Mai's

It's true guys, it's true. It's been a while since I last updated my blog. Don't worry though, I have an excuse: first I went on vacation to California, and I got into a beach bum,  drifter lifestyle where the thought of doing actual work just really repulsed me. (Normally this sort of thing would give me anxiety, but in California you don't have anxiety. It's the promised land, guys. I even flew in an airplane without hyperventilating more than a little bit.) Then I came back to Houston, and as the plane landed all the anxiety that I'd been carefully staving away hit me like a Dunbar armored truck - I'd been in California for however many days (beach bums can't count) and I had. not. gotten. discovered. Here I am, just a girl, standing in front of you - just a girl, not a famous movie actress. I failed not only you my faithful audience, but also all the millions of people living in the United States who, for another movie cycle, will once more be deprived of the privilege of seeing me on the silver screen. So why have I managed to come out of this funk, this depression? Well I'll tell you! Arbitrary criticism - that's right, this very blog, has been nominated for a My Table award! To all of my friends that have already said to me, "huh, what's that," I'll tell you. It's a big f&*#$!@ deal, and I'm nominated for one! So if you could please all go vote for me I'd really appreciate it.

Anywho so I went to Mai's the other day because I've been craving pho like a mo-pho. Normally I don't like that kind of thing because you have to put all the sprouts and jalapenos and basil and stuff in yourself; hello I'm not going to a restaurant to make my own dinner guys -2. Lately though I've been all about the Asian soups so off to Mai's I went.

Here's the thing. So I just bought a new car, a 4runner, and it's basically become my whole life. We do everything together, my 4runner and me. We drive to the movies, we drive to the grocery store, we drive to work, we drive to my boyfriend's house... the best part about my 4runner is that I can play my new Mumford and Sons CD as often as I want, and it will never complain. I want my 4runner to have friends outside of myself; after all, that's the sign of a healthy, thriving relationship. To this end, whenever I pull into a parking lot, I always make sure to hunt down an empty spot next to another 4runner. I'll park a block away if it means my car doesn't get lonely while waiting for me to pick up butter. (Also I like to do this because all 4runners look alike and I'm hoping the owner of the other car will get tricked and try to get in the wrong car and comedy will ensue) Sooooooooo, back to our review, I pulled into Mai's and there wasn't a spot available next to the only 4runner in the lot, but there was a spot across the aisle and I figured that would be OK, they'd still be able to see out of their butts at each other. As I was walking in to the restaurant I stopped to peer in through their window to make sure we didn't have the same seat covers so I wouldn't get confused and have comedy ensue; guess what I saw! They had an anti-theft lock across their steering wheel! -13 Who are these people??? I thought only Nigerian princes and people who won the foreign lottery bought stuff like that. I mean hello seriously I know that car theft is a serious crime that affects dozens of people every day and I wouldn't laugh so hard if I'd had my car stolen, but we live in HOUSTON TEXAS. It was in a busy part of town in the middle of the day there was no reason for one of those, they have mounted police on horses we are not in real danger guys. Plus Mai's is a place with table clothes I don't think you're really at risk there c'mon ya'll.

In other news, what is up with making people by themselves eat at the bar? This is just the meanest joke in the world because I get that I don't need room for another person to sit with me, but I'm not the sort of person that can just go to a place and hang out with myself doing nothing. I don't THINK it's because I'm scared of being alone, guys I think it's just because I'm a busy career woman and I checked too many books out of the library and if I can't read my book when I'm eating by myself, then when will I have the chance? -14 So I'm against sitting singles at the bar when there are clearly tables for them to chill at because they have intentionally come at a non-peak hour. We have more need than others for the space on the table, hello if you're there with your lover you could double up on chairs and if you're there for a lunch meeting then I don't recommend ordering the pho anyway, because it's impossible to eat without looking like nobody ever taught you manners and there's no way you'll get anything accomplished!

There was a bright side to the meal though. Well, other than the pho, which was delicious and definitely worth the lack of a parking spot directly next to another 4runner. When my fortune cookie came it said I was going to come in to a large sum of money soon, so hopefully one of the agents I passed by on the sidewalk in Hollywood will be giving me a call soon.

Maggiano's

Look I went to Maggiano’s the first time for Valentine’s day and don’t get me wrong, it was good. For one thing I love the idea of Valentine’s Day, as it is a holiday solely dedicated towards telling your girlfriend how much you like her. Handholding, forehead kissing, check paying... all of the reasons we date boys in the first place, mixed in with a near constant stream of compliments. I love it. Anywhere that I could have gone, I would have loved, but I went to Maggiano’s.

Still, I had no idea how awesome it could be until I went back a second time, for my boyfriend’s birthday, with his entire family. We ordered off of the family menu, and I am about to tell you guys about the greatest deal in the history of restaurants. When you order off the family menu, guys and gals, you pay individually for each family member who joins in, one solid price. For that price you get to pick out a set amount of appetizers, entrees, and desserts, based on how much you are charged. Once make your choices, you can eat until you explode. Until you explode!! They will continue bringing you out platter after platter after platter, until you either tell them to stop or drop dead of cholesterol poisoning in your seat. Not to mention, all you have to say is, yes I’d like another plate, and then not touch it, and then they’ll come by a few minutes later and they’ll wrap it up and you can take it home. +82 You can eat for years off of your leftovers. I’m still full.

At the Maggiano’s in Houston, there are wooden floors around each of the tables as I think is properly hygienic in a restaurant (+3) but all of the walkways have been covered with a thin strip of carpet, so you’re walking on something classy (+8) This really cracks me up because to be honest I’ve never thought to myself, “wow, this restaurant looks really clean and hygienic, but I just wish they’d classed the place up with a bit of carpet. If only that were possible!” Never. I’ve never thought that. But Maggiano’s restaurant did, and that’s why they’re ranked number 1 Italian restaurant that I’ve ever eaten at. And I’ve even eaten at Italian restaurants, in Italy. Let me tell you guys, you don’t get free refills on all your entrees there, that’s for sure.

What I don’t like is that they have valet parking. Look guys I think valet parking is kind of the dumbest thing ever. I hate to come out so strongly against it because one of my roommates is a valet parker, but I hate it. Especially places where there’s a regular parking lot and then you can also give your keys to the guy to park in the regular parking lot. Why would I ever do that? Why wouldn’t I just park my own car? It just seems really silly to me to pay $7 or 8 or 9 to some dude just to save half a minute of walking through the parking lot. -9 There’s a lot of better things I could be doing with that money, like for instance tipping my waiter. Shouldn’t that money be redirected into tipping my waiter? I think everyone at Maggiano’s should have a think about that.

Here’s the other thing I don’t like: the mints they have there. For one thing they sit at the hostess stand so you only see them when you’re seated at your table, not when you leave, so you have to plan ahead if you want one. I hate having to plan ahead, it’s #theworst. -13 Plus, you open up the package and inside it looks like there’s a white wedding mint. I love wedding mints. (Well I used to one time I went to this bar in Houston - F Bar – there’s this really cute bartender there named Antonio who mixes up your cocktails shirtless, I definitely recommend everyone shows up. Anyways there were all these wedding mints and no straight guys so it was pretty obvious what I was going to glom onto, right? So I had Antonio mix me up just one cocktail because I was driving and then I ate approximately 50 of those stupid little mints and it reacted poorly with the Bloody Mary I’d foolishly inserted in my body and I ended up throwing up that night anyway. Just goes to show you should never DD, get some other fool to do that.) Anyways. So it looks like you’re going to get either a good or bad surprise depending on what Catherine you are, pre-F Bar Catherine or post-F Bar Catherine, and then you bite into it in order to create larger surface area reacting with your saliva in order to dissolve it faster, only to discover that in the inside it is not a mint. In the inside it is a disgusting ball of reject chocolate, and your afternoon and your life are both ruined. Thanks a lot, Maggiano’s.

Feast

Like all trendy cool people, I wanted to make sure to get to Feast before they closed for good. My main goal in this was to be able to bring it up in conversations with people who had never been there - "Oh, remember the good old days when Feast was still a restaurant? Man, I had so many shenanigan there that one time I went. Oh, you didn't go? Sucks to be you..." I've been practicing my condescending stare in the mirror all morning instead of doing something productive like working on a career or beating the new Nancy Drew computer game I just installed on my computer.

The best part about Feast is that you need a reservation to get in there. Well I'm not sure if you NEED a reservation. But I got one anyway! This is something I've actually never done before. I recently watched Lena Dunham's hit movie Tiny Furniture and in it she works as a phone girl taking reservations; this made me feel like it was something I could do. If it's Lena Dunham on the other side of the phone, I told myself, answering this phone to give dramatic pause between talking to the handsome chef, then I should be able to handle the social interaction of a several second phone call between myself and a stranger. This assumption is strengthened by the fact that I also am a phone girl at a restaurant and routinely have to have several second phone calls with strangers over fifty times a night. However, at the last minute I choked. For one thing it took me more than one scroll in the internet to find the phone number to Feast, which meant that I had time to be distracted by cute pictures of cats. (Just to let you know I've been distracted in the middle of this post six times already) By the time I found the phone number, I'd already lost confidence. After all, I'd managed to be awake for three hours already without having to talk to a single person. What if that day was the day I broke a world record for longest time spent living in society without talking to a person? It's true that I was planning on going to Feast that night with a date, but Thomas would understand if I didn't talk to him all evening, if it was, you know, for fame and fortune. I'd mention him in my acceptance speech, if I ever spoke again to give one. So I went to Open Table and made the reservation there, and now I'm convinced that Open Table was only invented so that socially handicapped people like me also can eat at nice restaurants +87

Let's talk about brussel sprouts for a second here. Feast has excellent brussel sprouts, I'd like to inform everyone. I'd say third best in Houston after Uchi and then that place in Oak Forest called Plonk! stay tuned for a review next week. Since when were brussel sprouts so trendy! I don't know but they've always been one of my favorite vegetables. I've come a long way since when my mother made brussel sprouts dressed with nothing but lemon juice and butter, I now have several very complicated recipes for brussel sprouts all involving bacon or bacon grease. Anyways remember how people always used to hate brussel sprouts even though they were secretly delicious this whole time? I just want to say that I'm proud of our local area restaurants for bringing this misunderstood vegetable to the table. +13 Though come on brussel sprouts you haven't made it easy for everyone by masquerading as a tiny cabbage which I think we can all agree is the most disgusting vegetable on the planet even my fish won't eat cabbage and they'll eat garbage. (Don't worry I never fed my fish garbage before)

There is one thing I didn't like about Feast. They have those little bowls of salt on the table and you're supposed to use a tiny little spoon to put salt on your food! I think those bowls are so disgusting! Like what if someone went to the bathroom and they didn't wash their hands and then they picked up their water glass and the germs got onto the drink and then they toasted with their water glass directly above the salt bowl and then the condensation from the drink trickled at that exact moment into the tiny little salt bowl? Bam all of a sudden there's germs in your salt! ALSO there's more to my hating here, what's up with that tiny little spoon? There's no way that's as efficient for salt use as a shaker with tiny holes. What if you have Parkinson's disease? All your salt is going to get clumped into very few places and then some of your food is way way way too salty and then the rest of your food isn't salty at all but you don't dare try again because then all your food will be too salty and also it will all be covered in germs. -21 I think it's all part of one of those plans that I hear about where the chef doesn't want you to use salt because they perfectly salted the food already. Look I'll agree the food was perfectly salted, nobody here at Arbitrary Criticism (it's just me guys) is going to argue with you on that. What's more if this is the plan I like it a lot better than just not having salt on the table, now I at least feel like I didn't put salt on because I decided not to, not because I was forbidden to by some guy I never even met before. +3 This is America guys c'mon.

Haikus on the Subject of Jack-in-the-Box, Friendship

Hard night studying
Melissa in the doorway
"Want Jack-in-the-Box?"

("Studying" not right -
"Procrastinating" correct.
Sometimes more draining!)

A quilt on the floor
Our feast spread out before us
Reruns of South Park

Three crispy eggrolls
Cabbage hot enough to melt
Flame retardant skin

A pair of tacos
Delicious, deep fried, greasy
Just ninety-nine cents

Carmel iced coffee
No longer available
Helped me pass college

Late nights at the Box
Laughing at the intercom
Celebrating life

Petrol Station

So I don't know if you guys ever watch Drinking Made Easy, but it's not a very good podcast and they came to Houston and had a drinking contest at Petrol Station! They were there, at the bar that I am reviewing! (Though to be clear I am reviewing them as a restaurant not as a bar, I have standards guys even if I did watch Drinking Made Easy, the worst show ever made.)

When I walked in I very nearly stumbled into a guy that I recently graduated college with. The worst part of this is that never, in the four years and dozen classes we spent together, did I say one word to this man. This is pretty hard, considering the number of group projects the average member of the Conrad N Hilton College of Hotel/Restaurant Management is required to be in, but yes this particular man and I never once spoke to each other. Now, here we are, in our real lives, almost literally running into each other... talk about awkward. I want you to know that I managed to keep up my streak and neither one of us even said excuse me. I could tell from the stricken look on his face that he as well is a member of that very socially awkward group I'm in, that would rather cut off their arms than talk to another person; the sad thing is that this interaction, from us sharing an interest in attending the same bar and then sharing the other interest of not speaking to weirdos from college, suggests that we might have been friends had we ever been forced to communicate, but that time is past and now we will never have another opportunity. -13 Also I was wearing my favorite shirt that I wore to class at least a million times over the last four years and it would have been really embarrassing to talk to him because if he did recognize me it was probably because my Three Wolf Moon shirt was a dead give away.

Also what kind of name is Petrol Station guys? Come on this is America. You can't even try to tell me it's a British style pub because guess what guys? They serve AMERICAN CRAFT BEERS THERE. American, guys. They know what country they are in! This is exactly the kind of flip flopping I think we all grew to expect from John Kerry in his presidential run, not the kind of flip flopping I want from a place I'm planning on buying alcohol. -9 My understanding is that they had a different sort of scandal a few years back in which they were accused of being unAmerican; can they really afford the sort of bad publicity that comes from being called Petrol Station? I recommend a quick change to the Gas Station, but it's important to make the change in a way that doesn't force me to think this is just a further inability to stick to their guns.

I want to be clear that I kind of like the atmosphere at this place. I mean I get that the food is really not that great (I ordered the Pig Newton, what a letdown guys. "Pig Newton" is such a fun, charming name, I really expected something fun and charming in response, but just between you and me it was way too salty and then the sweetness of the fig preserves just made everything nasty. Speaking as someone with years of fig preserve making under their belt, well like one year anyway, I can criticize without losing any sleep at night. And then here's the thing about prosciutto, guys, it's amazing, the best thing the Italians every gave us after the lively news coverage of Berlusconi's constant stream of scandals. Yet this particular sandwich made me think prosciutto is gross, a hard thing to do.) And I don't really like craft beer, I don't like any beer at all don't think I'm discriminating, so that's not a huge draw for me. And I get that waiting over an hour for your food is silly, no matter how busy they are. Guys it really does not take that long to make a burger. Plus I've been reading yelp! a lot lately (only negative reviews, I don't like to read about people being happy, that's why Edith Wharton and Hemingway are my favorite writers, they can really make you depressed about your future), this is a reoccurring pattern, why don't they just hire an extra kitchen guy? I mean it seems like an easy solution. But I'm not here to tell people how to live their lives, I'm here to tell you that I think it's sweet that you go into the restaurant and then it looks small and then you realize there's a back patio and you go out on the back patio and it's bigger but still small, and then you look and realize that there's more space out even beyond that, enough space that it could be turned into a wildlife preserve for like buffaloes or whatever it is you want to preserve.  Tigers, or something. Ostriches, if you're watching the new season of Arrested Development. +18 So my point is this is a bad place if you want to eat food or not run into people you went to college with or not drink craft beers but other than that it's really nice and they have picnic tables.

A Poem to Taco Bell

Cheesy Gordita Crunch
I love you
your taste
your texture
your crunch.
The way that when I bite in
the Pepper Jack sauce
mixes with the packet of fire sauce
and trickles down my face
in rivulets.
You're always there
when I'm drunk
sober
studying
getting off of work
too lazy to make dinner
need something to sneak into the movies
going to the park
going on a road trip
already ate dinner but want to boredom eat
wearing my favorite shirt and want to celebrate.

You're there when
my feet hurt
my head hurts
my back hurts
I'm on my period
Dumbledore just died
I'm cleaning my room
(just kidding that never happens)
I just saw Twilight and it was sadly just as good as the book
there are no parking spots on campus and I have to just skip class instead.
I've loved you
my whole life and with
every part of my soul.
Cheesy Gordita Crunch
I love you.

Beaver's

I went here on Mother's Day with my mother for brunch. It was impossible to miss that it was brunch because on the menu they handed us there were four different recipes for Bloody Marys and two recipes for mimosas. This is the kind of brunch menu my mother and I approve of. +8 My understanding is that they also serve food here.

Just kidding of course I ate the food there! Here's what else was really nice about their menu: two of their brunch items had exclamation points after them, so that you know the restaurant is really excited to serve them! The two menu items in question were their stacked enchiladas!!! and Reubang! sandwich. I know what you're thinking, a smart girl would have ordered something that the restaurant was that excited about, but I'm a college graduate now so I don't have to act like a smart girl I can simply manage, lead, synergize, etc. other people into doing it for me. Either way I loved this about them, it got me very excited about my meal, and I'm planning on using the same tactic for the next time I make dinner for my boyfriend. "We're having appetizers! of three different kinds!!! all out of a box! and no entree at all!!". (I'm very domesticated, I know you are all very jealous of him for getting to date me.)

The best part of Beaver's though was that they'd printed out all sorts of popular memes from the internet and posted them around the doors of the restaurant. There was First World Problems, a woman weeping into her hand, thinking, "I can't believe I didn't see the hostess. Now I don't have a menu." There was Good Guy Greg, smoking his joint, saying, "Notices Signs. Sees Hostess." There was my pal Philosoraptor, pondering, "If you don't see the hostess, how will anyone know you are here?" I loved this stuff! I loved it a bunch! +183 Most restaurants, I'm sure you are aware, just have a little sign that says "Please wait for a hostess" real politely. This is not enough of a precaution! Trust me I know, sometimes I'm a hostess! And I can't tell you how aggravating it is to have people seat themselves. Here's why: being a hostess is not the most exciting job in the world. All you have to do is find clean, empty tables, and lead people to them in a way that best maintains a low empty seat count. People have done this in their sleep before. So when people show up and just seat themselves! I mean come on! This is all I'm doing tonight! I cleared my whole schedule! I specifically put on my work shirt and tied my sneakers to come and be with you tonight, and for you to assume that you can do my job better than me is simply insulting. Also, I hate when there is clearly a line of people waiting for a table and someone comes up to me, the hostess, and says, "So, can I just seat myself?" That's like stomping up to a doctor's office, waiting while he puts on all his operating gloves and such, and then saying to him, so, "can I just remove my own kidney, or what?" What do you think that man is standing there for?? I'm getting a little heated here so I'll just summarize: I really appreciate Beaver's clear and thoughtful response to the major disrespect of their hostesses, and I certainly appreciate their use of First World Problems, the meme I most frequently associate with (after, of course, Foul Bachelorette Frog)

All I have left so say about this joint is that the apartments across the street at 2411 Washington look really nice and attractive, but don't fall in love because a one-bedroom starts at $1279 and ain't nobody got time for that.