Burger Guys

The first thing you need to know about the Burger Guys is that it is in BF Nowhere. I've noticed that you Houstonians - excuse me, we, I'm a true Houstonian I swear - think the world ends outside the 610 loop - if you put a map of Houston in front of you, Burger Guys (12225 Westheimer) would be covered by the text of "Here there be dragons." Make sure you put in a full tank of gas before you venture out.

Inside Burger Guys however is a lesson in geography. All the burgers are named after cities: Houston; Saigon; Buffalo; Dude. It's a really non-assuming building exterior but please don't be fooled: inside it's more pretentious than a liberal arts professor after a few micro brewed lagers. Here's the thing guys: they don't have ketchup. When you order your burger and fries, they ask you to choose 2 sauces. But none of them are normal American sauces, they're all "jalapeno chive bleu cheese" and "balsamic ketchup." Seriously guys? At least 6 of them said aioli. -15! Aioli? That's mayonnaise, guys. You know who dips their french fries in mayonnaise? The FRENCH! What kind of establishment IS this? Look guys. I don't go on strikes because I don't feel like working this week. I don't have affairs with married women. I shave my armpits. And I dip my FRENCH FRIES in KETCHUP! I just don't know what kind of socialist, free love kind of philosophy these people are spewing! -8 more!

Look guys I'll be honest, the obvious red overtones are the only complaint I have with this joint. You see the thing is, aside from the obvious moral, ethical, and political differences, Burger Guys and I aren't so far apart. I mean I don't want to spoil the surprise, but they have colored straws instead of the white ones. +13 But it's better than that. They have the SAME colored straws that I do! I recognize the shades of the colors! And I know that they bought these straws at HEB, because they were shopping for bendy straws to put in their strawberry crush when they were feeling a bit depressed; bendy straws, however, come in packs of 100 for $2.50, while the plain colored ones are 500 for $1. I know because I did the same thing! Like every other true, non-French American, I'll take value over general cheeriness every day. I'm not saying this makes up for the aioli, but it goes a long way. It goes a long way.

It even gets better. So I went to Burger Guys on a date is the thing. I don't know if you guys date but it's so hard. I say, "You know, I feel like Mexican food tonight." And Thomas says, "Sure." Or I say, "Ooh, let's go to Fuddrucker's!" And he says, "Yeah, that sounds good!" Or I say, "How do you feel about hot dogs tonight?" And he says, "Whatever makes you happy!" UGH! You see what I'm saying? Relationships are such hard work - it's all about compromise, and sharing, and giving up what you really want for another person's stupid opinions. I hate it, but I soldier on. My martyrdom aside, the Date Planning Committee (myself) and I had originally decided that we'd be dining at Washington's BRC, because Thomas was interested in trying their french fries that are fried in duck fat, and I was interested in pronouncing BRC like it's a word rather than initials. Unfortunately, a cursory glance at the BRC menu shows that nothing has fried eggs on it, and everyone knows that as the weather gets hotter, my food cravings get stronger. By the time we get to June, I'll have reached my peak and will only be eating eggs, mashed potatoes, and jars of salsa. That's it. Buy stock, guys.

Obviously when I told Thomas about the Date Planning Committee's decision, we got into a huge fight. ("Sure, babe. You know I'll be happy with whatever, I just want to spend time with you." "It's not my fault! It was the DPC! I had nothing to do with it, I fought their decision! I fought for you!") But after the police had gone, having calmed our domestic dispute, out of the ashes rose the solution. You guessed it: Burger Guys serves french fries fried in duck fat, AND you can add a fried egg to ANY of their burgers (any!) for only one dollar. +10000! And you know what else? You can add a duck egg for only 2 dollars! I've never had a duck egg before so I'm just throwing that out as a general fact! Burger Guys: saving relationships since at least last Saturday.

That's all I got guys. (Get it? Like Burger Guys? And then I said that's all I got guys? It's repetition for effect you wouldn't know anything about that.) Like I said I've never had a duck egg before, but if you have, I'd appreciate it if you'd email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com so I can start building my duck farm (or not!)