Star Pizza

So I'll admit it I'm a little biased here since I work in a rival pizza restaurant. Buuut I recently quit my job and I think that means I'm very well qualified to review Star Pizza, located at 2111 Norfolk. Besides I'm 98% sure one of my friends works there even if I didn't see him so that makes this even more journalistic and professional.

K so Star Pizza is two stories I didn't know if you guys knew that. Melissa and I asked one of the guys there if they had dumbwaiters to carry the food to the second story or if they had to use the stairs and first he said they didn't and then he corrected himself and said they had several dumbwaiters but usually they just called them knuckleheads. Heh heh heh. +19. Anyway, we sat on the bottom floor in one of their dining rooms and the first thing we saw when we walked in was this giant painting of an underwater scene with lots of fish etc. Probably lots of you guys know that I have a fish named Melvin that I've obviously never killed but sometimes gets really sick, and then I have to flush him down the toilet so he'll go to the hospital and the next morning I have to go to Petco and pick him back up after his treatments. They're really great to him there sometimes he comes back completely different colors or sizes. Anyway I really like Melvin, he has this Roman arch that sometimes he swims through in a really cute way and in the mornings when I turn his light on to say hello he swims to the top and I like to pretend it's because he wants to see me and not because he knows I'm about to feed him. My point is Melvin's the only family I have in my apartment and so we're really close, I tell him all my secrets and he's very comforting and when you walk in to Star Pizza if you have a Melvin you can feel very at home. Several of the fish they have painted on their wall are blue and Melvin has also been blue several times, so it's a pretty realistic depiction of my own fish history. +10

Here's something weird about Star Pizza. So any restaurant you go into you have sugar packets at your table, for your tea or whatever. You have the pink ones that are Sweet and Lo, you have the blue ones that are Equal, and you have your white ones that are (I think) Imperial sugar. Right? Well at Star Pizza they have blue ones and pink ones and white ones, but the blue ones are Sweet Mate and the pink ones are Sweet Crystals and the white ones are Glazier sugar. Isn't that strange? I didn't even notice at first, just because I'm so used to that always being such a staple of restaurant living. I'm not even sure how I feel about it, so I'm going to give them +6 and -6 as well. You can draw your own conclusions about their sweeteners it'll be the interactive portion of today's blog post.

OK so the bathrooms are pretty cool there but before we get into the particulars can I tell you a story? So I was obviously listening closely to everything Melissa said to me, but over her shoulder I watched this guy and this girl and they both walked to the restrooms together and a bit the guy came out and he was waiting, loitering a bit, and then he seemed to get tired so he left to go sit down, they were sitting in a different dining room than us. And about a minute later the girl comes out too, and she's loitering and standing around and sighing and I couldn't help but wonder, was she waiting for that guy that just abandoned her? But she's sending text messages and she keeps yawning and seriously, guys, when in the history of the universe has a woman ever gotten out of the bathroom before a man? Just because we have more to do in there than dudes, like powder our noses and actually wash our hands. So I'm staring at her and I can't help but notice that she's waiting and she's waiting and she's obviously growing impatient. I stare and I stare. I gossip about her with Melissa for a while. I stare some more. I honestly no joke probably stared at her for a full fifteen minutes before getting up and telling her he'd left. I just don't understand! Who was she texting? What did she think he was doing? Why didn't he just wait for her for a minute longer? The whole thing was so nerve wracking and awkward that I'm giving the whole establishment a -23 for making me work through it.

Inside the bathrooms though things are super nice. For one thing, they have a picture of Marilyn Monroe in a tutu. There's also a picture of a little boy hugging an elephant, which anyone would find charming! +13 for their artwork. But it gets better! Most crappy restrooms have graffiti all over the bathroom stalls, but not Star Pizza! Instead, they have a chalkboard for you to write on to keep their bathrooms clean but allow you to express your opinions and arbitrary criticisms! Some gems are: "this restaurant is naise" (a regional colloquialism I assume is equivalent to nice); "I need a rape whistle"; and "naruto rocks". All VERY important observations and excruciatingly relevant to the bathroom experience in general. I also learned quite a bit about Bobby's mother but none of it was nice enough to repeat here I'd probably get sued for libel or something. +8

Anyways that's about my whole review of Star Pizza. The only other thing I have to mention is that they have a sign that states "hippies use side doors" which means I'm passionately in love with them. Everybody give it a try and email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Buffalo Wild Wings

I've been reviewing a lot of Houston restaurants lately and I realize that they might not be as accessible to my audiences in other cities. To cater to you, my dear readers, I've chosen today to focus on a nationwide chain, Buffalo Wild Wings. I couldn't find any information about how many there are nationwide in my five minute search of the interweb, but there were 76 opened in the last 180 days so the chances are there's one near you. I'm reviewing the location at 3939 Washington Avenue, but you guys can just insert whatever location you want I'm sure they're all the same.

So here's what you need to know. Every Tuesday my coworkers and I participate in Wingsday, a weekly celebration of friends and dead chickens. We've had a couple months off total, but tradition is tradition and I'm a Republican so I'm just as into tradition as Democrats are into Radical Eats. At Buffalo Wild Wings, Tuesday is fifty cent wing night, but only if you order traditional, bone in wings. Just to let you know, this past Tuesday not a single person ordered the bone in wings. Boneless wings, burgers, buffalo wraps, you name it, but not a single bone in wing. I mean it's really good savings, obviously. I mean you can get twelve for six dollars! Boneless wings, you get for like a dollar each. You know what the worst part is? Thursdays they have fifty cent boneless wings! Why don't we just go on Thursday? There's no reason we go on Tuesdays that I know of, it's just as arbitrary as my criticism! -9

Let's go back to my need for stability and tradition in my BWW (B Dubs as us regs call it) (that's what I call it anyway). OK so my favorite buffalo wings - which I get boneless despite the obvious savings because it makes them feel more like chicken nuggets - are the jammin' jalapeno ones. But guess what! They're limited time only! But guess what else! They've been limited time only since the summer time. Since the end of last spring semester time. First they were limited time only in a special insert that went into your menu, but now they've printed entirely new menus that say they're limited time only ON THE ACTUAL MENU. Guys! I don't think they're actually limited time only! I think they're gonna be here for forever, which is such a good thing because it's my all time favorite wing sauce and if they get rid of it I'm going to have to find a new flavor! Or start eating buffalo wraps! Or stop going to Wingsday! +867 for their deceptive marketing that brings me my favorite wings every week!

Buffalo Wild Wings is obviously a sports bar, and I know what you're thinking. Sports? Who watches sports? But apparently lots of people do, and they like to do it loudly and drunkenly and in groups. We're all shocked by this intelligence I know. It's kind of fun though to hang out in those places with all the people watching their teams, but I wish they'd play something a little more accessible for us female types, like Air Bud or the other Air Bud movie when he's playing football instead. +7 The thing is though, my B Dubs tried to get really festive and place football jerseys on the walls of all the teams in the area, so you could go watch your favorite team and be surrounded by your favorite team too. But it's AWFUL! They have a football team from the Houston Texans and from Rice and from St. Thomas high school, but do you know which team is mysteriously absent? The University of Houston! They put up a high school football team, but not the UNIVERSITY OF HOUSTON! I go to school there! Don't they know I come in every week? Man if there's one demographic they ought to be catering to it's me! I order the expensive wings on fifty cent Tuesday! -13 for sure.

Here are some good things about Buffalo Wild Wings. They have winged buffaloes on their water cups, actually all of their cups. Buffaloes are my girlfriend Melissa's favorite animal, and things with wings are my fourth favorite, so it's kind of an amalgamation of our favorite things. +6 I'll be honest with you guys, I've wanted to steal one of those cups for a while but I wasn't raised to be that kind of thief, maybe like a jewel thief, but not a cup thief. Anyways I think they're really charming but I just can't do it. Other cool things are that they have advertisements for themselves on their walls! I mean how funny is that! I'm already eating at Buffalo Wild Wings, why would I need somebody to tell me to eat at Buffalo Wild Wings? I mean don't you think they should post those somewhere else, like train stations and the insides of strip clubs? I just think they're wasting their advertising dollars on the wrong market but I think it's kind of funny so I'm giving them +3 for this. As well, on their ketchup bottle, guess what it says? It says: ketchup: the source of mustard's insecurities. Isn't that hilarious it isn't even true! You use ketchup and mustard for completely different things! I never think to myself man I'd love to dip my french fries in some mustard! Alternatively, I never think man, I'm going to put some ketchup on my ham sandwich. It's like instead of siblings having a rivalry it's a pair of cousins, but cousins who live in different parts of the country and never see each other. I just think it's silly so once again I'm assigning them +9 for this.

Anyways like I said this review should be completely accessible to all audiences! But just in case it wasn't Houston specific enough mine didn't have any toilet paper in the ladies' bathroom and I had to use one of the seat liners and it was so resourceful of me but so sad and depressing. -19 Try out a B Dubs near you and drop me a line at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Mi Sombrero

I hate to call you out here Scott but I'm about to tell a not very nice story about you. So my first night as a resident in Houston I met up with some friends I'd met at orientation and we went to a Thai place. Scott had the spring rolls and he immediately started complaining that they were nowhere near as good as the eggrolls at China Chef in Bastrop; in fact, he'd never, ever had eggrolls as good as those! This became a consistent complaint of his, that nobody in Houston could do eggrolls as well as they do in Bastrop. I believed him, naturally - Houston may have a thriving, vibrant Asian class - many of the streets in downtown are labelled in a language I know I don't understand, and our voter registration cards are printed in English, Spanish, and Vietnamese - but what do we know? Bastrop obviously is the superior township. Finally I was blessed to be able to enter into the holy city limits of this town God truly has smiled upon, and I ate the eggrolls of the legendary China Chef. And you know what, guys? They were only average! Years - DECADES - Scott built these eggrolls up, and I think I've had the same brand out of a box from the freezer section of HEB! Ever since then I've been gun shy, obviously. People want to take me to their favorite Asian restaurant and I can't do it. I have to stick to Pei Wei and Panda Express because I know they won't disappoint. It's started to seep over into other restaurants, too. If someone has been there more than twice, I can't go with them. The mediocrity of those eggrolls has scarred me, and even though Mi Sombrero, located at 3401 North Shepherd, is my boyfriend's favorite restaurant, it was months into our acquaintanceship before I was able to work up the courage to go.

We might as well turn this post into arbitrary criticism of my friends' eating habits. (We'll start with my friend Melissa - she refuses to go to any new restaurant with me without first looking up the menu online. She's really sneaky about it too; I'll be in my room tying my shoes or trying to find my shoes and she'll be in her room scanning the menu of McDonald's. I'm just kidding she's not that neurotic it's just new restaurants she has such an aversion to I actually think it's kind of cute don't tell her). Thomas has been to Mi Sombrero, by my calculations, seven thousand and ten times, and he's only ever gotten three things on the menu: the nachos, the number 1 combo meal, and the Tommy's tacos. Normally I'd mock somebody endlessly on this sort of thing (despite my own relationship with a certain Mexican restaurant in Waco who's name I won't mention Casa de Castillo) but I've now been to Mi Sombrero three times and I can report that the only thing I've ordered is the Tommy's tacos. They're really good, but what is it about Mexican restaurants? I like to think of myself as a really adventurous eater, but there's only about four things I'll eat off of any menu in any Mexican restaurant. I once lived in Mexico for two solid weeks, and my host mother made me a plethora of foods that I scarfed down, really just enjoyed the heck out of, but whenever I go to a Mexican restaurant I can't get past tacos and burritos it's so sad! But the tacos are really good and I think it means I feel at home at Mi Sombrero so I'll go ahead and give them a +8 for not making me try new things.

What you guys really need to know though is that this isn't the pretentious type of Mexican restaurant I usually go into. Their salt and pepper are in regular salt and pepper shakers. I was too upset in my review of Radical Eats to point this out, but theirs were served in Jarritos bottles. Not even Corona! Obviously after that similarly scarring experience I'm very grateful to eat in a Mexican restaurant that not only serves meat but also provides normally (white people) shaped salt and pepper. Mi Sombrero is so confident in their Mexican food that they don't need to drive home the point of what they're serving in their tableware! +11 for this confidence. They're so unpretentious though! They're called Mi Sombrero and you know what their wall decorations are? Sombreros! Of course they are! They tell you what they are and then they are just that! They're a restaurant that serves good tacos and has sombreros on the walls and you can go as many times as you want and you never have to order anything different! +5

Here's the very last thing. Why do you guys go to Jason's Deli ever? For the free ice cream at the end of your meal, of course! I know what you're thinking: I like going to Jason's Deli, but I hate that the ice cream is high fructose corn syrup free. Where can I go to get ice cream at the end of my meal that has all the fats and bad things that I want? The answer is here, guys! You can get it at Mi Sombrero! And it's not just regular ice cream, either! It's really good Mexican vanilla ice cream! +9 Unfortunately, out of the three times I've been there, the machine has been broken twice: -9. It remains to be seen how great that is but I remain positive that it's unpretentious and fantastic.

Anyways that's all! If you feel like some Mexican food and are thinking about checking out Radical Eats, don't! Go to Mi Sombrero it's way better! And then email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Radical Eats

Like you, I always knew that when vegans died, they went to hell, mostly for their pretentiousness, sanctimoniousness, and just dairy free cheese in general. What I didn't realize was that in addition to needing different steakhouses, different grocery store aisles, and different water fountains than the rest of us, they also needed their own hell. I am now confidently able to report to you that vegan hell can be found at 3903 Fulton Street, in the form of Radical Eats.

I first heard of Radical Eats yesterday, in a copy of Houston 29 95 that I found on a desk in one of my classes. I hadn't eaten all day and anything would have looked good, but I knew that if this blog was going to become serious, I was going to have to start robbing other restaurant reviewers of their material. Plus they'd mentioned that Radical Eats served strawberry horchata, and if there's anything I like it's things that remind me of Vampire Weekend. I happened to be in the neighborhood today and dutifully tried to find it, only to be rebuffed before I even reached the block of the restaurant. It's like they knew that an omnivore was approaching - ALL of Fulton Street is under construction right now, and I had to take a fifteen minute long detour in which I got lost - I got lost WHILE ON DETOUR, I mean there are signs, for goodness sakes, I mean how dumb am I - found myself on the complete opposite side of the city than necessary, and had to slog my way back to the restaurant. Google maps told me it would take me 14 minutes tops to get there but it took me thirty six. Thank you, Google maps, and seriously, why does Fulton Street need to be widened? If it's such an important street that they need more lanes, they shouldn't close down such a huge section of it for so long! It was so inconvenient to this restaurant that I'm already giving them -500 even before we get there and the worst thing was I heard the guy working at the front and he said that the construction started the very same day that the Houston 29 95 article on them was published. Radical Eats did this on purpose! They don't want you to go there! And like I said I'm convinced it's not even real road work they just hired people to wear orange vests and meander through the center of the streets in front of people who smell like animal fats. -87 more.

OK so I was willing to give vegans the benefit of the doubt, that and strawberry horchata being the only two reasons I went to this establishment. I mean they can't all be bad, right? One of my coworkers was vegan for a while, and it wasn't because he loves animals or is worried about the oppression of species or the exploitation of chickens or anything like that. He stopped eating meat and milk and cheese for health reasons, which I can't say I completely understand but definitely don't completely hate. Somewhere out there there must be other vegans like him, who aren't members of PETA, and just don't like the taste of cheddar, or something equally weird. As soon as I stepped foot into this place though I knew it wasn't that kind. I'll go ahead and paint the scene for you. Most restaurants, when they play music for you, use a site like Pandora to pipe it in through their speakers. Or they have XM radio. Some restaurants choose not to play music for you. Radical Eats? Guys, they have a RECORD PLAYER. Not just for show to look more hipster and vintage. This record player is their ACTUAL SOUND SYSTEM. -98 The guy working the front counter had to keep coming over to switch records or fiddle with the needle or flip to the B side! It was so hipster I could hardly stand it! Why would anybody have something so pretentious and inefficient in their restaurant? It gets worse though! They had a column that was covered in bumper stickers, and one of them read: Jesus was the first socialist. I have no proof that this is hipster though I have a sneaking suspicion hipsters as a race do support socialism. But seriously, guys, we're already mixing religion and politics! Do we really have to start mixing religion and economic systems??? -65

I'm only starting a new paragraph because I'm too irate to continue that one. Here's the next affront: Instead of serving their beverages in cups, like normal people, they served them in old mason jars. There's nothing that irritates me more than this! Nothing says "we're a home-style restaurant with no pretensions" than a glass jar that cost way more than plastic ones ever would! -78 It's such a stupid decision because it's made to portray a value that they obviously don't share! But that's not even the worst. I want you guys to steel yourself for this. I almost couldn't even write it down, I was so stunned. As centerpieces, they have fishbowls and vases filled with - are you sitting down? Cotton. Bolls of cotton. Like they were meant to be decorative or something. It makes absolutely no sense at all! What a waste of cotton! That could be turned into something nice, like Q tips or socks! But instead it's sitting as a useless centerpiece in a stupid vegan restaurant unbelievable -57

I'll admit to you guys that the fried avocado tacos I ate were really, really good. And for the sake of us all experiencing vegan-ism together, I'll let you know that the re-fried beans were average and the rice not that great. The real kicker, my friends, is that I went all the way to that restaurant, I wandered through the entire city of Houston on a detour, I suffered through all their pretensions, and you know what? THEY WERE OUT OF HORCHATA. -99840523847

Like I said, the food itself wasn't awful, but I wouldn't recommend this restaurant and unless you're actually a vegan and actually looking for alternatives to your diet, I'd suggest staying away. If you have anything nice to say, you can email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com and if you don't you shouldn't say anything at all!

Barnaby's Cafe

OK OK its official I’ve found the cutest place in Houston. I’m sure most of you guys have heard of Barnaby’s, the story of Barnaby’s, the gay couple who opened a restaurant and named it after this dog who died when one of them was 12. At least I’m pretty sure that’s the story, I first heard about Barnaby’s when I walked past the original one at 604 Fairview on my way to  South Beach one cold night my freshman year; there are so many things to remember from that night that a dog and a gay couple really don’t factor at the top. At least not as far as the two of those relate to Barnaby’s, that is. At any rate earlier this week I ate at the Barnaby’s at 414 West Gray, and boy am I smitten.

So when I was younger I’d sometimes watch A Pup Named Scooby Do when regular Scooby Do wasn’t on, and this one episode really sticks out in my mind. It’s the only episode of A Pup Named Scooby Do I actually remember, I mean I’ve watched a lot of crime drama since then and they all start to run together, you know? Anyway so Scooby Do has this dog house, right? And he and little boy Shaggy go wandering into it one day and it’s so small on the outside but once they get inside, it’s a huge mansion! I only bring this up because that’s sort of like what Barnaby’s is like. I mean the outside is regular sized, you walk through a normal door not a doggy door, but once inside it’s just like you’re inside Barnaby’s dog house. And not in a smelly, moldy way either – in a cute, kitschy, all the waiters are homosexual men kind of way. The ceiling is painted this pretty blue color and on it are painted things dogs like: fire hydrants, socks, dolls, women’s shoes... when I first looked at the ceiling I’d planned on making a comical list here on my blog with things like T-bone steaks, Milkbones, tinier dogs, but the longer I stared the more I realized that everything I was going to joke about was actually up there. -19

The ceiling isn’t the best part of the Barnaby’s decor, however. Around the restaurant they have paintings of Barnaby in different locals. There’s  Barnaby in Venice, Barnaby in Mexico, Barnaby on the beach... I mean for a dog that’s been dead for so long he really gets around. I’m talking some exotic locales he definitely has a lot of Delta frequent flier miles... ladies. +21 I mean seriously, as a tribute to this guy’s childhood pet it’s disgustingly sweet. To paint the picture for everyone who’s too lazy to go to http://barnabyscafe.com/ and look it up themselves, Barnaby’s a cute, fluffy sheep dog and when he gets dressed up in mariachi costumes etc, it’s even cuter. I’m a pretty big fan of putting clothes on animals, as long as the animal is my dog Chester and the clothing in question is his super dog cape, and if God forbid something ever does happen to him, I’m having him stuffed and building an entire theme amusement park around him.

But I think we’re getting caught up here in the boring obvious things that make Barnaby’s great. You guys want some real arbitrary criticism and I’m about to serve you up a big stinking spoonful. So the waiter comes and he brings me my water and I stick my straw in it, and the day before I’d been to Torchy’s Tacos (don’t worry, review coming soon) so I almost yawned and said to myself, oh, a bendy straw, nothing exciting here. But I want you guys to understand: bendy straws are ALWAYS a big deal. I may have been a bit jaded at the time, having had two bendy straws in two days, but bendy straws are God’s answer to people like me – people who are too lazy to lift their beverage up to drink from it, and too lazy to tilt their heads in any uncomfortable angle. Bendy straws are the ultimate college student’s tool! It’s like not having class on Friday or buying your papers from some nerd off the internet! So +67 for using the minimal amount of effort to imbibe my H20. I’m sorry, bendy straws, that I didn’t give you the respect you deserve. I’m sorry, bendy straws, that I took you for granted.

Here’s what really chapped my hide about Barnaby’s. I’ve been trying to read more of the free magazines around Houston – FPH, Houston Press, these are the only two I know off the top of my head; anything but 002 Magazine really. Outside Barnaby’s there was a glossy magazine labeled Houston: Best of the City 2012. Being secretly a magpie I’ll take anything that’s shiny enough, and I hurriedly squirreled it away in my purse for further reading. Can you compare yourself to a squirrel and a magpie in the same sentence? Not important. Anyway, so I flip to the section advertised on the cover, the 101 Coolest People, Places, and Things in H-Town right now. Let me just first say that I hate when people say H-Town. It’s only OK if you’re a rapper or want to be a rapper. It’s only one character longer to say Houston rather than H-Town! They weren’t saving any space on the cover, they were just being ridiculous. -18 The worst part is the article in question! Of all the 101 things that are awesome as insert expletive here in Houston, I’d heard of maybe six. And out of those, most of them were beer related, or James Franco, or Case Keenum. So if you aren’t a grain alcohol or go to UH, then I’ve never experienced you around Houston, APPARENTLY. That doesn’t even seem fair! Maybe I’m not fancy enough to be a member of the Houston Motor Club - or even know that Houston had a Motor Club – but I still deserve more than just a stereotype of young adulthood. Even if I do prefer bendy straws! -23

Anyways. You’re welcome for this excessively relevant review on Barnaby’s. The interior of this place is seriously the cutest in the universe, and honestly the food ain’t bad either! Give it a try and send me your feedback at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Max's Wine Dive

Hello, my dozens of fans! Today I'm bringing to you a review of Max's Wine Dive, at 4720 Washington. I went there about a month ago with my parents, and I'm pretty sad to tell you guys that it's not actually a dive at all. I mean I don't know what you think of when you think of a wine dive, but I typically think of an abandoned barn where in addition to Boone's Farm they serve moonshine and peanuts. Max's Wine Dive isn't in an abandoned barn, but it is in a shopping center, which is close. Unfortunately that's where my comparison ends - they had an extensive list of wines and an even more extensive list of foods, which were in my opinion over priced but also in my opinion quite delicious. I don't know how you guys feel about grilled cheeses, but they rank right under macaroni and cheese for me, and Houston Press ranked Max's Wine Dive as one of Houston's top 5 grilled cheeses. The list of these restaurants is all the way across the room and there's no chance I'm going to stand up, but from what I remember "Catherine Martin's Grilled Cheeses" are the other four, and I can confirm that Max's Wine Dive does rate a slot with these other prestigious restaurants.

Moving quickly along to the important aspects of this review, I went to the bathroom almost immediately on entering the restaurant (all those liquids, I mean just looking at a bar can set me off sometimes) and you guys will never guess what I found inside. OK guess. You're right! They had a pink trashcan! A pink trashcan! I didn't have a chance to scope out the men's restroom (there was someone in there and they asked for a minute but I was too eager to return to my guests) (I'm just kidding I didn't even try to get into the men's room) but I assume they also had a pink trashcan. These are the kind of details I think are important in a restaurant. It's just they didn't go out and buy a pink trashcan at Target, like I did when I moved into my apartment over the summer. They had a different trashcan, probably that they got from someone else on that filthy strip center, and spray painted it pink so it would fit in with the decor of the restaurant! I assume! It was just really touching! I mean all the trash I had to throw away were my paper towels (that's right I always wash my hands) but I still felt like a princess and next time I'll be sure to generate more waste, maybe clean out my purse while an extensive line forms, so I'll be able to make better use of that trashcan I assume they put in just for me, Catherine Martin. +87

They had other really cute things in this Wine Dive as well. Look I mean it's obviously a bar, it's called Max's Wine Dive, so if you were also confused by this Houston Press article you're clearly an idiot, CATHERINE. So my point is it's really dingy and dark on the inside, bar-like, filled with people even though it's a Monday and everybody should be worried about work or school in the morning and not boozing it up in a place I wanted to hang out, but whatever, I'm not bitter. But on all the walls and the backs of the employees shirts were all these charming phrases, like, "Wine makes you thin ;-)", "merlot is the new merlot", and "suck the marrow out of life". It wasn't like being in a bar at all but like living inside a cocktail napkin! +9 What I like most about this is how charmingly they remained both masculine and feminine. They had these cute touches everywhere with the cocktail napkin phrases and pink trashcans, but they still had a hard, dark, bar-like interior that you half expected someone to pull a cigar out and start lecturing their friends about polo scores or whatever it is men talk about.

Here's a fun fact: my parents watch Chopped all the time and they insist that the chef was on the show one episode! I've combed their website for confirmation or denial of this, and I can't find any so I'm going to assume it's true. Food Network is the one channel I've never known anybody to be wrong about; it's impossible to watch it with anything but rapt attention and I can recite more facts about Man Vs. Food (Editor's Note: Man Vs. Food is actually on the Travel Channel) than anything I've ever learned in one of my classes (Editor's Note: Maybe some of my professors should take a page out of Food Network's book and start showing more pictures of food during their slideshows about "the Kennedy administration" and "algebra" or whatever stupid topics they find relevant). I've forgotten my point by now, but basically Max's Wine Dive is famous and if you go there you'll be famous too. +13

I think that just about covers my review of Max's Wine Dive. Like I mentioned, they seem a bit overpriced to me and they were waaay too crowded for it to be a Monday night, but their food was delicious and they do have charming bathrooms, so draw your own conclusions and email me the results at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!