Maggiano's

Look I went to Maggiano’s the first time for Valentine’s day and don’t get me wrong, it was good. For one thing I love the idea of Valentine’s Day, as it is a holiday solely dedicated towards telling your girlfriend how much you like her. Handholding, forehead kissing, check paying... all of the reasons we date boys in the first place, mixed in with a near constant stream of compliments. I love it. Anywhere that I could have gone, I would have loved, but I went to Maggiano’s.

Still, I had no idea how awesome it could be until I went back a second time, for my boyfriend’s birthday, with his entire family. We ordered off of the family menu, and I am about to tell you guys about the greatest deal in the history of restaurants. When you order off the family menu, guys and gals, you pay individually for each family member who joins in, one solid price. For that price you get to pick out a set amount of appetizers, entrees, and desserts, based on how much you are charged. Once make your choices, you can eat until you explode. Until you explode!! They will continue bringing you out platter after platter after platter, until you either tell them to stop or drop dead of cholesterol poisoning in your seat. Not to mention, all you have to say is, yes I’d like another plate, and then not touch it, and then they’ll come by a few minutes later and they’ll wrap it up and you can take it home. +82 You can eat for years off of your leftovers. I’m still full.

At the Maggiano’s in Houston, there are wooden floors around each of the tables as I think is properly hygienic in a restaurant (+3) but all of the walkways have been covered with a thin strip of carpet, so you’re walking on something classy (+8) This really cracks me up because to be honest I’ve never thought to myself, “wow, this restaurant looks really clean and hygienic, but I just wish they’d classed the place up with a bit of carpet. If only that were possible!” Never. I’ve never thought that. But Maggiano’s restaurant did, and that’s why they’re ranked number 1 Italian restaurant that I’ve ever eaten at. And I’ve even eaten at Italian restaurants, in Italy. Let me tell you guys, you don’t get free refills on all your entrees there, that’s for sure.

What I don’t like is that they have valet parking. Look guys I think valet parking is kind of the dumbest thing ever. I hate to come out so strongly against it because one of my roommates is a valet parker, but I hate it. Especially places where there’s a regular parking lot and then you can also give your keys to the guy to park in the regular parking lot. Why would I ever do that? Why wouldn’t I just park my own car? It just seems really silly to me to pay $7 or 8 or 9 to some dude just to save half a minute of walking through the parking lot. -9 There’s a lot of better things I could be doing with that money, like for instance tipping my waiter. Shouldn’t that money be redirected into tipping my waiter? I think everyone at Maggiano’s should have a think about that.

Here’s the other thing I don’t like: the mints they have there. For one thing they sit at the hostess stand so you only see them when you’re seated at your table, not when you leave, so you have to plan ahead if you want one. I hate having to plan ahead, it’s #theworst. -13 Plus, you open up the package and inside it looks like there’s a white wedding mint. I love wedding mints. (Well I used to one time I went to this bar in Houston - F Bar – there’s this really cute bartender there named Antonio who mixes up your cocktails shirtless, I definitely recommend everyone shows up. Anyways there were all these wedding mints and no straight guys so it was pretty obvious what I was going to glom onto, right? So I had Antonio mix me up just one cocktail because I was driving and then I ate approximately 50 of those stupid little mints and it reacted poorly with the Bloody Mary I’d foolishly inserted in my body and I ended up throwing up that night anyway. Just goes to show you should never DD, get some other fool to do that.) Anyways. So it looks like you’re going to get either a good or bad surprise depending on what Catherine you are, pre-F Bar Catherine or post-F Bar Catherine, and then you bite into it in order to create larger surface area reacting with your saliva in order to dissolve it faster, only to discover that in the inside it is not a mint. In the inside it is a disgusting ball of reject chocolate, and your afternoon and your life are both ruined. Thanks a lot, Maggiano’s.