a risk of splintering on the benches if there is too much exposed skin. You're welcome.)

8. Spanish Flower
Like Buffalo Wild Wings, there are only certain times of the day that you can go to Spanish Flower in your pjs. Part of the day, it's a highly respectable joint that I went to for my graduation dinner and Lady Gaga, in fact, frequents. (If by frequents you of course mean "went to one time and then probably never again") Anytime after about ten pm though you're fine, and that goes until that awkward part of the night when people with real jobs are going out for breakfast and people without real jobs are coming back in from the night. (I'm writing about this time of the night like I know something about it, but I went to bed at 11:30 last night because I was really tired.)

9. Jerry Built
These people have a hand washing station inside their restaurant, guys. These are the craziest dude and dudettes you'll ever meet! One time I went in and the lady handed me some dice and we each rolled and I got a higher number than her and she gave me my food for free! I kid you not! The people who work at Jerry Built are the type that snort cocaine out of the open mouth of a live alligator, and then punch a Grizzly bear for looking at them funny. These people do not mess around, guys. Wearing your pajamas to Jerry Built? Please. They've been wearing their pajamas in public since they were in their mother's uterus.

10. Dot's Diner
Diners are always OK to wear your pajamas to, with one ironclad exception that even I don't break. DO NOT, under any circumstances, wear your pajamas to a diner on a Sunday morning or a Sunday afternoon! That is when diners do not belong to you; they belong to the severest of the church going crowd, and let me tell you, those people are not interested in seeing your brand new green striped pajama bottoms and in fact would much rather you were repenting the sin of wearing them from your home at that very moment.

9.

Mai's

It's true guys, it's true. It's been a while since I last updated my blog. Don't worry though, I have an excuse: first I went on vacation to California, and I got into a beach bum,  drifter lifestyle where the thought of doing actual work just really repulsed me. (Normally this sort of thing would give me anxiety, but in California you don't have anxiety. It's the promised land, guys. I even flew in an airplane without hyperventilating more than a little bit.) Then I came back to Houston, and as the plane landed all the anxiety that I'd been carefully staving away hit me like a Dunbar armored truck - I'd been in California for however many days (beach bums can't count) and I had. not. gotten. discovered. Here I am, just a girl, standing in front of you - just a girl, not a famous movie actress. I failed not only you my faithful audience, but also all the millions of people living in the United States who, for another movie cycle, will once more be deprived of the privilege of seeing me on the silver screen. So why have I managed to come out of this funk, this depression? Well I'll tell you! Arbitrary criticism - that's right, this very blog, has been nominated for a My Table award! To all of my friends that have already said to me, "huh, what's that," I'll tell you. It's a big f&*#$!@ deal, and I'm nominated for one! So if you could please all go vote for me I'd really appreciate it.

Anywho so I went to Mai's the other day because I've been craving pho like a mo-pho. Normally I don't like that kind of thing because you have to put all the sprouts and jalapenos and basil and stuff in yourself; hello I'm not going to a restaurant to make my own dinner guys -2. Lately though I've been all about the Asian soups so off to Mai's I went.

Here's the thing. So I just bought a new car, a 4runner, and it's basically become my whole life. We do everything together, my 4runner and me. We drive to the movies, we drive to the grocery store, we drive to work, we drive to my boyfriend's house... the best part about my 4runner is that I can play my new Mumford and Sons CD as often as I want, and it will never complain. I want my 4runner to have friends outside of myself; after all, that's the sign of a healthy, thriving relationship. To this end, whenever I pull into a parking lot, I always make sure to hunt down an empty spot next to another 4runner. I'll park a block away if it means my car doesn't get lonely while waiting for me to pick up butter. (Also I like to do this because all 4runners look alike and I'm hoping the owner of the other car will get tricked and try to get in the wrong car and comedy will ensue) Sooooooooo, back to our review, I pulled into Mai's and there wasn't a spot available next to the only 4runner in the lot, but there was a spot across the aisle and I figured that would be OK, they'd still be able to see out of their butts at each other. As I was walking in to the restaurant I stopped to peer in through their window to make sure we didn't have the same seat covers so I wouldn't get confused and have comedy ensue; guess what I saw! They had an anti-theft lock across their steering wheel! -13 Who are these people??? I thought only Nigerian princes and people who won the foreign lottery bought stuff like that. I mean hello seriously I know that car theft is a serious crime that affects dozens of people every day and I wouldn't laugh so hard if I'd had my car stolen, but we live in HOUSTON TEXAS. It was in a busy part of town in the middle of the day there was no reason for one of those, they have mounted police on horses we are not in real danger guys. Plus Mai's is a place with table clothes I don't think you're really at risk there c'mon ya'll.

In other news, what is up with making people by themselves eat at the bar? This is just the meanest joke in the world because I get that I don't need room for another person to sit with me, but I'm not the sort of person that can just go to a place and hang out with myself doing nothing. I don't THINK it's because I'm scared of being alone, guys I think it's just because I'm a busy career woman and I checked too many books out of the library and if I can't read my book when I'm eating by myself, then when will I have the chance? -14 So I'm against sitting singles at the bar when there are clearly tables for them to chill at because they have intentionally come at a non-peak hour. We have more need than others for the space on the table, hello if you're there with your lover you could double up on chairs and if you're there for a lunch meeting then I don't recommend ordering the pho anyway, because it's impossible to eat without looking like nobody ever taught you manners and there's no way you'll get anything accomplished!

There was a bright side to the meal though. Well, other than the pho, which was delicious and definitely worth the lack of a parking spot directly next to another 4runner. When my fortune cookie came it said I was going to come in to a large sum of money soon, so hopefully one of the agents I passed by on the sidewalk in Hollywood will be giving me a call soon.

Maggiano's

Look I went to Maggiano’s the first time for Valentine’s day and don’t get me wrong, it was good. For one thing I love the idea of Valentine’s Day, as it is a holiday solely dedicated towards telling your girlfriend how much you like her. Handholding, forehead kissing, check paying... all of the reasons we date boys in the first place, mixed in with a near constant stream of compliments. I love it. Anywhere that I could have gone, I would have loved, but I went to Maggiano’s.

Still, I had no idea how awesome it could be until I went back a second time, for my boyfriend’s birthday, with his entire family. We ordered off of the family menu, and I am about to tell you guys about the greatest deal in the history of restaurants. When you order off the family menu, guys and gals, you pay individually for each family member who joins in, one solid price. For that price you get to pick out a set amount of appetizers, entrees, and desserts, based on how much you are charged. Once make your choices, you can eat until you explode. Until you explode!! They will continue bringing you out platter after platter after platter, until you either tell them to stop or drop dead of cholesterol poisoning in your seat. Not to mention, all you have to say is, yes I’d like another plate, and then not touch it, and then they’ll come by a few minutes later and they’ll wrap it up and you can take it home. +82 You can eat for years off of your leftovers. I’m still full.

At the Maggiano’s in Houston, there are wooden floors around each of the tables as I think is properly hygienic in a restaurant (+3) but all of the walkways have been covered with a thin strip of carpet, so you’re walking on something classy (+8) This really cracks me up because to be honest I’ve never thought to myself, “wow, this restaurant looks really clean and hygienic, but I just wish they’d classed the place up with a bit of carpet. If only that were possible!” Never. I’ve never thought that. But Maggiano’s restaurant did, and that’s why they’re ranked number 1 Italian restaurant that I’ve ever eaten at. And I’ve even eaten at Italian restaurants, in Italy. Let me tell you guys, you don’t get free refills on all your entrees there, that’s for sure.

What I don’t like is that they have valet parking. Look guys I think valet parking is kind of the dumbest thing ever. I hate to come out so strongly against it because one of my roommates is a valet parker, but I hate it. Especially places where there’s a regular parking lot and then you can also give your keys to the guy to park in the regular parking lot. Why would I ever do that? Why wouldn’t I just park my own car? It just seems really silly to me to pay $7 or 8 or 9 to some dude just to save half a minute of walking through the parking lot. -9 There’s a lot of better things I could be doing with that money, like for instance tipping my waiter. Shouldn’t that money be redirected into tipping my waiter? I think everyone at Maggiano’s should have a think about that.

Here’s the other thing I don’t like: the mints they have there. For one thing they sit at the hostess stand so you only see them when you’re seated at your table, not when you leave, so you have to plan ahead if you want one. I hate having to plan ahead, it’s #theworst. -13 Plus, you open up the package and inside it looks like there’s a white wedding mint. I love wedding mints. (Well I used to one time I went to this bar in Houston - F Bar – there’s this really cute bartender there named Antonio who mixes up your cocktails shirtless, I definitely recommend everyone shows up. Anyways there were all these wedding mints and no straight guys so it was pretty obvious what I was going to glom onto, right? So I had Antonio mix me up just one cocktail because I was driving and then I ate approximately 50 of those stupid little mints and it reacted poorly with the Bloody Mary I’d foolishly inserted in my body and I ended up throwing up that night anyway. Just goes to show you should never DD, get some other fool to do that.) Anyways. So it looks like you’re going to get either a good or bad surprise depending on what Catherine you are, pre-F Bar Catherine or post-F Bar Catherine, and then you bite into it in order to create larger surface area reacting with your saliva in order to dissolve it faster, only to discover that in the inside it is not a mint. In the inside it is a disgusting ball of reject chocolate, and your afternoon and your life are both ruined. Thanks a lot, Maggiano’s.

Feast

Like all trendy cool people, I wanted to make sure to get to Feast before they closed for good. My main goal in this was to be able to bring it up in conversations with people who had never been there - "Oh, remember the good old days when Feast was still a restaurant? Man, I had so many shenanigan there that one time I went. Oh, you didn't go? Sucks to be you..." I've been practicing my condescending stare in the mirror all morning instead of doing something productive like working on a career or beating the new Nancy Drew computer game I just installed on my computer.

The best part about Feast is that you need a reservation to get in there. Well I'm not sure if you NEED a reservation. But I got one anyway! This is something I've actually never done before. I recently watched Lena Dunham's hit movie Tiny Furniture and in it she works as a phone girl taking reservations; this made me feel like it was something I could do. If it's Lena Dunham on the other side of the phone, I told myself, answering this phone to give dramatic pause between talking to the handsome chef, then I should be able to handle the social interaction of a several second phone call between myself and a stranger. This assumption is strengthened by the fact that I also am a phone girl at a restaurant and routinely have to have several second phone calls with strangers over fifty times a night. However, at the last minute I choked. For one thing it took me more than one scroll in the internet to find the phone number to Feast, which meant that I had time to be distracted by cute pictures of cats. (Just to let you know I've been distracted in the middle of this post six times already) By the time I found the phone number, I'd already lost confidence. After all, I'd managed to be awake for three hours already without having to talk to a single person. What if that day was the day I broke a world record for longest time spent living in society without talking to a person? It's true that I was planning on going to Feast that night with a date, but Thomas would understand if I didn't talk to him all evening, if it was, you know, for fame and fortune. I'd mention him in my acceptance speech, if I ever spoke again to give one. So I went to Open Table and made the reservation there, and now I'm convinced that Open Table was only invented so that socially handicapped people like me also can eat at nice restaurants +87

Let's talk about brussel sprouts for a second here. Feast has excellent brussel sprouts, I'd like to inform everyone. I'd say third best in Houston after Uchi and then that place in Oak Forest called Plonk! stay tuned for a review next week. Since when were brussel sprouts so trendy! I don't know but they've always been one of my favorite vegetables. I've come a long way since when my mother made brussel sprouts dressed with nothing but lemon juice and butter, I now have several very complicated recipes for brussel sprouts all involving bacon or bacon grease. Anyways remember how people always used to hate brussel sprouts even though they were secretly delicious this whole time? I just want to say that I'm proud of our local area restaurants for bringing this misunderstood vegetable to the table. +13 Though come on brussel sprouts you haven't made it easy for everyone by masquerading as a tiny cabbage which I think we can all agree is the most disgusting vegetable on the planet even my fish won't eat cabbage and they'll eat garbage. (Don't worry I never fed my fish garbage before)

There is one thing I didn't like about Feast. They have those little bowls of salt on the table and you're supposed to use a tiny little spoon to put salt on your food! I think those bowls are so disgusting! Like what if someone went to the bathroom and they didn't wash their hands and then they picked up their water glass and the germs got onto the drink and then they toasted with their water glass directly above the salt bowl and then the condensation from the drink trickled at that exact moment into the tiny little salt bowl? Bam all of a sudden there's germs in your salt! ALSO there's more to my hating here, what's up with that tiny little spoon? There's no way that's as efficient for salt use as a shaker with tiny holes. What if you have Parkinson's disease? All your salt is going to get clumped into very few places and then some of your food is way way way too salty and then the rest of your food isn't salty at all but you don't dare try again because then all your food will be too salty and also it will all be covered in germs. -21 I think it's all part of one of those plans that I hear about where the chef doesn't want you to use salt because they perfectly salted the food already. Look I'll agree the food was perfectly salted, nobody here at Arbitrary Criticism (it's just me guys) is going to argue with you on that. What's more if this is the plan I like it a lot better than just not having salt on the table, now I at least feel like I didn't put salt on because I decided not to, not because I was forbidden to by some guy I never even met before. +3 This is America guys c'mon.

Haikus on the Subject of Jack-in-the-Box, Friendship

Hard night studying
Melissa in the doorway
"Want Jack-in-the-Box?"

("Studying" not right -
"Procrastinating" correct.
Sometimes more draining!)

A quilt on the floor
Our feast spread out before us
Reruns of South Park

Three crispy eggrolls
Cabbage hot enough to melt
Flame retardant skin

A pair of tacos
Delicious, deep fried, greasy
Just ninety-nine cents

Carmel iced coffee
No longer available
Helped me pass college

Late nights at the Box
Laughing at the intercom
Celebrating life

Petrol Station

So I don't know if you guys ever watch Drinking Made Easy, but it's not a very good podcast and they came to Houston and had a drinking contest at Petrol Station! They were there, at the bar that I am reviewing! (Though to be clear I am reviewing them as a restaurant not as a bar, I have standards guys even if I did watch Drinking Made Easy, the worst show ever made.)

When I walked in I very nearly stumbled into a guy that I recently graduated college with. The worst part of this is that never, in the four years and dozen classes we spent together, did I say one word to this man. This is pretty hard, considering the number of group projects the average member of the Conrad N Hilton College of Hotel/Restaurant Management is required to be in, but yes this particular man and I never once spoke to each other. Now, here we are, in our real lives, almost literally running into each other... talk about awkward. I want you to know that I managed to keep up my streak and neither one of us even said excuse me. I could tell from the stricken look on his face that he as well is a member of that very socially awkward group I'm in, that would rather cut off their arms than talk to another person; the sad thing is that this interaction, from us sharing an interest in attending the same bar and then sharing the other interest of not speaking to weirdos from college, suggests that we might have been friends had we ever been forced to communicate, but that time is past and now we will never have another opportunity. -13 Also I was wearing my favorite shirt that I wore to class at least a million times over the last four years and it would have been really embarrassing to talk to him because if he did recognize me it was probably because my Three Wolf Moon shirt was a dead give away.

Also what kind of name is Petrol Station guys? Come on this is America. You can't even try to tell me it's a British style pub because guess what guys? They serve AMERICAN CRAFT BEERS THERE. American, guys. They know what country they are in! This is exactly the kind of flip flopping I think we all grew to expect from John Kerry in his presidential run, not the kind of flip flopping I want from a place I'm planning on buying alcohol. -9 My understanding is that they had a different sort of scandal a few years back in which they were accused of being unAmerican; can they really afford the sort of bad publicity that comes from being called Petrol Station? I recommend a quick change to the Gas Station, but it's important to make the change in a way that doesn't force me to think this is just a further inability to stick to their guns.

I want to be clear that I kind of like the atmosphere at this place. I mean I get that the food is really not that great (I ordered the Pig Newton, what a letdown guys. "Pig Newton" is such a fun, charming name, I really expected something fun and charming in response, but just between you and me it was way too salty and then the sweetness of the fig preserves just made everything nasty. Speaking as someone with years of fig preserve making under their belt, well like one year anyway, I can criticize without losing any sleep at night. And then here's the thing about prosciutto, guys, it's amazing, the best thing the Italians every gave us after the lively news coverage of Berlusconi's constant stream of scandals. Yet this particular sandwich made me think prosciutto is gross, a hard thing to do.) And I don't really like craft beer, I don't like any beer at all don't think I'm discriminating, so that's not a huge draw for me. And I get that waiting over an hour for your food is silly, no matter how busy they are. Guys it really does not take that long to make a burger. Plus I've been reading yelp! a lot lately (only negative reviews, I don't like to read about people being happy, that's why Edith Wharton and Hemingway are my favorite writers, they can really make you depressed about your future), this is a reoccurring pattern, why don't they just hire an extra kitchen guy? I mean it seems like an easy solution. But I'm not here to tell people how to live their lives, I'm here to tell you that I think it's sweet that you go into the restaurant and then it looks small and then you realize there's a back patio and you go out on the back patio and it's bigger but still small, and then you look and realize that there's more space out even beyond that, enough space that it could be turned into a wildlife preserve for like buffaloes or whatever it is you want to preserve.  Tigers, or something. Ostriches, if you're watching the new season of Arrested Development. +18 So my point is this is a bad place if you want to eat food or not run into people you went to college with or not drink craft beers but other than that it's really nice and they have picnic tables.

A Poem to Taco Bell

Cheesy Gordita Crunch
I love you
your taste
your texture
your crunch.
The way that when I bite in
the Pepper Jack sauce
mixes with the packet of fire sauce
and trickles down my face
in rivulets.
You're always there
when I'm drunk
sober
studying
getting off of work
too lazy to make dinner
need something to sneak into the movies
going to the park
going on a road trip
already ate dinner but want to boredom eat
wearing my favorite shirt and want to celebrate.

You're there when
my feet hurt
my head hurts
my back hurts
I'm on my period
Dumbledore just died
I'm cleaning my room
(just kidding that never happens)
I just saw Twilight and it was sadly just as good as the book
there are no parking spots on campus and I have to just skip class instead.
I've loved you
my whole life and with
every part of my soul.
Cheesy Gordita Crunch
I love you.

Beaver's

I went here on Mother's Day with my mother for brunch. It was impossible to miss that it was brunch because on the menu they handed us there were four different recipes for Bloody Marys and two recipes for mimosas. This is the kind of brunch menu my mother and I approve of. +8 My understanding is that they also serve food here.

Just kidding of course I ate the food there! Here's what else was really nice about their menu: two of their brunch items had exclamation points after them, so that you know the restaurant is really excited to serve them! The two menu items in question were their stacked enchiladas!!! and Reubang! sandwich. I know what you're thinking, a smart girl would have ordered something that the restaurant was that excited about, but I'm a college graduate now so I don't have to act like a smart girl I can simply manage, lead, synergize, etc. other people into doing it for me. Either way I loved this about them, it got me very excited about my meal, and I'm planning on using the same tactic for the next time I make dinner for my boyfriend. "We're having appetizers! of three different kinds!!! all out of a box! and no entree at all!!". (I'm very domesticated, I know you are all very jealous of him for getting to date me.)

The best part of Beaver's though was that they'd printed out all sorts of popular memes from the internet and posted them around the doors of the restaurant. There was First World Problems, a woman weeping into her hand, thinking, "I can't believe I didn't see the hostess. Now I don't have a menu." There was Good Guy Greg, smoking his joint, saying, "Notices Signs. Sees Hostess." There was my pal Philosoraptor, pondering, "If you don't see the hostess, how will anyone know you are here?" I loved this stuff! I loved it a bunch! +183 Most restaurants, I'm sure you are aware, just have a little sign that says "Please wait for a hostess" real politely. This is not enough of a precaution! Trust me I know, sometimes I'm a hostess! And I can't tell you how aggravating it is to have people seat themselves. Here's why: being a hostess is not the most exciting job in the world. All you have to do is find clean, empty tables, and lead people to them in a way that best maintains a low empty seat count. People have done this in their sleep before. So when people show up and just seat themselves! I mean come on! This is all I'm doing tonight! I cleared my whole schedule! I specifically put on my work shirt and tied my sneakers to come and be with you tonight, and for you to assume that you can do my job better than me is simply insulting. Also, I hate when there is clearly a line of people waiting for a table and someone comes up to me, the hostess, and says, "So, can I just seat myself?" That's like stomping up to a doctor's office, waiting while he puts on all his operating gloves and such, and then saying to him, so, "can I just remove my own kidney, or what?" What do you think that man is standing there for?? I'm getting a little heated here so I'll just summarize: I really appreciate Beaver's clear and thoughtful response to the major disrespect of their hostesses, and I certainly appreciate their use of First World Problems, the meme I most frequently associate with (after, of course, Foul Bachelorette Frog)

All I have left so say about this joint is that the apartments across the street at 2411 Washington look really nice and attractive, but don't fall in love because a one-bedroom starts at $1279 and ain't nobody got time for that.

Which Wich

Look guys. I just want to start by saying that no matter what it seems like from the name, Which Wich does not serve sandwiches. They serve magic, and nothing but magic.

I used to work in this pizza restaurant and now that none of us work there anymore I can tell you that my manager used to break our employee food rule and we’d trade three pizzas to Which Wich every Sunday in exchange for sandwiches. And oh, my, did we get the good end of the deal. They send over their longest sandwiches, stuff them full of meats and cheeses. They’d pack us little bags with chips and cookies in them. One day it was hotter than usual and they threw in some milk shakes for us, because they thought we might want them. They thought we might want them! We didn’t even ask! We didn’t even suggest that we thought we might one day rise so high in their favor! +1857 They never put olives on any of my sandwiches and whenever we called them, they sounded so grateful to hear from us that it was as if they were the ones who were blessed, they were the ones who were receiving a great prize.

Can we talk about how awesome they are? What about that logo of theirs? Have you seen it? It says Which Wich, but the bottom of the W, the bottom half, overlaps a loaf of bread so it’s like the v shapes are the slashes put in the bread to keep it from bursting. +8! Isn’t that imaginative? I know right? Simultaneously telling us what their name is and evoking the image of fresh bread? Honestly I don’t even care how fresh their bread is, they could get it at the day old store and I’d still eat it as long as they slathered it with hummus and honey mustard. Uggh have you had their honey mustard? Which Wich is the only place I’ll eat it now because nobody will ever be as good as them again.

And their cute little conveyor oven? I know all sandwich places have them, but it’s only cute at Which Wich. I like the idea of my sandwich getting on the conveyor belt, and it’s not sure what’s going to happen to it, but it’s just glad that it gets to be a sandwich, and it’s a little self-conscious and it hopes that I like it. It’s a little bit like being a bride on your wedding day, but nicer. It goes onto the conveyor belt and then all of a sudden it’s out of sight? What happens to it? The same things that happen to our bride friend. Its cheese melts and its crust toasts, and its eyebrows get plucked and its hair combed out so it’s really nice and shiny. The vegetables get all hot and start to juice out a bit, so all the flavors run together and when I take a bite they’ll run down my chin. It puts on a really pretty white dress and it puts something old and something new, something borrowed and something blue deep inside it, hidden to where only it knows which is which. Which is wich? Heh heh heh. The meat starts to sizzle and it says goodbye to its mom and to its dad, and then it’s out of the conveyor oven and I can see it again, and it’s the most beautiful sandwich in the world. I want to cry every time I see it, but I’m the man in this metaphor, and I can’t.

Also! The cups that their milkshakes come in! Can we please go back to the milkshakes! It’s not just that they’re amazing, it’s that the cups that they come in can totally be washed and reused at your home for all sorts of purposes! You can drink water out of those cups, you can drink orange juice, you can drink any kind of liquid you want, though I don’t recommend anything too hot just on principle because the plastic just isn’t that thick! +45 Still! Even without that structural problem, they are still awesome cups! I like any sort of cup that means I can increase my material net worth and take up more space in the cabinets than my roommates! Except my roommates also have these cups, so it’s impossible to tell who’s is who’s! That’s the problem with having roommates! We have the same issue when it comes to red UH cups that we stole from the dormitories before moving into real apartments! Moving away from each other is going to be a mess! I can’t stop ending sentences in exclamation points, because I love Which Wich so much!

Finally. Did you know that every single sandwich you would ever want to get at Which Wich, can also be made into a salad? Oh my God. I don’t even know what to add on to that, except that this is my greatest fantasy in life, for someone else to constantly be at my beck and call to make salads for me whenever I want them. +98 Which Wich, you know me so well. You understand my childhood pain of having to always make the salad for everyone else, and to never have the salad made for me. You get me, like nobody else ever has. I promise to love and cherish you, as long as we both shall live.

BB's

Some of you may have read less than glowing reviews of Louisiana in this forum before. Those of you who know me may have heard me call Louisiana "America's butthole", "a dingleberry", or "a crappy place to go." Hating Louisiana as I did, I refused to enjoy Cajun food in any form, referring to all of it as "sewer trash". I know, guys. "Sewer trash" is a redundant phrase. Everything in a sewer is trash. Anyways! I've been shown the light! This Spring Break my best friend from high school and I ventured into the wasteland of Louisiana, and I kind of have a different opinion of it now! I mean don't get me wrong, the air got noticeably smellier once we crossed the border and I wasn't carded once in that lawless society (which, now that I'm over 21, makes me feel like an old lady rather than lucky that I got away with something I shouldn't have.) However everything I ate there was really tasty and more importantly, I held a baby alligator, which was life-changing.

Did you know that alligators have an acid inside their bellies that completely breaks down blood and sinew? They can just eat whole animals without having to worry about what's going to happen to them later.

Anyway. So now that I like Cajun food, I sauntered on over to local favorite BB's Cafe. I assume it's a local favorite because the logo is so cute, a snoozing moon, that there's no way people could manage to stay away. The logo would just melt their hearts. +10 Also there is a BB's right next to the Velvet Melvin, where I frequently hold my birthday parties. Public service announcement: you can no longer get a fish tank for free on your birthday, you have to pay $18 for it even if you cry. If you're looking for a better deal on your birthday, you can come over to my apartment but there's no guarantee that I'll stay awake past 12:30 to hang out with you (maybe that's why people in New Orleans didn't card me - because it was barely even night time hours and I was already checking my watch and wondering aloud when we could be back to the hotel room, asleep)

Look I'm going to tell you something real here guys, something non-arbitrary. I loved the fried pickles at this place. +1798 Fried pickles is one of the things that I like to eat the most with my mother, who is another fanatic. I've tried fried pickles across town - at Hooters, at Katz's, at Studio Movie Grill, at no other places than that. And the fried pickles at BB's are hands down the best in Houston. Not only because of the delicate flaking of the batter whenever you bite into them, but also because the ranch dipping sauce that they provide is BACON JALAPENO RANCH. It is so good, you have no idea. Recently my boyfriend told me that nothing I do would ever embarrass him, and so lately I've been testing him and I did eat a spoonful of bacon jalapeno ranch all by itself just to see if it's true. Let the record show that he was not embarrassed, -5, but the bacon jalapeno ranch dipping sauce was just as amazing by itself as it was with fried pickles dipped into it. Guys I love BB's, let's just get that through our heads.

I will say though that there was one thing I found unsatisfactory. Inside the Angry Orchard's six-pack that was holding the condiments on my table (I know, aren't they so trendy and cool with their empty hard apple cider cases on every table? This didn't even make me as mad as creative recycling normally does because of the food coma I was very quickly lulled into.) there were four different bottles of hot sauces. Two of the hot sauces were Tabasco related. One was Cajun Chef. One was Crystal's, admittedly the third greatest hot sauce. NONE were Louisiana hot sauce, my favorite hot sauce every, which is named for the state that this food came from!!! -19 Come on guys, can we at least stay on theme??? Look I'm not mad about this, I'm not about to go write a Yelp review or anything, especially since all the food was perfect and didn't need hot sauce. I would however call myself at least a bit disgruntled and I will be telling all of my friends that I meet at my next birthday at the Velvet Melvin about this.

Pho and Grill

This place is on 290, just right outsidethe loop. I'll agree that it's not in a neighborhood I typically associate with great Vietnamese food, but it's right by the movie theater I normally go to with my bf and the other day we needed to stop and get something before we saw Jurassic Park 3D. Have you guys seen that yet? It's awesome, I definitely recommend it, if only because Jurassic Park was the best movie ever made when it came out, and now with 3D retouching it's once again the best movie ever!!! +10 I'll admit that Ian Malcolm is maybe not my dream man anymore, ever since Daniel Craig, beefcake of the year, was cast as James Bond, but he's still a pretty cool scientist and I think we can all agree that the velociraptors in that movie are so scary!! I was just talking to my brother the other day about how easily I'm scared by movies and he pointed out that the last time the two of us watched a scary movie together I had to sleep on his bottom bunk because I was too scared; he thinks this is a funny story because I was twenty at the time but in reality this is a funny story because the movie was Jurrasic Park. Don't worry guys I have fish now that protect me from that sort of stuff so I wasn't too traumatized by the 3D version.

Anyway. Pho and Grill. So this is what's important: there are booths along the side and I know what you are thinking, wow, those must be the best seats in the house, the only thing is once you sit down you realize that they are the most uncomfortable booths ever created! What they did was they took a solid wood bench and then they sanded it so that it looked rounded, like there was padding, and then stapled a piece of fabric over it, so that it gives the illusion that it's a super comfortable, secretive booth, but in real life it's a sleeper cell of hatred and discomfort. -29 This is the biggest kind of betrayal ever, as booths are the nicest part about eating in a restaurant and these booths completely pervert everything that their breed stands for. It's mean! You know what this compares to? There's this lawn-mowing company or something, I didn't give them the satisfaction of remembering what their business is, and they printed their business cards on what looks like a hundred dollar bill; when you fold it in half, it's exactly the size of a quartered hundred dollar bill and the sides are printed so it looks exactly like one. Anyways so I'm at work, hanging out, doing my business, giving people food and taking their money for it, and I look down in the tip jar and there's a hundred dollar bill! I flip out! This is so great! One hundred dollars, split three ways... that's thirty three dollars!  A fortune! I can quit my job! I start to plan what I'm going to buy with it, I think about all the tropical vacations I'm going to go on, I think about the Maserati I'm going to buy, I pick out the Swatches I'm going to buy for my parents as a thank you for raising me... I fish it out, to show to my coworkers, so they can begin to plan their new lives too, and guess. what. It's NOT a hundred dollar bill! I'm NOT rich! It's just some dumb business card for some dumb lawn-mowing business or like a bail bonds attorney or something. THAT'S what those booths did to me, again.

Look I know that sounds like a good reason to never go to Pho and Grill but I'm sure it's a nice place to go if you sit at a table. I found a hair in my pho, but it was mine, so don't freak out. This happens to me a lot because I have long hair and I rarely brush it, so whenever I wear it down all the live hairs are trying to push out the dead hairs because it's traumatic for them to have to be together in such cramped conditions, I mean it's actually pretty inhumane, if the CPS or I guess it would really be the Hair Protective Services found out, they'd be pretty peeved. But luckily I've managed to stay under their radar for this long and my only punishment is occasionally finding horse tail long hairs in my soup only to realize that it is in fact my own, and also that half of my hair now tastes like bean sprouts and broth. +18 Just keeping it for later, that's what I always say. (That's pretty gross, to be clear I never say that.)

Anyways if anyone wants to go see Jurassic Park in 3D with me please email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com but just to let you know afterwards you may wake up to discover that I have crept into your home and am attempting to fear cuddle you.

Mandola's Deli

If you guys live on UH campus you've seen this place for sure, it's just across the street from that Kroger on Cullen, where they only have half the things you need at any given time and the dog food and the cereal are on the same aisle which is really weird if you ask me, like what are the trying to insinuate here? Also the lady products are in the same aisle as manly things like motor oil and light bulbs that only men ever need (just kidding guys I have to put new motor oil in my car every six miles ain't nobody got time to wait for a man to do that for me) so that it's super awkward for both genders. So yeah Mandola's Deli is right there, it's this orange-y brick building with a picture of Italy with the Italian flag superimposed over it. I always thought it was a front for the Houston branch of the mob, I had no idea it was like a real restaurant! That regular non-mob people could go into! Turns out though, anybody can go into a mob restaurant, it's just people will look at you the whole time you eat your meal and if you overhear anything you'll end up in the trunk of your own car, floating down the river. Pretty scary stuff.

So yeah Mandola's Deli has been there for like a million years, like 38 or something. Anyway you go inside and it definitely looks like it's from an earlier era, before there were arbitrary critics running around, looking at people's table and chair sets and judging them based on what they got. Because their table and chair sets are real boring, guys. Like one step up from a folding set. Except I think that maybe the folding set is better, as maybe they look boring but at least when your roommate gets a new kitchen set off of Craigslist, you can put the folding seat in the closet until you remember to get rid of it. These tables and chairs, you cannot do that, unless it's a real big closet that I wonder if they'd consider renting out for not too much money as my lease expires soon. -14 I don't want you to think that I have a huge problem with boring tables, the only thing is, they only have four tops, so if you came in for instance with a group of eight because your friend Jess is back in town from St. Louis for the week, then you're SOL and have to push tables together in a nosy way that just draws more attention to you from the mob types that are hanging out there.

But back to the fact that Mandola's Deli has been open so long. Have you guys ever worked for a restaurant that's been open that long? It's really nice, the thing is whenever you work in a restaurant people are always trying to tell you how to do your job, you know, everyone has an opinion these days. But! Thirty eight years is older than most of the people who are always trying to be your parent and boss you around, so nobody can be a buttface to you at a restaurant that old! +29 I'm all about restaurant workers getting treated well as I'm going to be chronically underemployed for the rest of my life and will probably die at age ninety three in a restaurant, answering the phones, my wrinkled crone hands punching away at some new advanced POS system, whispering croak-y questions into the receiver. "Would you like to add a can of Coke to your order?" will be my final words as I slip into the great fast food chain in the sky. In order to make my final days as wonderful as my current ones, I'll make sure that the restaurant I'm slogging away in has been producing food for at least 10 years longer than I've been consuming it. Let's just hope Mandola's Deli is still there when I need it to supplement my Social Security checks.

Frida Mexican Kitchen

I was going to start by complaining about the grammar of the name of this restaurant, but then guys I remembered that I've never proofread anything I submitted to you, my loyal followers, and I'd rather do anything than be the pot that calls the kettle black, with the wrong punctuation and probably misspelled as well. You get off this time, Frida Mexican Kitchen, but in my mind I will always pronounce the apostrophe s.

Look I think Frida Kahlo is kind of weird looking, OK? We've discussed it before. If I were a famous artist known for my self portraits, I would not have painted myself so many times with a unibrow. I would have painted myself a lot skinnier, and my hair would be shinier, and my elbows would be less pointy, and I wouldn't have this weird tan line underneath my watch, where it's not really a difference in the actual hue of my skin but just in how many freckles I have. OK but Frida Mexican Kitchen LOVES Frida Kahlo. There's a portrait of her outside the door, and there are pictures of her inside, and the tables themselves are made out of laminated portraits of Frida. They're all the same portrait too. Look I kind of like it, OK? +31 I mean that's real commitment, you know? Real commitment. I'm not even talking, like, marriage commitment. I'm talking, that restaurant married Frida, then they moved to a small island with her, and then they kicked off all of the native inhabitants, and then they burned their ships, and then they ate all of the furry animals that they could have talked to, and then they lived there with Frida for the rest of their lives without having anyone else to be with except for Frida. THAT'S the kind of commitment this restaurant made to Frida, and it's nice.

What's silly about this restaurant is, it's your typical Mexican restaurant if you ask me, kind of dark, nice salsa, that kind of stuff, not dirty, you know, but not exactly fine dining. Call me prejudiced, but I always prejudge Mexican restaurants the minute I walk in the door, you know? If they put too much emphasis on appearances then I always feel like they're just trying to trick us into not noticing how bad the food is. Don't get me wrong FMK has good Mexican food, it's not bad, I ate the fish tacos, also the salsa is good, also the queso is good, you get what I'm saying, but that kind of stuff isn't important. What I'm trying to say is, the inside of the restaurant looks like it would be a good Mexican restaurant, but then the waiter comes to your table and he's wearing a really silly bow-tie! It was so big and fancy! Like we'd taken a wrong turn down Ella and somehow ended up at Brenner's! Did you guys ever read Catcher in the Rye? And our boy Holden's got that hooker in his room, and he's imagining her at the store buying that green dress and it makes him so sad that he can't bang her? That's kind of how I felt about my waiter - I was picturing him at home putting his bow tie on, and then I was imagining him thinking to himself, man, this sucks, I hate this bow tie, and it made me so sad that he had to do that for me, Catherine Martin, when I'd shown up in sweatpants and my Three Wolf Moon shirt. -18 You know? That poor waiter! I bet he wishes he'd been wearing his Three Wolf Moon shirt too.

The best part though is that their rice and beans don't come on the plate itself, they come on the side, in these little blue pots and and you think that it's this lovely surprise, and it is, you open the top, and on the inside is the rice and beans! You can recreate this moment as often as you want by replacing the lid and then removing it again! Oh, what's in the pot? Oh! Rice! What's in the other one? Oh! Beans! I love this kind of stuff +20 Luckily I have the wonder of a child, anything can impress me if I'm in the right mood and it's hyped correctly. Like you know those fizzy bath bombs that you drop in the water and they fizz up and then at the end the water is a different color and smells nice? I love those, I could watch them for hours. Anything that changes color, really, like those mood rings that only ever seem to go to purple? They have shirts that change color in the same way, like wherever someone touches you or if some parts of your torso are hotter than others then it glows a different color, isn't that awesome? I mean I think it would be embarrassing actually, like for instance your armpits are always going to be a different color, which is gross. But my point is I love these pots.

The only thing is I liked FMK but if you guys are in Oak Forest and want Mexican food you really should just go to Mi Sombrero and eat the Tommy's Tacos, as they are the greatest things in the world.